This time, I think I'm finally ready. I'm serious. I mean it. It's 12:24 in the morning. I am angry and fed up and I'm through playing around with all of this crap. Tomorrow things are different. When I wake up, things will be different. The change will be evident over a bit of time. It's past time though. I'm ready. Bring it!!!
For Sale
Our house is on the market. "For Sale" sign in the yard and everything. woo hoo! Although I am not excited at the prospect of having to load up our pets and get them out of here so strangers can walk through our house, I am ready to start the process of selling this house and moving on. I will be getting my wish of downsizing in a month or so. I may be regretting it when we are all crammed in to a small three bedroom house someplace!! We have had more room that we needed here, but have grown accustomed to the space. I am hoping that all of our stays in one room at the Ronald McDonald House will have done a bit of good in preparing us for this. Less space to keep clean, less space to heat and cool, less space to have to pay for. I just hope and pray we can find a rental that fits in our budget, will let us have our pets, and is clean and nice. Asking for a lot, huh?
Classes started last week. It seems like right off the bat I have a ton of reading to do. I need to spend my entire afternoon reading. I love to read, so it's not really an issue. I just find that I keep falling asleep while I am reading lately! I guess that's what you do when you get this close to 40! ha ha.
My 40th birthday is in less than 2 weeks. I'd like to have a birthday party simply because I can't remember the last time I had one other than with the kids and Britt. I don't know. Is it selfish to want a birthday party? I mean, I don't want one so bad that I am going to plan it myself and invite folks over or anything.
Elijah is doing really well. He has felt better over the past few days than he has in weeks, I think.
I guess I am going to make up with Jillian Michaels and start the 30 day shred over this evening. ugh. I dread it, but I hate being fat and out of shape.
It's what time already????
Okay. It seems like we just got home and now it's MIDNIGHT! Seriously?? I don't understand how this happens. Really, I guess I do. We have a million errands to run after work and it ends up not getting us home til 9pm. Then we have things around here to do and before we know it - it's midnight. All I can think of is "oh crap, I have to get up early tomorrow to take Elijah to the dentist". Then I remember how pleasant he is to get up early in the morning. YIPES. Fun day for me tomorrow.
Britt got me a new bucky for Christmas. Bucky makes the "40 blinks mask". It's the best in the world. It's really light and has a shape that creates a seal around your eyes, but has room so that your eyes can move. He got one for me a couple of years ago and I LOVED it. It really makes sleeping in the hospital easier. There are tons of lights - and people who open doors in the middle of the night to let light in - so for someone like me who prefers to sleep in a dark room, this little mask is a life saver. well - I got a new one and I am super excited! I am going to wear it tonight. I just wish I had a snazzy new nightgown to go with it! Hannah gave me some amazing lotion for Chistmas - so my new bucky, my lotion, and a comfortable night gown are about to hit the pillow. All that's missing is an electric blanket and one of those bedtime noise machines that plays ocean sounds. ha ha!
Goals, Not Resolutions
I can't believe is 2010 already. Wow. Time flies. Hannah said the other day "Mom, for my next birthday, I think I want to sky dive". I calmly replied, "Hannah, you can't sky dive until you are 18". "uh, Mom,I will be 18 on my next birthday." oh crap! How could this happen? How could she be so close to alleged adulthood? Elijah is 9 years old now! It seems like he was just born a couple of years ago!
I wish I could sit here and reflect on how wonderful the past year was. Truth is, it wasn't all that great. It's been a whirlwind of travel between home and Philadelphia. Elijah's disease returned again this year and we have been in heavier battle than I think we ever have. I think this past year of treatment has been harder on him than the first year of chemo was. He's frustrated and irritated. I can't say that I blame him. We've had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil this year. Not just from Elijah's treatment and the search for the right drug, but from some other sources as well. I do think, however, that while it has been challenging and heartbreaking, we've handled things okay. While I say 2009 hasn't been great - it hasn't been all bad either. We have done some pretty amazing things this year. We had a great summer hanging out by the pool. Elijah had a wonderful time at camp. We attended a fabulous conference in Chicago. Elijah was featured in a local magazine, on a Philadelphia news station, in numerous things for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, and in CHOP's annual report. We were able to attend a professional hockey game in Philly. Elijah rode in a limo for his birthday and met Tony Luke, Jr. We've spent lots of time with our dear friends in Philadelphia. We've come to call a major city our second home. Elijah has had the most amazing class for 3rd grade and an awesome cubscout troop. We learned much about our finances and our goals for the future. It's definitely been a year of learning for us - and that's not a bad thing.
I have some goals for 2010. First and foremost is our continued search for the right medicine that will keep Elijah's disease in check and let him be as much of a normal little boy as possible. Second is to finish my associates degree - long overdue. (then maybe I will figure out what to be when I grow up - until then, I am not stressing over it) I want to sell our house and get out from under the pressure of homeownership. I know that sounds crazy, but it's one thing that we can eliminate for now. I would like to actually be able to take a vacation this year. We are gone so much - but all of it is for treatment or is cancer related. I want a weekend away with my husband.. Just one. We haven't done that in what seems like forever. I think before Elijah got sick, actually. That was over 4 years ago. I have many other things I want to do in 2010. Most involve being a better mom and wife. Spending more good quality time with my kids. Less time on facebook. More time with friends. I am working on being more aware - of everything.