So much...

Quite a bit going on since my last blog entry. We are steadily working on getting our house in order. I love this house!! It's not huge, but is so roomy and full of personality. We could be happy here for a long time.
We had family over here for Thanksgiving. Our first time having company over other than to just say hello since we've moved in. It was nice - but a reminder that I still haven't figured out where everything should be for maximum efficiency just yet. I also think I'm missing a couple of kitchen boxes - because I couldn't find a few things. Britt made an amazing turkey (that I couldn't eat) and we had the other normal turkey day staples. After dinner a couple of Hannah's friends hung out and played a board game with us. It was tons of fun. I think Elijah really enjoyed himself.
Elijah will turn 10 years old in just a few days. It's so hard to believe. For more than 5 years we have been living day to day, not knowing for sure how long he would be with us, but praying that it would be until he is old an gray. Elijah turning 10 is a huge deal. We have been truly blessed.
Right after Elijah's birthday, Hannah will be 18!! How the heck did THAT sneak up on me? 18 is basically an adult - ugh. I'm old. I'm so proud of her. She will be graduating from high school in May and then it's off to college.
The next few weeks are going to feel like a whirlwind of activity. Birthdays, Holiday Parties, work, getting settled in the house and then Christmas. The day after Christmas we fly to Philadelphia for testing and to meet with Dr. Maris.
Elijah just finished his 18th round of this drug. He's been on the same medication for over a year. That's amazing. In the wee hours of the morning today, he had some pain. Woke up crying with pain in one of his legs. I can't adequately describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he has pain like this. It's terrifying. Even though we know that he ALWAYS has some sort of pain issues after he finishes a cycle of this drug, the thought of disease progression is always there. Thankfully pain meds got everything under control and today he is just fine.
Britt and I made a list of our wishes and goals for 2010. I don't think I attained a single one. I need to find my list and work on my list for 2011. The dynamics of my life, friendships, and priorities changed over the past year. My list for 2011 may be completely different than it was last year. I know first and foremost will be to make my health a priority.. spiritual, physical, marital, and mental health.
I am excited for Christmas, but this month is so busy. I really am ready for December to be over before it's even started.

It's wrong to be tired

I was able to see a neuroblastoma mom friend today at the hospital in Philadelphia. I haven't seen her since last January. Even though we've only met once in person, I feel as though we are friends. It's crazy how cancer does that. We talked a bit about "survivor guilt". As a parent of a cancer patient, we do experience it, crazy as it may sound. Seriously, who should ever feel guilty that their child is alive? No one. I don't so much think it's guilt over my child being alive as opposed to some of my friends whose children we have mourned. You know, sometimes I get really tired and irritated! That's what I feel guilty about. How can I complain about flying all day and being tired when I'm flying to someplace that's keeping my son with me? I know my friend who lost her daughter a few years ago would trade places with me in a heartbeat and gladly go through some long days just to be with her daughter again. How can I bitch about being tired? We come to the hospital every week for labs. I have to give Elijah shots for several days in a row each month. We fly to Philadelphia every 6 weeks. I miss tons of work. Woe.Is.Me. In this world of kids with cancer, there are three places you can be: Done with treatment and living a "normal" life (life is NEVER normal after a cancer diagnosis), still in treatment and in the fight, or you've lost your child and are learning to live again, as impossible as that sounds. Even though I whine from time to time and I complain about being tired, I am so thankful to still be in this fight. I will continue to do it forever, if that's what it takes. I am 100% positive that Britt will say the same thing. Our lives are not what we pictured - but it is ours and we embrace it. Normal is just different for us, that's all. REALLY different.

timing

Why is it that when I want to write in my blog, it's always late at night after I am already under the influence of ambien? Makes no sense to me - so this will probably make no sense to anyone who actually reads my blog.
A lot going on. We have found a home. Praise God! It's pretty close to the house of my dreams. (pretty close) It has so much personality. I love it. I feel at home there already. it's one of those things where I don't want to put all of my ugly, old, scratched up furniture in it because I think the house is too nice for my crap. Does that sound bad? I went and bought a slip cover for my sofa because this sofa is pretty ragged. It's got spots on it where its all sun faded and just looks terrible. The slipcover helped, really it did. I would much rather have a couch that it's obvious is slip covered, than have a couch that looks like ass. I need to get a nice rug for the living room. I have no idea how to shop for stuff like this. If I had hundreds of dollars and could go just buy everything matching, I would.. but I don't. I will just have to make do with what I can find and hope that my house doesn't continue to look like I live at a yard sale. So.. I need a rug and a comfy chair for the living room. I've been stalking Craigslist to see if just the right thing will pop up. I'm sure it will.
I'm going to have to get Hannah a new comforter for her bed, Thankfully one at Target that she loves - so that will be easy. Not so easy is options for some art on her wall. She is ready for a grown up room, but something sort of whimsical. Her walls are kind of a mocha color and her comforter is white. I need something with a splash of color that would look really sophisticated but fun too. Any suggestions? I'm not opposed to doing something myself - Budget is definitely in consideration...
Elijah's room will already be cool. He has his shark stuff and now wants to add a few things from his newest obsession; The Beatles. Elijah LOVES the Beatles. He's been listening to them non stop for weeks now. I'll be on the lookout for a Beatles poster for his room. I may have to order one on line.
I can't wait to get the rest of the house finished and be in there! It's going to be fantastic! I have a huge kitchen that I will be able to cook in! yay!!! My focus is going to be on preparing family meals that I can make ahead - that save time but are nutritiuous too. Maybe I'll start blogging about it. I thought about seeing if a friend of mine wanted to come over one afternoon and we could cook three meals and then split them.
I am trying really hard to be positive right now because the thing with the house just fell in to place perfectly. I'm trying to be positive, but sometimes my inner pessimest just gets the best of me.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can readjust my medication or switch completely. I have been mean as a snake on this drug. Just angry and "persecuted". It's not just that side effect, but I'm dealing with a few others as well. I've felt sick nearly every day for weeks now - and my hair is falling out. Thankfully I have really thick hair so no one would really notice unless they had their hands in my hair at some point. I would say that I've lost maybe a third of my hair in the past two weeks. Barrettes that I would have to struggle to get closed because of my thick hair - Are now loose and have hair falling out because it's not tight enough to hold itself in. It takes me a fraction of the time to dry my hair. at first I thought it was my imagination. It's not like Elijah's hair falling out - this is gradual and not obvious. I find tons of hair in the bathtub, on my clothes, in my sink. If I run my fingers through my hair, most times I come back with five or six strands. It's awful! Of course I try to self diagnose. It could be thyroid, it could be iron deficiency, it could be medication, it could be poor diet, it could be stress.. just pick one. Maybe I should suggest to Dr. Felton that he get one of those spinning wheels like they have on Price is Right.. Put a bunch of possible diagnoses on there and just let me spin. I think it would always be weighted on "you don't sleep well and you are under too much stress".. no shit.
Okay.. super bitchy Dawn is starting to take over the keyboard, so I had better go to bed.
tomorrow I'd like to talk about why I think teenagers are stupid sometimes.

No complaining here..

It's nearly time to go to bed. Elijah's been in bed for over an hour and a half. Yay! Britt and I could use this time to talk or whatever, but I'm doing homework (okay,so I'm really blogging now) and he is working on a project for work. It will really be time for sleep soon.
Elijah's school is doing the huge yard sale on Saturday. I've decided that it's stupid for me to feel paranoid and think that people percieve us as greedy and not really in need. I think that's how I feel about certain other families, and it's projecting on to my own situations. I don't think that people think of us like that because we've never given them reason to. I really am excited about the sale! I would be even if it weren't for our family. ha! I so wish I could come out and help, but I have to take a test on Saturday and will be gone from 8 to 1. The sale will be over by the time I am finished - but perhaps I can help "hem things up" when I am finished with class.
I am praying that this is the last crazy week for a while. It seems like so much going on with school and so much going on with work and then silly me signs up to work a lot of extra at the hospital. I need calgon! I actually need to move to a bigger house with a full size bathtub so I can enjoy some calgon.. Our bathtub isn't full sized. (really.. it's not my rear.. I promise.. it's the bathtub)
We are looking for a house. Going tomorrow to see a possibility. We want to know if they will lower the rent for a longer lease period. We shall see. Lovely house.. Perfect neighborhood. I'm praying. It doesn't have a fenced in backyard, but that can be easily fixed - or Bay can just go on a tether when he's outside. no worries.
I think I have decided to go ahead and apply for nursing school in the spring. What can it hurt, right? I either get in or I don't. That's the way I look at it. I need to at least try and stop being such a dang chicken. I can do the work.
Okay. signing off. I'm tired - and a bit manic, so I better go to bed.

Celebrity Gossip

I don't know why I continue to be so intrigued by celebrity gossip! It makes me crazy! I am now following the Real Housewives of New Jersey (all but Danielle because she's nasty and frankly sort of scares me). I follow a few others too. Pink (she's very funny)and I think i follow Justin Timberlake. I definitely follow The Pioneerwoman because I want to be like her. The rest of them, I don't understand what my fascination is!!! It's not like I think we can become friends or anything and I do NOT want what they have. Britt and I were talking earlier. I think Theresa from RHW drives a beautiful Escalade. You know what else has to ride in that car with her everywhere she goes? A little monster called "11 Million Dollars in Debt". No thanks. You can keep the big house, designer clothes, lovely parties and the big car.. I think I would be locked up in a mental institution if I had the stress of that much debt on my shoulders - so I wouldn't get to enjoy a bit of it anyway. Gads! It makes my ulcer flare up just to think about it!
I used to follow Kirstie Alley, but she tweets constantly and most of them are conversations that should be done over email, so I stopped following her.
I wish Britney Spears dad would get a hold of Lindsey Lohan and run her life for a few months. Maybe he could get her back on track the way he did Brit. I just really don't think Lindsey has hit bottom yet.. which is really scary.
This might sound strange, but I think mostly I like to follow what goes on with the celebrities because I feel sorry for them. I would never want the life that they have. Not their own, you know? Don't get me wrong.. I would love to be an actress - and be in a film or a play. (I used to do that when I was a kid.. not films but plays) I wouldn't want to be famous though. I'd rather just be happily mildly successful, respected, and financially sufficient. Does that make sense? I wish I could write a book. I wouldn't even know where to start though. How cool would that be? To be a well known author - people could just know your name and not really know your face. Awesome. Maybe I will do that. Any topics of interest for a new book? I'll just take requests.

Home Alone - but not really.

Britt is gone tonight. He's doing the second part of a sleep study. I've been after him for a while about having a sleep study done because he stops breathing when he sleeps. He is exhausted all the time and just feels run down. I think our poor eating and exercising habits have a large part to do with it, but I also think he has sleep apnea. I have to diagnose everybody - I think it's a sickness.
So I was just about right with my timeline of how long I thought we'd stay in the condo. The smallness of it has us all on edge. I say all of us, I don't think Elijah minds it one bit. It's not like he's a big "play out in the yard" kind of kid anyway. He has his computer, his directv, and a whole bunch of books and activities. He is happy. He doesn't care that he shares a room with his 17 year old sister. She's only home once a week and she sleeps on the top bunk. It doesn't bother him that we only have one bathroom because he usually gets first dibs when he needs it. He hates to take a bath so the bathroom is just a necessity for him.
If we were true minimalists and didn't have pets, condo living would be just fine. We just have too much crap. I know. I sound like a broken record.. whine.
I have started looking at houses to rent. I found one yesterday that I think I like, but they want to rent it right away. We don't plan on moving until mid October so that one was out of the question. Britt and I decided that if it was still there when we got ready to move, then maybe it was meant to be. If not, we're sure God has something perfect in mind for us. Thankfully the moving process will be much easier since the good majority of our stuff is in storage. What we have in the condo can be moved with one good u-haul load.
I wish I could just give away our couch and coffee table and get a new one. That's definitely not in the budget though.
Elijah's school is doing a huge yard sale as a fundraiser for our family to help pay for expenses related to Elijah's treatment. I was talking to a friend the other day about what all the basic expenses we incur just from one trip to Philadelphia. I think she was a bit shocked. We get help with mine and Elijah's plane tickets - which is awesome and we are so thankful for that. I don't know how we would make it without that assistance. Well, we couldn't truthfully. We'd probably have to move to Philadelphia. Anyway.. I digress. The little stuff really adds up. When you figure in just checking our bags, cab from the airport to the Ronald Mcdonald House and then back again, plus a few cab fares to the hospital, staying at Ronald McDonald house, (it's only $15 a night to stay at RMH in Philly and you get free dinner, so that really balances out) and airport parking, we are already looking at over $200. That's not figuring in any food at all. We really and truly try to budget our money on our trips as much as we can, but there's no way getting around some of the expenses. So.. what I am saying is that the fundraiser from Elijah's school is such a huge blessing.
We are truly blessed. We both have cars that run, a roof over our heads, and we both have jobs. Our kids never go without and we definitely don't go hungry. There are so many that can't say that. Hannah works really hard and honestly takes care of herself most of the time. Have you seen her lovely pageant and prom gowns?? She worked at the formal gown store and paid for those herself. We have amazing family and friends that support us and always make sure that we have what we need. We have our trials, but honestly, Elijah is the one who faces the most challenges. I whine and complain and bitch - but Elijah lives with the pain, the insecurity and the fear every day. He is the one who deals with all of this with the strength of a superhero. God gives him his strength and helps carry us. Honestly.
Okay.. I'm tired. I still have to give Elijah his shot and do tons of reading for American Literature. (It really seems like a history class. I'm not enjoying it)

Well, YUCK

got the word today from my physical. My cholesterol is good but my triglycerides are high. Dr. F recommends Milk Thistle for that. I am vitamin D deficient - so I get to take a vitamin D supplement. Nice.. And here is the fun stuff. I am pre-diabetic. (and now for the collective, "duh") I need to try and lose some weight and get some exercise and then go back to see Dr. F in 4 months to check my sugar again. I read today that a vitamin d def. can affect your blood sugar. Mine is probably just from eating crap and not getting enough exercise. That and lovelies like chocolate pudding cake and homemade blackberry ice cream. It's all Britt's fault!!!! ha.. just kidding. Scary stuff. How much more do I need to try and scare me in to getting my life together? ugh.
I'm getting a lot done at work this week. It feels good to be sort of getting caught up with stuff. I just need to keep up the momentum. I have cooked dinner four nights in a row now.. wow. It's getting better..I'm getting the house cleaner.. Praying the laundry fairy shows herself soon though.