Map Maker

I have decided that I need to employ someone to map out my life for me. I want everything mapped out.
1. Map out how to get my house organized and clean. After that I want a daily, weekly, monthly list of what I need to do in order to keep in clean. For example. Monday, vacuum floors, clean litter box, do 2 loads of laundry,. Day 2.. etc. etc. Tasks to do every day to keep things on track so my house isn't constantly messy.
2. I would like a map for a personal care routine. I am about to be 40 years old. I would like to be told that in the morning, I need to do A, B & C to my skin. I need to do C. to my hair and then d. to put my make up on and look put together. at night, I need to do D, E & F. for maximum pretty impact.
3. I would like someone to map out exactly what I need to eat every day for two weeks so that I can be healthy. I am tired and lazy and fat and haven't the energy to come up with an interesting meal plan to get things started. I can do the work. I just want pointed in the right direction!!!
4. I would like a fitness coach. I am thinking that either Wii fit or Julian Michaels is doing to fit the bill quite nicely on this one - so I have this covered.
5. I need a style map. I need for someone to pick out five outfits that look nice on me and have some style other than "fat librarian" or "challenged kid that lives down the street".. those seem to be my general themes for attire as of late.
Sick of being the fat chick living in a messy house. UGH. I know I have enough other things to worry with, but our lives are getting away from us. How sad is this: We were playing rock band with Elijah. My character is this really cool rocker chick. She has asymetrical hair. It's purple and has a big long white stripe in it. Now.. how sad is it that I have passed the point in my life where i could actually do that and be cool? And get my cartilage pierced? Can I still do that and not be a total dork? I need to get rid of my butt and thighs so i can wear short skirts with tights and boots!!!! I can still be a really good cancer mom and work on being healthy and cute, can't I? I think I can. So.. if anyone wants to map out my other things, including product suggestions, I would appreciate it. I have oily skin - just in case. ha!