Someone posted something the other day about a "bucket list". They were asking people to share three things on their bucket list. It got me to thinking - I don't have a bucket list. I figured right away that I had plenty of things on my list of things that I wanted to do, see, or have.. why not just start that list and call it my bucket list? So that's what I did. So far I have 38 things on my bucket list. If I can get to 50, I think I will be satisfied with that. They are not in order of importance or in order of how they will be accomplished. Just 38 (hopefully soon to be 50) random things that I would like to experience in my life. Some materialistic, some selfless, and some just plain ole fun.
1. lose 70 pounds
2. Run a 5K
3. See a play on Broadway
4. Own a nice car (Mine have always been yucky)
5. Put my life story in writing
6. Renew my vows and have a wedding (preferably with Britt)
7. Snow Ski - just once!
8. Learn to cook Beef Wellington
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a Cruise.. doesn't have to be a long one. a 3 day would do.
11. Learn and become good at Yoga
12. Own a diamond ring
13. own a string of pearls
14. visit Europe
15. Play Tennis
16. Develop a personal sense of style
17. Find a career that I would love
18. Have a very best friend.
19. Get another tattoo
20. Create a piece of art
21. Own a large Elizabeth Weber painting
22. Learn to meditate
23. Take a trip with Hannah
24. Develop a stronger and more brave faith
25. Be more environmentally aware in our home
26. Help someone truly in need - change someones life for the better
27. Be in a small play
28. spend more time with kim, sue and Jessica
29. Keep my house clean for a whole year
30. Get Britt to draw me something
31. Camp at the Grand Canyon
32. See Mt. Rushmore
33. Take a vacation that's not cancer related
34. Learn Spanish
35. Take a ballroom dance class
36. Snorkel
37. Become a morning person
38. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
So there's my list. It doesn't have things like shave my head or help find a cure for cancer.. those are things already on my list... things in the works now. So.. if you know of someone who could help me to start marking any of these things off my list, let me know. :) Some of them are actually quite doable.
The Bucket List
What can I say?
Sometimes I feel as though I'm making positive steps toward change, and then other times I feel like crippling depression is holding me so far down that i can't catch my breath. I decided not to attend school this semester. I'm going to take a break from it for a great while, actually. I know that I am over 40 and that finishing school has been a goal of mine for a long time, but I just can't get my heart in to it right now. I can't focus, I can't absorb, and I can't keep up. I'm so tired of doing everything half-assed. I actually feel good about my decision. Have had no regrets about it at all. That may change in a few months, but oh well. What do you do? For now, it was the best thing for me.
Britt and I are trying to detox our diet right now. It's been tough, but I've lost 5 pounds in less than a week, so I guess it's worth it. I have cheated a tiny bit here and there, but nothing drastic. I haven't had a diet coke in 5 days - which is a major feat for me. I hope I can stay off of it for good. I've had the habit for 25 years, so it's not easy to kick.
We are looking for a new church. We are visiting one tomorrow that seems to be drawing me in. Maybe it's God telling me that's where I need to be right now. I have to have something positive and uplifting to fill this void I feel. I know that God can do it.. I just have to let him.
I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning. As much as I convince myself it's because of my diet or lack of exercise, I know it's the depression getting worse. I haven't been taking my antidepressants like I should - even though I know they help. I don't know why I haven't been. Mostly because I forget. You'd think lying in bed feeling like your world is about to come crashing down around you would be enough of a reminder to take a dang pill. I will start back with them tomorrow. I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist - but can't get in to see anyone for 6-8 weeks. How crazy is that? I am thankful that I am not one of those people who wants to hurt myself (or someone else).. Having to wait that long is ridiculous. What saddens me is that there are that many people dealing with mental illness, that you can't get an appointment for such a long time.
I want to be happy. I want to have adventures. I want to be healthy. I don't want to avoid my friends because I would rather crawl in to bed and watch movies on the computer. I want to cook and enjoy my family. I want to feel motivated. Life is good right now - and I really want to enjoy it. I'm tired of avoiding everything.
Happiness
This past Saturday marked my 41st Birthday. In spite of the fact that the pedicure guy asked my sister if I was her mother.. In spite of the fact that I think I've gained 10 pounds and am so swollen and puffy... In spite of the fact that my face is broken out like a 15 year old boy..In spite of the fact that I have gray hair running amok.. I was happier this weekend than I can remember being in a very long time. I loved it. I spent time with my family and a few of my dear friends.. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt, I ate great food, saw a wonderful movie, was pampered and spoiled.. did I mention that I ate great food? Wow.. My kids played together at the park and I enjoyed seeing them both laugh and smile so much. That's what life is all about, right there. Yesterday was lazy. We went for our third visit to a church we've been considering and then came home. We didn't leave the house for the rest of the day. I think 3 times is enough to make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue going someplace. I think we've decided that it's not for us and will move on to a different church now.
I am drinking my one diet coke of the day. I am back to using myfitnesspal again and need to get on some sort of exercise routine. I'm just scared of all of the hills in our neighborhood (and really don't want anyone seeing my fat self try to run during the day)
This upcoming weekend will be mine and Britt's 12th wedding anniversary. I think that's a pretty big deal! I can't imagine that someone would put up with me for 12 years. I love that man.. I think I'll keep him.
Snow Days
We've had lovely snow here in Little Rock for the past couple of days. Elijah really enjoyed it. He isn't one of those kids that will get out in the snow and stay out until you force him to come back in. He just goes out in spurts. He will stay outside and play for 10 or 15 minutes and then come in to take a break. Granted, he will want to do this 7 or 8 times, but I think it's better than staying out all day. Britt has had a fire going in the wood stove so the pets have taken up residence on that side of the house and have barely moved. It's pretty funny, actually.
So I know that I mentioned in my last blog entry that we were looking for a new church and I know I said that I probably wouldn't blog about losing my best friend - but the two are a bit related, so I guess I will blog about it. I am not for airing dirty laundry on social media nor am I going to talk badly about anyone on the internet (not anyone that I know, anyway) but I will give the basic outline.
Recently I felt verbally attacked by my (now former) best friends wife. She said some things to me that were really hurtful, but basically expressed what her true feelings were for me - so good on her for being honest, right? She ended the conversation with a threat and then followed up by telling her husband that I said some things that I never said. During the conversation she told me that my life was miserable and that I was mean and venomous. Okay.. So.. Marriage comes first and alliance should always be with your spouse. That's just how I feel. So I think it's best to remove my self from the situation.
Here is the rub.. We had been thinking of possibly finding another church home. We love the church we have been attending but felt as though we really wanted to be more involved and wanted Elijah to be motivated to learn and connect. So far, where we were he hasn't. He loved the people there but had zero interest in getting involved in any of the children's activities - which means it's hard for Britt and I to get involved in any of the adult activities. My friends wife works there so us being on the outs made it a bit easier for us to make the decision to start looking elsewhere. I don't want to be in any uncomfortable situations - especially at church. Avoidance is often how I cope.. I will own that.
so.. we have visited a couple of lovely churches. One Methodist and one not. We enjoyed both of them, but let me say this. Visiting multiple new churches around Christmas is NOT a good way to see what normal services are going to be like. We went to three different churches around Christmas. We heard the same songs at all three and heard the same message at all three. Granted, delivery and environment were all distinctly different but the overall message was the same. You can't really go and change up the story, can you? So.. we will try again. I worked last Sunday and am working again this upcoming. One of the churches we liked has a Monday night service and another we were thinking about has a Saturday night service..
Britt and I really want to make some positive changes this year. I think the way to start with that is to establish a stronger relationship with God. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ - but I want a deeper and stronger relationship with them. I want God to guide and control my life - not me. I'm obviously not doing such a great job controlling it, so it's time for Him to take over.
I am trying to let go of the hard feelings I have had for years. I don't have any hatred in my heart anymore and really just want happiness and peace. Honestly, I want to be able to just completely let all negativity go, put myself in God's hands, and move on with my life. But I'll still be avoiding some people.... for my own sanity. :)
Happy New Year
I haven't been updating my blog lately. I honestly just haven't felt like it. I feel like all I do is whine on here. I thought, "No one wants to read about you feeling sorry for yourself all the time!" Then I realized that my blog only has two followers anyway, so I might as well say whatever the heck I want, right? Who cares?
We were in Philly just after Christmas and got to play in the snow. It was fun and pretty for about 5 minutes, then I was over it.
Classes start for me next week. It should be my last semester. I hope and pray it's my last semester! I have some demanding classes so I am really going to have to buckle down. My GPA is in the toilet right now. I had a 4.0 my first semester back in school. There really isn't a reason I shouldn't still be doing well. Laziness, I suppose.
So I've made my list of goals for 2011. Some I guess you could say are resolutions. They include the usual "get in better shape and lose weight" stuff that I have on my list of everyday woes and gripes. My list also includes developing a deeper relationship with God and getting to a point where Britt and I are comfortable praying together. I want to focus more on my marriage and spend more time with Hannah. I want to finish my stupid associates degree and eliminate stuff that I don't use/need. I want to make my bed every day and keep my sink shiny. I also want a new couch and to get off the carbonated beverages. (Celebrities go to rehab for everything under the sun.. WHY don't they have a rehab for Diet Coke?)
My hair is growing out.. I'm actually liking having long hair again. I will get to enjoy it for about 9 more months and then it's all being shaved off.. I'm going to shave my head completely bald. I'm part of the 46 Mommas this year.. a group of moms from across the country that raise funds and then shave their heads. I'm excited, but nervous.
That's it from me for now. I have a lot more to say, but it will have to wait for another day. We are looking for a new church home - the few we have visited are worthy of a blog entry or two. I lost my best friend - looking for a new one of those too (doubt I will blog about that though) I am forever on the quest for organization and order.. I think 2011 may actually be the year that I get there.
So much...
Quite a bit going on since my last blog entry. We are steadily working on getting our house in order. I love this house!! It's not huge, but is so roomy and full of personality. We could be happy here for a long time.
We had family over here for Thanksgiving. Our first time having company over other than to just say hello since we've moved in. It was nice - but a reminder that I still haven't figured out where everything should be for maximum efficiency just yet. I also think I'm missing a couple of kitchen boxes - because I couldn't find a few things. Britt made an amazing turkey (that I couldn't eat) and we had the other normal turkey day staples. After dinner a couple of Hannah's friends hung out and played a board game with us. It was tons of fun. I think Elijah really enjoyed himself.
Elijah will turn 10 years old in just a few days. It's so hard to believe. For more than 5 years we have been living day to day, not knowing for sure how long he would be with us, but praying that it would be until he is old an gray. Elijah turning 10 is a huge deal. We have been truly blessed.
Right after Elijah's birthday, Hannah will be 18!! How the heck did THAT sneak up on me? 18 is basically an adult - ugh. I'm old. I'm so proud of her. She will be graduating from high school in May and then it's off to college.
The next few weeks are going to feel like a whirlwind of activity. Birthdays, Holiday Parties, work, getting settled in the house and then Christmas. The day after Christmas we fly to Philadelphia for testing and to meet with Dr. Maris.
Elijah just finished his 18th round of this drug. He's been on the same medication for over a year. That's amazing. In the wee hours of the morning today, he had some pain. Woke up crying with pain in one of his legs. I can't adequately describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he has pain like this. It's terrifying. Even though we know that he ALWAYS has some sort of pain issues after he finishes a cycle of this drug, the thought of disease progression is always there. Thankfully pain meds got everything under control and today he is just fine.
Britt and I made a list of our wishes and goals for 2010. I don't think I attained a single one. I need to find my list and work on my list for 2011. The dynamics of my life, friendships, and priorities changed over the past year. My list for 2011 may be completely different than it was last year. I know first and foremost will be to make my health a priority.. spiritual, physical, marital, and mental health.
I am excited for Christmas, but this month is so busy. I really am ready for December to be over before it's even started.
It's wrong to be tired
I was able to see a neuroblastoma mom friend today at the hospital in Philadelphia. I haven't seen her since last January. Even though we've only met once in person, I feel as though we are friends. It's crazy how cancer does that. We talked a bit about "survivor guilt". As a parent of a cancer patient, we do experience it, crazy as it may sound. Seriously, who should ever feel guilty that their child is alive? No one. I don't so much think it's guilt over my child being alive as opposed to some of my friends whose children we have mourned. You know, sometimes I get really tired and irritated! That's what I feel guilty about. How can I complain about flying all day and being tired when I'm flying to someplace that's keeping my son with me? I know my friend who lost her daughter a few years ago would trade places with me in a heartbeat and gladly go through some long days just to be with her daughter again. How can I bitch about being tired? We come to the hospital every week for labs. I have to give Elijah shots for several days in a row each month. We fly to Philadelphia every 6 weeks. I miss tons of work. Woe.Is.Me. In this world of kids with cancer, there are three places you can be: Done with treatment and living a "normal" life (life is NEVER normal after a cancer diagnosis), still in treatment and in the fight, or you've lost your child and are learning to live again, as impossible as that sounds. Even though I whine from time to time and I complain about being tired, I am so thankful to still be in this fight. I will continue to do it forever, if that's what it takes. I am 100% positive that Britt will say the same thing. Our lives are not what we pictured - but it is ours and we embrace it. Normal is just different for us, that's all. REALLY different.