How About Now??

Resolution Journal

2012-01-02T21:24:00.000-08:00

I love my friend, Kelly. She has the best ideas and always seems to bring out the best in me. Or at least she helps me to feel like she brings out the best in me.. whatever. It's my perception that matters in this instance anyway, right? Kelly and I always seem to be on the same road to self improvement and trying to find more ways to be happy and make our lives better. Today I went over to her house and we made these little resolution journals. Super cute! I'm excited about mine. I put my five major resolutions in the journal and I think it will help me to remember what I would like to accomplish. I thought I would share them on my blog as well. Not that many read it, but it's another way for me to commit. I'm all about accountability these days.
I decided not to do the typical "lose weight, drink more water, exercise, etc. etc." resolutions. Some of mine are simple. Some of them are complicated and more in depth. I guess that's how I'm rolling these days.

#1
In 2012 I resolve to make weekly menus for my family and to grocery shop from that menu. It will save time and money. My goal is to have 5 meals planned weekly.
#2
I resolve to make time for myself in the mornings to pray,, meditate, and take better care of myself. I am going to participate in the Hello Mornings Challenge to help me on my way and to have accountability for sticking to this resolution.
#3
I resolve to try harder to simplify my life by removing clutter and developing some organizational tactics to make things easier.
#4
I resolve to keep the front of my house clean so it will always be fairly presentable for company to arrive unexpectedly.
#5
In 2012 I resolve to engage in activities that promote happiness, peace and well being. More time with Britt and the kids, more time with my dear friends and family, exercise, eating for health, and having some fun. I'd like a real vacation, dates with my pals, to develop some hobbies and just take pride in what I do.

So there it is.. My resolutions in a nutshell. I think if I can stick to these - general though they may be, I will be doing pretty dang good. I have some goals I would like to accomplish, but those are goals - not resolutions. Goals are what I need to reach in order to keep my resolutions.

But Which Ones????

2011-12-06T21:15:00.001-08:00

I'm going to take 5 things off my bucket list... and I'm gonna do em! That's right.. 5 things. Now.. which ones should I do???? hmmmmmmm suggestions?

Randomness

2011-12-02T21:01:00.001-08:00

Over the years I've filled out several of the little "getting to know you" emails and facebook questionnaires. I don't think they ever serve to really let anyone know anything shocking or terribly interesting. What I'm going to write in here probably won't be too interesting either, but what the heck? I've already taken my Ambien; I can write whatever I want. Have you seen the girl on Glee who says she has Asberger's just so she can blame random outbursts on her mild autism? I love that. I have now decided that my blog entries are AITS: Ambien Induced Turret's Syndrome. So here are some random and not very interesting things about me.
I used to collect unicorns. Lots of them. My grandmother asked me just a few weeks ago what happened to my unicorn collection and she seemed a bit shocked that I no longer had them. I have no idea when I got rid of them or what I did with all of them. I pray that they all have nice homes now.
When I was a young teenager, I listed to Ska, punk and rockabilly music. I listened to the B-52s waaaaaaayyyy before Love Shack came out.
I am an ex-smoker. I was never a heavy smoker, but it was a nasty habit just the same. I haven't had a cigarette in about 12 years. I honestly don't ever miss it either. It's pretty disgusting.
I like all vegetables but hominy and english peas. Those are just gross. I don't eat lamb or veal. Lamb is my choice because I just can't get past the thought of it. Veal is kinda the same, but more because in the Army they served nasty veal every single day and I think it's gross. I know I shouldn't compare Army food to normal food, but that's my reasoning.
I have been thinking that I'm going to start secretly planting little tidbits of information in my blog so I can see if my sister has been reading it or not. Passive aggressive, party of one? Yeah, that's me.
I once fell into my neighbor's recycle bin while rollerblading down my street. It was quite comical. My entire family got a huge kick out of it.
I get pissed off when people talk about not wanting to be around their kids, but then I think that in most cases I don't want to be around their kids either. (I said most, so that means not all. If you are reading this than I definitely am not writing about your kids)
Okay.. ambien is kicking in full force now. I need to sleep before I start talking about alien abductions. I'll save that for another day.

Conflicted

2011-11-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I want to become really good at something. Anything. Well, anything other than bitching and whining. I am REALLY good at bitching and whining. So what could I master? I am thinking I would like for it to be something that would actually be of benefit to me or my family somehow. I can't sing. I can't play an instrument. I don't speak any foreign languages (other than Pig Latin, in which I am fluent) and I'm not good at sports. Most people I know are really good at at least one thing. I can't figure out what my one thing is. I'm going to find something, learn it, and become really good at it.
My husband is wishing it would be like, housekeeping or budgeting. Ha!
I need a career. I'm tired of just having a job. I'm frustrated and unqualified for most things that I would love to do because I've been doing what I am able to just to get by. It's time to branch out, friends.. Learn a trade, get me some mad skills other than my already mad ninja typing skills (and Pig Latin)

What a Monday!!

2011-11-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

At the request of my darling daughter, I prepared a meatloaf for dinner. I figured it was the least I could do since she picked Elijah up from school and then had to come get me because my car had a flat. Don't I have a spare, you ask? No. The tire that was on the car was the spare. The other tire is flat and happily resting in the trunk of my car. Nice way to end the day, huh? Car repairs are inevitable and I know they need to be taken care of. Why, oh why do they have to REALLY have to be taken care of right before both of my children have their birthdays and just a few weeks before Christmas??? Dave Ramsey would have a field day with this one. I can hear him saying "Emergency Fund" in the back of my mind. I know, Dave. We're working on it.
Hannah put up her pink Christmas tree in her room. It's really cute. Elijah has as little tree for his room as well. I guess I'll put that in there tomorrow. Maybe this weekend I will get our tree put up. I'm really wanting a big real tree this year. We will see how that goes. I'm trying to be in the spirit. I am really trying hard, but the dark forces of bah humbug are getting to me. That and the "broke monster" is keeping me from purchasing things that I want to purchase. I'm trying to remember that It's not about the money and the stuff that you buy, but how can I make my house look festive without spending some bank? I can't. Definitely not on the outside. Oh well.
I need to go to bed. We are a one car family for now and will have to be up early tomorrow to get everyone where they need to be on time.
Ciao

a problem

2011-11-27T20:23:00.001-08:00

I really think I have a problem. I can not stop eating. It's making me crazy. I seriously think I need to get help for this! It's not just because it's Thanksgiving. I'm eating stuff that I don't like or doesn't even taste good - just to be eating! I'm going to have to put myself on a diet just to limit what I am free to eat. Maybe that will help. I'm thinking about hypnosis - seriously thinking about hypnosis. This has to stop!

finally,, a post

2011-11-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged since August?? How is that possible? Wow. I know I've been busy, but jeesh. So much has happened over the past four months and I have had a lot to blog about. I can't believe I haven't written anything. I am getting lazy about updating Elijah's website too. I guess I should do that today as well.
So... I shaved my head in September. Crazy stuff, I know. It's at a very awkward stage right now.. I just sort of look like I have this burr of hair on my head. Not cool. I almost liked it better when it was closer to bald, but I sure won't shave it again. (just to avoid having to go through this phase). I shaved it with 46 Mommas. It was a really emotional event, and one that I'm so glad I took part in, even though I hate my hair right now. I am hoping that by my Birthday it will have grown out enough that it will lay down and not stick straight up and out - everywhere. It's terrible, really. I'm very thankful for hats.
I'm trying to find a new job. (shocker, I know) I'm at a point where I would like to go to work close to full time, but it's a challenge because Elijah still has needs above that of a normal kid. He still has to go to clinic every week. He still has to go to Philly every few months, and he still has days where he doesn't feel well enough to go to school. So.. I need a job with great flexibility, or one that I can work from home. I'm praying that I get good news about a job next week - one that would be perfect for our situation, allow me to work part time from the house and make the same that I would make working full time at the hospital. Sounds too good to be true, right? It does to me too, which is why I'm crossing my fingers, saying extra prayers, and doing everything I can so that my karma is good. I think it's time that we had something awesome like this come our way. I have to remind myself that good things can happen too, right? Right.
I'm feeling crafty today and would like to get some projects finished, but it's rainy outside and I'm kinda enjoying things being quiet and CLEAN here in the house. Maybe I will do some things later. I do have some things I've started that need to be finished.. and some things that I need to start before time gets away from me. Britt was busy this morning putting Christmas lights on the outside of the house, but it started to rain and stopped that project. I think we are more in the Christmas spirit this year than we have been in a long time. Things are pretty good. We are still broke as ever, but Elijah is doing well, we are both working, our bills are in decent shape, and we feel like we can actually breath and relax for a bit. It's nice.

My new binder...

2011-08-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am having some days of clarity, or at least I think it's clarity. Perhaps its just me being oblivious to my normal clueless-ness. Ha!
So here is what I have determined. No big shocker that I need to get things in order. Having things out of order is what creates the majority of my stress. (My hair is still falling out, have I mentioned that recently?) So.. I have read books and read blogs and done exercises and enlisted the help of friends. None of this works unless I actually do the work. With my head being in such a total fog all of the time, I forget to do what I need to do or I lay in bed completely overwhelmed by everything I need to accomplish. Not cool, man. Not cool at all. So.. I am tired of other peoples systems that have bits and pieces that work for me and pieces that don't work at all. There isn't one book that fits the way that I want to do things or that will help me to accomplish all of my goals. My life is different than everyone else on this planet. What I need to do on a day to day basis isn't the same as anyone else that I know. So, I have started my own "system". I have a very large binder that is serving as the center of my universe right now. I have a page for every day and on each page is included what my work schedule is and what appointments I have. I also have what I am preparing for dinner, weekly chores that need to be done that day and daily chores that need to be done that day. I also have notes like "Hannah move in day" or "Elijah drop off at camp" on the top of pages that I need to remember big stuff. In the front of my book I have a zipper pocket that includes all the recipes I need for dinner for the week and a separate page that has weekly menus and grocery list. My plan is to schedule things that I need to do for myself as well as the things I need to do for the house / family. For example, I have scheduled an appointment to give myself a manicure and to tweeze my eyebrows. Some may think this is absolutely ridiculous, but I don't get get manicures or eyebrows done and tend to put things like this off until it's way past time and I look like a sasquatch with a unibrow who has been digging for potatoes. Not pretty.
I am going to expand the binder to include things that Elijah needs for school such as homework, school activities and assignment due dates. For now, it's a work in progress. It's my hope that it will help me keep on track, not forget things as much, and stay on a schedule with housework. I'm hopeful. :)

The Ronald

2011-07-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

I am at "The Ronald" with Elijah. We flew in to Philly yesterday morning. We don't normally know until the day we arrive if we will have a room here or not. It's always full so it just depends on whether someone checks out and goes home and how far down we are on the waiting list.
Normally when we are here Elijah doesn't want to stay in the room at all. He wants to go to the teen room and play video games or pool or he wants to look at the movies in the office or do crafts. This time he isn't much wanting to play. He went to bed at 8 last night and slept for 12 hours. Tonight he just wanted to watch a movie and go to bed. He's hurting from his procedure and seems to have a headache from anesthesia. I'm praying he feels better tomorrow.
At times I feel sorry for myself when we are here. Sad because we are away from home and frustrated that he has to go through so much. I feel sorry for myself until we are downstairs in the kitchen and see a tired momma whose just come back from the hospital - and doesn't have her child with her. You can tell her apart from the others. She has on the blue inpatient id band and sits alone staring straight ahead. She eats quietly and slowly. I can't imagine what runs through her mind. I pray for her. I pray for her and I'm thankful that I have Elijah with me. Even when he feels bad, we can still watch movies and talk and laugh. Not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed that he is still with us. I'd come up here every week and not complain about it one bit just to have him with me and well. So.. my goal is to not complain about our situation and what we go through. I am blessed.

Yep. I already took my Ambien..

2011-07-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Take my ambien, wait for it to start working, and then come up with all of these brilliant thoughts that I simply must put down in my blog. Maybe this is why musicians often do drugs. Funny thing is, I know that what I am about to write really isn't some stroke of poetic or prophetic genius.
I'm shaving my head in just about two months. I seriously need to get some weight off before the big shave or I fear I will look all butch. I just need to learn how to put makeup on for those with no hair and I need to get some very pretty and feminine earrings. Perhaps I should just get some baggy jeans and a couple of wife beaters. I think I still have a pair of Doc Martens. My hair grows super fast, so I'm really not too concerned about me being bald for a terribly long time. I just don't look good with short hair unless I'm thinner. So.. anyone want to volunteer to be my personal trainer for free? How about beauty consultant for the bald and the beautiful?
Okay, I've been interrupted twice and have now forgotten all of the other witty and charming things I wanted to talk about. Darn ambien. I think one of them was an herb garden. Maybe I will blog about that later though.
If you are one of the three people who read my blog, will you share something with your friends? www.46mommas.com and www.gofundme.com/talley-travel-fund
We are trying to raise funds for 46 Mommas and are trying to get help to get us to Washington DC for the big shave. We appreciate any bit of help.
I guess I need to go to bed.

Just The List

2011-07-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

Okay.. I have some things on my list that are bugging me - so I'm going to put them down on here. This is not my bucket list - which is full of wonderful things I would love to accomplish at some point. This is just crap that stresses me out that I wish I could fix.

1. For Elijah to be well.
2. For my car to be fixed.(needs a hub cap, tires, and to get the fender fixed - it's falling off)
3. For Britt's car to be fixed.
4. To get mine and Britt's dental work done.
5. To own the house that we live in (or at least get another year on the lease).
6. To have all of our bills caught up.
7. To have my whole house clean and know where everything is. (yeah, crack smoking crazy.. I know)
8. To be able to go to the foot doctor and have my toe looked at.
9. To get the cyst removed from my wrist
10. To be able to get Hannah what she needs for her dorm room and to start school
11. To be able to get Elijah new clothes and shoes for school.

This is what I need to alleviate my stress. These are a few of the things in my life that drive me nuts. Number 1 being Elijah's health. I guess I should start looking at which ones I can do anything about and not worry about the rest. That's kind of hard to do when I have to pop the fender back on my car every time I drive it. Elijah is embarrassed of it.. can't say that I blame him. I do know that it's much better than what my mother embarrassed me with when I was his age. Remember Gremlins? Yeah.. mom had one.. When she didn't have that she borrowed my aunt's Pinto.
I am tired and my ambien has kicked in.. so I know I'm rambling. If I start talking about alien abductions, just stop reading. It doesn't mean I've been abducted, just means that I am no longer coherent. like I ever really am!

Work?

2011-07-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am working a lot over the next week. I actually don't have a day off until Thursday which means I will have worked 6 days straight. Granted, a few of my shifts have only been 4 hours, but it's work just the same. I am going to like my next paycheck, I think. I think it will really help out with some existing bills and upcoming expenses.
I can't believe school starts in a little more than a month. It seems like they just got out. It will be Elijah's last year at his school. We have loved having him at Jefferson. I'm not certain what we will do for middle school. We are not too keen on sending him to public school even though that's where he wants to go. The public schools here are just too big once you get to middle school. I'm just not comfortable with him being in a large school environment with big classes,crowded hallways and bullies. We can't really afford private school and I am too disorganized to home school. I'm sure that a workable solution will present itself during the next school year.
Dieting sucks. Just so I am clear on that one thing. I did really well and lost quite a bit of weight on CLEAN, but can't get my head into it to do it again. I am thinking I'm going to have to do something middle of the road and just use myfitnesspal or count WW points. I don't want to be fat, but I can't take feeling deprived. It's causing me to binge, which is terrible.
Man, I'm whiny! ha! Maybe I need to go back to the beach. I don't think I whined as much at the beach!

sleep

2011-06-28T14:45:00.001-07:00

We've just returned from Lighthouse Family Retreat. It's an amazing experience, to say the least. I loved it. I wish I could work for Lighthouse and be there every week.. okay, maybe not every week. I think perhaps I would be exhausted beyond repair then. I'm pretty tired now and we had people doing everything for us the entire time we were there. Everything but sleep, that is.
I love being that close to the ocean. It calms me and amazes me. To me, the ocean is a reminder to let go. Some things we just can't control no matter how hard we try. It's a reminder that God is in control and there are things that are greater and more powerful than we can ever hope to be.
Lighthouse reminds me that I want to be a better wife. That I want to show Britt that not only do I admire and respect him, but that I am so proud of him. I am thankful that he is such a great dad and a husband that i can be proud to call mine. I have to say there were a few husbands at the retreat that I genuinely felt sorry for their wives. Perhaps I judge too much. I just think I'm pretty blessed in that department.
So the week started with me having the worst kidney infection I can remember in a long time. I was miserable. I went to the doctor before we left and got some antibiotics which seemed to work wonderfully. A few days after we were there, I was horsing around with Hannah and I fell backwards off a very short ladder and broke a shelf in our beach house. ouch. I still hurt (I think I pinched a nerve - guess that's what I get, right?) Then the sore throat starts.. sore throat, runny nose, watery eyes.. YUCK. You aren't supposed to be sick at the beach! I'm still fighting this summer cold. I think if I could sleep for a couple of days, I would be better. I just want to sleep.
So.. time to start working on my bucket list, after I quit coughing and sneezing.

Busy Days

2011-06-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

I think my "to do" list is a mile long today. How am I getting it all done? I am blogging! Go me! I had to go to Elijah's school and pick up Hobo and all of Elijah's things this morning. He desperately wanted to say good bye to Mrs. Faulkenberry. We may have to track her down this summer and let him see her. He's had the best luck with teachers at Jefferson Elementary. I am already stressing over who he will have for 5th grade. We are praying for Mrs. Baranek. She's new and supposed to be awesome. We like awesome! i am going to wait til Summer is over and then I will stress over middle school. Elijah wants to go to public school but I think the public school is too large and fear that he will be teased and bullied. He's quite the spitfire, but gets his feelings hurt easily if he thinks he's being made fun of or singled out. Kids can be wonderful and kids can be mean. You just never know what you are going to get. We can't really swing private school but have heard that several have scholarship opportunities so we may look in to that. I'd like to keep him with his friends, but some of them are going off to private school too. hmmmmmm
Elijah is gone to camp right now. It's quiet around the house. No music playing, no computer games in the background, no tv. I just hear birds and the occasional car drive by. I may have to turn on some music while I clean to avoid talking to myself. (Who am I kidding? Music will NOT keep me from talking to myself)
Hannah is all graduated now. She's busy working at her summer job before school starts in the fall. I'm so proud of her! I can't believe she is so grown up.
Not much else going on with me. I am no longer working at the church, which I must say has been great for my stress level. I don't worry about messing things up or forgetting things all the time. I just work at the hospital and when my shift is over, I come home. It's nice. I am working more now than I was when I was at the church and recently got a raise at the hospital, so I am making a bit more money than before. Always an added bonus!
We are getting ready to head to Lighthouse Family Retreat on Sunday!!! I can't tell you how ready I am for this trip. I can't wait to hear the ocean again. We snuck a quick trip to Atlantic City about a month ago when we were in Philly. We didn't spend any money on anything or do much but walk on the beach and the boardwalk. It did my soul good to hear the waves. Why is that such a soothing and powerful sound? To me, the ocean is a symbol of God's power and a reminder that there are some things that are just mightier than I am: things that I can not control. I love it.
I would like to start blogging more. I would really like to write a book. there was a mom in the lobby of the hospital the other day that had written a book called "NICU Mom". I could totally do that. "Onco Mom".. That's me. It sounds like a superhero name though, and I am totally no super hero. Maybe that's what my book should be about: that you don't have to be a super hero just because you have a kid with cancer. You just have to be a mom.

The Bucket List

2011-03-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Someone posted something the other day about a "bucket list". They were asking people to share three things on their bucket list. It got me to thinking - I don't have a bucket list. I figured right away that I had plenty of things on my list of things that I wanted to do, see, or have.. why not just start that list and call it my bucket list? So that's what I did. So far I have 38 things on my bucket list. If I can get to 50, I think I will be satisfied with that. They are not in order of importance or in order of how they will be accomplished. Just 38 (hopefully soon to be 50) random things that I would like to experience in my life. Some materialistic, some selfless, and some just plain ole fun.

1. lose 70 pounds
2. Run a 5K
3. See a play on Broadway
4. Own a nice car (Mine have always been yucky)
5. Put my life story in writing
6. Renew my vows and have a wedding (preferably with Britt)
7. Snow Ski - just once!
8. Learn to cook Beef Wellington
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a Cruise.. doesn't have to be a long one. a 3 day would do.
11. Learn and become good at Yoga
12. Own a diamond ring
13. own a string of pearls
14. visit Europe
15. Play Tennis
16. Develop a personal sense of style
17. Find a career that I would love
18. Have a very best friend.
19. Get another tattoo
20. Create a piece of art
21. Own a large Elizabeth Weber painting
22. Learn to meditate
23. Take a trip with Hannah
24. Develop a stronger and more brave faith
25. Be more environmentally aware in our home
26. Help someone truly in need - change someones life for the better
27. Be in a small play
28. spend more time with kim, sue and Jessica
29. Keep my house clean for a whole year
30. Get Britt to draw me something
31. Camp at the Grand Canyon
32. See Mt. Rushmore
33. Take a vacation that's not cancer related
34. Learn Spanish
35. Take a ballroom dance class
36. Snorkel
37. Become a morning person
38. Volunteer at a soup kitchen

So there's my list. It doesn't have things like shave my head or help find a cure for cancer.. those are things already on my list... things in the works now. So.. if you know of someone who could help me to start marking any of these things off my list, let me know. :) Some of them are actually quite doable.

What can I say?

2011-02-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as though I'm making positive steps toward change, and then other times I feel like crippling depression is holding me so far down that i can't catch my breath. I decided not to attend school this semester. I'm going to take a break from it for a great while, actually. I know that I am over 40 and that finishing school has been a goal of mine for a long time, but I just can't get my heart in to it right now. I can't focus, I can't absorb, and I can't keep up. I'm so tired of doing everything half-assed. I actually feel good about my decision. Have had no regrets about it at all. That may change in a few months, but oh well. What do you do? For now, it was the best thing for me.
Britt and I are trying to detox our diet right now. It's been tough, but I've lost 5 pounds in less than a week, so I guess it's worth it. I have cheated a tiny bit here and there, but nothing drastic. I haven't had a diet coke in 5 days - which is a major feat for me. I hope I can stay off of it for good. I've had the habit for 25 years, so it's not easy to kick.
We are looking for a new church. We are visiting one tomorrow that seems to be drawing me in. Maybe it's God telling me that's where I need to be right now. I have to have something positive and uplifting to fill this void I feel. I know that God can do it.. I just have to let him.
I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning. As much as I convince myself it's because of my diet or lack of exercise, I know it's the depression getting worse. I haven't been taking my antidepressants like I should - even though I know they help. I don't know why I haven't been. Mostly because I forget. You'd think lying in bed feeling like your world is about to come crashing down around you would be enough of a reminder to take a dang pill. I will start back with them tomorrow. I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist - but can't get in to see anyone for 6-8 weeks. How crazy is that? I am thankful that I am not one of those people who wants to hurt myself (or someone else).. Having to wait that long is ridiculous. What saddens me is that there are that many people dealing with mental illness, that you can't get an appointment for such a long time.
I want to be happy. I want to have adventures. I want to be healthy. I don't want to avoid my friends because I would rather crawl in to bed and watch movies on the computer. I want to cook and enjoy my family. I want to feel motivated. Life is good right now - and I really want to enjoy it. I'm tired of avoiding everything.

Happiness

2011-01-31T09:12:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday marked my 41st Birthday. In spite of the fact that the pedicure guy asked my sister if I was her mother.. In spite of the fact that I think I've gained 10 pounds and am so swollen and puffy... In spite of the fact that my face is broken out like a 15 year old boy..In spite of the fact that I have gray hair running amok.. I was happier this weekend than I can remember being in a very long time. I loved it. I spent time with my family and a few of my dear friends.. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt, I ate great food, saw a wonderful movie, was pampered and spoiled.. did I mention that I ate great food? Wow.. My kids played together at the park and I enjoyed seeing them both laugh and smile so much. That's what life is all about, right there. Yesterday was lazy. We went for our third visit to a church we've been considering and then came home. We didn't leave the house for the rest of the day. I think 3 times is enough to make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue going someplace. I think we've decided that it's not for us and will move on to a different church now.
I am drinking my one diet coke of the day. I am back to using myfitnesspal again and need to get on some sort of exercise routine. I'm just scared of all of the hills in our neighborhood (and really don't want anyone seeing my fat self try to run during the day)
This upcoming weekend will be mine and Britt's 12th wedding anniversary. I think that's a pretty big deal! I can't imagine that someone would put up with me for 12 years. I love that man.. I think I'll keep him.

Snow Days

2011-01-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

We've had lovely snow here in Little Rock for the past couple of days. Elijah really enjoyed it. He isn't one of those kids that will get out in the snow and stay out until you force him to come back in. He just goes out in spurts. He will stay outside and play for 10 or 15 minutes and then come in to take a break. Granted, he will want to do this 7 or 8 times, but I think it's better than staying out all day. Britt has had a fire going in the wood stove so the pets have taken up residence on that side of the house and have barely moved. It's pretty funny, actually.
So I know that I mentioned in my last blog entry that we were looking for a new church and I know I said that I probably wouldn't blog about losing my best friend - but the two are a bit related, so I guess I will blog about it. I am not for airing dirty laundry on social media nor am I going to talk badly about anyone on the internet (not anyone that I know, anyway) but I will give the basic outline.
Recently I felt verbally attacked by my (now former) best friends wife. She said some things to me that were really hurtful, but basically expressed what her true feelings were for me - so good on her for being honest, right? She ended the conversation with a threat and then followed up by telling her husband that I said some things that I never said. During the conversation she told me that my life was miserable and that I was mean and venomous. Okay.. So.. Marriage comes first and alliance should always be with your spouse. That's just how I feel. So I think it's best to remove my self from the situation.
Here is the rub.. We had been thinking of possibly finding another church home. We love the church we have been attending but felt as though we really wanted to be more involved and wanted Elijah to be motivated to learn and connect. So far, where we were he hasn't. He loved the people there but had zero interest in getting involved in any of the children's activities - which means it's hard for Britt and I to get involved in any of the adult activities. My friends wife works there so us being on the outs made it a bit easier for us to make the decision to start looking elsewhere. I don't want to be in any uncomfortable situations - especially at church. Avoidance is often how I cope.. I will own that.
so.. we have visited a couple of lovely churches. One Methodist and one not. We enjoyed both of them, but let me say this. Visiting multiple new churches around Christmas is NOT a good way to see what normal services are going to be like. We went to three different churches around Christmas. We heard the same songs at all three and heard the same message at all three. Granted, delivery and environment were all distinctly different but the overall message was the same. You can't really go and change up the story, can you? So.. we will try again. I worked last Sunday and am working again this upcoming. One of the churches we liked has a Monday night service and another we were thinking about has a Saturday night service..
Britt and I really want to make some positive changes this year. I think the way to start with that is to establish a stronger relationship with God. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ - but I want a deeper and stronger relationship with them. I want God to guide and control my life - not me. I'm obviously not doing such a great job controlling it, so it's time for Him to take over.
I am trying to let go of the hard feelings I have had for years. I don't have any hatred in my heart anymore and really just want happiness and peace. Honestly, I want to be able to just completely let all negativity go, put myself in God's hands, and move on with my life. But I'll still be avoiding some people.... for my own sanity. :)

Happy New Year

2011-01-05T09:46:00.001-08:00

I haven't been updating my blog lately. I honestly just haven't felt like it. I feel like all I do is whine on here. I thought, "No one wants to read about you feeling sorry for yourself all the time!" Then I realized that my blog only has two followers anyway, so I might as well say whatever the heck I want, right? Who cares?
We were in Philly just after Christmas and got to play in the snow. It was fun and pretty for about 5 minutes, then I was over it.
Classes start for me next week. It should be my last semester. I hope and pray it's my last semester! I have some demanding classes so I am really going to have to buckle down. My GPA is in the toilet right now. I had a 4.0 my first semester back in school. There really isn't a reason I shouldn't still be doing well. Laziness, I suppose.
So I've made my list of goals for 2011. Some I guess you could say are resolutions. They include the usual "get in better shape and lose weight" stuff that I have on my list of everyday woes and gripes. My list also includes developing a deeper relationship with God and getting to a point where Britt and I are comfortable praying together. I want to focus more on my marriage and spend more time with Hannah. I want to finish my stupid associates degree and eliminate stuff that I don't use/need. I want to make my bed every day and keep my sink shiny. I also want a new couch and to get off the carbonated beverages. (Celebrities go to rehab for everything under the sun.. WHY don't they have a rehab for Diet Coke?)
My hair is growing out.. I'm actually liking having long hair again. I will get to enjoy it for about 9 more months and then it's all being shaved off.. I'm going to shave my head completely bald. I'm part of the 46 Mommas this year.. a group of moms from across the country that raise funds and then shave their heads. I'm excited, but nervous.
That's it from me for now. I have a lot more to say, but it will have to wait for another day. We are looking for a new church home - the few we have visited are worthy of a blog entry or two. I lost my best friend - looking for a new one of those too (doubt I will blog about that though) I am forever on the quest for organization and order.. I think 2011 may actually be the year that I get there.

So much...

2010-11-27T12:34:00.001-08:00

Quite a bit going on since my last blog entry. We are steadily working on getting our house in order. I love this house!! It's not huge, but is so roomy and full of personality. We could be happy here for a long time.
We had family over here for Thanksgiving. Our first time having company over other than to just say hello since we've moved in. It was nice - but a reminder that I still haven't figured out where everything should be for maximum efficiency just yet. I also think I'm missing a couple of kitchen boxes - because I couldn't find a few things. Britt made an amazing turkey (that I couldn't eat) and we had the other normal turkey day staples. After dinner a couple of Hannah's friends hung out and played a board game with us. It was tons of fun. I think Elijah really enjoyed himself.
Elijah will turn 10 years old in just a few days. It's so hard to believe. For more than 5 years we have been living day to day, not knowing for sure how long he would be with us, but praying that it would be until he is old an gray. Elijah turning 10 is a huge deal. We have been truly blessed.
Right after Elijah's birthday, Hannah will be 18!! How the heck did THAT sneak up on me? 18 is basically an adult - ugh. I'm old. I'm so proud of her. She will be graduating from high school in May and then it's off to college.
The next few weeks are going to feel like a whirlwind of activity. Birthdays, Holiday Parties, work, getting settled in the house and then Christmas. The day after Christmas we fly to Philadelphia for testing and to meet with Dr. Maris.
Elijah just finished his 18th round of this drug. He's been on the same medication for over a year. That's amazing. In the wee hours of the morning today, he had some pain. Woke up crying with pain in one of his legs. I can't adequately describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he has pain like this. It's terrifying. Even though we know that he ALWAYS has some sort of pain issues after he finishes a cycle of this drug, the thought of disease progression is always there. Thankfully pain meds got everything under control and today he is just fine.
Britt and I made a list of our wishes and goals for 2010. I don't think I attained a single one. I need to find my list and work on my list for 2011. The dynamics of my life, friendships, and priorities changed over the past year. My list for 2011 may be completely different than it was last year. I know first and foremost will be to make my health a priority.. spiritual, physical, marital, and mental health.
I am excited for Christmas, but this month is so busy. I really am ready for December to be over before it's even started.

It's wrong to be tired

2010-11-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

I was able to see a neuroblastoma mom friend today at the hospital in Philadelphia. I haven't seen her since last January. Even though we've only met once in person, I feel as though we are friends. It's crazy how cancer does that. We talked a bit about "survivor guilt". As a parent of a cancer patient, we do experience it, crazy as it may sound. Seriously, who should ever feel guilty that their child is alive? No one. I don't so much think it's guilt over my child being alive as opposed to some of my friends whose children we have mourned. You know, sometimes I get really tired and irritated! That's what I feel guilty about. How can I complain about flying all day and being tired when I'm flying to someplace that's keeping my son with me? I know my friend who lost her daughter a few years ago would trade places with me in a heartbeat and gladly go through some long days just to be with her daughter again. How can I bitch about being tired? We come to the hospital every week for labs. I have to give Elijah shots for several days in a row each month. We fly to Philadelphia every 6 weeks. I miss tons of work. Woe.Is.Me. In this world of kids with cancer, there are three places you can be: Done with treatment and living a "normal" life (life is NEVER normal after a cancer diagnosis), still in treatment and in the fight, or you've lost your child and are learning to live again, as impossible as that sounds. Even though I whine from time to time and I complain about being tired, I am so thankful to still be in this fight. I will continue to do it forever, if that's what it takes. I am 100% positive that Britt will say the same thing. Our lives are not what we pictured - but it is ours and we embrace it. Normal is just different for us, that's all. REALLY different.

timing

2010-10-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I want to write in my blog, it's always late at night after I am already under the influence of ambien? Makes no sense to me - so this will probably make no sense to anyone who actually reads my blog.
A lot going on. We have found a home. Praise God! It's pretty close to the house of my dreams. (pretty close) It has so much personality. I love it. I feel at home there already. it's one of those things where I don't want to put all of my ugly, old, scratched up furniture in it because I think the house is too nice for my crap. Does that sound bad? I went and bought a slip cover for my sofa because this sofa is pretty ragged. It's got spots on it where its all sun faded and just looks terrible. The slipcover helped, really it did. I would much rather have a couch that it's obvious is slip covered, than have a couch that looks like ass. I need to get a nice rug for the living room. I have no idea how to shop for stuff like this. If I had hundreds of dollars and could go just buy everything matching, I would.. but I don't. I will just have to make do with what I can find and hope that my house doesn't continue to look like I live at a yard sale. So.. I need a rug and a comfy chair for the living room. I've been stalking Craigslist to see if just the right thing will pop up. I'm sure it will.
I'm going to have to get Hannah a new comforter for her bed, Thankfully one at Target that she loves - so that will be easy. Not so easy is options for some art on her wall. She is ready for a grown up room, but something sort of whimsical. Her walls are kind of a mocha color and her comforter is white. I need something with a splash of color that would look really sophisticated but fun too. Any suggestions? I'm not opposed to doing something myself - Budget is definitely in consideration...
Elijah's room will already be cool. He has his shark stuff and now wants to add a few things from his newest obsession; The Beatles. Elijah LOVES the Beatles. He's been listening to them non stop for weeks now. I'll be on the lookout for a Beatles poster for his room. I may have to order one on line.
I can't wait to get the rest of the house finished and be in there! It's going to be fantastic! I have a huge kitchen that I will be able to cook in! yay!!! My focus is going to be on preparing family meals that I can make ahead - that save time but are nutritiuous too. Maybe I'll start blogging about it. I thought about seeing if a friend of mine wanted to come over one afternoon and we could cook three meals and then split them.
I am trying really hard to be positive right now because the thing with the house just fell in to place perfectly. I'm trying to be positive, but sometimes my inner pessimest just gets the best of me.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can readjust my medication or switch completely. I have been mean as a snake on this drug. Just angry and "persecuted". It's not just that side effect, but I'm dealing with a few others as well. I've felt sick nearly every day for weeks now - and my hair is falling out. Thankfully I have really thick hair so no one would really notice unless they had their hands in my hair at some point. I would say that I've lost maybe a third of my hair in the past two weeks. Barrettes that I would have to struggle to get closed because of my thick hair - Are now loose and have hair falling out because it's not tight enough to hold itself in. It takes me a fraction of the time to dry my hair. at first I thought it was my imagination. It's not like Elijah's hair falling out - this is gradual and not obvious. I find tons of hair in the bathtub, on my clothes, in my sink. If I run my fingers through my hair, most times I come back with five or six strands. It's awful! Of course I try to self diagnose. It could be thyroid, it could be iron deficiency, it could be medication, it could be poor diet, it could be stress.. just pick one. Maybe I should suggest to Dr. Felton that he get one of those spinning wheels like they have on Price is Right.. Put a bunch of possible diagnoses on there and just let me spin. I think it would always be weighted on "you don't sleep well and you are under too much stress".. no shit.
Okay.. super bitchy Dawn is starting to take over the keyboard, so I had better go to bed.
tomorrow I'd like to talk about why I think teenagers are stupid sometimes.

No complaining here..

2010-09-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's nearly time to go to bed. Elijah's been in bed for over an hour and a half. Yay! Britt and I could use this time to talk or whatever, but I'm doing homework (okay,so I'm really blogging now) and he is working on a project for work. It will really be time for sleep soon.
Elijah's school is doing the huge yard sale on Saturday. I've decided that it's stupid for me to feel paranoid and think that people percieve us as greedy and not really in need. I think that's how I feel about certain other families, and it's projecting on to my own situations. I don't think that people think of us like that because we've never given them reason to. I really am excited about the sale! I would be even if it weren't for our family. ha! I so wish I could come out and help, but I have to take a test on Saturday and will be gone from 8 to 1. The sale will be over by the time I am finished - but perhaps I can help "hem things up" when I am finished with class.
I am praying that this is the last crazy week for a while. It seems like so much going on with school and so much going on with work and then silly me signs up to work a lot of extra at the hospital. I need calgon! I actually need to move to a bigger house with a full size bathtub so I can enjoy some calgon.. Our bathtub isn't full sized. (really.. it's not my rear.. I promise.. it's the bathtub)
We are looking for a house. Going tomorrow to see a possibility. We want to know if they will lower the rent for a longer lease period. We shall see. Lovely house.. Perfect neighborhood. I'm praying. It doesn't have a fenced in backyard, but that can be easily fixed - or Bay can just go on a tether when he's outside. no worries.
I think I have decided to go ahead and apply for nursing school in the spring. What can it hurt, right? I either get in or I don't. That's the way I look at it. I need to at least try and stop being such a dang chicken. I can do the work.
Okay. signing off. I'm tired - and a bit manic, so I better go to bed.

Celebrity Gossip

2010-09-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I continue to be so intrigued by celebrity gossip! It makes me crazy! I am now following the Real Housewives of New Jersey (all but Danielle because she's nasty and frankly sort of scares me). I follow a few others too. Pink (she's very funny)and I think i follow Justin Timberlake. I definitely follow The Pioneerwoman because I want to be like her. The rest of them, I don't understand what my fascination is!!! It's not like I think we can become friends or anything and I do NOT want what they have. Britt and I were talking earlier. I think Theresa from RHW drives a beautiful Escalade. You know what else has to ride in that car with her everywhere she goes? A little monster called "11 Million Dollars in Debt". No thanks. You can keep the big house, designer clothes, lovely parties and the big car.. I think I would be locked up in a mental institution if I had the stress of that much debt on my shoulders - so I wouldn't get to enjoy a bit of it anyway. Gads! It makes my ulcer flare up just to think about it!
I used to follow Kirstie Alley, but she tweets constantly and most of them are conversations that should be done over email, so I stopped following her.
I wish Britney Spears dad would get a hold of Lindsey Lohan and run her life for a few months. Maybe he could get her back on track the way he did Brit. I just really don't think Lindsey has hit bottom yet.. which is really scary.
This might sound strange, but I think mostly I like to follow what goes on with the celebrities because I feel sorry for them. I would never want the life that they have. Not their own, you know? Don't get me wrong.. I would love to be an actress - and be in a film or a play. (I used to do that when I was a kid.. not films but plays) I wouldn't want to be famous though. I'd rather just be happily mildly successful, respected, and financially sufficient. Does that make sense? I wish I could write a book. I wouldn't even know where to start though. How cool would that be? To be a well known author - people could just know your name and not really know your face. Awesome. Maybe I will do that. Any topics of interest for a new book? I'll just take requests.

Home Alone - but not really.

2010-09-02T19:46:00.001-07:00

Britt is gone tonight. He's doing the second part of a sleep study. I've been after him for a while about having a sleep study done because he stops breathing when he sleeps. He is exhausted all the time and just feels run down. I think our poor eating and exercising habits have a large part to do with it, but I also think he has sleep apnea. I have to diagnose everybody - I think it's a sickness.
So I was just about right with my timeline of how long I thought we'd stay in the condo. The smallness of it has us all on edge. I say all of us, I don't think Elijah minds it one bit. It's not like he's a big "play out in the yard" kind of kid anyway. He has his computer, his directv, and a whole bunch of books and activities. He is happy. He doesn't care that he shares a room with his 17 year old sister. She's only home once a week and she sleeps on the top bunk. It doesn't bother him that we only have one bathroom because he usually gets first dibs when he needs it. He hates to take a bath so the bathroom is just a necessity for him.
If we were true minimalists and didn't have pets, condo living would be just fine. We just have too much crap. I know. I sound like a broken record.. whine.
I have started looking at houses to rent. I found one yesterday that I think I like, but they want to rent it right away. We don't plan on moving until mid October so that one was out of the question. Britt and I decided that if it was still there when we got ready to move, then maybe it was meant to be. If not, we're sure God has something perfect in mind for us. Thankfully the moving process will be much easier since the good majority of our stuff is in storage. What we have in the condo can be moved with one good u-haul load.
I wish I could just give away our couch and coffee table and get a new one. That's definitely not in the budget though.
Elijah's school is doing a huge yard sale as a fundraiser for our family to help pay for expenses related to Elijah's treatment. I was talking to a friend the other day about what all the basic expenses we incur just from one trip to Philadelphia. I think she was a bit shocked. We get help with mine and Elijah's plane tickets - which is awesome and we are so thankful for that. I don't know how we would make it without that assistance. Well, we couldn't truthfully. We'd probably have to move to Philadelphia. Anyway.. I digress. The little stuff really adds up. When you figure in just checking our bags, cab from the airport to the Ronald Mcdonald House and then back again, plus a few cab fares to the hospital, staying at Ronald McDonald house, (it's only $15 a night to stay at RMH in Philly and you get free dinner, so that really balances out) and airport parking, we are already looking at over $200. That's not figuring in any food at all. We really and truly try to budget our money on our trips as much as we can, but there's no way getting around some of the expenses. So.. what I am saying is that the fundraiser from Elijah's school is such a huge blessing.
We are truly blessed. We both have cars that run, a roof over our heads, and we both have jobs. Our kids never go without and we definitely don't go hungry. There are so many that can't say that. Hannah works really hard and honestly takes care of herself most of the time. Have you seen her lovely pageant and prom gowns?? She worked at the formal gown store and paid for those herself. We have amazing family and friends that support us and always make sure that we have what we need. We have our trials, but honestly, Elijah is the one who faces the most challenges. I whine and complain and bitch - but Elijah lives with the pain, the insecurity and the fear every day. He is the one who deals with all of this with the strength of a superhero. God gives him his strength and helps carry us. Honestly.
Okay.. I'm tired. I still have to give Elijah his shot and do tons of reading for American Literature. (It really seems like a history class. I'm not enjoying it)

Well, YUCK

2010-07-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

got the word today from my physical. My cholesterol is good but my triglycerides are high. Dr. F recommends Milk Thistle for that. I am vitamin D deficient - so I get to take a vitamin D supplement. Nice.. And here is the fun stuff. I am pre-diabetic. (and now for the collective, "duh") I need to try and lose some weight and get some exercise and then go back to see Dr. F in 4 months to check my sugar again. I read today that a vitamin d def. can affect your blood sugar. Mine is probably just from eating crap and not getting enough exercise. That and lovelies like chocolate pudding cake and homemade blackberry ice cream. It's all Britt's fault!!!! ha.. just kidding. Scary stuff. How much more do I need to try and scare me in to getting my life together? ugh.
I'm getting a lot done at work this week. It feels good to be sort of getting caught up with stuff. I just need to keep up the momentum. I have cooked dinner four nights in a row now.. wow. It's getting better..I'm getting the house cleaner.. Praying the laundry fairy shows herself soon though.

Sales ... & stuff

2010-07-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

So I am thinking about going in to some sort of sales, but I'm not sure what. I don't like selling things where I have to beg people to buy what I have for sale. I hated selling radio. I don't want to do any kind of home party sales thing. Too much work and not enough money.(also adds tons of "stuff" to my already junk filled life) Plus I am not organized enough to keep that stuff separate from my personal stuff and I don't want to handle money any more than I already do at the church. Money stresses me out. ha! I want to do something that would allow me to work very part time and have much flexibility but something that I could actually enjoy and make a bit of money at. I'm not talking about instant wealth (although that would be nice). So, what could I sell that is something people need and want, something that I won't have to push on people, and something that I could make a bit of decent money at? Suggestions? When I say a bit of decent money - I make very little right now - so adding 10K or so to our annual income would be a great big help. Real Estate? Insurance? (can you sell insurance part time?) Do you HAVE to have a nice car to succeed in sales? I would definitely have to have a redo on my appearance. I don't think frumpy housewife who doesn't like to wear makeup would fly. ha! We have to be able to increase our income in order to get ahead and start saving. yuck. conflicted.

Why didn't this post yesterday when I wrote it??

2010-07-17T21:14:00.001-07:00

It's Friday night, nearly 12:30 in the morning. 15 years ago this would be just about the time I was getting started. Now I am just tired and wondering why I didn't go to bed an hour ago. I'm still a night owl and probably always will be. I guess I got that from my Mom. Elijah has inherited it from me but I think Hannah took after her dad. She goes to bed pretty early.
Condo life is starting to lose its shine. The condo that is directly behind ours is vacant and being remodeled. They don't start with the noise terribly early, but it's noise just the same. Loud power tools and music. I love music and normally don't mind it, but our houses are soundproof enough that the music just comes through the walls like muffled noise.
We have unpacked as much as we possibly can. We honestly don't have room for anything else. We have a storage unit that is packed to the gills and our little place is still lined with boxes. It's starting to get to me. How did I accumulate so much stuff?
I don't even want to get started on the animals. Duchess has thankfully found a new home. The cats and smallish dog are enough to make me nuts right now (not that I am far from it anyway!) I love the furries, I really do. I just don't like the fact that we are in such a small space they seem everywhere. We are used to being in small spaces - staying at the Ronald McDonald all the time. I just wish we could figure out what to do with all the "junk". AND I wish I could teach the cats how to use the toilet instead of a litter box. I hate the litter box.
Okay.. I have whined enough. On the plus side of things, I am loving being back in the area we live in. Elijah is enjoying the pool nearly every day - which is awesome. He's getting great exercise and building strength. We are also liking the break we are seeing from big utility bills. I think our electric bill was less than $100 last month. That's amazing to me. So.. we will stay in the little condo for a couple more months. I am already looking for the "perfect house" for our family. I think my obsession with looking so soon is making Britt nuts. I think we are going to try to move mid October. Not far and probably still not going to buy anything. Just a rent house preferably with a small yard, a few hundred more square feet, and a 3rd bedroom. Maybe we will luck out and find one with a state of the art kitchen.. ha! A girl can dream, right?

People you see in airports

2010-07-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

I wish I had the nerve to take pictures of some of the wacky things we see while traveling. Mainly the outfits that people wear. Last week was one of my favorites. Lovely guy wearing board shorts and bright pink Crocs. I overheard him telling the man standing next to him in line that he was on his way to Chicago to teach a class on impulse buying. Seriously? I wanted to ask him if the pink Crocs were an impulse buy or if had planned to purchase them. I felt bad - because then I thought surely he would come up with some story like the Crocs had belonged to his late mother and it made him feel close to her to wear them when he travels - or something tragic along those lines. I let it go. I didn't take the picture and I didn't judge. Elijah got a big kick out of it though. Then (again in Chicago) getting ready to board our flight home we see a another nice young man (late teens - maybe??) wearing shorts that he looked like he borrowed from Hannah with a tight tee (also could have been from Hannah's closet) and BRIGHT RED SUSPENDERS!!! oh my.. It was too much for us to hold the giggle back from this one! Especially when we saw the big burly guy standing next to us looking at little pinnochio in sheer disbelief. It's not about homophobia - it's not about judging others who are different.. I walk around the airport with a bald kid - believe me when I tell you that I am sympathetic to those who are different. It's just about the humor of the clothing choice. I know what we wear should be about our personality and reflect who we really are, and that's fine. Really.. I had my days of dressing outlandishly and fully expected people to stare or point fingers. I think that's why I did it..
I wonder if anyone has pictures floating around of me and some of my crazy outfits.. someone other than my grandmother.

I'm Baaacckkk

2010-06-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I blogged. So much has been going on. We just returned from the amazing Lighthouse Family Retreat. I loved it. I was so sad when we had to leave. I don't think I realized how overcome with sadness I would be until our last day there. I pray that we will be able to go back next year. I've already been thinking of things I would like to do differently when we go back. 1. I would like to spend more time with Britt - just he and I reconnecting as a couple. We didn't get to do much of that, really. I think we need it 2. I want to spend more time on the beach. I loved our nighttime beach trips and would really like to enjoy more of that. If we were better prepared we would have brought chairs and stuff with us so we could just hang out. The ocean at night is absolutely breathtaking. 3. Bikes. I want a bike for Christmas - just so I can take it to the beach with me. Sad, huh? We loved riding bikes in Rosemary. I feel like I am in a much better place spiritually. I learned a lot from these other families we spent time with. It was a beautiful experience.
I am wondering if hypnosis can help with organizational skills.... hmmmm.. At this point I am willing to try just about anything.

One step forward, two steps back.

2010-05-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

We worked a bit on the house today. Actually, I was quite lazy and didn't do as much as I should have. I did, however, do a twenty minute Brazilian aerobics workout AND Britt and I walked for 30 minutes tonight. (the Brazilian thing was something I recorded from Fit tv - fun)
I managed to get a few things put away in Elijah's room and empty some of the boxes from there. If you've read his blog, you would have seen that he was not happy with the state of his room. It's much better now, I assure you.
Britt said he feels as though we took one step forward and two steps back with the house. I think I disagree. While I know sometimes it seems as if we are shifting stuff from one room to another, I know that we are trying to figure out where things go and are realizing that we are seriously lacking storage space in this condo. We just have too much stuff. We have one closet that would work wonderfully to put stuff in, but we are currently using that to house the "cat stuff"..
Speaking of cats. They are about to be the death of me. Now that we are in such a small space, it seems like there is cat hair EVERYWHERE. I don't understand it. I have friends that have cats and their homes don't have cat hair all over the place. How do they do it? UGH. I bought a "Furminator". It's a brush that is supposed to remove the hair before they shed it. I tackled Dude this evening and gave him a pretty good combing with it. Yuck. I was covered and he was livid. Britt had to help me hold him. Dude growled at me the whole time. I think we will have to sedate Tinkerbell before we Furminate her. She will eat me alive, I fear.
I am really liking My Fitness Pal! It's been an excellent tool. It really reminds me of WW, only easier. Kudos to my wonderful spouse for recommending it.
Tomorrow I am meeting my friend to walk. Thankfully she changed our timing up a bit so I don't have to be there at 5:45 am. She is, however, making me walk 4 miles. I can do it. Surely I can do it.
I guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow starts a really busy few weeks for us.

ugh

2010-05-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

How come I always miss the cool giveaways on The Pioneer Woman's website? I love her blog, I love her photography, and my whole family LOVES her recipes. Sounding a bit stalker-ish? I hope not. She really is cool and I hope you check our her blog if you haven't already. I meant to tell Lori thanks so much for introducing her to me. I learn all kinds of new things at bunco. We love The Pioneer Woman and Britt now has to have a flip flop fold - which was one of the product reviews at bunco. (product reviews are always fun - one time one of the girls brought a hair dye - for your private area. It was HYSTERICAL)
It's been a good family day. We didn't get as much done on my list, but we did mark a few things off. I think we can get more done tomorrow, which is always a good thing. By the time I get all this stuff put where I want it, it will be time to figure out if we are going to buy or find something a bit larger. ha! I am seeing progress in the house, though.
We took Elijah to the movies to go to see Ironman 2. We really enjoyed it.
One of Britt's friends told him about this my fitness pal website and app. It's awesome!! It's a great way to journal what you eat and what you exercise without having to join WW or anything like that. They have an awesome food database with nutritional info.. Awesome. I have to say it's been incredibly easy to use. Now, staying within my daily caloric guideline?? not so easy. I am craving sweet and salty right now and hoping that will pass in the next few days. I stuck some grapes in the freezer earlier today to help with the sweet craving. I haven't been terrible - and everything I have eaten has been good for me, which is a switch.
My friend wants me to get up at 5:45 on Monday and go run/walk with her. It's not the 5:45 that scares me, contrary to popular belief. It's that I don't think I can keep up with her. At this point, I CAN NOT RUN.. I would hurt myself. i wish I could.. but I can't. maybe a few steps.. I gotta start somewhere, right? She already told me not to sit at home this weekend thinking up excuses. She knows me a bit better than I would like!!
One more day of us all being home together before the work week begins. I plan to enjoy it.

To Do List

2010-05-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

I have 17 things on my to do list. I am wondering about something. I have roughly 5 loads of laundry to do tomorrow. Should I change my list to read 21 things or does the five loads still only count as "laundry"? hmm...
Elijah did his blog posting tonight, fresh off of me telling him he was going to have to turn the tv and computer off before too long. We have terrible sleeping habits in our house. I read an article on cnn.com about a man who did an experiment. He stopped using tv, computer, iphone, etc. once the sun started to go down. He went a bit more extreme than I could see myself going. He took out fridge lights and turned off all the lights in his house. Crazy enough by the end of the month he was sleeping more soundly and waking with more energy than he ever had in his life. I figured it was worth a shot in moderation in our own home. So.. tv, computer, and iphone are shut down at 9:00 (except for tonight, because I'm still on the computer and it's 11:33 - I'm the only one up though, so it doesn't really count does it?? he he he) We will get hardcore with it after the weekend. Elijah spends way too much time in front of the tv. (whose fault? I know, I know)
I'm trying to think of a fairly easy class to take online for school next semester. I will have Anatomy and Physiology as well as Literature. I think the two of those will be a bit time consuming so I want something that won't suck the life out of me, but that I might enjoy. Any thoughts? they offer p.e classes. I should take some.

Elijah's Blog

2010-05-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Elijah has started blogging. He is so excited about it! He couldn't wait to get up today and get on the computer so he could blog. His blog is www.elissketchbook.blogspot.com. He's pretty proud of himself.
I went back to the hospital today I Had an ultrasound done on my gallbladder. I don't know if it showed anything. The doctor was supposed to call me but I never heard. I guess we will find out sooner or later. I have so much to do in the next few weeks. I don't have time to have my gallbladder taken out. Seriously. Last year I had a hysterectomy in May. Maybe May will just be surgery month for me. I'm just glad they think it's something minor and not my heart.
I am going to go back to shoe carnival and see if the grandma looking running shoes are still there (Hannah Banana said they were grandma shoes) and if they are, I am going to get them. My friend asked me to start walking, running with her in the mornings and I think I am going to take her up on it. It will be good for me. And she's the kind of friend that will kick my ass if I don't show up!

Heart Hospital

2010-05-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

My life is never boring. I have been having pains in my chest and arm for a few days. Yesterday it got a bit worse so we headed to the ER at Arkansas Heart Hospital. I can't say enough about how wonderful they all were. They put me on a monitor right away, drew labs to look at cardiac enzymes, and gave me nitroglycerine tablets. I guess my body doesn't like nitroglycerine. I had a terrible reaction to it, the ekg went nuts sending me in to a full blown panic attack. This earned me an admission in to the heart hospital. fun times. I met the cardiologist late last evening and he said they were going to go in right away and do an angiogram. They went in my wrist with a catheter and injected a dye into my heart so they could look at the flow. Thankfully everything was clear. I was discharged and sent home right around midnight last night. The doctor said there was no need to keep me there since he really didn't think my pain was cardiac related or life threatening. Smart man. Most doctors would have just kept a patient there since it was so late. I much prefer sleeping in my own bed so I was thankful to go home. Since I was armed with the knowledge that my pain was not a heart attack, (and was under the influence of valium, benadryl and a few other things) I was happy to go home. He really thinks my pain is reflux that could be made a bit worse by gall bladder issues. nice stuff. He said prilosec for 30 days and I go see him again on Tuesday to discuss some of the other labs they ran. Everyone at this hospital was WONDERFUL.
Today is Mother's Day. We got in so late last night so we slept in a bit this morning. About mid morning I noticed that I was developing a rash on my arms.. and it was spreading. I was getting hives all over my arms and legs. I think it was from the dye (had that happen once before from a ct scan) I took benadryl and eventually the hives went away. I had to go back to bed because of the benadryl, but I guess that's not such a bad way to spend Mother's Day.
My family is so wonderful.. I had a really good day today in spite of feeling yucky. My arm is a bit sore where they went in with the catheter and I still have the chest pain. My stress level is much lower since I know it's not my heart.
Scary stuff - thinking you are having a heart attack. Maybe the wake up call I needed.

Go To Sleep!!!!

2010-05-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have three finals to take in the next two days. What am I doing? I'm blogging and messing around on Facebook. Facebook is going to be the death of me if I don't get my addiction under control! Why can't I be addicted to things that are good for me like exercise or getting a good nights sleep? No.. I have to be addicted to crap like diet coke, flour tortillas and the ultimate of time suckers - Facebook.
Elijah started chemo today. It's 11:59 pm and he is still not asleep. He is in his bed and has called for Britt a minimum of three times and me at least four. The last time I had to be firm with him - which sometimes breaks my heart. "Mom, I have something on my mind and I just can't make it go away". "What is it, Elijah?" (I have to admit I said it in a not so caring voice because I recognize his ploy to not go to sleep) "I am just worried that I won't get in to the 4th grade" oh brother. He has tons of homework to catch up on right now and is really struggling with his multiplication facts. I told him earlier this evening, trying to impress how important it was, that he needed to really work hard on all of this stuff so he could pass 3rd grade and move on to 4th. While all of this is true, I simply intended to motivate him not send him in to a tail spin of worry about flunking 3rd grade. Jeesh.
Britt bought a new camera. He's been wanting one for a really long time. We probably needed to spend the money elsewhere but he just passed his test and earned his license that he worked so hard for. We blow too much money on stupid stuff all of the time and this is something he can use for work as well. (Elijah is still sniffling, by the way. I'm waiting for call #5 from his room) The camera is really nice but much like other advanced technology in this house I have no idea how to use it.
The walk this evening was particularly entertaining. I love the city we live in. During my walk I can hear crickets, birds, and frogs but can also hear faint traffic sounds. I find the combination oddly comforting. Baden and I walk this little gravel path that is near our house. It winds through a block in our neighborhood that is sort of wooded. Much to Baden's pleasure, we saw bunnies on our walk today! He was so excited. He acted like a little kid who had just seen Mickey Mouse for the first time. I think for a minute he actually thought I was going to let him off his leash so he could chase after them. "Please, Mom? Oh, please let me chase the bunnies!!!" I laughed out loud at this silly dog. Quite amusing.
Part of me is ready for school to be out for the kids and part of me is dreading it. Elijah needs organization and structure and even though his attendance is sporadic, it does provide him with some of that. I am going to have to get on the ball and get on a better schedule.
Okay. I'm obviously not going to study. I need to go to bed now before the flour tortillas start beckoning from the kitchen. Evil things.

walks continue

2010-05-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

I have continued walking every day. Sadly, I haven't walked as much every day though. I think today I did just under a mile. Time just gets away from me. We bought a bed off craigslist for the kiddos. Britt and Joe went to pick it up this evening so we spent most of the evening setting it up. Thankfully I stuck a pot roast in the crock earlier today so that was all ready for supper. We took a break from setting up the new bed and enjoyed a nice supper together.
The bed is fabulous for our small space! It's a beautiful bunk bed with a full bed on the bottom and a twin on the top. Solid wood - just lovely! I think craigslist is the bomb, by the way. We got the bunks for a steal. The original owners paid nearly $1900 when they bought them, we got them for a small fraction of that. Elijah likes them very much. I feel so bad that Hannah doesn't have her own room anymore, but she is only here one or two nights a week. She says she doesn't mind it, but I think she does. Part of me wishes that we had held out a bit longer and tried to find three bedrooms but the other part of me really feels like this is where we are supposed to be. We love this little condo - and if we can ever get things put away, I think we will be quite happy here.
I need to get new tennis shoes this week. Mine are just worn out. I think I have had them for three years now, if not longer. I know I don't exercise regularly, but I have worn these tennis shoes for at least three Riverfests - that's enough to wear out a pair of shoes easily. I am debating between walking shoes, running shoes, or cross training shoes. I found a pair of Nike's that I really liked today but Hannah told me they looked like "Grandma Shoes".. oh well.

walking the mile... walking the mile...

2010-04-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

I only walked a mile last night. I wanted to walk 1.5 but just didn't have time. I know, I know.. how long can it take to walk a half mile, right? Our schedule was cram packed yesterday. As it was, Britt and I still didn't get to go to bed til after midnight. I promised myself that I would at least walk a mile - and that I did. Maybe I will make up for it and do 1.75 tonight. :) I just have to start earlier. I don't like to walk in the dark by myself so I need to get it done during the daytime hours. Maybe after Elijah is done with physical therapy I can go walk.
So my friends have been sending me recipes, which I love! I am determined to stop eating out and start cooking at home more. The key to doing that successfully is to plan and shop.
I went wild with my eating there for a while. My stress level was really through the roof and that's how I deal with it.. I eat and I bitch. It's how I roll. I feel a bit more in control this week. Of my emotions and my eating.
I am praying that things continue on an even level for a while. I think a break will do all of us so much good. We can handle busy. We can handle crazy busy.. It's just nice to be able to have a bit of normal happy crazy busy, and not scary bad stuff.

Walking, racoons, and trying new recipes.

2010-04-26T22:30:00.001-07:00

Some folks in the condo complex called a "wildlife extraction" specialist to come out and see about the racoon. I suspected that she had babies in the attic space above our condo. The neighbors a few doors down confirmed it. They heard the babies crying and quite a bit of scratching going on in their attic. The wild life specialist came out today and sprayed some sort of chemical in the attic of three of our units. The chemical is supposed to mimic the scent of a really large and really angry racoon. Mama would then think said big mean racoon was going to eat her and quickly relocate her babies. Once they were sure Mama and babies were out, they would repair the hole. We really think she moved them out tonight. We were watching a movie and heard the most awful noise. At first we didn't know what it was, but quickly found out it was these babies crying while she was pulling them out of the hole to take them to their new home. I know they had to go, but it almost made me a bit sad! I'm just thankful they opted for a humane extraction and didn't just kill them - even though I know racoons are not nice. They sure are cool looking though.
I decided that I would take my walking with Baden up a notch. I downloaded a pedometer on my iphone. I thought I already had one, but it wasn't there anymore so I downloaded a new app. I don't like it very much. Last night I walked a tiny bit over a mile with Bay. Tonight I was determined to get up to about a mile and a half. I got about halfway as far as I did last night and Hannah sent me a text message. No big deal. I responded to the text message and kept on walking. I got to the point where I knew I had walked about a mile (because it was the same route from last night) and looked at my phone. It had stopped recording my steps at about the point where Hannah sent me the message! I guess it got confused when the text came in. Not cool! I have a real pedometer someplace. I am hoping I can find it when I get the rest of the house unpacked unless it's in storage.
I didn't try any new recipes tonight. I was going to but E is having some issues with mouthsores so I opted for soft fettucini alfredo - something I knew he would be able to eat. I did splurge and picked up some garlic bread from Silveks. Yum! I am looking for new stuff to fix though, so if you have any good recipes that are family friendly please send them my way.
I have to figure a way to get my walking in tomorrow. I have a meeting in the evening and it will be dark by the time we get home so walking the trail is out of the question. Maybe I will do laps in the sanctuary at church - ha!. I am enjoying the bit of time to myself though and think the walk is really good for me. My goal is to get up to two miles soon and to keep walking every day.
So much coming up.. Hannah is in a pageant this weekend, Riverfest is coming up, School about to be out, yipes. Good things.. All good things.

Moving, cooking & life

2010-04-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

We sold our house and have moved to a condo. I am so thankful to be out from under the home repairs and the obligation of the mortgage! It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know everyone says that you are supposed to buy a house and that renting is just throwing money away. Guess what? A raccoon tore a hole in the roof of our condo. We don't have to fix it. It's not our responsibility to hire a "wildlife removal" person and a roofer to repair the damaged roof and tiles. That makes me smile and makes it all worth it to be "throwing away" money every month. Did I mention that we don't have to rake leaves or mow a yard? The condo has yard people that do that. Sure, we traded in a few things. I can't paint or change anything (not necessarily bad). I have less than half the space I had before. Our big dog went to stay with a friend of our because we don't have a yard for her. (it's really better for her and better for us).. BUT.. we have a pool that's right across from our front door. We have lovely neighbors. It's MUCH quieter here than it was at our old house. I haven't heard a peep from our neighbors through the walls, it's closer to Elijah's school, Britt's office, and the church where I work.. AND it's incredibly quaint, efficient and charming! Did I mention no stairs? Did I mention that I have been walking the dog every day since we moved in? Yep. I am happy with our decision. I loved our house but I am loving this freedom even more.
Elijah is doing really well. He seems to be feeling better than he has in a long time aside from a few aches and pains here and there. He starts PT tomorrow which I am really hoping will help with some of the issues he has with his feet and ankles. They just hurt him nearly all the time. They are weak. I am praying PT will help. His hair is starting to grow back, but per the norm for him it's very blond and very fine so even though we think he has hair, he still looks totally bald. I wish his eyelashes would hurry up and come back. I think his pretty lashes are what I miss the most about him not having hair. I'm just thankful he is still with us. We've seen too many neuroblastoma kids recently that have passed or are not doing well. We are so lucky.
I am starting to cook again and I think I am really enjoying it. Crazy, I think. Since my kitchen is very tiny. I had a pretty large kitchen in my other house and for the most part, stopped cooking right before we moved out. Part of it I blamed on packing and lack of time. Part of it, I think, was that I just didn't want to cook. One of the girls that hosted bunco a couple of months ago used some recipes from The Pioneer Woman Cooks cookbook. I loved the lasagna she made and went to go buy the cookbook. I discovered when looking at the book that she has a blog and pretty much has all of her recipes on the blog. I would much rather look at a free blog than pay for a cookbook! So far I've made three of her recipes. Meatballs, mashed potatoes, and tonight I made chicken parm. The meatballs are now a family favorite and will probably be added to our list of regular meals. The mashed potatoes are rich and creamy (made with half and half AND cream cheese) and while they are wonderful, will have to be an "every once in a while" treat. The chicken parm was good. The chicken was the best part. I didn't much care for my sauce but I think it was my fault and not the recipes. I didn't have decent wine to use and I accidentally got petit diced tomatoes instead of crushed. I really think it made a difference. My boys liked it though. I will just do a little tweaking next time and I am sure it will be awesome. I am looking through her blog now to see what I want to fix next. I watched Julie and Julia the other night and LOVED it.. Maybe I will cook a bunch of Ree Drummond's recipes and blog about it.. but wait.. she already does that - wouldn't I look like an unoriginal ninny. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to pick a few more recipes from her blog to fix, but I would love for friends to recommend recipes to me for me to try. Doesn't have to be super easy, but not uber challenging either. I don't eat veal and I don't eat lamb. I don't typically eat chicken with the bones still in it either. I am pretty much open to all suggestions - so please tell your friends as well.. send me recipes.. good ones... yummy ones... I'm in the mood to cook in my tiny kitchen. I even want an apron that says something catchy about a tiny kitchen.. I will have to look on cafepress for something entertaining.
I've taken my ambien and my words are starting to look as though they are quilted on the page. It's cool, but a definite sign that I need to go to bed soon.

ugh

2010-02-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the board meeting for Candlelighters. I am currently President but gave my resignation a week ago. So far, no one has surfaced to show any interest in the position. This pisses me off to no end. This is a great organization with an amazing purpose. The board is full of many talented but overstretched people.. Okay.. so my question is this: Why don't they resign if they can't commit to help this organization grow? Seriously... Just because it may look good if you ever get in High Profile to say that you serve on a board for a group that helps cancer kids - you are doing NO ONE any favors by staying where you are. I'm not doing anyone any favors by spreading myself so thin.. So I am resigning. tomorrow will be my last board meeting and I am done. I will work with the new officers to get them situated and then I will go back in to my mode of parent helper person, if I can.
It looks like we might have a good offer from a solid buyer on the house. Now waiting for the appraisal, which was delayed because of the weather, to see when we can move in to the contract phase and set up a closing. We are told this could be middle March before it happens. This is actually good with me.. We are going to Philly the end of February and I hated to think that we needed to move right before or the week we returned. Now we at least have a couple of weeks. Huge sigh of relief.
So.. after I scrape Candlelighters off my plate and then find a rental house and get us moved, I'll be searching for more things to eliminate that cause me unnecessary stress. I feel great about this!

Ready

2010-01-21T22:25:00.001-08:00

This time, I think I'm finally ready. I'm serious. I mean it. It's 12:24 in the morning. I am angry and fed up and I'm through playing around with all of this crap. Tomorrow things are different. When I wake up, things will be different. The change will be evident over a bit of time. It's past time though. I'm ready. Bring it!!!

For Sale

2010-01-17T08:53:00.001-08:00

Our house is on the market. "For Sale" sign in the yard and everything. woo hoo! Although I am not excited at the prospect of having to load up our pets and get them out of here so strangers can walk through our house, I am ready to start the process of selling this house and moving on. I will be getting my wish of downsizing in a month or so. I may be regretting it when we are all crammed in to a small three bedroom house someplace!! We have had more room that we needed here, but have grown accustomed to the space. I am hoping that all of our stays in one room at the Ronald McDonald House will have done a bit of good in preparing us for this. Less space to keep clean, less space to heat and cool, less space to have to pay for. I just hope and pray we can find a rental that fits in our budget, will let us have our pets, and is clean and nice. Asking for a lot, huh?
Classes started last week. It seems like right off the bat I have a ton of reading to do. I need to spend my entire afternoon reading. I love to read, so it's not really an issue. I just find that I keep falling asleep while I am reading lately! I guess that's what you do when you get this close to 40! ha ha.
My 40th birthday is in less than 2 weeks. I'd like to have a birthday party simply because I can't remember the last time I had one other than with the kids and Britt. I don't know. Is it selfish to want a birthday party? I mean, I don't want one so bad that I am going to plan it myself and invite folks over or anything.
Elijah is doing really well. He has felt better over the past few days than he has in weeks, I think.
I guess I am going to make up with Jillian Michaels and start the 30 day shred over this evening. ugh. I dread it, but I hate being fat and out of shape.

It's what time already????

2010-01-05T22:04:00.000-08:00

Okay. It seems like we just got home and now it's MIDNIGHT! Seriously?? I don't understand how this happens. Really, I guess I do. We have a million errands to run after work and it ends up not getting us home til 9pm. Then we have things around here to do and before we know it - it's midnight. All I can think of is "oh crap, I have to get up early tomorrow to take Elijah to the dentist". Then I remember how pleasant he is to get up early in the morning. YIPES. Fun day for me tomorrow.
Britt got me a new bucky for Christmas. Bucky makes the "40 blinks mask". It's the best in the world. It's really light and has a shape that creates a seal around your eyes, but has room so that your eyes can move. He got one for me a couple of years ago and I LOVED it. It really makes sleeping in the hospital easier. There are tons of lights - and people who open doors in the middle of the night to let light in - so for someone like me who prefers to sleep in a dark room, this little mask is a life saver. well - I got a new one and I am super excited! I am going to wear it tonight. I just wish I had a snazzy new nightgown to go with it! Hannah gave me some amazing lotion for Chistmas - so my new bucky, my lotion, and a comfortable night gown are about to hit the pillow. All that's missing is an electric blanket and one of those bedtime noise machines that plays ocean sounds. ha ha!

Goals, Not Resolutions

2010-01-03T17:41:00.000-08:00

I can't believe is 2010 already. Wow. Time flies. Hannah said the other day "Mom, for my next birthday, I think I want to sky dive". I calmly replied, "Hannah, you can't sky dive until you are 18". "uh, Mom,I will be 18 on my next birthday." oh crap! How could this happen? How could she be so close to alleged adulthood? Elijah is 9 years old now! It seems like he was just born a couple of years ago!
I wish I could sit here and reflect on how wonderful the past year was. Truth is, it wasn't all that great. It's been a whirlwind of travel between home and Philadelphia. Elijah's disease returned again this year and we have been in heavier battle than I think we ever have. I think this past year of treatment has been harder on him than the first year of chemo was. He's frustrated and irritated. I can't say that I blame him. We've had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil this year. Not just from Elijah's treatment and the search for the right drug, but from some other sources as well. I do think, however, that while it has been challenging and heartbreaking, we've handled things okay. While I say 2009 hasn't been great - it hasn't been all bad either. We have done some pretty amazing things this year. We had a great summer hanging out by the pool. Elijah had a wonderful time at camp. We attended a fabulous conference in Chicago. Elijah was featured in a local magazine, on a Philadelphia news station, in numerous things for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, and in CHOP's annual report. We were able to attend a professional hockey game in Philly. Elijah rode in a limo for his birthday and met Tony Luke, Jr. We've spent lots of time with our dear friends in Philadelphia. We've come to call a major city our second home. Elijah has had the most amazing class for 3rd grade and an awesome cubscout troop. We learned much about our finances and our goals for the future. It's definitely been a year of learning for us - and that's not a bad thing.
I have some goals for 2010. First and foremost is our continued search for the right medicine that will keep Elijah's disease in check and let him be as much of a normal little boy as possible. Second is to finish my associates degree - long overdue. (then maybe I will figure out what to be when I grow up - until then, I am not stressing over it) I want to sell our house and get out from under the pressure of homeownership. I know that sounds crazy, but it's one thing that we can eliminate for now. I would like to actually be able to take a vacation this year. We are gone so much - but all of it is for treatment or is cancer related. I want a weekend away with my husband.. Just one. We haven't done that in what seems like forever. I think before Elijah got sick, actually. That was over 4 years ago. I have many other things I want to do in 2010. Most involve being a better mom and wife. Spending more good quality time with my kids. Less time on facebook. More time with friends. I am working on being more aware - of everything.

up late

2009-12-27T23:15:00.000-08:00

Elijah has gotten back in to the habit of not wanting to be in a room by himself again. If he is in the den, he wants someone with him. If he is upstairs, he wants someone with him. It's 1am and he is still awake. His sleeping habits are horrible and I really don't know how to adjust them. He seems to have so much anxiety. With our other kids, if they were up too late one night, I could just get them up early in the morning and after a full day of being tired, they would go to sleep just fine the next night and things would be back to normal. I just can't bring myself to do that to Elijah. He needs his rest so badly - that I would rather let him sleep in - but then the whole miserable cycle starts back up again. I am praying that we will be done with tpn after tonight -and neupogen shots.. and we can sort of try to have a normal schedule next week. As normal as can be for us, that is.
Britt and I are supposed to go to the Lemon Ball in Philly for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation. The dress if formal. (duh.. it's a ball) I must find real spanx and a decent gown. I have no idea where to even look. A friend found a steal at name brand 1/2 of 1/2. Maybe I will go there and see if they have one size fits texas. part of my dilemma is that I hate shoes. most shoes make my feet hurt. I think, actually, it's my fat self that my poor feet are trying to support that make them hurt , but I would prefer to blame the pain on the shoes. :) So.. over the next week, I need to find a dress, get Britt a tux, get my hair colored and nails done. I may even tan a bit so I won't look like the white tundra.. ha
Okay, so serious question. I am a brunette. I have a lot of facial hair and hair on my arms. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced a method of getting rid of said body hair, or at least making it's appearance not so, how do I say, hairy monkey-ish? I must think about this. I would prefer to look lovely for this gala. I am stuck being fat, so I might as well embrace it and do the best with what I got, right? yep.
Diet research is currently underway. I will give a full report with what I have concluded next week.

Map Maker

2009-12-27T00:06:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I need to employ someone to map out my life for me. I want everything mapped out.
1. Map out how to get my house organized and clean. After that I want a daily, weekly, monthly list of what I need to do in order to keep in clean. For example. Monday, vacuum floors, clean litter box, do 2 loads of laundry,. Day 2.. etc. etc. Tasks to do every day to keep things on track so my house isn't constantly messy.
2. I would like a map for a personal care routine. I am about to be 40 years old. I would like to be told that in the morning, I need to do A, B & C to my skin. I need to do C. to my hair and then d. to put my make up on and look put together. at night, I need to do D, E & F. for maximum pretty impact.
3. I would like someone to map out exactly what I need to eat every day for two weeks so that I can be healthy. I am tired and lazy and fat and haven't the energy to come up with an interesting meal plan to get things started. I can do the work. I just want pointed in the right direction!!!
4. I would like a fitness coach. I am thinking that either Wii fit or Julian Michaels is doing to fit the bill quite nicely on this one - so I have this covered.
5. I need a style map. I need for someone to pick out five outfits that look nice on me and have some style other than "fat librarian" or "challenged kid that lives down the street".. those seem to be my general themes for attire as of late.
Sick of being the fat chick living in a messy house. UGH. I know I have enough other things to worry with, but our lives are getting away from us. How sad is this: We were playing rock band with Elijah. My character is this really cool rocker chick. She has asymetrical hair. It's purple and has a big long white stripe in it. Now.. how sad is it that I have passed the point in my life where i could actually do that and be cool? And get my cartilage pierced? Can I still do that and not be a total dork? I need to get rid of my butt and thighs so i can wear short skirts with tights and boots!!!! I can still be a really good cancer mom and work on being healthy and cute, can't I? I think I can. So.. if anyone wants to map out my other things, including product suggestions, I would appreciate it. I have oily skin - just in case. ha!

Boxing Day

2009-12-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

I am thankful that the stress that goes along with Christmas is over, but am sad that the Holiday is gone now. Britt and I had a really hard time getting in the spirit this year. It was just hard with Elijah being in the hospital until Christmas Eve. We typically do most of our shopping together and weren't able to do that. Christmas Eve dinner was prepared for our family by someone else - which was so nice, but strange. We didn't decorate much this year because we are trying to sell the house and didn't want to drag too much out. It just didn't feel like Christmas. I have to say though, our kids were thoroughly pleased with their gifts. Elijah is rocking out downstairs on Rock Band that Santa brought him. The look on Hannah's face when she opened her gifts was priceless and Britt did an amazing job with gift getting for me. I am spoiled! I didn't do so hot shopping for him this year. They just didn't have anything in the hospital gift shop I thought he would like! ha ha Perhaps I will make it up to him for our anniversary.. hmmmm..
Next year we are going to adopt the "three gift Christmas" policy. In our family we will only get three gifts each. The Baby Jesus only got three gifts.. why should we get more when it's HIS birthday? Just sayin.

Ramblings of a crazy sleep deprived Mom

2009-12-18T07:00:00.001-08:00

I am growing increasingly irritated with other people right now. Not over anything different they are doing or anything negative they have done to me. Just in general. I feel as if my "filter" needs to be changed or it's going to completely stop working. There was a girl working up here on the floor last night. I've never seen her before. She looks to be probably in her 40's - maybe late 40's. Way too much fake tanner and way too much fun with a bump-it. It was almost to the point of comical. How terrible is it of me that I wanted to say something to her??? I wanted to tell her that trying to look like a 20 year old was not attractive. It was terrible.
I came in contact with a woman this week that I think is probably one of the biggest snobs I have ever met. Now.. I am far from wealthy.. I am just a step away from a mobile home park sometimes... but I run in some circles through charity work and other things that put me in the company of some very affluent people. I have a couple of friends that live in houses most of us only dream of. These people are some of the least snobby people in the world. This girl.. ugh.. I really just wanted to look at her and tell her "I think you are an unbelievable snob" but I fear she would take that as a compliment! It's not, my friend. You don't seem to exhibit qualities that I would ever want to have. You are not envied - not by me anyway.
My filter grows weaker and weaker as I get older.
I am turning 40 next month. Part of me wishes I could have a big party.. part of me wishes just a few friends could get together and go to dinner. I don't know. I wish I wasn't fat for my 40th.. but I wish I wasn't fat for anything! ha ha.
Cancer complicates everything in our lives. It's impossible to work or schedule anything. We've been in the hospital for 5 days now. We should be at home so Elijah can enjoy our Christmas tree. He should be in school getting ready for Christmas break with his friends. He shouldn't be worrying if he will be in the hospital for Christmas. I haven't done hardly any Christmas shopping. I could leave in the evening when Britt gets here and go do some of it, but I just really don't like leaving the hospital much. I left for a few hours the other night.. and really enjoyed myself, but when I came back I felt as though I had been gone for too long. I will leave for a bit today and go to work - but just for a bit. We have had friends offer to do Christmas shopping for us, but I wouldn't know what to tell them to get.
I think I might get my realtors license next year. Just to have it. Who knows, I might be able to do something with it. I am sure there are a million realtors in Little Rock struggling to make ends meet - why I would want to do that is crazy. Knowing me, I will probably change my mind in the next week or so.

Hospital Stay

2009-12-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

We are in the hospital with Elijah. I am sitting on my little couch bed wearing my polka dot pajama pants and my purple "Team Katie" shirt. MaryJo is his nurse tonight. It's really good to have a familiar face taking care of Elijah. One that knows him and knows us. Being here this time is a bit strange. We have all of our normal "at the hospital" gear with us. We've been doing this for a while and though we are out of practice, still have our system down. We are the "old timers" around here now but I wonder if some of these people think we are newly diagnosed because we have a bald kiddo and haven't been seen around here much.
The names of the patients are all unfamiliar. I don't know the faces in the hall or the names on the patient dashboard. As the evening winds down I find myself missing my "cancer croanies". Some of them I am so glad they don't have to stay at the hospital anymore. It means they are done with treatment and are living life to the fullest. Some of them I still wish they still had to come up here because it would mean their kids were still with us.
Elijah isn't talking. His mouth hurts too badly. He has a notepad and is writing me notes. One of them said "I might fall asleep". Another said "No writing on my notepad!". I can always count on him making me laugh. The nurses are all saying they can tell he doesn't feel well because he isn't talking to any of them. He feels okay. His mouth just hurts and he is mad because he wants to eat. Ugh.
We are settled. Watching Annie and prepared to hang out for a couple of days. This might get worse before it gets better.

Home Soon

2009-11-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

We are in Philadelphia. I am anxious to go home. I love my kids and my husband, but being in one little room with them for 7 days is a bit much. For all of us, really.
My knees hurt. We have walked A LOT over the past couple of days. I honestly didn't mind the walking, but my knees sure didn't like it. I have had horrible eating habits since we've been here. I must get more active. I am going to start walking my dogs. both of them. They love to go for walks and it will be good for me.
We got carpet in the den.. but the door to the cats bathroom was shut so the cats pooped and peed on the new carpet. Just our luck, huh? Oh well. What can you do? Clean is up and move along.
I am wishing I had the knowledge to become a web designer or new of a job that I could do freelance. This "having a job" thing just isn't working so well. What could I do freelance and still make some money....

Road Block

2009-11-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

I have so much to do, that I don't want to do any of it. Yuck. I just sort of hit this block. I know I have things that I have forgotten to add to my list that I will have to do later - so I need to get everything off my list now.. yuck. Bathe dogs, run errands, clean, laundry, pack.. blech blech blech.
Good news today.. We get our carpet put in on Monday!!! I am so sad we won't be here to see it. I pray (always the pessimist) that it looks okay and that the cats don't puke on it while we are gone!!! YIPES!
Okay. I am going to stop procrastinating. I am going to bathe the dogs. Big one first.. I know, I am brave.

Fabulous

2009-11-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

Today was a wonderful day. We nearly didn't go to church, but decided last minute to go anyway. I am so glad we did. I really enjoyed it and was so thankful that we went.
Cody came to visit today. I know this might not seem like a major thing, but it's the first time that Cody has been to our house since February - so it was kind of a big deal. That's a very long story and one that I am not so sure I will ever blog about. We will just say that we've spent a long time trying to mend fences that were damaged by others and are just now getting things back closer to normal.
We took all three kids to Magic Springs. Today was the last day they would be open this year. The weather was glorious! The sun was shining, the park wasn't crowded, and Elijah was finally tall enough to ride some of the big rides he has been eyeballing for the past two years. He actually rode The Gauntlet - which is their big scary roller coaster that spirals and loops and does crazy things. He and Hannah have this love for crazy roller coasters and dangerous rides - I honestly have no idea where they got it from!
So.. next week will be a week of laundry, trying to get ahead at work, and trying to get things lined out here at home for our trip to Philly next week. I will probably be a nervous wreck toward the end of the week, so I am really going to try to enjoy some peace of mind over the next couple of days. Elijah has scans and bone marrows next week and it always makes me crazy nervous. I think we will have better news this time than we did last time. I feel certain that we will. I just wonder what Dr. Maris is going to say our next step for treatment will need to be. More unknown...

Happy Halloween!!

2009-10-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween. Just about Elijah's favorite time of the year. He just loves getting candy. I think he is an addict.
I am going to try really hard.. I mean really hard.. to be positive today and not be crappy about a few things that are bothering me. I just don't understand people sometimes, so I am going to stop trying. I have to remember that the world doesn't revolve around our family and that other folks have lives too. I mean, I know this.. but sometimes I get my feelings hurt over little things that shouldn't bother me at all. They aren't geared towards me or have anything to do with me - yet I still feel the sting. I guess that's from being paranoid. Oh well.

Stupid Tired

2009-10-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am so tired, I am stupid. I love my bed and am so excited to sleep in it. I know that sounds crazy, but having slept in some really uncomfortable places for the past four + years really makes a gal appreciate the queen size pillow top. Chair beds, couch beds, uncomfortable beds at the Ronald McDonald House, airplanes, etc.. I love my bed. That commercial where the family is all sunburned and they come home and lay face down on their bed?? Have you seen it? That's me.
This has been an incredibly long and tiresome week. Chemo every day for Elijah, work for me and Britt, and painting in the evenings. We decided last night we were going to take a break from it and just relax. Elijah and I were hanging out (on my wonderful bed, as a matter of fact) watching game 2 of the world series - and the den flooded again. This time worse than ever. I think Britt must have vacuumed 50 gallons of water out of there if any. It was terrible - and the rain just kept coming. So there went our night of rest. Britt decided that the water was coming from the crawl space under the house. He purchased a sump pump today and will be putting that in tomorrow. We think (we pray) that will take care of it and we will not have to deal with the creek running through the downstairs ever again. I mean, I am all for water features in the house - but not like this.
I am about to put clean, lavender scented sheets on my bed!! I am, admittedly, all giggly about this!!! Good Night!

and the beat goes on..

2009-10-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

We have been painting the kitchen. If you have ever been in my house, you know that this kitchen had the ugliest and busiest wallpaper in it. It was awful. We successfully removed most of the wallpaper in the rest of the house (and there was a lot) but the paper in the kitchen was stuck pretty good.. and to unfinished sheetrock. This would have meant a lot of work - and a lot of repair to the walls. To make a long story short, we opted to prime and paint over the wallpaper. It looks fabulous!! I am so proud of Britt and how well this project is going so far! I don't have any "in progress" photos, but do have befores and will hopefully have afters in a few days. We are working really hard on getting our close closer to ready to sell. I pray that we can get it fixed up, relax for a month, and then sell it and move. We shall see how that goes.
Elijah is nearly done with chemo for this go around. Three more days and then we get a week off from the hospital - sort of. We have to go to clinic one day next week for labs and an exam. That will be a cake walk compared to the 5 hours a day we have been spending up there. We go to Philadelphia in three weeks. I pray that things are going in the right direction. I have had to write checks for three funerals for little kids for candlelighters in the past two weeks and have attended one. I can't imagine my life without Elijah. I can't imagine him going through the pain and suffering that some of these other children have endured toward the end of their short lives. I don't know how they do it, honestly - the parents. I guess they just do. I don't think I could get out of bed or speak to anyone for a long time, let alone speak at my own child's life celebration or continue to be an activist. Not for a while anyway. I have an extraordinary little boy. He is my best pal and constant companion. I couldn't breath if he weren't with me. I would die if I never again heard "hey mom!" followed by information on some strange creature he just saw on discovery channel. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't leave the hospital without him.
I wish all of this other "life" stuff would just stop and leave us alone for a while so we can be with Elijah and do fun silly things all day long. I want every birthday to be the "BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!" and for Halloween to be the MOST AMAZING EVER.. and for Christmas to be the MOST MAGICAL EVER! I want this for him and for Hannah always. I want the best of memories for my kids. I don't want any "we never got a chance to" or "we should have made time for that" or "we never got around to it" things lingering around. Those are the kinds of things that will bite you in the rear.
Life. It's today. so all this other crap that HAS to be done.. please go smoothly and quickly so that we may move on to more important things. Thanks. Love ya, Mean it, Buh Bye

back again

2009-10-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in forever. Well, I have.. but on Elijah's website, not my own. I wish I could say "well, just not much going on".. but that couldn't be further from the truth. We have had too much going on and not enough time to sit and write things other than my assignments for Sociology and Creative Writing. Yep.. still in school. I really should have sat out this semester, but I need to keep on going if I am ever going to finish. Some of my grades are going to suffer this semester, but oh well. I made the deans list once. I was proud. Now I need to just get it done with. By this summer, I should have a degree. It will just be an associates degree, but I will have a degree, dang it. I am still toying with nursing school, but the way things can change so quickly around here, I am concerned about starting nursing school and not being able to finish. Some schools will allow you to pick up where you left off if it's within a certain amount of time, but others make you start all over again. I have to research that and see what would be best, if that's what I decide to do. Who knows.
My sisters wedding is weekend after next. I am not looking forward to being the fat girl in the wedding party. I don't feel pretty in this dress - I feel like the ugly step sister! ha ha. Oh well.. it should be fun. It will be nice to get away for something other than cancer related stuff. What's this? a happy ocassion in our family? NO WAY!

Falling

2009-08-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

I fell down today. Literally. I was walking Elijah to the pool. The sidewalk is uneven and I am a klutz anyway. I tripped and dove straight down. skinned my palms and knees. I am quite sure it wasn't a pretty site - seeing me tumble. Elijah was a bit shaken - but once he knew I was okay, he was fine. Kids fall all of the time and are just fine, so why did this scare me so badly? I just fell down.. nothing major. I guess because I am older. I am sore now. My shoulders, my left hand, my knees, my pride. At least I was shielded by the trees so no one at the pool saw my little accident. I am sure someone would have laughed. Sadly, I sometimes think it's a bit funny when people take a tumble.. after I know they are okay, that is. Oh well. Guess I should pay attention to where I am going.
The day was actually pretty good. We went to church this morning, which was great. Enjoyed brunch at Shorty Smalls - which we NEVER do anymore.. painted the upstairs hallway, spent an hour at the pool with Elijah, then went to our Financial Peace class.. Wow.. when I type it all in here, it really sounds like an action packed day! Tomorrow begins a busy week.
Prayers for today: rest and peace, healing for Elijah, understanding and courage, financial blessings..

Roller Coaster

2009-08-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Life is really just a big roller coaster, isn't it? Full of ups and downs and scary parts and fun parts.. And just when you think things are smooth and easy sailing, the bottom drops out from under you and you plummet further in to the unknown. Right now I feel as though I don't know what direction I am going in and whats coming up next. I am not enjoying this ride. Crazy thing.. I am not enjoying the ride right now, but I don't want to get off either. I know life isn't supposed to be easy - but I don't think it's fair for it to be this hard either. I am not without hope. I am not without support and love. I am not homeless or jobless. I have my Faith and my Family. Someone wrote the other day that this story is far from over, and there are still great things to be written.. I liked that.

Many Moons

2009-07-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

It feels like a long time since I posted to the blog, but I guess it hasn't been that long. I am overwhelmed with busy stuff right now.. so much so that I want to crawl in to a hole and retreat for a bit - but I can't. I am working at a church, still working at the hospital, and then working this week for my sister. School will start before I know it, then Gallery of Hope will be here - and then my sisters wedding. So.. no rest until it looks like early November. I am not planning a single thing for November!!! I guess I will be giving thanks that July, August, September and October will be over!!! ha ha.
We leave Wednesday evening for Chicago for the Neuroblastoma conference. I am excited and dreading it all in the same sentence. I haven't packed a single thing! I am trying to wrap up as much here on the homefront as possible in the next couple of days. So far, not so good. after working today at the church and then tonight at Coach - I was wiped out.
Okay.. enough wining. I seriously think some things will slow down soon.. Just take a little more planning on my part.. I am getting better at the planning stuff - believe it or not!!

Painful lessons

2009-06-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I have always been the kind of person to avoid problems and situations that I thought were ugly or uncomfortable. My grandmother often says that I live like an ostrich and bury my head in the ground at the first sign of trouble. I would rather just ignore some things that I don't like and pray they just go away. Dealing with money is one of those things. I have never liked to know how much money we had in the bank because that way, I could pretend like we had money.. If I went to the ATM - I NEVER looked at the receipt with the balance on it. I would seriously crumple it up as soon as I pulled it out to avoid seeing the awful truth. I can't tell you how many problems this has caused. We have several married friends who keep their money separate. They have individual accounts and they each pay their respective portions of the household expenses. I could NEVER do this simply because I am horrible with money - I would never be able to keep up with how much I have and how much I owe. Britt would still be left with the burden so why bother having it split? I may be tooting my own horn, but I am proud of the way I am now hitting our budgeting and bill paying head on. It's hard - to look at things that need to be taken care of and figure out the best way to get the job done. Especially when I haven't worked in a while and things are so tight. BUT - we are doing it. I think I am going to love the envelope system and hope to be able to incorporate it in a bunch of different areas once we get things organized and get to a fully working budget. Right now we are using it only for groceries and gas. I can see how it would work for school clothes, pet needs, birthday presents - and so many more things. Dave Ramsey has a program for kids too - I would love to get Elijah and Hannah both started on it now so they won't have to go through 20 years of making mistakes and having a hard time with money like I did.
Financial Peace is a good thing.. I wish I had been smarter years ago and could have worked toward this much sooner. We are trying to get things taken care of that cause stress that we can control - there are too many things that Britt and I deal with that we can't do anything about. Having a bit of control feels really really good.

Weigh Day and Envelopes

2009-06-24T07:31:00.001-07:00

I weighed today. No change. No change in weight is not a bad thing when doing Weight Watchers. The scale didn't go up - and that's a good thing! I look at it this way - it means I can expect a bigger drop next week if I stay on the program and keep up with my journaling. I shouldn't have eaten that cereal before I went to bed last night! ha! The good news is - I went to the grocery store last night and have our meals all planned out for the next seven days.. Lunch included. So that will make things a bit simpler.
On the Dave Ramsey program - we use an envelope system. You figure your budget for each week for food. You take that amount in cash and put it in the envelope.
The money in the envelope is the only money you spend on food - period. That means if you eat out, it comes out of that envelope. If you go to Purple Penguin for a shaved ice - it comes out of that envelope. Thankfully, after buying groceries yesterday for the whole week, I have enough left in my envelope if I need to get anoter gallon of milk, loaf of bread, etc! My goal is to have money left over in the envelope with each paycheck. Even if it's just ten bucks. (It wont happen the first few times).. If we do that, then I want to take the extra and put it in savings. So.. this means I need to start getting creative with my cooking and grocery money! ha

FPU & WW and a bunch of other letters

2009-06-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Britt and I are enrolled in Financial Peace University. It's teaching us Dave Ramsey principles in money management. The class is awesome! It's foundation is Biblical and common sense. Britt and I talk and talk about making positive changes so we can lead a less stress filled life (stress from things we can control, that is). I think this is the first real step we have taken in that direction. We are trying desparately to figure out ways to get rid of debt and get a bit caught up. It will take time, but we are going to get there. We are also doing weight watchers to try and get control of our health. Having Britt as my weight loss partner is one of the smartest things I have ever done. He is the best motivator and coach! He really keeps me in line, which is awesome. I have lost 11 pounds this go around. Tomorrow is weigh day! yipes! We have been pretty good about staying on program. It's just been challenging to come up with dinner ideas for the whole family.
I started a new job yesterday. Part time, working at a church here in town. I am doing their newsletter, updating the website, etc. I think I will like it. It's going to be an adjustment, for sure!
So.. Prayers for today: Britt and I to come up with creative solutions to clearing up our financial stuff so we can be at peace with all of that, for us to continue to do well on WW (big goal is to get B off bp and cholesterol meds), for Elijah's continued healing.. and for our big kids to make wise choices now that they are getting older.

Camp is Over tomorrow

2009-06-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow morning we go pick up Elijah from camp. The H is malfunctioning on my computer and it's really bugging me. I am ready for this whole camp experience to be over!!! It's been quite a challenge.. I have driven to Bald Knob more times in the past 5 days than I EVER care to. Okay.. so I delegated a few things with Gallery of Hope and it made me easier for me.. I also postponed the board meeting because all the info was not available and we had too many folks that would not be in attendance.. THAT relieved a bunch of my stress from this past week - that was replaced with Elijah being unhappy sleeping at camp. He LOVED being there during the day.. just not at night. It was terrible! I felt so guilty for leaving him there at night - even though logically I knew he would be okay. I just think that he has been through so much - why cause him undue stress and unhappiness? I baby him.. I know. He is 8 and should be more independent. I just think he has had to be so independent and brave in other ways so soon, so why push it? I will just be glad when he is home tomorrow.

pouring the guts out

2009-06-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Elijah is away at camp. Hannah is there too. For the past two nights, Elijah has become very emotional at bedtime and has wanted to come home. I am so torn. I want to go get him in the worst way, but I know he is having a good time during the day. It's just at bedtime that he is getting really upset. I am seriously thinking of getting him tomorrow evening and bringing him home for the night, then taking him back in the morning. My heart is aching at the thought of him being so upset. I guess he cried himself to sleep tonight. I can't take that. Would I prefer that Hannah not tell me? No. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to my kids - I don't think it is anyway.
I made the decision a while back to go zero based at work - this means that I basically still work for the hospital but I only work shifts that I sign up for or when they need help. In the past - there have always been plenty of shifts to sign up for so I didn't think it would be a problem to get the hours. My boss even assured me that I would still be able to get the hours. Not so. The well has run dry it seems. There are no extra shifts to be had from now until July and then I only was able to sign up for 16 hours. I am not regretting my decision, but I sure am praying that a solution to my income situation will come along soon. I am really enjoying the time I am getting to spend with my family and still feel this was the right choice though.
I am really second guessing a lot of my decisions lately. I agreed to be president of Candlelighters. A group that I am very proud to be part of and they do great work for families whose kids are battling cancer. What was I thinking? I have soo bitten off more than I can chew with this one. We have a huge fundraiser coming up in a few months that we are ill prepared for. No one has stepped up to agree to chair the project and I don't have the organizational skills to pull it off. I am really worried that it will be a huge flop or I will forget something major. I have a huge heart and a lot of grand ideas - but no organizational skills at all. I don't want this group to suffer because of my lack of skills. I seriously am considering stepping down as president. I have, like many of my friends, overextended myself and am wanting to put my family first. I can't do that when I am stressed out about floral arrangements, art donations, credit card machines, brochures, sponsorship packages, and helping families.. And what is it going to be like when I go back to school in the Fall and so does Elijah?
I wish one of my dearest and most organized friendsin the world still lived close. I would, on bended knee, beg her to chair this project and help me get it on track.
I don't like quitting. It makes me feel guilty and loserish. I agreed to help with a class at church but wasn't able to fulfil my obligation because I just emotionally overextended myself - and we were traveling with Elijah to Philly. I felt awful! I was embarassed to go to church because I thought I had let them down. Why do I agree to do things that I know I shouldn't?
I don't trust many decisions I make any more. Maybe I should take the back seat and let Britt drive the bus for a while.
We are doing some great things though.. Britt and I are attending Financial Peace University to try and get our financial lives in order.. PEACE is the operative word. I have high hopes for that one. We are also doing Weight Watchers - the online program. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he is doing this with me! He is really keeping me on track - and encouraging me - which is what I need. So far it's going well and we are both losing - which is the goal.
Now.. we will one day move along to our house and it's repairs and declutter -
UGH I am so frustrated. I am going to pray that answers come to me tonight or tomorrow for all the things that are troubling me right now. I do have an interview on Wednesday. Is it the job I want? Will it be enough? Will I even get the job?
Prayers needed today, friends.. I need prayer about Candlelighters.. Gallery of Hope.. Elijah at Camp... My work.... Our financial peace quest... our journey to health.. Elijah's continued healing. It's all coming at me at once this week. Deep breath in... deep breath out.

just things

2009-06-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

I am sunburned on my shoulders. I was stupid. No excuse for it. I took Elijah to the pool yesterday and made sure he was covered.. Didn't put it on my self. I am not invincible, as Britt reminded me yesterday. yuck.
It seems like there is so much going on, but not a lot going on. My sister moved in last week. Hannah was home for a couple of days. Elijah is doing great and loving spending time at the pool. I am supposed to go for my two week check up today to see what I am allowed to do now and how I am healing after the hystericalectomy. I am feeling great, aside from a few minor issues. I know I need to get back to work, but I really don't want to. As soon as my doctor says I can though, I will be back at work.

Last Day of School

2009-06-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today is Elijah's last day of 2nd grade! Wow! I can't believe he will be a third grader next year and Hannah will be a Junior! It's crazy. Today I am cleaning in Elijah's room. Boxing up all the toys that he never plays with and trying to get his room pretty much packed up. He doesn't use it anyway.. So I think I am going to move Hannah to Elijah's room and just use Hannah's old room for storage. Elijah takes over the den and sleeps in his bed in our room anyway - so no need for his own room at this point. My sister has moved in with us for a bit before she gets married. I am sure she will spend most of her time with Joe and between here and Dallas so it's not like she will be here much. She is staying in Cody's old room. We actually have a house full now! Wow!!

Junk

2009-06-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am cleaning out junk today and trying to be very careful in the process. I am not supposed to do any lifting or strenuous stuff for like 5 more weeks. I am being gentle and doing things in small steps. My sister is supposed to be coming to stay with us for a while before she gets married - and I am trying to ready the room. Lots of stuff has been stored in there. Home schooling stuff, Britt's study materials, Cody's things, laundry, ironing board. UGH. It's ridiculous how much junk we have!!! Most of it is trash. This cleaning process has to be done throughout the whole house so we can concentrate on repairs to get it on the market by the end of the summer. We have tons of stuff to do. Carpet in the flooded den is first on the list. yuck.
Elijah's last day of school is tomorrow! I am so thankful that he was able to go to school. He is already excited for 3rd grade!

Day 5

2009-05-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

I feel better today. Maybe this is the turning point. I haven't been asleep since I woke up this morning - which is good. I do feel a nap coming on though. I am not as sore as I was yesterday. Good things.. Harry Potter is on.. always good for a napping day.

Healing

2009-05-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. They removed my uterus and one ovary. I hurt. My belly feels as though it's been ripped out from the insides. The good news is, it's temporary and I will heal. The better news is, there was no sign of anything cancerous in the mass they removed from my ovary. My family has been so wonderful and has taken great care of me since I came home from the hospital. I am a lucky woman. I am not used to being the patient at all, so it's been kind of hard. I really thought I would be feeling much better by today.. Maybe tomorrow will be the big turning point.
In the midst of all of this - Elijah's scans continue to be clean - No Evidence of Disease.. Hannah made it through 10th grade and is now a Jr. - and I made the Deans List carrying 13 hours last semester! woo hoo!!!
I am glad summer is here. Time to heal and rest and regroup.
Life is Good.

The Girls

2009-05-08T20:17:00.001-07:00

I had to take the girls to the doctor today. I had my very first ever mamogram. While I can say that it was not fun - it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be either. Sure - they squished them down on the cold machine in ways that shouldn't be repeated. It was not comfortable. I almost laughed when the girl told me to hold my breath. I thought "you have my boob in a vice and you think I am actually breathing right now?" I didn't say it though. It was brief and not so bad. Instead of giving you a gown, they give you a little cape. I actually thought it was kind of cool! I told Britt I felt like "SUPER BOOB WOMAN".. He said I was already super boob woman. I wonder if that was meant to be kinda sexy and cool, or if my husband called me a super boob and got away with it. ha! I guess I will never know because either way, it's kinda funny so I won't question it.
Anyhoo.. All is well with "the girls". I got the "now that you are close to 40, you know you need to come back every year now.." blah blah blah. I know.. I am growing old. I am super boob woman. I will come back when I am ready.

Flood

2009-05-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Our den flooded last night during the storms. Our carpet was soaked. Thankfully, none of the furniture was affected. We ripped the carpet up - it was nasty. Now I have concrete down there. I almost wish that I could get someone to stain the concrete and leave it like that.. but that might be more expensive than carpet, honestly. Carpet is just nasty though. I was so stressed out. Here the den was nasty wet - Britt was coming home early so we could work on it. John was here ready to help. Britt ran out of gas on the way home. Are you kidding me? When he called and talked to Elijah - Elijah said "Mom, dad needs you to bring him the gas can". I SERIOUSLY thought he was joking. Again, another time for me to get back down on my face and thank God for the blessings and put this all back in his hands. Maybe I am being too controlling so he is trying to remind me that no matter how hard I try to control and dictate, it's all out of my hands so I need to give it up to him anyway.
Hannah is doing lifeguard certification this week. I am so proud of her! I never would have had the guts to do that when i was a kid. She amazes me. Now she will be able to work as a lifeguard this summer. What a cool job! I worked at a place called Burgers Plus when I was her age.. and YES - it was a glamorous as it sounds.. :)

The things you learn from facebook.

2009-05-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. Hannah is home. She is looking on her facebook. One of the girls she went to elementary school with has posted on her facebook that she is pregnant. She is 16 years old. Now.. for the most part I would be really concerned, but I think this is the 3rd time that this kid has said she was pregnant. (I think the 1st time was in 4th grade). She has made up so many stories over the years, it's hard to believe anything she says. Hannah is posting on her facebook that she needs to stop lying and get some help. Kids amaze me.

One more weekend to go

2009-05-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

After tomorrow, I will have one more weekend to go at work. I will still be there on Mondays.. but no more weekends. I wish I would have told them this would be my last weekend so I could go to church next Sunday for Mother's Day. Oh well. I am tired today. I have high hopes for my surgery and what it will help. I hope I am not just wishful thinking though. I am pryaing that my energy levels will improve, that I will have a more manageable appetite once my hormones aren't so out of whack. I am also praying that my skin and hair will get a little more close to normal. I wish I could get this done tomorrow - I am having pain and am ready to be done. I know I might change my mind when I am hurting and trying to recover.

Prayer

2009-05-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

I had an email from a friend of mine not long ago. I was having a few dark days - which are not out of the norm for me. I was very worried about Elijah and in the midst of a full on pity party - streamers and all. I have a few friends that are always a comfort, but one that really makes me stop and think about things and put things back in God's hands where they belong. She said something to me that I just can't put out of my head. She talked about times when she would doubt and have dark days like mine.. She said she got down on her face and prayed. Not on her knees - not sitting in her car or trying to find a quiet spot like I do.. but full on, down on the floor face down.. and prayed. Wow. This blows me away. Such total submission to God and his will. I have thought about it and thought about it.. I can't get it out of my head. I want to be able to give it all over to Him. I want to be able to have all this worry and burden lifted from my shoulders. I need to get down on my face and pray for Him to fill the void inside my heart and soul. The void left by the loss of my Mom. The void of not having a father. The void and guilt from being away from Hannah so much. The pain of watching Elijah go through what he does and feeling inadequate to make it better. The guilt of the things I have done and said to my husband over the past ten years out of fear, anger, and frustration. The guilt of projects and promises that I have not followed through with. I am tired of filling this emptiness with the wrong things. (no, I don't do drugs and I am not an alcholic). It's time to be filled with Life. With God. With forgiveness and moving on. It's time to get down on my face and pray...

Home

2009-04-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful to be back home.. Which is ironic because I really want to sell this house and find a new home. We have lived here longer than any house and I really wanted to live here forever, but it's just too big and we need something more manageable. It makes me sad though. Elijah loves this house. It's where we brought him home from both of his transplants. It's the first house we bought.. But I know that's not what makes it home.. It's what we have in it - not stuff, but love and family - that makes it home. We can get that anywhere, right? I sold my dining room set today. We are really trying to downsize and eliminate 'stuff'. It kinda made me sad too.. All the birthday cakes we have shared on that table.. family dinners.. I have no idea why I am getting so sentimental. I have never really liked that dining room set anyway.. It was very country looking.. I am not country.

Near iPhone Death Experience.

2009-04-27T17:57:00.001-07:00

It frightens me how addicted to this lovely little gadget I am. I nearly had a panic attack today when I thought it had died. Granted, I am in Philadelphia with Elijah - and without my husband - so being here without my phone would have been a challenge. But I was really most upset over the fact that my precious iPhone was presumed dead! I just knew that it was going to be because of something I had done and it wouldn't get replaced with another iPhone. How would I facebook when I am not supposed to? How would I discreetly check my email (or not so discreetly at times)?? My pictures!! What would happen to the pictures I had taken on my phone? Thankfully, I looked up some information on the internet and determined that I could restore my phone.. so with Britt's blessing I restored my phone to it's original settings and all was right with my world once again. I don't know what I find more frightening.. the thought of not having it.. or how attached I am to it. It's all good now. whew. crisis over.
We are in Philadelphia right now. Elijah has an appointment Tuesday and Wednesday. I am really torn about what we should do for him now. On one hand the ABT has the potential to keep the disease away. On the other hand, it made him sick as hell. I don't want him to be sick, but even moreso, I don't want the cancer to come back. I am so torn. I shouldn't even stress. Dr. Maris may take the decision out of our hands anyway.
For now.. He is doing wonderfully. He is feeling better every day. He is loving school and he seems happier these days. All that matters is today, right?

Ovaries and Recycling

2009-04-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

So much going on lately, as usual. With the Earth Day celebrations being this week, Elijah has been learning much about the environment and little things we can do to do our part. We purchased reusable tote bags at the store and have been using those. He requested that I pack his sandwich in a reusable plastic container instead of using sandwich bags. This evening we went to Target and we bought cloth napkins instead of using paper towels all the time. I almost didn't get the napkins because they were $8.00 for a pack of four. Elijah said "Mom, I want to move to California when I grow up so I can be a Marine Biologist. If the air isn't any good in California, I won't be able to do that. Just buy the napkins". So I did..
I am about to share some personal and private information. Oh well. Our lives have very much been open books for the last 4 years with Elijah, so I might as well share my stuff too. I went to the Dr. on Tuesday. It would appear that I have a mass in/on my right ovary. The doctor said from the ultrasound it looks like it could either be a blood clot or a tumor. Either way, the ovary and my uterus have to go. I am having a partial hysterectomy in May. If possible they are going to leave me with one ovary so I can still produce my own hormones. It's not like I was using the other parts anyway - so I am not so bothered by losing them. Just incredibly bothered by not knowing what it is at this point. The good news is they did do a ca125 - which is a blood test that looks for a tumor marker that is present in ovarian cancer. It came back perfect. This doesn't mean for sure that the mass ins't malignant - it just means that it's probably not advance stage ovarian cancer. I am praying that it's just a blood clot and they will remove it - my pain will go away, my hormones will level out, and all will be right with the world in 6 short weeks of recovery time. The sun will shine brighter, my skin will clear up, my hair will be gorgeous again - and I will stop raging on my poor husband. I forgot - after the hysto, I should lose about 40 pounds without effort, right? I am trying to see the rainbow at the other end of the robotic arm laproscopic surgery. Hannah said she was certain it wasn't cancer. She said God never gives us more than we can handle and she thinks this family has had more than it's fair share of cancer. Amen to that.

Good Day

2009-04-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I worked, and it wasn't so bad. I left a bit early. Elijah was asked to be an honorary co-captain at the Arkansas Twisters Game tonight! He was invited on the field for the coin toss! It was awesome, but a bit overwhelming for him. He has never had to stand in front of so many people before and he does get a bit of stage fright.. All in all it went great. We watched the game with Britt's parents and really had fun. At least I did.. I think Elijah did too. Poor Britt. It was his birthday and we really didn't get to do much to celebrate him. I guess we will have a belated birthday celebration next week. He has to get his german chocolate cake from Silvek's - our favorite European Bakery. It is the best, really.
Tonight at the game we were able to sit and visit for a few minutes with some of our friends from the old neighborhood. It really makes us miss that part of town. We First we must begin the process of starting repairs on our house so we can list it to sell. It's going to take quite a bit to get it marketable. We will be looking in to creative ways of getting some of the materials and resources we need. A bit of wood flooring for the upstairs hall, kitchen hard wood floor repair, painting the kitchen, some tile work, landscaping.. blech. It's going to be a daunting task, but one that I think will pay off for us in the long wrong. Get us back to the neighborhood we love - near friends - and in a smaller more manageable, affordable and efficient home. OH.. and did I mention in the best school district in Little Rock???
I am tired and have to work tomorrow so I will end this rant. I need to post on the Arkansas Twisters and why I think more families need to come out and support them. Maybe in a few days.

More Travel

2009-04-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we fly off to Philadelphia. Elijah will have a scan on Wednesday and we meet with Dr. Maris. I am praying for some answers. I am praying for a day off. We aren't doing much this trip. We all need some rest. I am going to read and do school work. Elijah is going to play with Bennie. We are going to make this as much of a restful trip as possible because it's what we all need.

We really need a vacation.

It's all about change, right?

2009-03-25T11:53:00.001-07:00

I am wrestling with a decision about work. I think I want to change my employment status from full time to part time. It would mean a decrease in my benefits, but I could still sign up to work just about as many hours as I work now - but with more flexibility. I am really growing tired of working every single weekend and not spending any time with my family. I know we thought this would be for the best, and for a year it has worked well.. Now I miss my kids and doing things with friends. Elijah is getting ready to go to camps and everything.. with my current schedule, I won't be able to drop him off at camp! YUCK! So.. I am praying about this change. I am not feeling 100% sure that this is the right thing for us just yet because we do need income - I will still have to work and there is no guarantee that I will be able to get all the hours I need. I just need more flexibility. So.. tonight and tomorrow I am going to pray about it. I am not going to come to a final decision until we get back from Philadelphia next week. I am sure that God will show me the path He wants me to take. If this is what I am supposed to do, God will make it an easy and evident decision.

Absorption

2009-03-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

I would like to say that I have decided to become self absorbed for a while, but that's not true. I am, however, going to become a bit more talleyfamilyaborsbed, and less interested in the goings on of others. Does that mean that I don't love you and care about what you are doing? Not at all!!! I have so many great friends that are having some of the most awesome experiences in life right now, some great friends who are doing new and fabulous things, and some friends who are experiencing some rough times. All of these have been there for me through everything we have been going through for the past several years and I could not be more thankful for the support and friendship. Support, friendship, and prayers that I will continue to covet. I just have a few things I need to give up for a while. 1. matchmaking. I am giving up the matchmaking business - probably not for good, but at least for Lent and maybe a bit longer. So.. if you are going to ask me to hook you up, that's not in my job description anymore. Besides, I am terrible at it anyway so it would be in your best interest to avoid my services on that realm. 2. Babysitting. I am notorious for offering to babysit when I really can't even get my own crap together. I can't do this for a while. (unless baby Isaac comes to town - then all others better back off cause that baby is mine - that wouldn't be babysitting anyway.) 3. Picking up extra shifts at work. I actually feel kinda bad about this one, because people do from time to time pick up shifts for me. I just can't deal right now. 4. Gossip. I am no longer going to engage in too much gossip. I am incredibly nosy and it really stresses me out until I find out the whole story - so to avoid that stress, I am walking away from that. Again.. I need to insert the disclaimer that not all of this is permanent. I am a creature of habit and I can't give all of this up for too long.. ha! Where was I? oh.. yes. 5. Talking too much about myself and my life. I am going to incorporate a little more privacy in to my life. I will continue to update Elijah's website faithfully - but I am actually tired of hearing myself talk. Really. I am. So quiet time is coming.. Britt, get ready.. don't think there is anything wrong. There isn't. I just need to shut the heck up for a while. 6. Making decisions for other people. (Can you hear my sweet loving husband choking on his glass of milk while he reads that statement?) I know.. Surely those of you who know me are thinking this the impossible. I am saying right now - I am tired of forcing my opinions on those who are perfectly capable of making decisions on their own. These people would probably prefer it this way anyway. Sister, your wedding is your wedding - not mine. Even though I would love to live vicariously through your experience, this is your joyous occasion - not mine. I am sure it will be lovely and I am happy to offer my support and love. I will not, however, tell you how to have your wedding. That is my solemn promise. Husband, oh... what can I say. I am sorry I am such a bossy wife. I admit it. I love you and I know you are a grown man who manages to make it to work each day without me telling you how to drive. I will try to do better and not boss so much. (I said TRY).. Okay.. this is just the beginning though. I need to focus more on my family and living each day rather than focusing on how everyone else is doing.
It's sooo late and I am rambling. Oh well. It's my blog. I am allowed to put whatever I want on here, right?

Late Night

2009-03-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

Elijah has been really sick today. Sicker than I have seen him in a long time. He has thrown up several times and is complaining that his stomach hurts terribly. I hate seeing him so miserable. He has actually slept quite a bit today because of iv nausea meds. Now I am sure he will be restless most of the night tonight. Is it possible for an 8 year old to get his days and nights mixed up? I am praying that he feels better tomorrow. It's crazy, but throughout the whole cancer thing, Elijah hasn't been terribly sick. He has tolerated things very well. His feeling bad today has really reminded us just how fortunate we have been. I worry. I try not to show him too much. These stomach cramps, his legs bothering him.. It's awful for us, really.
All he has had to eat today is ativan, oxycodone, and phenergan. I would be in a coma. He wants to watch a movie.

This one is full of bitching.. beware

2009-03-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

Okay. I am stinking tired. I feel like I haven't had a good night of sleep in over a week and it's killing me! I have had a near constant headache since last Tuesday evening. How is this fair? I have too much to do to have this headache and be suffering from lack of sleep! Maybe that's why I am not sleeping and have a headache.. because I have too much to do.
I have taken to writing down everything that i need to do so I won't forget it. It seems like I am constantly carrying stuff over from one day to the next and adding things to my daily list of things to do. I am going to try to wipe as much off of there as I can today and tomorrow because Thursday and Friday - I am on vacation. That's right.. I may take one of those days and not even leave the house. I will shower, put on clean pajamas, and do NOTHING!!!!
I bring most of this on myself, really and truly. The other day I thought - I need to fill out my financial aid stuff so I can take some classes this summer.. then I thought better of it. No way. I am not taking any classes this summer. I am taking a stinking break from that too. I will start back in the Fall like normal people do. Carrying 13 hours this semester has nearly killed me! I can't believe I ever bitched about being in school full time when I was younger and didn't have kids or a full time job. What the heck? Why didn't I get this done and over with when I was young and full of energy???
Elijah is not feeling great these days. Thankfully today is his last day of his medicine so hopefully tomorrow he will feel better. I am just worried about his weight so much..
Must go. must get busy on the list. (insert cuss word here)

No Time for Blogging

2009-03-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

Okay. I have no time for a big blog entry, but had some stuff to share, so here it goes in this really strange format.

1. I saw Judge Reinhold at Target the other day.
2. When we went to the airport to fly to Philadelphia, the power went out and all the systems went down at the Little Rock airport. When we got to the airport where we were supposed to switch planes, the fire alarm went off in that airport and they had to evacuate because the sprinklers came on. I wondered if we were doomed for tragedy. I was scared, to tell the truth. Elijah thought it was cool.
3. Elijah and I got to play in the snow in Philadelphia this week and met a dog at the ronald mcdonald house that is a cancer survivor. Very cool.
4. This week have I have had several quizes, tons of biology homework, spanish homework, a spanish test and a big essay test in religion. School is kicking my butt.
5. I spoke to a group of nurses about MIBG Treatments at the hospital thursday night. It was nice. I think I like to hear myself talk. Especially when I think I know what I am talking about.
6. We had a candlelighters meeting on FRiday. I think it went okay. We have another one at my house on Tuesday. When am I going to clean???
7. I managed to read a book in the past two weeks. It was good. Mrs. Kimble was the title. Maybe a book review to come soon.
8. Did I mention that I saw Judge Reinhold at Target?

Madame President

2009-02-24T20:02:00.001-08:00

Today I was elected president of the Candlelighters of Central Arkansas. Candlelighters is a group that provides assistance to Families who are dealing with pediatric cancer. It's a wonderful organization that I have been honored to be part of for the past few years and am now Blessed to be the president. I have a lot of good ideas an am hoping that I can do what I need to in order to carry them out. I am going to have to be creative in handling a few of the personalities that are in office though.. I think that's a good way to put it.. creative.
First on my agend is to find a chairperson for Gallery of Hope and get that committee organized. yipes.

anyone want to volunteer?

Not Gonna Do It

2009-02-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

I have made a decision. I am not going to do something that I don't think would be in my best interest in the long run - just to prove a point. I know this makes no sense - it does to me and I guess at this point, that's all that matters, right? I am not going to make my life more dificult just so I can show others that I was right. How does that help me? It doesn't. Is proving that I am right always what is best? I don't think so. I think sometimes doing what's right is better than being right. I am going to do this one my way - because it's better for me and better for the whole situation. Besides, I know I am right anyway.

Next Week

2009-02-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

We are going to Philadelphia on Tuesday to begin Elijah's next phase of treatment. I have a few things that I need to accomplish shortly thereafter for my own peace of mind and in effort to make things better for our family. I am going to write a few of them down so I can keep track..
1. See about getting Elijah in school at Jefferson.
2. Compose an email and some resources for the Candlelighters Cookbook.
3. Work on MIBG presentation for the apon group.
4. Get ahead on school work.
5. Go to WW with Carrie on Saturday
6. Read the book for book club.
7. Find out where my w2 is so we can get our taxes done
8. try to get board meeting for candlelighters set up.

There.. this is just a few things.. I am sure I have more to add.. but wanted to get these down while I was thinking about it.

James Taylor is on tour!!!!

I want to go camping soon.

Just dont get it....

2009-02-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong.. I like Jimmy Buffett. I really really do. I love a good margarita and can sing most of the words to "Cheeseburger in Paradise". I just don't understand the whole Parrothead thing. I don't understand that whole Deadhead thing either and I do not consider myself a "Fanilow". I did, for a great while, have a Dave Matthews Band sticker on my car.. and love me some DMB. We were even members of the fan club for a while... I also love James Taylor and listen to him as much as I possibly can because his music makes me happy, but have never seen the cultish following for JT a I have for some of the others.. But why are Parrotheads like no other group? Why do they gather in groups of other Buffett fans and travel to far off and distant places for these huge festivals o fun to listen to Buffett music and play in plastic swimming pools? I am jealous of their fun, really. Jealous of their enthusiasm! I have tried long and hard to understand why I am no longer capable of being a huge fan of other things.. I have a friend who is a HUGE American Idol fan.. travels to see idol shows, owns paraphanalia, etc.. There is also a grown woman that I have recently met who is obsessed with all things Twighlight and has seen the movie a million times, read all the books, etc. etc.. I just can't get excited about any one thing like that. I watch Idol. I read the Twighlight books.. I can't think of anything that I love that much that I would want to make it a necessary part of my esistence. Does that make me uncool? I am sure to some Parrothead like people, it would.. I guess I could never be part of their club. I would never get a parrothead tattoo.
I know. I will be a Riverfest Fanatic. What could I call that? I guess just a committee member. The tattoo would be cool.

Bipolar much??

2009-02-01T19:24:00.000-08:00

I can't make up my mind what kind of mood to be in today. I think one second I want to be happy for all the strides that Britt and I are making with our financial peace; elated with Elijah's continued healing; happy that both of us have good jobs, cars and a home; pleased with myself for my current weight loss determination and success; and just all around Blessed..
Then there is the dark side of me that wants to just be pissed off. I think I am actually looking for reasons to be angry at SOMETHING today. For example: I think it's ridiculous to repeatedly invite someone to do things with the family only to be turned down over and over again - and then have that person be peeved that they didn't get an invite to ONE THING. I want to be angry about that!!! I really want to be angry about that - but is it worth the negative energy to be angry over something I think is petty? Should I let that suck out my joy and positive attitude of late? No.
I want for people to start owning up to their mistakes and stop blaming other people for what goes wrong and what makes them unhappy. If I don't pay my gas bill, and the gas company shuts off my gas - am I right to be angry with the gas company?? NO! it's not their fault I can't manage my money - it's mine!! (no - the gas company didn't shut off our gas - I am just using that as an example)
My weight gain is not Britt's fault (even though he does bake some really good stuff). My weight gain is not my kids fault - it's not my jobs fault, it's not cancers fault. None of those things controlled the enormous portions of food that I CHOOSE to put in my mouth.. Britt has never tied me down and made me eat chocolate pudding cake. I can't be angry at any of those things because my weight has spiraled out of control. I am the only one that has done this to me - and I am sorry my family has had to suffer the wrath of my unhappiness because of it. At least I can recognize that now. (I can hear the collective sigh and the big "FINALLY!!") I want to be angry about this - but I don't want it to steal my motivation and my pride in how well I have done with my portion control and food choices over the past few weeks. :) I have made huge strides and have reaffirmed that I DO have willpower and I CAN do this.
Okay.. I am stepping off my soapbox now. I just needed to get a few things off my chest. This week is going to be a week of things in the right direction. 10 years of marriage to celebrate - I say that's a big accomplishment in this day and age. I will also be celebrating this week the life of my Mom.. My anniversary is on her birthday. She died 10 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss her terribly. She was an amazingly brilliant, beautiful, funny woman. I will be celebrating Elijah's healing.. and anything else I can think of to celebrate!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-01-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. I am now 39 years old. To me, this means nearly 40. I don't guess it's so bad. I do, however, want to accomplish several things before I hit the big "four oh". I want to be in the best shape of my life by the time I hit 40. I want to also be at my goal weight by then. I am on my way to my goal weight - have I mentioned that I have lost 12 pounds since starting back with WW??? Yep. I went and weighed this evening. 12 pounds down - a bunch more to go.. but 12 pounds is A LOT.. I am proud of that.
I don't have to be done with school, but I do want to have at least applied to nursing school by the time I am 40. Wait - aren't most people supposed to decide what they want to be when they graduate high school? Yeah, right.. I have just done things backwards.
My birthday has been good. We went to dinner - chinese buffet. Went to see a movie with Britt and the kids. We went to see Ink Heart. It was good - but not as good as the book. I like Brenden Fraser, but I am not sure if I would have chosen him to play Mo.. But then again, I don't know who I would have chosen instead either.
Britt and Elijah are baking me a cake and it smells really good! No.. it's not a WW cake nor is it low fat or healthy in any way. It's my favorite - yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I am going to enjoy a large piece and a big glass of milk.. Afterall, it is my birthday and the last year of my thirties.. I am going to enjoy it.
Peace

25 Things

2009-01-27T11:57:00.000-08:00

Several people have posted a random 25 things about me sort of thing on facebook recently. I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I don't know that I could come up with 25 things that I would really want to share with just anyone. Maybe my closest friends.. maybe Britt or my sister, but don't they know everything they need to know about me? Would any of my "25 things" come as a shock to them? Maybe to my sister.. but not to Britt.. I don't think.

1. When I read a book, I skip over words like if, and, but and the... I finish books really quickly.
2. I like to cook - but don't like the prep work or cleaning up.
3. I used to like to iron clothes. Now it's a pain in the rear.
4. I say the word "shit" way too much.
5. I am petrified of my car going off a bridge and landing in the river. I want one of those little tools that breaks glass out of the car so I can make a speedy escape.
6. I have very strange dreams nearly every night.
7. I want to be a nurse, but am petrified I won't be good at it.
8. I have a tattoo and would someday like to get another one.
9. I only have 9 things on this stupid list and am struggling trying to come up with more stuff.
10. I am a hypochondriac.
11. My husband makes me laugh everyday
12. Sometimes I really hate the fact that my daughter is so much like my exhusband
13. I hate hominy and english peas
14. If I could go anywhere in the world, I would want to go to Ireland.
15. I think it's neurotic that one day I think I need to be a tree hugging hippy and the next day I want to be a soccer mom and the day after that, I want to be a sports nut.. but the next day, I want to be a couch potato. I am just thankful I don't ever want to be a redneck again.
16. The first concert I went to without my mom was Adam Ant.
17. Sometimes I think I am really good at offering advice to other people
18. I used to want to be an English teacher.
19. I sleep with three pillows.. sometimes four if I can steal Britt's
20. I think my children are brilliant
21. I think my husband is brilliant
22. I think that if childhood cancer got half the support that breast cancer does, there would be more effective treatment and better chances for a cure. It makes me not want to buy anything "pink".
23. I wish I had more close friends
24. I used to collect unicorns.. ha ha ha
25. My dream car would be an old volvo, saab or mercedes..

Stress Week Coming Up...

2009-01-16T19:35:00.000-08:00

Elijah has scans next week. It's always very stressful for us when he has scans. We don't really know what to expect. It could go either way at this point even though we expect his scans to be good. Cancer never really does what you expect it to, does it? His last scans were NORMAL.. First normal scan he has had since he was in Kindergarten. He has had another MIBG treatment since then too. We have several options for Elijah's continued treatment - we just don't know what option will be best until we get his test results. It feels really good to know we have options though.
I start my work week tomorrow - ugh. I wish I didn't work this weekend.. I have too many other things I would rather be doing!! ha ha. Working on weekends has it's advantages but it's beginning to get old. It is for the best right now though.. I know that for sure.
School starts back up for me on Monday. So.. next week, school, scans, appointments, etc.. Pray for me!

Disbelief

2009-01-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that I have been battling with my weight for years. I have joined Weight Watchers a million and one times but still hold fast to the belief that it's the best program for me personally. It's the best program for me as long as I stick to it, that is! I once again took the plunge and joined WW last week with my friend C. I mean, my sister is getting married, Riverfest is coming up in a few short months, my knees are screaming at me on a daily basis to shed these excess pounds, and I really want to get in shape before I turn 40. This is the perfect time, right?
I went today for my first weekly weigh in after starting the program last Tuesday.
I wore the same pants I wore last week and a similar shirt.
I weighed at the same time I did last week.
I have stuck to the program with determination.
I stepped on the scale.
It said I lost 11 pounds.
11 pounds??? What the hell? Is that even possible to lose 11 pounds in one week? Is that healthy? I questioned the lady who weighed me.. She assured me that it was accurate and reminded me that my weight loss each week would not be as amazing as my astonishing 11 pounds. I will not expect it for sure.. I didn't expect it this week. I know that sometimes the first week on any program, you will lose more because you lose a lot of fluid you are retaining - but seriously!! Was I THAT bloated?
Wow.
I will say that it invigorated me - I will stick with this program in the hopes that my weigh in next week will show me still moving in the right direction. I will continue to drink lots of water, practice sensible portion control, and make good food choices.
Some of the girls I go to WW with joked that we will all be wearing leather pants by next New Years.. ha ha ha! I have never worn leather pants in my life, but this would be really funny..

Unsubscribe Me!

2009-01-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

So this morning I spent a great amount of time going through my email inbox and unsubscribing to all the useless junkmail that I don't ever read. I love HGTV, but rarely read the emails they send me. Same goes for Victorias Secret and Lillian Vernon. I think I unsubscribed to at least 13 things. Hopefully my inbox will get much smaller and less active.
My husband gave me my birthday present last night. I am now a member of the elite "I have an iPhone club".. I am so excited! Our contract is up with our current carrier and we wanted to switch, so this was my excuse to get the phone.. (Can you see my grin????)
Hannah is on homecoming court for her school and the game is tonight. I will be up there today helping her get ready. I guess I will have to see if I can channel the old "dance recital mom" in me.. ha ha.
I pray next week is quiet. I would love to have a day where I don't have errands to run and appointments to get to.

Thoughts and Ideas

2009-01-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

We are determined that 2009 is going to be the best ever for the Talley house. Ideas are running through my head like crazy on how to make it the best. I want to redo Elijah's bedroom so he will sleep in there. I want to do it super cool so he will be so proud of it and so comfortable in there too. He still has his love for sharks so I am thinking either a Sea Captain sort of thing with his shark stuff and ocean stuff - or a Surfer Dude kind of thing and incorporate the shark stuff through that.. Have his headboard be a "surfboard" with a shark bite out of it.. ha ha. I am also trying to think if Britt and I can make it with one vehicle. Two car payments is really not fun. Perhaps we could trade both of them in and get one car.. then save up to pay cash for another car in the near future. I think it might be doable if we could work the trade in of the two cars out.. hmmmmm..
We raked leaves today.. Man, did we ever rake leaves!!! I swear we have thirty bags piled up outside. The front yard looks much much better. I want some of the little lights that are solar powered for the flowerbed and I want some plants too - maybe plants that i could keep alive. ha ha.
I have made a list of home repairs that we need to do - large and small. My goal is to tackle at least one of the things on the list each month. I think that is doable. :)
We had some great friends over on New Years Eve and had a lovely evening. It was nice to ring in the Year of Hope with friends that have been through so much with us. That's what 2009 is for us.. The year of hope. :)
A few things I pray for for this year:
1. Elijah not to have to deal with cancer
2. Financial Peace - or closer to it
3. A real vacation - full of rest and family time
4. Health improvements for me and Britt

Blogging

2008-12-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like I haven't blogged in a long time, but it really hasn't been that long. Christmas was very nice. I am really going to work this year on making Christmas less stressful for our family next year. Hannah had to run all over the place, so did my sister. It's ridiculous. Elijah and I didn't go to Britt's parents because Elijah ended up in the hospital. I missed it but was thankful that I didn't go there and overeat like I normally do.
My birthday is coming up. 39. wow. After my birthday is mine and Britt's 10th wedding anniversary. I wish we could do something special.
I am growing tired of working every weekend, but I still know that it's for the best with Elijah's treatment. I make no money and I would just like to do stuff on weekends.. go camping, see a movie, just hang out at home. I am having some pity party moments these days and really missing my mom to boot. I don't know that it would be any better if I worked MOnday through Friday from 8 to 5. It would probably be worse. I just miss making decent money. I really need to rethink the way I do a lot of things. I seem to always say that, don't I? I guess I should listen to myself once and for all.

Next Christmas

2008-12-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

I think next Christmas I will not buy presents for anyone but my children. We cut things down this year - not doing a gift exchange with adults on Britt's side. I am just tired of stressing over what to get folks. Now I have everyone else taken care of, but my own kids!!! How crazy is that?
I want the kids to know more about Christmas rather than just wonder what they are going to get that's wrapped under the tree. I wish that one year we could go away and stay in a cabin - just the family.. Or enjoy the day at the beach. Seeing the true beauty of this world that God has created for us.
My birthday is coming up next month. I would like to have a dinner party for my birthday. Potluck, lots of friends, no presents. Donations to my favorite charities instead of gifts.
We are kitty sitting this weekend. Our sweet little friend Helen is getting some kittens for Christmas and Santa asked if they could stay at our house until it's time for them to be delivered. I guess it's too cold for kitties in the North Pole right now. :) They are really sweet. Our older cat has no interest in them, Dude, Elijah's cat, is following them everywhere. They are so playful! Elijah is enjoying having them here.
Tomorrow I go back to work. I have enjoyed being off even though we have been so very busy.
My friend Susan tried to sum up the past year in 30 words.. I don't know that I could do the same, but I will try.

2008
Hannah Sweet 16!, New hope for Elijah, new job, Chicago, Philadelphia, New Friends, missing old ones, Britt loves his job, read good books, lots of sorrow and joy, facebook addiction.

ha!

Home Sweet Home

2008-12-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

I really like Philadelphia. I love being in the city, riding the train, seeing all the sites and different people walking about. I love all the history in Philadelphia - being in places where the foundation of our country was formed. We went to the most wonderful cafe last night. Naked Chocolate Cafe. Wow. Britt and I both had "sipping chocolate".. It was in a tiny teacup and served with whipped cream on the side. It was LOVELY. It was right next to our hotel that we stayed in after Elijah was discharged. We love our friends that live there and so enjoyed getting to spend time with them.
I like a lot of things about the city - but for everything I like, there are things that I do not like. I do not like the smell - it smells of urine and exhaust all over the place. I do not like the trash. For some reason people dump their trash along the train tracks and they are lined with garbage. It looks nasty. It's not a very safe place to be either.
I am glad we are home. I miss our pets and our bed. I missed our friends and our family. I have been excited to get home and get our Christmas decorations up and get Holiday shopping done. It's hard to come home and realize that you have to get back to the normal day to day business of life - but it still feels great to be here.

Suckish

2008-12-04T22:03:00.001-08:00

I was sitting here thinking to myself while my lips are burning how suckish chapped lips are, but then I got to think about it in the whole grand scheme of things and decided that I will take chapped lips any day over some of the things that we have been dealing with over the past several years. Elijah's lips have been so chapped before that they molted, cracked and bled. Yuck. My chapped lips are nothing.
We receive the best news today. Elijah had an MIBG scan and it came back NORMAL.
We haven't heard that with regard to a scan since he was in Kindergarten before he relapsed. It was almost surreal, to tell the truth. It was like a sort of validation. What we are doing is working. The treatment we have researched and chosen for him really was the best thing. I prayed and prayed before his scan. I asked God to please let him have improved or stable disease so he could continue with his treatment. To have no disease show up on this scan was nothing short of God's Miracle in my opinion. Don't get me wrong.. He is far from out of the woods and truth be told he will be dealing with this disease for the rest of his life unless they come up with a cure. It's just a huge gigantic step in the right direction - the direction of keeping him healthy and with us for many years. Sigh.. Can you hear the relief in my typing?
Hannah passed her drivers test. It's more frightening than I can describe - to know that she will be out driving by herself very soon.
We leave on Sunday. I am hoping that it won't be as hard on Elijah as it was before. I am looking forward to being back in Philadelphia and seeing our friends again. Hannah will be with us this time and it will be a good opportunity for she and I to spend some time together. Much of the time in Philly Britt or I were alone because the other had to be with Elijah. Now Hannah will be there to keep us company. I think it will be good.
I guess I need to go to bed. Tomorrow will prove to be another busy day - this week has been crazy busy but I would go through tons more just like it to get the news we got today. I am grateful.