I'm starting to see a pattern here. Take my ambien, wait for it to start working, and then come up with all of these brilliant thoughts that I simply must put down in my blog. Maybe this is why musicians often do drugs. Funny thing is, I know that what I am about to write really isn't some stroke of poetic or prophetic genius.
I'm shaving my head in just about two months. I seriously need to get some weight off before the big shave or I fear I will look all butch. I just need to learn how to put makeup on for those with no hair and I need to get some very pretty and feminine earrings. Perhaps I should just get some baggy jeans and a couple of wife beaters. I think I still have a pair of Doc Martens. My hair grows super fast, so I'm really not too concerned about me being bald for a terribly long time. I just don't look good with short hair unless I'm thinner. So.. anyone want to volunteer to be my personal trainer for free? How about beauty consultant for the bald and the beautiful?
Okay, I've been interrupted twice and have now forgotten all of the other witty and charming things I wanted to talk about. Darn ambien. I think one of them was an herb garden. Maybe I will blog about that later though.
If you are one of the three people who read my blog, will you share something with your friends? www.46mommas.com and www.gofundme.com/talley-travel-fund
We are trying to raise funds for 46 Mommas and are trying to get help to get us to Washington DC for the big shave. We appreciate any bit of help.
I guess I need to go to bed.
Yep. I already took my Ambien..
Just The List
Okay.. I have some things on my list that are bugging me - so I'm going to put them down on here. This is not my bucket list - which is full of wonderful things I would love to accomplish at some point. This is just crap that stresses me out that I wish I could fix.
1. For Elijah to be well.
2. For my car to be fixed.(needs a hub cap, tires, and to get the fender fixed - it's falling off)
3. For Britt's car to be fixed.
4. To get mine and Britt's dental work done.
5. To own the house that we live in (or at least get another year on the lease).
6. To have all of our bills caught up.
7. To have my whole house clean and know where everything is. (yeah, crack smoking crazy.. I know)
8. To be able to go to the foot doctor and have my toe looked at.
9. To get the cyst removed from my wrist
10. To be able to get Hannah what she needs for her dorm room and to start school
11. To be able to get Elijah new clothes and shoes for school.
This is what I need to alleviate my stress. These are a few of the things in my life that drive me nuts. Number 1 being Elijah's health. I guess I should start looking at which ones I can do anything about and not worry about the rest. That's kind of hard to do when I have to pop the fender back on my car every time I drive it. Elijah is embarrassed of it.. can't say that I blame him. I do know that it's much better than what my mother embarrassed me with when I was his age. Remember Gremlins? Yeah.. mom had one.. When she didn't have that she borrowed my aunt's Pinto.
I am tired and my ambien has kicked in.. so I know I'm rambling. If I start talking about alien abductions, just stop reading. It doesn't mean I've been abducted, just means that I am no longer coherent. like I ever really am!
Work?
I am working a lot over the next week. I actually don't have a day off until Thursday which means I will have worked 6 days straight. Granted, a few of my shifts have only been 4 hours, but it's work just the same. I am going to like my next paycheck, I think. I think it will really help out with some existing bills and upcoming expenses.
I can't believe school starts in a little more than a month. It seems like they just got out. It will be Elijah's last year at his school. We have loved having him at Jefferson. I'm not certain what we will do for middle school. We are not too keen on sending him to public school even though that's where he wants to go. The public schools here are just too big once you get to middle school. I'm just not comfortable with him being in a large school environment with big classes,crowded hallways and bullies. We can't really afford private school and I am too disorganized to home school. I'm sure that a workable solution will present itself during the next school year.
Dieting sucks. Just so I am clear on that one thing. I did really well and lost quite a bit of weight on CLEAN, but can't get my head into it to do it again. I am thinking I'm going to have to do something middle of the road and just use myfitnesspal or count WW points. I don't want to be fat, but I can't take feeling deprived. It's causing me to binge, which is terrible.
Man, I'm whiny! ha! Maybe I need to go back to the beach. I don't think I whined as much at the beach!
sleep
We've just returned from Lighthouse Family Retreat. It's an amazing experience, to say the least. I loved it. I wish I could work for Lighthouse and be there every week.. okay, maybe not every week. I think perhaps I would be exhausted beyond repair then. I'm pretty tired now and we had people doing everything for us the entire time we were there. Everything but sleep, that is.
I love being that close to the ocean. It calms me and amazes me. To me, the ocean is a reminder to let go. Some things we just can't control no matter how hard we try. It's a reminder that God is in control and there are things that are greater and more powerful than we can ever hope to be.
Lighthouse reminds me that I want to be a better wife. That I want to show Britt that not only do I admire and respect him, but that I am so proud of him. I am thankful that he is such a great dad and a husband that i can be proud to call mine. I have to say there were a few husbands at the retreat that I genuinely felt sorry for their wives. Perhaps I judge too much. I just think I'm pretty blessed in that department.
So the week started with me having the worst kidney infection I can remember in a long time. I was miserable. I went to the doctor before we left and got some antibiotics which seemed to work wonderfully. A few days after we were there, I was horsing around with Hannah and I fell backwards off a very short ladder and broke a shelf in our beach house. ouch. I still hurt (I think I pinched a nerve - guess that's what I get, right?) Then the sore throat starts.. sore throat, runny nose, watery eyes.. YUCK. You aren't supposed to be sick at the beach! I'm still fighting this summer cold. I think if I could sleep for a couple of days, I would be better. I just want to sleep.
So.. time to start working on my bucket list, after I quit coughing and sneezing.
Busy Days
I think my "to do" list is a mile long today. How am I getting it all done? I am blogging! Go me! I had to go to Elijah's school and pick up Hobo and all of Elijah's things this morning. He desperately wanted to say good bye to Mrs. Faulkenberry. We may have to track her down this summer and let him see her. He's had the best luck with teachers at Jefferson Elementary. I am already stressing over who he will have for 5th grade. We are praying for Mrs. Baranek. She's new and supposed to be awesome. We like awesome! i am going to wait til Summer is over and then I will stress over middle school. Elijah wants to go to public school but I think the public school is too large and fear that he will be teased and bullied. He's quite the spitfire, but gets his feelings hurt easily if he thinks he's being made fun of or singled out. Kids can be wonderful and kids can be mean. You just never know what you are going to get. We can't really swing private school but have heard that several have scholarship opportunities so we may look in to that. I'd like to keep him with his friends, but some of them are going off to private school too. hmmmmmm
Elijah is gone to camp right now. It's quiet around the house. No music playing, no computer games in the background, no tv. I just hear birds and the occasional car drive by. I may have to turn on some music while I clean to avoid talking to myself. (Who am I kidding? Music will NOT keep me from talking to myself)
Hannah is all graduated now. She's busy working at her summer job before school starts in the fall. I'm so proud of her! I can't believe she is so grown up.
Not much else going on with me. I am no longer working at the church, which I must say has been great for my stress level. I don't worry about messing things up or forgetting things all the time. I just work at the hospital and when my shift is over, I come home. It's nice. I am working more now than I was when I was at the church and recently got a raise at the hospital, so I am making a bit more money than before. Always an added bonus!
We are getting ready to head to Lighthouse Family Retreat on Sunday!!! I can't tell you how ready I am for this trip. I can't wait to hear the ocean again. We snuck a quick trip to Atlantic City about a month ago when we were in Philly. We didn't spend any money on anything or do much but walk on the beach and the boardwalk. It did my soul good to hear the waves. Why is that such a soothing and powerful sound? To me, the ocean is a symbol of God's power and a reminder that there are some things that are just mightier than I am: things that I can not control. I love it.
I would like to start blogging more. I would really like to write a book. there was a mom in the lobby of the hospital the other day that had written a book called "NICU Mom". I could totally do that. "Onco Mom".. That's me. It sounds like a superhero name though, and I am totally no super hero. Maybe that's what my book should be about: that you don't have to be a super hero just because you have a kid with cancer. You just have to be a mom.
The Bucket List
Someone posted something the other day about a "bucket list". They were asking people to share three things on their bucket list. It got me to thinking - I don't have a bucket list. I figured right away that I had plenty of things on my list of things that I wanted to do, see, or have.. why not just start that list and call it my bucket list? So that's what I did. So far I have 38 things on my bucket list. If I can get to 50, I think I will be satisfied with that. They are not in order of importance or in order of how they will be accomplished. Just 38 (hopefully soon to be 50) random things that I would like to experience in my life. Some materialistic, some selfless, and some just plain ole fun.
1. lose 70 pounds
2. Run a 5K
3. See a play on Broadway
4. Own a nice car (Mine have always been yucky)
5. Put my life story in writing
6. Renew my vows and have a wedding (preferably with Britt)
7. Snow Ski - just once!
8. Learn to cook Beef Wellington
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a Cruise.. doesn't have to be a long one. a 3 day would do.
11. Learn and become good at Yoga
12. Own a diamond ring
13. own a string of pearls
14. visit Europe
15. Play Tennis
16. Develop a personal sense of style
17. Find a career that I would love
18. Have a very best friend.
19. Get another tattoo
20. Create a piece of art
21. Own a large Elizabeth Weber painting
22. Learn to meditate
23. Take a trip with Hannah
24. Develop a stronger and more brave faith
25. Be more environmentally aware in our home
26. Help someone truly in need - change someones life for the better
27. Be in a small play
28. spend more time with kim, sue and Jessica
29. Keep my house clean for a whole year
30. Get Britt to draw me something
31. Camp at the Grand Canyon
32. See Mt. Rushmore
33. Take a vacation that's not cancer related
34. Learn Spanish
35. Take a ballroom dance class
36. Snorkel
37. Become a morning person
38. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
So there's my list. It doesn't have things like shave my head or help find a cure for cancer.. those are things already on my list... things in the works now. So.. if you know of someone who could help me to start marking any of these things off my list, let me know. :) Some of them are actually quite doable.
What can I say?
Sometimes I feel as though I'm making positive steps toward change, and then other times I feel like crippling depression is holding me so far down that i can't catch my breath. I decided not to attend school this semester. I'm going to take a break from it for a great while, actually. I know that I am over 40 and that finishing school has been a goal of mine for a long time, but I just can't get my heart in to it right now. I can't focus, I can't absorb, and I can't keep up. I'm so tired of doing everything half-assed. I actually feel good about my decision. Have had no regrets about it at all. That may change in a few months, but oh well. What do you do? For now, it was the best thing for me.
Britt and I are trying to detox our diet right now. It's been tough, but I've lost 5 pounds in less than a week, so I guess it's worth it. I have cheated a tiny bit here and there, but nothing drastic. I haven't had a diet coke in 5 days - which is a major feat for me. I hope I can stay off of it for good. I've had the habit for 25 years, so it's not easy to kick.
We are looking for a new church. We are visiting one tomorrow that seems to be drawing me in. Maybe it's God telling me that's where I need to be right now. I have to have something positive and uplifting to fill this void I feel. I know that God can do it.. I just have to let him.
I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning. As much as I convince myself it's because of my diet or lack of exercise, I know it's the depression getting worse. I haven't been taking my antidepressants like I should - even though I know they help. I don't know why I haven't been. Mostly because I forget. You'd think lying in bed feeling like your world is about to come crashing down around you would be enough of a reminder to take a dang pill. I will start back with them tomorrow. I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist - but can't get in to see anyone for 6-8 weeks. How crazy is that? I am thankful that I am not one of those people who wants to hurt myself (or someone else).. Having to wait that long is ridiculous. What saddens me is that there are that many people dealing with mental illness, that you can't get an appointment for such a long time.
I want to be happy. I want to have adventures. I want to be healthy. I don't want to avoid my friends because I would rather crawl in to bed and watch movies on the computer. I want to cook and enjoy my family. I want to feel motivated. Life is good right now - and I really want to enjoy it. I'm tired of avoiding everything.