a problem

I really think I have a problem. I can not stop eating. It's making me crazy. I seriously think I need to get help for this! It's not just because it's Thanksgiving. I'm eating stuff that I don't like or doesn't even taste good - just to be eating! I'm going to have to put myself on a diet just to limit what I am free to eat. Maybe that will help. I'm thinking about hypnosis - seriously thinking about hypnosis. This has to stop!

finally,, a post

I haven't blogged since August?? How is that possible? Wow. I know I've been busy, but jeesh. So much has happened over the past four months and I have had a lot to blog about. I can't believe I haven't written anything. I am getting lazy about updating Elijah's website too. I guess I should do that today as well.
So... I shaved my head in September. Crazy stuff, I know. It's at a very awkward stage right now.. I just sort of look like I have this burr of hair on my head. Not cool. I almost liked it better when it was closer to bald, but I sure won't shave it again. (just to avoid having to go through this phase). I shaved it with 46 Mommas. It was a really emotional event, and one that I'm so glad I took part in, even though I hate my hair right now. I am hoping that by my Birthday it will have grown out enough that it will lay down and not stick straight up and out - everywhere. It's terrible, really. I'm very thankful for hats.
I'm trying to find a new job. (shocker, I know) I'm at a point where I would like to go to work close to full time, but it's a challenge because Elijah still has needs above that of a normal kid. He still has to go to clinic every week. He still has to go to Philly every few months, and he still has days where he doesn't feel well enough to go to school. So.. I need a job with great flexibility, or one that I can work from home. I'm praying that I get good news about a job next week - one that would be perfect for our situation, allow me to work part time from the house and make the same that I would make working full time at the hospital. Sounds too good to be true, right? It does to me too, which is why I'm crossing my fingers, saying extra prayers, and doing everything I can so that my karma is good. I think it's time that we had something awesome like this come our way. I have to remind myself that good things can happen too, right? Right.
I'm feeling crafty today and would like to get some projects finished, but it's rainy outside and I'm kinda enjoying things being quiet and CLEAN here in the house. Maybe I will do some things later. I do have some things I've started that need to be finished.. and some things that I need to start before time gets away from me. Britt was busy this morning putting Christmas lights on the outside of the house, but it started to rain and stopped that project. I think we are more in the Christmas spirit this year than we have been in a long time. Things are pretty good. We are still broke as ever, but Elijah is doing well, we are both working, our bills are in decent shape, and we feel like we can actually breath and relax for a bit. It's nice.

My new binder...

I am having some days of clarity, or at least I think it's clarity. Perhaps its just me being oblivious to my normal clueless-ness. Ha!
So here is what I have determined. No big shocker that I need to get things in order. Having things out of order is what creates the majority of my stress. (My hair is still falling out, have I mentioned that recently?) So.. I have read books and read blogs and done exercises and enlisted the help of friends. None of this works unless I actually do the work. With my head being in such a total fog all of the time, I forget to do what I need to do or I lay in bed completely overwhelmed by everything I need to accomplish. Not cool, man. Not cool at all. So.. I am tired of other peoples systems that have bits and pieces that work for me and pieces that don't work at all. There isn't one book that fits the way that I want to do things or that will help me to accomplish all of my goals. My life is different than everyone else on this planet. What I need to do on a day to day basis isn't the same as anyone else that I know. So, I have started my own "system". I have a very large binder that is serving as the center of my universe right now. I have a page for every day and on each page is included what my work schedule is and what appointments I have. I also have what I am preparing for dinner, weekly chores that need to be done that day and daily chores that need to be done that day. I also have notes like "Hannah move in day" or "Elijah drop off at camp" on the top of pages that I need to remember big stuff. In the front of my book I have a zipper pocket that includes all the recipes I need for dinner for the week and a separate page that has weekly menus and grocery list. My plan is to schedule things that I need to do for myself as well as the things I need to do for the house / family. For example, I have scheduled an appointment to give myself a manicure and to tweeze my eyebrows. Some may think this is absolutely ridiculous, but I don't get get manicures or eyebrows done and tend to put things like this off until it's way past time and I look like a sasquatch with a unibrow who has been digging for potatoes. Not pretty.
I am going to expand the binder to include things that Elijah needs for school such as homework, school activities and assignment due dates. For now, it's a work in progress. It's my hope that it will help me keep on track, not forget things as much, and stay on a schedule with housework. I'm hopeful. :)

The Ronald

I am at "The Ronald" with Elijah. We flew in to Philly yesterday morning. We don't normally know until the day we arrive if we will have a room here or not. It's always full so it just depends on whether someone checks out and goes home and how far down we are on the waiting list.
Normally when we are here Elijah doesn't want to stay in the room at all. He wants to go to the teen room and play video games or pool or he wants to look at the movies in the office or do crafts. This time he isn't much wanting to play. He went to bed at 8 last night and slept for 12 hours. Tonight he just wanted to watch a movie and go to bed. He's hurting from his procedure and seems to have a headache from anesthesia. I'm praying he feels better tomorrow.
At times I feel sorry for myself when we are here. Sad because we are away from home and frustrated that he has to go through so much. I feel sorry for myself until we are downstairs in the kitchen and see a tired momma whose just come back from the hospital - and doesn't have her child with her. You can tell her apart from the others. She has on the blue inpatient id band and sits alone staring straight ahead. She eats quietly and slowly. I can't imagine what runs through her mind. I pray for her. I pray for her and I'm thankful that I have Elijah with me. Even when he feels bad, we can still watch movies and talk and laugh. Not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed that he is still with us. I'd come up here every week and not complain about it one bit just to have him with me and well. So.. my goal is to not complain about our situation and what we go through. I am blessed.

Yep. I already took my Ambien..

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Take my ambien, wait for it to start working, and then come up with all of these brilliant thoughts that I simply must put down in my blog. Maybe this is why musicians often do drugs. Funny thing is, I know that what I am about to write really isn't some stroke of poetic or prophetic genius.
I'm shaving my head in just about two months. I seriously need to get some weight off before the big shave or I fear I will look all butch. I just need to learn how to put makeup on for those with no hair and I need to get some very pretty and feminine earrings. Perhaps I should just get some baggy jeans and a couple of wife beaters. I think I still have a pair of Doc Martens. My hair grows super fast, so I'm really not too concerned about me being bald for a terribly long time. I just don't look good with short hair unless I'm thinner. So.. anyone want to volunteer to be my personal trainer for free? How about beauty consultant for the bald and the beautiful?
Okay, I've been interrupted twice and have now forgotten all of the other witty and charming things I wanted to talk about. Darn ambien. I think one of them was an herb garden. Maybe I will blog about that later though.
If you are one of the three people who read my blog, will you share something with your friends? www.46mommas.com and www.gofundme.com/talley-travel-fund
We are trying to raise funds for 46 Mommas and are trying to get help to get us to Washington DC for the big shave. We appreciate any bit of help.
I guess I need to go to bed.

Just The List

Okay.. I have some things on my list that are bugging me - so I'm going to put them down on here. This is not my bucket list - which is full of wonderful things I would love to accomplish at some point. This is just crap that stresses me out that I wish I could fix.

1. For Elijah to be well.
2. For my car to be fixed.(needs a hub cap, tires, and to get the fender fixed - it's falling off)
3. For Britt's car to be fixed.
4. To get mine and Britt's dental work done.
5. To own the house that we live in (or at least get another year on the lease).
6. To have all of our bills caught up.
7. To have my whole house clean and know where everything is. (yeah, crack smoking crazy.. I know)
8. To be able to go to the foot doctor and have my toe looked at.
9. To get the cyst removed from my wrist
10. To be able to get Hannah what she needs for her dorm room and to start school
11. To be able to get Elijah new clothes and shoes for school.

This is what I need to alleviate my stress. These are a few of the things in my life that drive me nuts. Number 1 being Elijah's health. I guess I should start looking at which ones I can do anything about and not worry about the rest. That's kind of hard to do when I have to pop the fender back on my car every time I drive it. Elijah is embarrassed of it.. can't say that I blame him. I do know that it's much better than what my mother embarrassed me with when I was his age. Remember Gremlins? Yeah.. mom had one.. When she didn't have that she borrowed my aunt's Pinto.
I am tired and my ambien has kicked in.. so I know I'm rambling. If I start talking about alien abductions, just stop reading. It doesn't mean I've been abducted, just means that I am no longer coherent. like I ever really am!

Work?

I am working a lot over the next week. I actually don't have a day off until Thursday which means I will have worked 6 days straight. Granted, a few of my shifts have only been 4 hours, but it's work just the same. I am going to like my next paycheck, I think. I think it will really help out with some existing bills and upcoming expenses.
I can't believe school starts in a little more than a month. It seems like they just got out. It will be Elijah's last year at his school. We have loved having him at Jefferson. I'm not certain what we will do for middle school. We are not too keen on sending him to public school even though that's where he wants to go. The public schools here are just too big once you get to middle school. I'm just not comfortable with him being in a large school environment with big classes,crowded hallways and bullies. We can't really afford private school and I am too disorganized to home school. I'm sure that a workable solution will present itself during the next school year.
Dieting sucks. Just so I am clear on that one thing. I did really well and lost quite a bit of weight on CLEAN, but can't get my head into it to do it again. I am thinking I'm going to have to do something middle of the road and just use myfitnesspal or count WW points. I don't want to be fat, but I can't take feeling deprived. It's causing me to binge, which is terrible.
Man, I'm whiny! ha! Maybe I need to go back to the beach. I don't think I whined as much at the beach!