Last night's entry was written at 2am. I couldn't sleep. I was homesick and sad. I needed to vent. I feel somewhat better today, or I did until I talked to my husband. He brought something to my attention that I hadn't really thought of until today. When people ask how long we've been here, I've been saying "Oh, a few weeks". Britt told me today that he looked on the calendar. This Saturday E and I will have been away from home for FIVE WEEKS. That's just insane. I'm so thankful that Hannah and Britt were able to come up here, even if it was just for a few days. By the time we get home, we will have been here for over 7 weeks. I wish I could say that when we get home, I'm never going to leave again, but the fact is that we will only be home for a couple of weeks and then we get to turn around and come back. At least the next trip won't be for as long if scans go well. We should be able to scan, get results and his meds, and head back home. I pray that's what we can do.
So about the boredom thing.. I have a couple of friends that must have been reading my mind and knew that I was about out of my gourd with boredom. A dear friends husband is in the theater business and knows some of the theater peeps up here in The City of Brotherly Love. He made a phone call and got Elijah and I a couple of comped tickets to see a show. We are thrilled! Another friend contacted a few of Elijah's friends parents and they are working on a surprise for him to send us someplace for a fun day trip. The trip is something that Britt and I had talked about doing all together, but we can't ever seem to get it going when we actually have a bit of free time up here. I will hate going without him, but enjoy the opportunity for Elijah and the distraction for me.
I received the most wonderful compliment today. Someone that I highly regard said that she hoped that one day she could be as amazing as a mom as I am. Wow. It doesn't get better than that, does it? I sometimes get really down on myself because I haven't been able to finish school and I don't have a career. Then I receive a compliment like this and it puts things in to perspective for me. I don't want to be remembered for my education or my career choice. I think it's a much greater honor to be considered a fantastic mother and a good wife. I'd rather have a successful marriage than a successful career. I don't want my kids to ever doubt that they are loved and are both amazing human beings. Wow. God must have really thought I had it in me to do something special when he blessed me with these two over the top fantastic kids. If I was given a catalog and told to order whichever daughter I wanted, I would have looked it over and said.. "Oh! I like that one with the gorgeous green eyes and brown hair just like mine. Toss in a fabulous sense of humor. Give her a dash of humility and heart that loves God and wants to make the world a better place. Oh.. If she could have a sense of adventure, I think I'd like that. The fact that she's stunningly gorgeous was just an added bonus. Respectful. Oh yes, she must be respectful. Funny thing is, all those things I would have picked in a catalog are my Hannah. She is simply amazing and I'm proud to think that I had something to do with just how amazing she is.
Then there's Elijah. Oh, lawd, is there Elijah. This kid is a 27 year old in a 12 year old's body minus being gaga over girls. He is the smarted 12 year old I've ever ever been around. We go to movies together and have discussions that I might not even have with some of my adult friends. The theories that he comes up with, ideas that he has, things he imagines and the things he paints and draws - It's astonishing. And this kid's sense of humor is out of this world. You have to be really careful because sometimes he's saying something witty and you won't quite catch it. He is wonderfully talented and smart and private. I'm the one that blabs all of his life on the internet. I just want others to be touched by his story and to know how great he is. Because he is great.
Okay. I'm rambling again. Sleepy drug is kicking in so I must retire. I don't think anyone reads this blog, but if you do.... What would you like to talk about tomorrow? I'm open for suggestions.
A bit better
Homesick
I try to maintain a positive attitude on Elijah's website. I try to keep things fairly light hearted and not whine.
I need to whine. This is my blog and I can do that, right?
Here goes.
I miss my husband. I miss sleeping next to him every night and waking up with him in the morning. I miss the fact that he kisses me every morning before he goes to work and every night before we go to bed. I miss him walking up behind me and wrapping his arms around me. I miss the smell of him. I miss the calm that he brings to me and my high strung tendencies. He is my other half and I feel a bit lost without him by my side.
I miss my daughter. I am blessed to have a very affectionate girl. I miss her hugs every day. I miss our little jokes about books or movies that only we understand. I miss seeing her beautiful smile and hearing her come down the stairs in the morning. I miss her climbing in to bed with me in the mornings so we can talk. She's such a beautiful soul and I ache for her.
I miss my house. I know some people would say that it's just a rent house - but I love it, truly. I feel more "at home" there than I ever have in any house we've lived in. It suits us. It's my safe haven.
I miss privacy. Oh, how I miss privacy. Living communally is NOT easy. We eat in a common dining room with all of the other families. I shower in a shared bath (the shower room locks). Elijah and I are in the same room 24/7. When his friends call, I try to let him have some time to himself and I go do laundry or read downstairs. I am thankful that we have this wonderful place to live while we are here and we are comfortable here. We always have been. I just miss home.
I miss my friends. I feel like I haven't talked to them much since I've been here, and didn't see them hardly at all the 10 days that I was at home. I have great friends and am so thankful for them.
I miss the convenience of having a car. Granted, I know it's a luxury to have a car - but it's a convenience I've grown accustomed to and am missing it.
I miss the rest of our family. Even though we don't see each other as often as we should, it's nice to know that they are just up the road a bit if we need them or have something funny to share.
So there you have it. My big whine. I am homesick. I know I am where I need to be and we really are fine. I'm not crying all the time like I thought I would. I've settled in, I guess. We will be here as long as we need to be for Elijah. It's the quest to get him well. I know I have a purpose and that's to take care of this boy who I love more than words could ever accurately describe. I'm glad I'm here with him. He makes me laugh constantly. Even though he's not as generous with his hugs as his sister, I still manage to squeeze at least one out of him every day. I treasure every day with him and while I miss home so very much - I am thankful to be his mom and help him walk this portion of this journey.
Alone
We are in Philly. Britt just left today to head back home. Even though Elijah and I are in one room together and will be for the next 3 weeks, I still feel alone. Elijah has his friends that he facetimes with and plays minecraft with. I'll miss Britt being here so I will have an adult to talk to about something other than cancer.
When you are here at "The Ronald" it's all about your story. It's kind of like what I would imagine prison would be like. "So.. whatcha in for?" I'm thankful to be here though. We are comfortable and it feels almost like home.
I had my doctor increase my dose on one of my meds. I just felt like I would need it being up here for so long. So far so good with it. I've noticed an increase in some twitching but nothing unbearable. I'm hoping it will subside with a bit of time. I do feel a bit emotionless though. I didn't get upset about Elijah's scans being different. I guess because I feel like his disease burden is about the same and we just needed to switch gears. I felt like I was going to cry when Britt left today, but I didn't - which is odd for me. I don't want to be numb, but I need to be able to get out of bed and function too. Sometimes it's hard to determine which is worse.
The uncontrollable eating is about to come to a screeching halt. I'm just not going to do it anymore. I've told myself that I'm going to eat whatever I want tonight - and make sensible choices at meal times, but eating when I'm not hungry and just because it's there is no longer an option. It's hard here though. There are always cookies and cupcakes in the kitchen. Temptation sucks!
Depression & Anxiety
Depression and anxiety both play such a major part of my existence. I've been wanting to write about it for a while, but just couldn't bare to get started. It's one of the ugliest things in my life and has been for a very long time.
I think I was 10 years old the first time I saw a psychiatrist. I have had relationships ruined, jobs lost, goals never achieved, weight gained, weight lost, cystic acne, hair loss, irritable bowel syndrome, insomnia, stress tension headaches, panic attacks, missed opportunities and so many disappointments - all because of depression, general anxiety disorder, and the insecurity that goes along with both.
Over the past 30 years I have taken prozac, paxil, zoloft, effexor, celexa, lexapro, trazadone, amitriptyline, and wellbutrin. I am currently taking celexa and wellbutrin. I have had countless therapy sessions. I own enough self-help books to open my own bookstore. (self help and diet books - I think there's a correlation) In all honesty, I should be in therapy now but I just don't have time. Before you say "you need to make time" you have to understand my situation. I have a child with cancer. We spend half of our time out of state for treatment. The time I am at home is spent trying to catch up enough to get ready for the next trip. There is no regularity to my schedule. Since I don't have time to go to therapy, my blog will be my therapy for a while. Sorry. This is for me. Not you - so it won't be sugar-coated. It won't be pretty. It may not make sense half the time, but I need to get some of this out.
I've been having a hard time lately. A really hard time. I think my meds are doing okay, but most days I just don't have the will to get out of bed. I can imagine how hard that is for my husband and my kids. They just think I'm lazy. I don't want my kids to think of me as always being in my bed. That's how my mom was. I want to be the mom that is involved with my kids and active. It shouldn't be that my husband is shocked when he comes home and I'm dressed and have make up on and the house is clean. He should be shocked if I'm still in pj's and the house is a wreck. Sadly, he's been used to the latter.
Because I've recognized that I'm in a bad place, I've decided to practice something that a therapist told me years ago. "Fake It Til You Feel It". I don't fake my feelings for my family - ever. But I have been forcing myself to get up at a specific time, make my bed so I'm not as tempted to crawl back in it, shower and get dressed first thing, and come up with a schedule for my day with Elijah. It helps both of us to be on a schedule even if it is a flexible one. (with cancer you have to be flexible). I think it works to a degree. I'm a bit more confident with my appearance, feel more confident in my parenting skills, and definitely feel as though I am making strides to be a better wife.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a great mom. I love my kids and have a great relationship with them. I make sure they have what they need. Make sure they get to their appointments and do their school work. I have a schedule for Elijah's medication that he takes 3 times a day. I tell my children that I love them several times a day. They know that I am proud of them. I homeschool Elijah and I read to him every night. I have long, deep conversations with Hannah on a regular basis. My children are both bright, funny, talented and active. I'm doing something right. It's just a struggle. I have calendars and lists everywhere because I am very forgetful. Britt sometimes has to tell me things several times. It's frustrating.
I'm also a good wife. I love my husband with all of my heart. I am loyal and faithful to him. I am proud of him and tell him that regularly. I pray for him every day. We rarely fight or argue. He makes me laugh every day, in spite of my illness. For so many years he took my "not being happy" personally. I think he still does to a point. I am so happy with him, though. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He is my true soulmate. It's hard for a man to understand that his wife is unhappy and she really means it when she says she just doesn't know why.
I've gone through periods of destructive behavior. Never drugs or hurting myself or anything like that. Just other things. Now my mode of personal destruction is compulsive emotional eating. I'll be looking for self help books on emotional eating this week. Suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.
I've been through some shit in my life. A lot of shit, actually. It's quite amazing that I'm as functioning and normal as I am. I guess it's because I have to be. I guess my hatred for cancer and my love for my family are stronger than this bit of mental illness that I constantly wrestle with.
It's 2:19 am. I took sonata 3 hours ago. Sometimes I really miss ambien.
Resolution Journal
I love my friend, Kelly. She has the best ideas and always seems to bring out the best in me. Or at least she helps me to feel like she brings out the best in me.. whatever. It's my perception that matters in this instance anyway, right? Kelly and I always seem to be on the same road to self improvement and trying to find more ways to be happy and make our lives better. Today I went over to her house and we made these little resolution journals. Super cute! I'm excited about mine. I put my five major resolutions in the journal and I think it will help me to remember what I would like to accomplish. I thought I would share them on my blog as well. Not that many read it, but it's another way for me to commit. I'm all about accountability these days.
I decided not to do the typical "lose weight, drink more water, exercise, etc. etc." resolutions. Some of mine are simple. Some of them are complicated and more in depth. I guess that's how I'm rolling these days.
#1
In 2012 I resolve to make weekly menus for my family and to grocery shop from that menu. It will save time and money. My goal is to have 5 meals planned weekly.
#2
I resolve to make time for myself in the mornings to pray,, meditate, and take better care of myself. I am going to participate in the Hello Mornings Challenge to help me on my way and to have accountability for sticking to this resolution.
#3
I resolve to try harder to simplify my life by removing clutter and developing some organizational tactics to make things easier.
#4
I resolve to keep the front of my house clean so it will always be fairly presentable for company to arrive unexpectedly.
#5
In 2012 I resolve to engage in activities that promote happiness, peace and well being. More time with Britt and the kids, more time with my dear friends and family, exercise, eating for health, and having some fun. I'd like a real vacation, dates with my pals, to develop some hobbies and just take pride in what I do.
So there it is.. My resolutions in a nutshell. I think if I can stick to these - general though they may be, I will be doing pretty dang good. I have some goals I would like to accomplish, but those are goals - not resolutions. Goals are what I need to reach in order to keep my resolutions.
But Which Ones????
I'm going to take 5 things off my bucket list... and I'm gonna do em! That's right.. 5 things. Now.. which ones should I do???? hmmmmmmm suggestions?
Randomness
Over the years I've filled out several of the little "getting to know you" emails and facebook questionnaires. I don't think they ever serve to really let anyone know anything shocking or terribly interesting. What I'm going to write in here probably won't be too interesting either, but what the heck? I've already taken my Ambien; I can write whatever I want. Have you seen the girl on Glee who says she has Asberger's just so she can blame random outbursts on her mild autism? I love that. I have now decided that my blog entries are AITS: Ambien Induced Turret's Syndrome. So here are some random and not very interesting things about me.
I used to collect unicorns. Lots of them. My grandmother asked me just a few weeks ago what happened to my unicorn collection and she seemed a bit shocked that I no longer had them. I have no idea when I got rid of them or what I did with all of them. I pray that they all have nice homes now.
When I was a young teenager, I listed to Ska, punk and rockabilly music. I listened to the B-52s waaaaaaayyyy before Love Shack came out.
I am an ex-smoker. I was never a heavy smoker, but it was a nasty habit just the same. I haven't had a cigarette in about 12 years. I honestly don't ever miss it either. It's pretty disgusting.
I like all vegetables but hominy and english peas. Those are just gross. I don't eat lamb or veal. Lamb is my choice because I just can't get past the thought of it. Veal is kinda the same, but more because in the Army they served nasty veal every single day and I think it's gross. I know I shouldn't compare Army food to normal food, but that's my reasoning.
I have been thinking that I'm going to start secretly planting little tidbits of information in my blog so I can see if my sister has been reading it or not. Passive aggressive, party of one? Yeah, that's me.
I once fell into my neighbor's recycle bin while rollerblading down my street. It was quite comical. My entire family got a huge kick out of it.
I get pissed off when people talk about not wanting to be around their kids, but then I think that in most cases I don't want to be around their kids either. (I said most, so that means not all. If you are reading this than I definitely am not writing about your kids)
Okay.. ambien is kicking in full force now. I need to sleep before I start talking about alien abductions. I'll save that for another day.
Conflicted
I've decided that I want to become really good at something. Anything. Well, anything other than bitching and whining. I am REALLY good at bitching and whining. So what could I master? I am thinking I would like for it to be something that would actually be of benefit to me or my family somehow. I can't sing. I can't play an instrument. I don't speak any foreign languages (other than Pig Latin, in which I am fluent) and I'm not good at sports. Most people I know are really good at at least one thing. I can't figure out what my one thing is. I'm going to find something, learn it, and become really good at it.
My husband is wishing it would be like, housekeeping or budgeting. Ha!
I need a career. I'm tired of just having a job. I'm frustrated and unqualified for most things that I would love to do because I've been doing what I am able to just to get by. It's time to branch out, friends.. Learn a trade, get me some mad skills other than my already mad ninja typing skills (and Pig Latin)
What a Monday!!
At the request of my darling daughter, I prepared a meatloaf for dinner. I figured it was the least I could do since she picked Elijah up from school and then had to come get me because my car had a flat. Don't I have a spare, you ask? No. The tire that was on the car was the spare. The other tire is flat and happily resting in the trunk of my car. Nice way to end the day, huh? Car repairs are inevitable and I know they need to be taken care of. Why, oh why do they have to REALLY have to be taken care of right before both of my children have their birthdays and just a few weeks before Christmas??? Dave Ramsey would have a field day with this one. I can hear him saying "Emergency Fund" in the back of my mind. I know, Dave. We're working on it.
Hannah put up her pink Christmas tree in her room. It's really cute. Elijah has as little tree for his room as well. I guess I'll put that in there tomorrow. Maybe this weekend I will get our tree put up. I'm really wanting a big real tree this year. We will see how that goes. I'm trying to be in the spirit. I am really trying hard, but the dark forces of bah humbug are getting to me. That and the "broke monster" is keeping me from purchasing things that I want to purchase. I'm trying to remember that It's not about the money and the stuff that you buy, but how can I make my house look festive without spending some bank? I can't. Definitely not on the outside. Oh well.
I need to go to bed. We are a one car family for now and will have to be up early tomorrow to get everyone where they need to be on time.
Ciao
a problem
I really think I have a problem. I can not stop eating. It's making me crazy. I seriously think I need to get help for this! It's not just because it's Thanksgiving. I'm eating stuff that I don't like or doesn't even taste good - just to be eating! I'm going to have to put myself on a diet just to limit what I am free to eat. Maybe that will help. I'm thinking about hypnosis - seriously thinking about hypnosis. This has to stop!
finally,, a post
I haven't blogged since August?? How is that possible? Wow. I know I've been busy, but jeesh. So much has happened over the past four months and I have had a lot to blog about. I can't believe I haven't written anything. I am getting lazy about updating Elijah's website too. I guess I should do that today as well.
So... I shaved my head in September. Crazy stuff, I know. It's at a very awkward stage right now.. I just sort of look like I have this burr of hair on my head. Not cool. I almost liked it better when it was closer to bald, but I sure won't shave it again. (just to avoid having to go through this phase). I shaved it with 46 Mommas. It was a really emotional event, and one that I'm so glad I took part in, even though I hate my hair right now. I am hoping that by my Birthday it will have grown out enough that it will lay down and not stick straight up and out - everywhere. It's terrible, really. I'm very thankful for hats.
I'm trying to find a new job. (shocker, I know) I'm at a point where I would like to go to work close to full time, but it's a challenge because Elijah still has needs above that of a normal kid. He still has to go to clinic every week. He still has to go to Philly every few months, and he still has days where he doesn't feel well enough to go to school. So.. I need a job with great flexibility, or one that I can work from home. I'm praying that I get good news about a job next week - one that would be perfect for our situation, allow me to work part time from the house and make the same that I would make working full time at the hospital. Sounds too good to be true, right? It does to me too, which is why I'm crossing my fingers, saying extra prayers, and doing everything I can so that my karma is good. I think it's time that we had something awesome like this come our way. I have to remind myself that good things can happen too, right? Right.
I'm feeling crafty today and would like to get some projects finished, but it's rainy outside and I'm kinda enjoying things being quiet and CLEAN here in the house. Maybe I will do some things later. I do have some things I've started that need to be finished.. and some things that I need to start before time gets away from me. Britt was busy this morning putting Christmas lights on the outside of the house, but it started to rain and stopped that project. I think we are more in the Christmas spirit this year than we have been in a long time. Things are pretty good. We are still broke as ever, but Elijah is doing well, we are both working, our bills are in decent shape, and we feel like we can actually breath and relax for a bit. It's nice.
My new binder...
I am having some days of clarity, or at least I think it's clarity. Perhaps its just me being oblivious to my normal clueless-ness. Ha!
So here is what I have determined. No big shocker that I need to get things in order. Having things out of order is what creates the majority of my stress. (My hair is still falling out, have I mentioned that recently?) So.. I have read books and read blogs and done exercises and enlisted the help of friends. None of this works unless I actually do the work. With my head being in such a total fog all of the time, I forget to do what I need to do or I lay in bed completely overwhelmed by everything I need to accomplish. Not cool, man. Not cool at all. So.. I am tired of other peoples systems that have bits and pieces that work for me and pieces that don't work at all. There isn't one book that fits the way that I want to do things or that will help me to accomplish all of my goals. My life is different than everyone else on this planet. What I need to do on a day to day basis isn't the same as anyone else that I know. So, I have started my own "system". I have a very large binder that is serving as the center of my universe right now. I have a page for every day and on each page is included what my work schedule is and what appointments I have. I also have what I am preparing for dinner, weekly chores that need to be done that day and daily chores that need to be done that day. I also have notes like "Hannah move in day" or "Elijah drop off at camp" on the top of pages that I need to remember big stuff. In the front of my book I have a zipper pocket that includes all the recipes I need for dinner for the week and a separate page that has weekly menus and grocery list. My plan is to schedule things that I need to do for myself as well as the things I need to do for the house / family. For example, I have scheduled an appointment to give myself a manicure and to tweeze my eyebrows. Some may think this is absolutely ridiculous, but I don't get get manicures or eyebrows done and tend to put things like this off until it's way past time and I look like a sasquatch with a unibrow who has been digging for potatoes. Not pretty.
I am going to expand the binder to include things that Elijah needs for school such as homework, school activities and assignment due dates. For now, it's a work in progress. It's my hope that it will help me keep on track, not forget things as much, and stay on a schedule with housework. I'm hopeful. :)
The Ronald
I am at "The Ronald" with Elijah. We flew in to Philly yesterday morning. We don't normally know until the day we arrive if we will have a room here or not. It's always full so it just depends on whether someone checks out and goes home and how far down we are on the waiting list.
Normally when we are here Elijah doesn't want to stay in the room at all. He wants to go to the teen room and play video games or pool or he wants to look at the movies in the office or do crafts. This time he isn't much wanting to play. He went to bed at 8 last night and slept for 12 hours. Tonight he just wanted to watch a movie and go to bed. He's hurting from his procedure and seems to have a headache from anesthesia. I'm praying he feels better tomorrow.
At times I feel sorry for myself when we are here. Sad because we are away from home and frustrated that he has to go through so much. I feel sorry for myself until we are downstairs in the kitchen and see a tired momma whose just come back from the hospital - and doesn't have her child with her. You can tell her apart from the others. She has on the blue inpatient id band and sits alone staring straight ahead. She eats quietly and slowly. I can't imagine what runs through her mind. I pray for her. I pray for her and I'm thankful that I have Elijah with me. Even when he feels bad, we can still watch movies and talk and laugh. Not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed that he is still with us. I'd come up here every week and not complain about it one bit just to have him with me and well. So.. my goal is to not complain about our situation and what we go through. I am blessed.
Yep. I already took my Ambien..
I'm starting to see a pattern here. Take my ambien, wait for it to start working, and then come up with all of these brilliant thoughts that I simply must put down in my blog. Maybe this is why musicians often do drugs. Funny thing is, I know that what I am about to write really isn't some stroke of poetic or prophetic genius.
I'm shaving my head in just about two months. I seriously need to get some weight off before the big shave or I fear I will look all butch. I just need to learn how to put makeup on for those with no hair and I need to get some very pretty and feminine earrings. Perhaps I should just get some baggy jeans and a couple of wife beaters. I think I still have a pair of Doc Martens. My hair grows super fast, so I'm really not too concerned about me being bald for a terribly long time. I just don't look good with short hair unless I'm thinner. So.. anyone want to volunteer to be my personal trainer for free? How about beauty consultant for the bald and the beautiful?
Okay, I've been interrupted twice and have now forgotten all of the other witty and charming things I wanted to talk about. Darn ambien. I think one of them was an herb garden. Maybe I will blog about that later though.
If you are one of the three people who read my blog, will you share something with your friends? www.46mommas.com and www.gofundme.com/talley-travel-fund
We are trying to raise funds for 46 Mommas and are trying to get help to get us to Washington DC for the big shave. We appreciate any bit of help.
I guess I need to go to bed.
Just The List
Okay.. I have some things on my list that are bugging me - so I'm going to put them down on here. This is not my bucket list - which is full of wonderful things I would love to accomplish at some point. This is just crap that stresses me out that I wish I could fix.
1. For Elijah to be well.
2. For my car to be fixed.(needs a hub cap, tires, and to get the fender fixed - it's falling off)
3. For Britt's car to be fixed.
4. To get mine and Britt's dental work done.
5. To own the house that we live in (or at least get another year on the lease).
6. To have all of our bills caught up.
7. To have my whole house clean and know where everything is. (yeah, crack smoking crazy.. I know)
8. To be able to go to the foot doctor and have my toe looked at.
9. To get the cyst removed from my wrist
10. To be able to get Hannah what she needs for her dorm room and to start school
11. To be able to get Elijah new clothes and shoes for school.
This is what I need to alleviate my stress. These are a few of the things in my life that drive me nuts. Number 1 being Elijah's health. I guess I should start looking at which ones I can do anything about and not worry about the rest. That's kind of hard to do when I have to pop the fender back on my car every time I drive it. Elijah is embarrassed of it.. can't say that I blame him. I do know that it's much better than what my mother embarrassed me with when I was his age. Remember Gremlins? Yeah.. mom had one.. When she didn't have that she borrowed my aunt's Pinto.
I am tired and my ambien has kicked in.. so I know I'm rambling. If I start talking about alien abductions, just stop reading. It doesn't mean I've been abducted, just means that I am no longer coherent. like I ever really am!
Work?
I am working a lot over the next week. I actually don't have a day off until Thursday which means I will have worked 6 days straight. Granted, a few of my shifts have only been 4 hours, but it's work just the same. I am going to like my next paycheck, I think. I think it will really help out with some existing bills and upcoming expenses.
I can't believe school starts in a little more than a month. It seems like they just got out. It will be Elijah's last year at his school. We have loved having him at Jefferson. I'm not certain what we will do for middle school. We are not too keen on sending him to public school even though that's where he wants to go. The public schools here are just too big once you get to middle school. I'm just not comfortable with him being in a large school environment with big classes,crowded hallways and bullies. We can't really afford private school and I am too disorganized to home school. I'm sure that a workable solution will present itself during the next school year.
Dieting sucks. Just so I am clear on that one thing. I did really well and lost quite a bit of weight on CLEAN, but can't get my head into it to do it again. I am thinking I'm going to have to do something middle of the road and just use myfitnesspal or count WW points. I don't want to be fat, but I can't take feeling deprived. It's causing me to binge, which is terrible.
Man, I'm whiny! ha! Maybe I need to go back to the beach. I don't think I whined as much at the beach!
sleep
We've just returned from Lighthouse Family Retreat. It's an amazing experience, to say the least. I loved it. I wish I could work for Lighthouse and be there every week.. okay, maybe not every week. I think perhaps I would be exhausted beyond repair then. I'm pretty tired now and we had people doing everything for us the entire time we were there. Everything but sleep, that is.
I love being that close to the ocean. It calms me and amazes me. To me, the ocean is a reminder to let go. Some things we just can't control no matter how hard we try. It's a reminder that God is in control and there are things that are greater and more powerful than we can ever hope to be.
Lighthouse reminds me that I want to be a better wife. That I want to show Britt that not only do I admire and respect him, but that I am so proud of him. I am thankful that he is such a great dad and a husband that i can be proud to call mine. I have to say there were a few husbands at the retreat that I genuinely felt sorry for their wives. Perhaps I judge too much. I just think I'm pretty blessed in that department.
So the week started with me having the worst kidney infection I can remember in a long time. I was miserable. I went to the doctor before we left and got some antibiotics which seemed to work wonderfully. A few days after we were there, I was horsing around with Hannah and I fell backwards off a very short ladder and broke a shelf in our beach house. ouch. I still hurt (I think I pinched a nerve - guess that's what I get, right?) Then the sore throat starts.. sore throat, runny nose, watery eyes.. YUCK. You aren't supposed to be sick at the beach! I'm still fighting this summer cold. I think if I could sleep for a couple of days, I would be better. I just want to sleep.
So.. time to start working on my bucket list, after I quit coughing and sneezing.
Busy Days
I think my "to do" list is a mile long today. How am I getting it all done? I am blogging! Go me! I had to go to Elijah's school and pick up Hobo and all of Elijah's things this morning. He desperately wanted to say good bye to Mrs. Faulkenberry. We may have to track her down this summer and let him see her. He's had the best luck with teachers at Jefferson Elementary. I am already stressing over who he will have for 5th grade. We are praying for Mrs. Baranek. She's new and supposed to be awesome. We like awesome! i am going to wait til Summer is over and then I will stress over middle school. Elijah wants to go to public school but I think the public school is too large and fear that he will be teased and bullied. He's quite the spitfire, but gets his feelings hurt easily if he thinks he's being made fun of or singled out. Kids can be wonderful and kids can be mean. You just never know what you are going to get. We can't really swing private school but have heard that several have scholarship opportunities so we may look in to that. I'd like to keep him with his friends, but some of them are going off to private school too. hmmmmmm
Elijah is gone to camp right now. It's quiet around the house. No music playing, no computer games in the background, no tv. I just hear birds and the occasional car drive by. I may have to turn on some music while I clean to avoid talking to myself. (Who am I kidding? Music will NOT keep me from talking to myself)
Hannah is all graduated now. She's busy working at her summer job before school starts in the fall. I'm so proud of her! I can't believe she is so grown up.
Not much else going on with me. I am no longer working at the church, which I must say has been great for my stress level. I don't worry about messing things up or forgetting things all the time. I just work at the hospital and when my shift is over, I come home. It's nice. I am working more now than I was when I was at the church and recently got a raise at the hospital, so I am making a bit more money than before. Always an added bonus!
We are getting ready to head to Lighthouse Family Retreat on Sunday!!! I can't tell you how ready I am for this trip. I can't wait to hear the ocean again. We snuck a quick trip to Atlantic City about a month ago when we were in Philly. We didn't spend any money on anything or do much but walk on the beach and the boardwalk. It did my soul good to hear the waves. Why is that such a soothing and powerful sound? To me, the ocean is a symbol of God's power and a reminder that there are some things that are just mightier than I am: things that I can not control. I love it.
I would like to start blogging more. I would really like to write a book. there was a mom in the lobby of the hospital the other day that had written a book called "NICU Mom". I could totally do that. "Onco Mom".. That's me. It sounds like a superhero name though, and I am totally no super hero. Maybe that's what my book should be about: that you don't have to be a super hero just because you have a kid with cancer. You just have to be a mom.
The Bucket List
Someone posted something the other day about a "bucket list". They were asking people to share three things on their bucket list. It got me to thinking - I don't have a bucket list. I figured right away that I had plenty of things on my list of things that I wanted to do, see, or have.. why not just start that list and call it my bucket list? So that's what I did. So far I have 38 things on my bucket list. If I can get to 50, I think I will be satisfied with that. They are not in order of importance or in order of how they will be accomplished. Just 38 (hopefully soon to be 50) random things that I would like to experience in my life. Some materialistic, some selfless, and some just plain ole fun.
1. lose 70 pounds
2. Run a 5K
3. See a play on Broadway
4. Own a nice car (Mine have always been yucky)
5. Put my life story in writing
6. Renew my vows and have a wedding (preferably with Britt)
7. Snow Ski - just once!
8. Learn to cook Beef Wellington
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a Cruise.. doesn't have to be a long one. a 3 day would do.
11. Learn and become good at Yoga
12. Own a diamond ring
13. own a string of pearls
14. visit Europe
15. Play Tennis
16. Develop a personal sense of style
17. Find a career that I would love
18. Have a very best friend.
19. Get another tattoo
20. Create a piece of art
21. Own a large Elizabeth Weber painting
22. Learn to meditate
23. Take a trip with Hannah
24. Develop a stronger and more brave faith
25. Be more environmentally aware in our home
26. Help someone truly in need - change someones life for the better
27. Be in a small play
28. spend more time with kim, sue and Jessica
29. Keep my house clean for a whole year
30. Get Britt to draw me something
31. Camp at the Grand Canyon
32. See Mt. Rushmore
33. Take a vacation that's not cancer related
34. Learn Spanish
35. Take a ballroom dance class
36. Snorkel
37. Become a morning person
38. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
So there's my list. It doesn't have things like shave my head or help find a cure for cancer.. those are things already on my list... things in the works now. So.. if you know of someone who could help me to start marking any of these things off my list, let me know. :) Some of them are actually quite doable.
What can I say?
Sometimes I feel as though I'm making positive steps toward change, and then other times I feel like crippling depression is holding me so far down that i can't catch my breath. I decided not to attend school this semester. I'm going to take a break from it for a great while, actually. I know that I am over 40 and that finishing school has been a goal of mine for a long time, but I just can't get my heart in to it right now. I can't focus, I can't absorb, and I can't keep up. I'm so tired of doing everything half-assed. I actually feel good about my decision. Have had no regrets about it at all. That may change in a few months, but oh well. What do you do? For now, it was the best thing for me.
Britt and I are trying to detox our diet right now. It's been tough, but I've lost 5 pounds in less than a week, so I guess it's worth it. I have cheated a tiny bit here and there, but nothing drastic. I haven't had a diet coke in 5 days - which is a major feat for me. I hope I can stay off of it for good. I've had the habit for 25 years, so it's not easy to kick.
We are looking for a new church. We are visiting one tomorrow that seems to be drawing me in. Maybe it's God telling me that's where I need to be right now. I have to have something positive and uplifting to fill this void I feel. I know that God can do it.. I just have to let him.
I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning. As much as I convince myself it's because of my diet or lack of exercise, I know it's the depression getting worse. I haven't been taking my antidepressants like I should - even though I know they help. I don't know why I haven't been. Mostly because I forget. You'd think lying in bed feeling like your world is about to come crashing down around you would be enough of a reminder to take a dang pill. I will start back with them tomorrow. I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist - but can't get in to see anyone for 6-8 weeks. How crazy is that? I am thankful that I am not one of those people who wants to hurt myself (or someone else).. Having to wait that long is ridiculous. What saddens me is that there are that many people dealing with mental illness, that you can't get an appointment for such a long time.
I want to be happy. I want to have adventures. I want to be healthy. I don't want to avoid my friends because I would rather crawl in to bed and watch movies on the computer. I want to cook and enjoy my family. I want to feel motivated. Life is good right now - and I really want to enjoy it. I'm tired of avoiding everything.