Elijah has gotten back in to the habit of not wanting to be in a room by himself again. If he is in the den, he wants someone with him. If he is upstairs, he wants someone with him. It's 1am and he is still awake. His sleeping habits are horrible and I really don't know how to adjust them. He seems to have so much anxiety. With our other kids, if they were up too late one night, I could just get them up early in the morning and after a full day of being tired, they would go to sleep just fine the next night and things would be back to normal. I just can't bring myself to do that to Elijah. He needs his rest so badly - that I would rather let him sleep in - but then the whole miserable cycle starts back up again. I am praying that we will be done with tpn after tonight -and neupogen shots.. and we can sort of try to have a normal schedule next week. As normal as can be for us, that is.
Britt and I are supposed to go to the Lemon Ball in Philly for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation. The dress if formal. (duh.. it's a ball) I must find real spanx and a decent gown. I have no idea where to even look. A friend found a steal at name brand 1/2 of 1/2. Maybe I will go there and see if they have one size fits texas. part of my dilemma is that I hate shoes. most shoes make my feet hurt. I think, actually, it's my fat self that my poor feet are trying to support that make them hurt , but I would prefer to blame the pain on the shoes. :) So.. over the next week, I need to find a dress, get Britt a tux, get my hair colored and nails done. I may even tan a bit so I won't look like the white tundra.. ha
Okay, so serious question. I am a brunette. I have a lot of facial hair and hair on my arms. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced a method of getting rid of said body hair, or at least making it's appearance not so, how do I say, hairy monkey-ish? I must think about this. I would prefer to look lovely for this gala. I am stuck being fat, so I might as well embrace it and do the best with what I got, right? yep.
Diet research is currently underway. I will give a full report with what I have concluded next week.
up late
Map Maker
I have decided that I need to employ someone to map out my life for me. I want everything mapped out.
1. Map out how to get my house organized and clean. After that I want a daily, weekly, monthly list of what I need to do in order to keep in clean. For example. Monday, vacuum floors, clean litter box, do 2 loads of laundry,. Day 2.. etc. etc. Tasks to do every day to keep things on track so my house isn't constantly messy.
2. I would like a map for a personal care routine. I am about to be 40 years old. I would like to be told that in the morning, I need to do A, B & C to my skin. I need to do C. to my hair and then d. to put my make up on and look put together. at night, I need to do D, E & F. for maximum pretty impact.
3. I would like someone to map out exactly what I need to eat every day for two weeks so that I can be healthy. I am tired and lazy and fat and haven't the energy to come up with an interesting meal plan to get things started. I can do the work. I just want pointed in the right direction!!!
4. I would like a fitness coach. I am thinking that either Wii fit or Julian Michaels is doing to fit the bill quite nicely on this one - so I have this covered.
5. I need a style map. I need for someone to pick out five outfits that look nice on me and have some style other than "fat librarian" or "challenged kid that lives down the street".. those seem to be my general themes for attire as of late.
Sick of being the fat chick living in a messy house. UGH. I know I have enough other things to worry with, but our lives are getting away from us. How sad is this: We were playing rock band with Elijah. My character is this really cool rocker chick. She has asymetrical hair. It's purple and has a big long white stripe in it. Now.. how sad is it that I have passed the point in my life where i could actually do that and be cool? And get my cartilage pierced? Can I still do that and not be a total dork? I need to get rid of my butt and thighs so i can wear short skirts with tights and boots!!!! I can still be a really good cancer mom and work on being healthy and cute, can't I? I think I can. So.. if anyone wants to map out my other things, including product suggestions, I would appreciate it. I have oily skin - just in case. ha!
Boxing Day
I am thankful that the stress that goes along with Christmas is over, but am sad that the Holiday is gone now. Britt and I had a really hard time getting in the spirit this year. It was just hard with Elijah being in the hospital until Christmas Eve. We typically do most of our shopping together and weren't able to do that. Christmas Eve dinner was prepared for our family by someone else - which was so nice, but strange. We didn't decorate much this year because we are trying to sell the house and didn't want to drag too much out. It just didn't feel like Christmas. I have to say though, our kids were thoroughly pleased with their gifts. Elijah is rocking out downstairs on Rock Band that Santa brought him. The look on Hannah's face when she opened her gifts was priceless and Britt did an amazing job with gift getting for me. I am spoiled! I didn't do so hot shopping for him this year. They just didn't have anything in the hospital gift shop I thought he would like! ha ha Perhaps I will make it up to him for our anniversary.. hmmmm..
Next year we are going to adopt the "three gift Christmas" policy. In our family we will only get three gifts each. The Baby Jesus only got three gifts.. why should we get more when it's HIS birthday? Just sayin.
Ramblings of a crazy sleep deprived Mom
I am growing increasingly irritated with other people right now. Not over anything different they are doing or anything negative they have done to me. Just in general. I feel as if my "filter" needs to be changed or it's going to completely stop working. There was a girl working up here on the floor last night. I've never seen her before. She looks to be probably in her 40's - maybe late 40's. Way too much fake tanner and way too much fun with a bump-it. It was almost to the point of comical. How terrible is it of me that I wanted to say something to her??? I wanted to tell her that trying to look like a 20 year old was not attractive. It was terrible.
I came in contact with a woman this week that I think is probably one of the biggest snobs I have ever met. Now.. I am far from wealthy.. I am just a step away from a mobile home park sometimes... but I run in some circles through charity work and other things that put me in the company of some very affluent people. I have a couple of friends that live in houses most of us only dream of. These people are some of the least snobby people in the world. This girl.. ugh.. I really just wanted to look at her and tell her "I think you are an unbelievable snob" but I fear she would take that as a compliment! It's not, my friend. You don't seem to exhibit qualities that I would ever want to have. You are not envied - not by me anyway.
My filter grows weaker and weaker as I get older.
I am turning 40 next month. Part of me wishes I could have a big party.. part of me wishes just a few friends could get together and go to dinner. I don't know. I wish I wasn't fat for my 40th.. but I wish I wasn't fat for anything! ha ha.
Cancer complicates everything in our lives. It's impossible to work or schedule anything. We've been in the hospital for 5 days now. We should be at home so Elijah can enjoy our Christmas tree. He should be in school getting ready for Christmas break with his friends. He shouldn't be worrying if he will be in the hospital for Christmas. I haven't done hardly any Christmas shopping. I could leave in the evening when Britt gets here and go do some of it, but I just really don't like leaving the hospital much. I left for a few hours the other night.. and really enjoyed myself, but when I came back I felt as though I had been gone for too long. I will leave for a bit today and go to work - but just for a bit. We have had friends offer to do Christmas shopping for us, but I wouldn't know what to tell them to get.
I think I might get my realtors license next year. Just to have it. Who knows, I might be able to do something with it. I am sure there are a million realtors in Little Rock struggling to make ends meet - why I would want to do that is crazy. Knowing me, I will probably change my mind in the next week or so.
Hospital Stay
We are in the hospital with Elijah. I am sitting on my little couch bed wearing my polka dot pajama pants and my purple "Team Katie" shirt. MaryJo is his nurse tonight. It's really good to have a familiar face taking care of Elijah. One that knows him and knows us. Being here this time is a bit strange. We have all of our normal "at the hospital" gear with us. We've been doing this for a while and though we are out of practice, still have our system down. We are the "old timers" around here now but I wonder if some of these people think we are newly diagnosed because we have a bald kiddo and haven't been seen around here much.
The names of the patients are all unfamiliar. I don't know the faces in the hall or the names on the patient dashboard. As the evening winds down I find myself missing my "cancer croanies". Some of them I am so glad they don't have to stay at the hospital anymore. It means they are done with treatment and are living life to the fullest. Some of them I still wish they still had to come up here because it would mean their kids were still with us.
Elijah isn't talking. His mouth hurts too badly. He has a notepad and is writing me notes. One of them said "I might fall asleep". Another said "No writing on my notepad!". I can always count on him making me laugh. The nurses are all saying they can tell he doesn't feel well because he isn't talking to any of them. He feels okay. His mouth just hurts and he is mad because he wants to eat. Ugh.
We are settled. Watching Annie and prepared to hang out for a couple of days. This might get worse before it gets better.