Quite a bit going on since my last blog entry. We are steadily working on getting our house in order. I love this house!! It's not huge, but is so roomy and full of personality. We could be happy here for a long time.
We had family over here for Thanksgiving. Our first time having company over other than to just say hello since we've moved in. It was nice - but a reminder that I still haven't figured out where everything should be for maximum efficiency just yet. I also think I'm missing a couple of kitchen boxes - because I couldn't find a few things. Britt made an amazing turkey (that I couldn't eat) and we had the other normal turkey day staples. After dinner a couple of Hannah's friends hung out and played a board game with us. It was tons of fun. I think Elijah really enjoyed himself.
Elijah will turn 10 years old in just a few days. It's so hard to believe. For more than 5 years we have been living day to day, not knowing for sure how long he would be with us, but praying that it would be until he is old an gray. Elijah turning 10 is a huge deal. We have been truly blessed.
Right after Elijah's birthday, Hannah will be 18!! How the heck did THAT sneak up on me? 18 is basically an adult - ugh. I'm old. I'm so proud of her. She will be graduating from high school in May and then it's off to college.
The next few weeks are going to feel like a whirlwind of activity. Birthdays, Holiday Parties, work, getting settled in the house and then Christmas. The day after Christmas we fly to Philadelphia for testing and to meet with Dr. Maris.
Elijah just finished his 18th round of this drug. He's been on the same medication for over a year. That's amazing. In the wee hours of the morning today, he had some pain. Woke up crying with pain in one of his legs. I can't adequately describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he has pain like this. It's terrifying. Even though we know that he ALWAYS has some sort of pain issues after he finishes a cycle of this drug, the thought of disease progression is always there. Thankfully pain meds got everything under control and today he is just fine.
Britt and I made a list of our wishes and goals for 2010. I don't think I attained a single one. I need to find my list and work on my list for 2011. The dynamics of my life, friendships, and priorities changed over the past year. My list for 2011 may be completely different than it was last year. I know first and foremost will be to make my health a priority.. spiritual, physical, marital, and mental health.
I am excited for Christmas, but this month is so busy. I really am ready for December to be over before it's even started.
So much...
It's wrong to be tired
I was able to see a neuroblastoma mom friend today at the hospital in Philadelphia. I haven't seen her since last January. Even though we've only met once in person, I feel as though we are friends. It's crazy how cancer does that. We talked a bit about "survivor guilt". As a parent of a cancer patient, we do experience it, crazy as it may sound. Seriously, who should ever feel guilty that their child is alive? No one. I don't so much think it's guilt over my child being alive as opposed to some of my friends whose children we have mourned. You know, sometimes I get really tired and irritated! That's what I feel guilty about. How can I complain about flying all day and being tired when I'm flying to someplace that's keeping my son with me? I know my friend who lost her daughter a few years ago would trade places with me in a heartbeat and gladly go through some long days just to be with her daughter again. How can I bitch about being tired? We come to the hospital every week for labs. I have to give Elijah shots for several days in a row each month. We fly to Philadelphia every 6 weeks. I miss tons of work. Woe.Is.Me. In this world of kids with cancer, there are three places you can be: Done with treatment and living a "normal" life (life is NEVER normal after a cancer diagnosis), still in treatment and in the fight, or you've lost your child and are learning to live again, as impossible as that sounds. Even though I whine from time to time and I complain about being tired, I am so thankful to still be in this fight. I will continue to do it forever, if that's what it takes. I am 100% positive that Britt will say the same thing. Our lives are not what we pictured - but it is ours and we embrace it. Normal is just different for us, that's all. REALLY different.
timing
Why is it that when I want to write in my blog, it's always late at night after I am already under the influence of ambien? Makes no sense to me - so this will probably make no sense to anyone who actually reads my blog.
A lot going on. We have found a home. Praise God! It's pretty close to the house of my dreams. (pretty close) It has so much personality. I love it. I feel at home there already. it's one of those things where I don't want to put all of my ugly, old, scratched up furniture in it because I think the house is too nice for my crap. Does that sound bad? I went and bought a slip cover for my sofa because this sofa is pretty ragged. It's got spots on it where its all sun faded and just looks terrible. The slipcover helped, really it did. I would much rather have a couch that it's obvious is slip covered, than have a couch that looks like ass. I need to get a nice rug for the living room. I have no idea how to shop for stuff like this. If I had hundreds of dollars and could go just buy everything matching, I would.. but I don't. I will just have to make do with what I can find and hope that my house doesn't continue to look like I live at a yard sale. So.. I need a rug and a comfy chair for the living room. I've been stalking Craigslist to see if just the right thing will pop up. I'm sure it will.
I'm going to have to get Hannah a new comforter for her bed, Thankfully one at Target that she loves - so that will be easy. Not so easy is options for some art on her wall. She is ready for a grown up room, but something sort of whimsical. Her walls are kind of a mocha color and her comforter is white. I need something with a splash of color that would look really sophisticated but fun too. Any suggestions? I'm not opposed to doing something myself - Budget is definitely in consideration...
Elijah's room will already be cool. He has his shark stuff and now wants to add a few things from his newest obsession; The Beatles. Elijah LOVES the Beatles. He's been listening to them non stop for weeks now. I'll be on the lookout for a Beatles poster for his room. I may have to order one on line.
I can't wait to get the rest of the house finished and be in there! It's going to be fantastic! I have a huge kitchen that I will be able to cook in! yay!!! My focus is going to be on preparing family meals that I can make ahead - that save time but are nutritiuous too. Maybe I'll start blogging about it. I thought about seeing if a friend of mine wanted to come over one afternoon and we could cook three meals and then split them.
I am trying really hard to be positive right now because the thing with the house just fell in to place perfectly. I'm trying to be positive, but sometimes my inner pessimest just gets the best of me.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can readjust my medication or switch completely. I have been mean as a snake on this drug. Just angry and "persecuted". It's not just that side effect, but I'm dealing with a few others as well. I've felt sick nearly every day for weeks now - and my hair is falling out. Thankfully I have really thick hair so no one would really notice unless they had their hands in my hair at some point. I would say that I've lost maybe a third of my hair in the past two weeks. Barrettes that I would have to struggle to get closed because of my thick hair - Are now loose and have hair falling out because it's not tight enough to hold itself in. It takes me a fraction of the time to dry my hair. at first I thought it was my imagination. It's not like Elijah's hair falling out - this is gradual and not obvious. I find tons of hair in the bathtub, on my clothes, in my sink. If I run my fingers through my hair, most times I come back with five or six strands. It's awful! Of course I try to self diagnose. It could be thyroid, it could be iron deficiency, it could be medication, it could be poor diet, it could be stress.. just pick one. Maybe I should suggest to Dr. Felton that he get one of those spinning wheels like they have on Price is Right.. Put a bunch of possible diagnoses on there and just let me spin. I think it would always be weighted on "you don't sleep well and you are under too much stress".. no shit.
Okay.. super bitchy Dawn is starting to take over the keyboard, so I had better go to bed.
tomorrow I'd like to talk about why I think teenagers are stupid sometimes.
No complaining here..
It's nearly time to go to bed. Elijah's been in bed for over an hour and a half. Yay! Britt and I could use this time to talk or whatever, but I'm doing homework (okay,so I'm really blogging now) and he is working on a project for work. It will really be time for sleep soon.
Elijah's school is doing the huge yard sale on Saturday. I've decided that it's stupid for me to feel paranoid and think that people percieve us as greedy and not really in need. I think that's how I feel about certain other families, and it's projecting on to my own situations. I don't think that people think of us like that because we've never given them reason to. I really am excited about the sale! I would be even if it weren't for our family. ha! I so wish I could come out and help, but I have to take a test on Saturday and will be gone from 8 to 1. The sale will be over by the time I am finished - but perhaps I can help "hem things up" when I am finished with class.
I am praying that this is the last crazy week for a while. It seems like so much going on with school and so much going on with work and then silly me signs up to work a lot of extra at the hospital. I need calgon! I actually need to move to a bigger house with a full size bathtub so I can enjoy some calgon.. Our bathtub isn't full sized. (really.. it's not my rear.. I promise.. it's the bathtub)
We are looking for a house. Going tomorrow to see a possibility. We want to know if they will lower the rent for a longer lease period. We shall see. Lovely house.. Perfect neighborhood. I'm praying. It doesn't have a fenced in backyard, but that can be easily fixed - or Bay can just go on a tether when he's outside. no worries.
I think I have decided to go ahead and apply for nursing school in the spring. What can it hurt, right? I either get in or I don't. That's the way I look at it. I need to at least try and stop being such a dang chicken. I can do the work.
Okay. signing off. I'm tired - and a bit manic, so I better go to bed.
Celebrity Gossip
I don't know why I continue to be so intrigued by celebrity gossip! It makes me crazy! I am now following the Real Housewives of New Jersey (all but Danielle because she's nasty and frankly sort of scares me). I follow a few others too. Pink (she's very funny)and I think i follow Justin Timberlake. I definitely follow The Pioneerwoman because I want to be like her. The rest of them, I don't understand what my fascination is!!! It's not like I think we can become friends or anything and I do NOT want what they have. Britt and I were talking earlier. I think Theresa from RHW drives a beautiful Escalade. You know what else has to ride in that car with her everywhere she goes? A little monster called "11 Million Dollars in Debt". No thanks. You can keep the big house, designer clothes, lovely parties and the big car.. I think I would be locked up in a mental institution if I had the stress of that much debt on my shoulders - so I wouldn't get to enjoy a bit of it anyway. Gads! It makes my ulcer flare up just to think about it!
I used to follow Kirstie Alley, but she tweets constantly and most of them are conversations that should be done over email, so I stopped following her.
I wish Britney Spears dad would get a hold of Lindsey Lohan and run her life for a few months. Maybe he could get her back on track the way he did Brit. I just really don't think Lindsey has hit bottom yet.. which is really scary.
This might sound strange, but I think mostly I like to follow what goes on with the celebrities because I feel sorry for them. I would never want the life that they have. Not their own, you know? Don't get me wrong.. I would love to be an actress - and be in a film or a play. (I used to do that when I was a kid.. not films but plays) I wouldn't want to be famous though. I'd rather just be happily mildly successful, respected, and financially sufficient. Does that make sense? I wish I could write a book. I wouldn't even know where to start though. How cool would that be? To be a well known author - people could just know your name and not really know your face. Awesome. Maybe I will do that. Any topics of interest for a new book? I'll just take requests.
Home Alone - but not really.
Britt is gone tonight. He's doing the second part of a sleep study. I've been after him for a while about having a sleep study done because he stops breathing when he sleeps. He is exhausted all the time and just feels run down. I think our poor eating and exercising habits have a large part to do with it, but I also think he has sleep apnea. I have to diagnose everybody - I think it's a sickness.
So I was just about right with my timeline of how long I thought we'd stay in the condo. The smallness of it has us all on edge. I say all of us, I don't think Elijah minds it one bit. It's not like he's a big "play out in the yard" kind of kid anyway. He has his computer, his directv, and a whole bunch of books and activities. He is happy. He doesn't care that he shares a room with his 17 year old sister. She's only home once a week and she sleeps on the top bunk. It doesn't bother him that we only have one bathroom because he usually gets first dibs when he needs it. He hates to take a bath so the bathroom is just a necessity for him.
If we were true minimalists and didn't have pets, condo living would be just fine. We just have too much crap. I know. I sound like a broken record.. whine.
I have started looking at houses to rent. I found one yesterday that I think I like, but they want to rent it right away. We don't plan on moving until mid October so that one was out of the question. Britt and I decided that if it was still there when we got ready to move, then maybe it was meant to be. If not, we're sure God has something perfect in mind for us. Thankfully the moving process will be much easier since the good majority of our stuff is in storage. What we have in the condo can be moved with one good u-haul load.
I wish I could just give away our couch and coffee table and get a new one. That's definitely not in the budget though.
Elijah's school is doing a huge yard sale as a fundraiser for our family to help pay for expenses related to Elijah's treatment. I was talking to a friend the other day about what all the basic expenses we incur just from one trip to Philadelphia. I think she was a bit shocked. We get help with mine and Elijah's plane tickets - which is awesome and we are so thankful for that. I don't know how we would make it without that assistance. Well, we couldn't truthfully. We'd probably have to move to Philadelphia. Anyway.. I digress. The little stuff really adds up. When you figure in just checking our bags, cab from the airport to the Ronald Mcdonald House and then back again, plus a few cab fares to the hospital, staying at Ronald McDonald house, (it's only $15 a night to stay at RMH in Philly and you get free dinner, so that really balances out) and airport parking, we are already looking at over $200. That's not figuring in any food at all. We really and truly try to budget our money on our trips as much as we can, but there's no way getting around some of the expenses. So.. what I am saying is that the fundraiser from Elijah's school is such a huge blessing.
We are truly blessed. We both have cars that run, a roof over our heads, and we both have jobs. Our kids never go without and we definitely don't go hungry. There are so many that can't say that. Hannah works really hard and honestly takes care of herself most of the time. Have you seen her lovely pageant and prom gowns?? She worked at the formal gown store and paid for those herself. We have amazing family and friends that support us and always make sure that we have what we need. We have our trials, but honestly, Elijah is the one who faces the most challenges. I whine and complain and bitch - but Elijah lives with the pain, the insecurity and the fear every day. He is the one who deals with all of this with the strength of a superhero. God gives him his strength and helps carry us. Honestly.
Okay.. I'm tired. I still have to give Elijah his shot and do tons of reading for American Literature. (It really seems like a history class. I'm not enjoying it)
Well, YUCK
got the word today from my physical. My cholesterol is good but my triglycerides are high. Dr. F recommends Milk Thistle for that. I am vitamin D deficient - so I get to take a vitamin D supplement. Nice.. And here is the fun stuff. I am pre-diabetic. (and now for the collective, "duh") I need to try and lose some weight and get some exercise and then go back to see Dr. F in 4 months to check my sugar again. I read today that a vitamin d def. can affect your blood sugar. Mine is probably just from eating crap and not getting enough exercise. That and lovelies like chocolate pudding cake and homemade blackberry ice cream. It's all Britt's fault!!!! ha.. just kidding. Scary stuff. How much more do I need to try and scare me in to getting my life together? ugh.
I'm getting a lot done at work this week. It feels good to be sort of getting caught up with stuff. I just need to keep up the momentum. I have cooked dinner four nights in a row now.. wow. It's getting better..I'm getting the house cleaner.. Praying the laundry fairy shows herself soon though.
Sales ... & stuff
So I am thinking about going in to some sort of sales, but I'm not sure what. I don't like selling things where I have to beg people to buy what I have for sale. I hated selling radio. I don't want to do any kind of home party sales thing. Too much work and not enough money.(also adds tons of "stuff" to my already junk filled life) Plus I am not organized enough to keep that stuff separate from my personal stuff and I don't want to handle money any more than I already do at the church. Money stresses me out. ha! I want to do something that would allow me to work very part time and have much flexibility but something that I could actually enjoy and make a bit of money at. I'm not talking about instant wealth (although that would be nice). So, what could I sell that is something people need and want, something that I won't have to push on people, and something that I could make a bit of decent money at? Suggestions? When I say a bit of decent money - I make very little right now - so adding 10K or so to our annual income would be a great big help. Real Estate? Insurance? (can you sell insurance part time?) Do you HAVE to have a nice car to succeed in sales? I would definitely have to have a redo on my appearance. I don't think frumpy housewife who doesn't like to wear makeup would fly. ha! We have to be able to increase our income in order to get ahead and start saving. yuck. conflicted.
Why didn't this post yesterday when I wrote it??
It's Friday night, nearly 12:30 in the morning. 15 years ago this would be just about the time I was getting started. Now I am just tired and wondering why I didn't go to bed an hour ago. I'm still a night owl and probably always will be. I guess I got that from my Mom. Elijah has inherited it from me but I think Hannah took after her dad. She goes to bed pretty early.
Condo life is starting to lose its shine. The condo that is directly behind ours is vacant and being remodeled. They don't start with the noise terribly early, but it's noise just the same. Loud power tools and music. I love music and normally don't mind it, but our houses are soundproof enough that the music just comes through the walls like muffled noise.
We have unpacked as much as we possibly can. We honestly don't have room for anything else. We have a storage unit that is packed to the gills and our little place is still lined with boxes. It's starting to get to me. How did I accumulate so much stuff?
I don't even want to get started on the animals. Duchess has thankfully found a new home. The cats and smallish dog are enough to make me nuts right now (not that I am far from it anyway!) I love the furries, I really do. I just don't like the fact that we are in such a small space they seem everywhere. We are used to being in small spaces - staying at the Ronald McDonald all the time. I just wish we could figure out what to do with all the "junk". AND I wish I could teach the cats how to use the toilet instead of a litter box. I hate the litter box.
Okay.. I have whined enough. On the plus side of things, I am loving being back in the area we live in. Elijah is enjoying the pool nearly every day - which is awesome. He's getting great exercise and building strength. We are also liking the break we are seeing from big utility bills. I think our electric bill was less than $100 last month. That's amazing to me. So.. we will stay in the little condo for a couple more months. I am already looking for the "perfect house" for our family. I think my obsession with looking so soon is making Britt nuts. I think we are going to try to move mid October. Not far and probably still not going to buy anything. Just a rent house preferably with a small yard, a few hundred more square feet, and a 3rd bedroom. Maybe we will luck out and find one with a state of the art kitchen.. ha! A girl can dream, right?
People you see in airports
I wish I had the nerve to take pictures of some of the wacky things we see while traveling. Mainly the outfits that people wear. Last week was one of my favorites. Lovely guy wearing board shorts and bright pink Crocs. I overheard him telling the man standing next to him in line that he was on his way to Chicago to teach a class on impulse buying. Seriously? I wanted to ask him if the pink Crocs were an impulse buy or if had planned to purchase them. I felt bad - because then I thought surely he would come up with some story like the Crocs had belonged to his late mother and it made him feel close to her to wear them when he travels - or something tragic along those lines. I let it go. I didn't take the picture and I didn't judge. Elijah got a big kick out of it though. Then (again in Chicago) getting ready to board our flight home we see a another nice young man (late teens - maybe??) wearing shorts that he looked like he borrowed from Hannah with a tight tee (also could have been from Hannah's closet) and BRIGHT RED SUSPENDERS!!! oh my.. It was too much for us to hold the giggle back from this one! Especially when we saw the big burly guy standing next to us looking at little pinnochio in sheer disbelief. It's not about homophobia - it's not about judging others who are different.. I walk around the airport with a bald kid - believe me when I tell you that I am sympathetic to those who are different. It's just about the humor of the clothing choice. I know what we wear should be about our personality and reflect who we really are, and that's fine. Really.. I had my days of dressing outlandishly and fully expected people to stare or point fingers. I think that's why I did it..
I wonder if anyone has pictures floating around of me and some of my crazy outfits.. someone other than my grandmother.
I'm Baaacckkk
It's been forever since I blogged. So much has been going on. We just returned from the amazing Lighthouse Family Retreat. I loved it. I was so sad when we had to leave. I don't think I realized how overcome with sadness I would be until our last day there. I pray that we will be able to go back next year. I've already been thinking of things I would like to do differently when we go back. 1. I would like to spend more time with Britt - just he and I reconnecting as a couple. We didn't get to do much of that, really. I think we need it 2. I want to spend more time on the beach. I loved our nighttime beach trips and would really like to enjoy more of that. If we were better prepared we would have brought chairs and stuff with us so we could just hang out. The ocean at night is absolutely breathtaking. 3. Bikes. I want a bike for Christmas - just so I can take it to the beach with me. Sad, huh? We loved riding bikes in Rosemary. I feel like I am in a much better place spiritually. I learned a lot from these other families we spent time with. It was a beautiful experience.
I am wondering if hypnosis can help with organizational skills.... hmmmm.. At this point I am willing to try just about anything.
One step forward, two steps back.
We worked a bit on the house today. Actually, I was quite lazy and didn't do as much as I should have. I did, however, do a twenty minute Brazilian aerobics workout AND Britt and I walked for 30 minutes tonight. (the Brazilian thing was something I recorded from Fit tv - fun)
I managed to get a few things put away in Elijah's room and empty some of the boxes from there. If you've read his blog, you would have seen that he was not happy with the state of his room. It's much better now, I assure you.
Britt said he feels as though we took one step forward and two steps back with the house. I think I disagree. While I know sometimes it seems as if we are shifting stuff from one room to another, I know that we are trying to figure out where things go and are realizing that we are seriously lacking storage space in this condo. We just have too much stuff. We have one closet that would work wonderfully to put stuff in, but we are currently using that to house the "cat stuff"..
Speaking of cats. They are about to be the death of me. Now that we are in such a small space, it seems like there is cat hair EVERYWHERE. I don't understand it. I have friends that have cats and their homes don't have cat hair all over the place. How do they do it? UGH. I bought a "Furminator". It's a brush that is supposed to remove the hair before they shed it. I tackled Dude this evening and gave him a pretty good combing with it. Yuck. I was covered and he was livid. Britt had to help me hold him. Dude growled at me the whole time. I think we will have to sedate Tinkerbell before we Furminate her. She will eat me alive, I fear.
I am really liking My Fitness Pal! It's been an excellent tool. It really reminds me of WW, only easier. Kudos to my wonderful spouse for recommending it.
Tomorrow I am meeting my friend to walk. Thankfully she changed our timing up a bit so I don't have to be there at 5:45 am. She is, however, making me walk 4 miles. I can do it. Surely I can do it.
I guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow starts a really busy few weeks for us.
ugh
How come I always miss the cool giveaways on The Pioneer Woman's website? I love her blog, I love her photography, and my whole family LOVES her recipes. Sounding a bit stalker-ish? I hope not. She really is cool and I hope you check our her blog if you haven't already. I meant to tell Lori thanks so much for introducing her to me. I learn all kinds of new things at bunco. We love The Pioneer Woman and Britt now has to have a flip flop fold - which was one of the product reviews at bunco. (product reviews are always fun - one time one of the girls brought a hair dye - for your private area. It was HYSTERICAL)
It's been a good family day. We didn't get as much done on my list, but we did mark a few things off. I think we can get more done tomorrow, which is always a good thing. By the time I get all this stuff put where I want it, it will be time to figure out if we are going to buy or find something a bit larger. ha! I am seeing progress in the house, though.
We took Elijah to the movies to go to see Ironman 2. We really enjoyed it.
One of Britt's friends told him about this my fitness pal website and app. It's awesome!! It's a great way to journal what you eat and what you exercise without having to join WW or anything like that. They have an awesome food database with nutritional info.. Awesome. I have to say it's been incredibly easy to use. Now, staying within my daily caloric guideline?? not so easy. I am craving sweet and salty right now and hoping that will pass in the next few days. I stuck some grapes in the freezer earlier today to help with the sweet craving. I haven't been terrible - and everything I have eaten has been good for me, which is a switch.
My friend wants me to get up at 5:45 on Monday and go run/walk with her. It's not the 5:45 that scares me, contrary to popular belief. It's that I don't think I can keep up with her. At this point, I CAN NOT RUN.. I would hurt myself. i wish I could.. but I can't. maybe a few steps.. I gotta start somewhere, right? She already told me not to sit at home this weekend thinking up excuses. She knows me a bit better than I would like!!
One more day of us all being home together before the work week begins. I plan to enjoy it.
To Do List
I have 17 things on my to do list. I am wondering about something. I have roughly 5 loads of laundry to do tomorrow. Should I change my list to read 21 things or does the five loads still only count as "laundry"? hmm...
Elijah did his blog posting tonight, fresh off of me telling him he was going to have to turn the tv and computer off before too long. We have terrible sleeping habits in our house. I read an article on cnn.com about a man who did an experiment. He stopped using tv, computer, iphone, etc. once the sun started to go down. He went a bit more extreme than I could see myself going. He took out fridge lights and turned off all the lights in his house. Crazy enough by the end of the month he was sleeping more soundly and waking with more energy than he ever had in his life. I figured it was worth a shot in moderation in our own home. So.. tv, computer, and iphone are shut down at 9:00 (except for tonight, because I'm still on the computer and it's 11:33 - I'm the only one up though, so it doesn't really count does it?? he he he) We will get hardcore with it after the weekend. Elijah spends way too much time in front of the tv. (whose fault? I know, I know)
I'm trying to think of a fairly easy class to take online for school next semester. I will have Anatomy and Physiology as well as Literature. I think the two of those will be a bit time consuming so I want something that won't suck the life out of me, but that I might enjoy. Any thoughts? they offer p.e classes. I should take some.
Elijah's Blog
Elijah has started blogging. He is so excited about it! He couldn't wait to get up today and get on the computer so he could blog. His blog is www.elissketchbook.blogspot.com. He's pretty proud of himself.
I went back to the hospital today I Had an ultrasound done on my gallbladder. I don't know if it showed anything. The doctor was supposed to call me but I never heard. I guess we will find out sooner or later. I have so much to do in the next few weeks. I don't have time to have my gallbladder taken out. Seriously. Last year I had a hysterectomy in May. Maybe May will just be surgery month for me. I'm just glad they think it's something minor and not my heart.
I am going to go back to shoe carnival and see if the grandma looking running shoes are still there (Hannah Banana said they were grandma shoes) and if they are, I am going to get them. My friend asked me to start walking, running with her in the mornings and I think I am going to take her up on it. It will be good for me. And she's the kind of friend that will kick my ass if I don't show up!
Heart Hospital
My life is never boring. I have been having pains in my chest and arm for a few days. Yesterday it got a bit worse so we headed to the ER at Arkansas Heart Hospital. I can't say enough about how wonderful they all were. They put me on a monitor right away, drew labs to look at cardiac enzymes, and gave me nitroglycerine tablets. I guess my body doesn't like nitroglycerine. I had a terrible reaction to it, the ekg went nuts sending me in to a full blown panic attack. This earned me an admission in to the heart hospital. fun times. I met the cardiologist late last evening and he said they were going to go in right away and do an angiogram. They went in my wrist with a catheter and injected a dye into my heart so they could look at the flow. Thankfully everything was clear. I was discharged and sent home right around midnight last night. The doctor said there was no need to keep me there since he really didn't think my pain was cardiac related or life threatening. Smart man. Most doctors would have just kept a patient there since it was so late. I much prefer sleeping in my own bed so I was thankful to go home. Since I was armed with the knowledge that my pain was not a heart attack, (and was under the influence of valium, benadryl and a few other things) I was happy to go home. He really thinks my pain is reflux that could be made a bit worse by gall bladder issues. nice stuff. He said prilosec for 30 days and I go see him again on Tuesday to discuss some of the other labs they ran. Everyone at this hospital was WONDERFUL.
Today is Mother's Day. We got in so late last night so we slept in a bit this morning. About mid morning I noticed that I was developing a rash on my arms.. and it was spreading. I was getting hives all over my arms and legs. I think it was from the dye (had that happen once before from a ct scan) I took benadryl and eventually the hives went away. I had to go back to bed because of the benadryl, but I guess that's not such a bad way to spend Mother's Day.
My family is so wonderful.. I had a really good day today in spite of feeling yucky. My arm is a bit sore where they went in with the catheter and I still have the chest pain. My stress level is much lower since I know it's not my heart.
Scary stuff - thinking you are having a heart attack. Maybe the wake up call I needed.
Go To Sleep!!!!
I have three finals to take in the next two days. What am I doing? I'm blogging and messing around on Facebook. Facebook is going to be the death of me if I don't get my addiction under control! Why can't I be addicted to things that are good for me like exercise or getting a good nights sleep? No.. I have to be addicted to crap like diet coke, flour tortillas and the ultimate of time suckers - Facebook.
Elijah started chemo today. It's 11:59 pm and he is still not asleep. He is in his bed and has called for Britt a minimum of three times and me at least four. The last time I had to be firm with him - which sometimes breaks my heart. "Mom, I have something on my mind and I just can't make it go away". "What is it, Elijah?" (I have to admit I said it in a not so caring voice because I recognize his ploy to not go to sleep) "I am just worried that I won't get in to the 4th grade" oh brother. He has tons of homework to catch up on right now and is really struggling with his multiplication facts. I told him earlier this evening, trying to impress how important it was, that he needed to really work hard on all of this stuff so he could pass 3rd grade and move on to 4th. While all of this is true, I simply intended to motivate him not send him in to a tail spin of worry about flunking 3rd grade. Jeesh.
Britt bought a new camera. He's been wanting one for a really long time. We probably needed to spend the money elsewhere but he just passed his test and earned his license that he worked so hard for. We blow too much money on stupid stuff all of the time and this is something he can use for work as well. (Elijah is still sniffling, by the way. I'm waiting for call #5 from his room) The camera is really nice but much like other advanced technology in this house I have no idea how to use it.
The walk this evening was particularly entertaining. I love the city we live in. During my walk I can hear crickets, birds, and frogs but can also hear faint traffic sounds. I find the combination oddly comforting. Baden and I walk this little gravel path that is near our house. It winds through a block in our neighborhood that is sort of wooded. Much to Baden's pleasure, we saw bunnies on our walk today! He was so excited. He acted like a little kid who had just seen Mickey Mouse for the first time. I think for a minute he actually thought I was going to let him off his leash so he could chase after them. "Please, Mom? Oh, please let me chase the bunnies!!!" I laughed out loud at this silly dog. Quite amusing.
Part of me is ready for school to be out for the kids and part of me is dreading it. Elijah needs organization and structure and even though his attendance is sporadic, it does provide him with some of that. I am going to have to get on the ball and get on a better schedule.
Okay. I'm obviously not going to study. I need to go to bed now before the flour tortillas start beckoning from the kitchen. Evil things.
walks continue
I have continued walking every day. Sadly, I haven't walked as much every day though. I think today I did just under a mile. Time just gets away from me. We bought a bed off craigslist for the kiddos. Britt and Joe went to pick it up this evening so we spent most of the evening setting it up. Thankfully I stuck a pot roast in the crock earlier today so that was all ready for supper. We took a break from setting up the new bed and enjoyed a nice supper together.
The bed is fabulous for our small space! It's a beautiful bunk bed with a full bed on the bottom and a twin on the top. Solid wood - just lovely! I think craigslist is the bomb, by the way. We got the bunks for a steal. The original owners paid nearly $1900 when they bought them, we got them for a small fraction of that. Elijah likes them very much. I feel so bad that Hannah doesn't have her own room anymore, but she is only here one or two nights a week. She says she doesn't mind it, but I think she does. Part of me wishes that we had held out a bit longer and tried to find three bedrooms but the other part of me really feels like this is where we are supposed to be. We love this little condo - and if we can ever get things put away, I think we will be quite happy here.
I need to get new tennis shoes this week. Mine are just worn out. I think I have had them for three years now, if not longer. I know I don't exercise regularly, but I have worn these tennis shoes for at least three Riverfests - that's enough to wear out a pair of shoes easily. I am debating between walking shoes, running shoes, or cross training shoes. I found a pair of Nike's that I really liked today but Hannah told me they looked like "Grandma Shoes".. oh well.
walking the mile... walking the mile...
I only walked a mile last night. I wanted to walk 1.5 but just didn't have time. I know, I know.. how long can it take to walk a half mile, right? Our schedule was cram packed yesterday. As it was, Britt and I still didn't get to go to bed til after midnight. I promised myself that I would at least walk a mile - and that I did. Maybe I will make up for it and do 1.75 tonight. :) I just have to start earlier. I don't like to walk in the dark by myself so I need to get it done during the daytime hours. Maybe after Elijah is done with physical therapy I can go walk.
So my friends have been sending me recipes, which I love! I am determined to stop eating out and start cooking at home more. The key to doing that successfully is to plan and shop.
I went wild with my eating there for a while. My stress level was really through the roof and that's how I deal with it.. I eat and I bitch. It's how I roll. I feel a bit more in control this week. Of my emotions and my eating.
I am praying that things continue on an even level for a while. I think a break will do all of us so much good. We can handle busy. We can handle crazy busy.. It's just nice to be able to have a bit of normal happy crazy busy, and not scary bad stuff.
Walking, racoons, and trying new recipes.
Some folks in the condo complex called a "wildlife extraction" specialist to come out and see about the racoon. I suspected that she had babies in the attic space above our condo. The neighbors a few doors down confirmed it. They heard the babies crying and quite a bit of scratching going on in their attic. The wild life specialist came out today and sprayed some sort of chemical in the attic of three of our units. The chemical is supposed to mimic the scent of a really large and really angry racoon. Mama would then think said big mean racoon was going to eat her and quickly relocate her babies. Once they were sure Mama and babies were out, they would repair the hole. We really think she moved them out tonight. We were watching a movie and heard the most awful noise. At first we didn't know what it was, but quickly found out it was these babies crying while she was pulling them out of the hole to take them to their new home. I know they had to go, but it almost made me a bit sad! I'm just thankful they opted for a humane extraction and didn't just kill them - even though I know racoons are not nice. They sure are cool looking though.
I decided that I would take my walking with Baden up a notch. I downloaded a pedometer on my iphone. I thought I already had one, but it wasn't there anymore so I downloaded a new app. I don't like it very much. Last night I walked a tiny bit over a mile with Bay. Tonight I was determined to get up to about a mile and a half. I got about halfway as far as I did last night and Hannah sent me a text message. No big deal. I responded to the text message and kept on walking. I got to the point where I knew I had walked about a mile (because it was the same route from last night) and looked at my phone. It had stopped recording my steps at about the point where Hannah sent me the message! I guess it got confused when the text came in. Not cool! I have a real pedometer someplace. I am hoping I can find it when I get the rest of the house unpacked unless it's in storage.
I didn't try any new recipes tonight. I was going to but E is having some issues with mouthsores so I opted for soft fettucini alfredo - something I knew he would be able to eat. I did splurge and picked up some garlic bread from Silveks. Yum! I am looking for new stuff to fix though, so if you have any good recipes that are family friendly please send them my way.
I have to figure a way to get my walking in tomorrow. I have a meeting in the evening and it will be dark by the time we get home so walking the trail is out of the question. Maybe I will do laps in the sanctuary at church - ha!. I am enjoying the bit of time to myself though and think the walk is really good for me. My goal is to get up to two miles soon and to keep walking every day.
So much coming up.. Hannah is in a pageant this weekend, Riverfest is coming up, School about to be out, yipes. Good things.. All good things.
Moving, cooking & life
We sold our house and have moved to a condo. I am so thankful to be out from under the home repairs and the obligation of the mortgage! It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know everyone says that you are supposed to buy a house and that renting is just throwing money away. Guess what? A raccoon tore a hole in the roof of our condo. We don't have to fix it. It's not our responsibility to hire a "wildlife removal" person and a roofer to repair the damaged roof and tiles. That makes me smile and makes it all worth it to be "throwing away" money every month. Did I mention that we don't have to rake leaves or mow a yard? The condo has yard people that do that. Sure, we traded in a few things. I can't paint or change anything (not necessarily bad). I have less than half the space I had before. Our big dog went to stay with a friend of our because we don't have a yard for her. (it's really better for her and better for us).. BUT.. we have a pool that's right across from our front door. We have lovely neighbors. It's MUCH quieter here than it was at our old house. I haven't heard a peep from our neighbors through the walls, it's closer to Elijah's school, Britt's office, and the church where I work.. AND it's incredibly quaint, efficient and charming! Did I mention no stairs? Did I mention that I have been walking the dog every day since we moved in? Yep. I am happy with our decision. I loved our house but I am loving this freedom even more.
Elijah is doing really well. He seems to be feeling better than he has in a long time aside from a few aches and pains here and there. He starts PT tomorrow which I am really hoping will help with some of the issues he has with his feet and ankles. They just hurt him nearly all the time. They are weak. I am praying PT will help. His hair is starting to grow back, but per the norm for him it's very blond and very fine so even though we think he has hair, he still looks totally bald. I wish his eyelashes would hurry up and come back. I think his pretty lashes are what I miss the most about him not having hair. I'm just thankful he is still with us. We've seen too many neuroblastoma kids recently that have passed or are not doing well. We are so lucky.
I am starting to cook again and I think I am really enjoying it. Crazy, I think. Since my kitchen is very tiny. I had a pretty large kitchen in my other house and for the most part, stopped cooking right before we moved out. Part of it I blamed on packing and lack of time. Part of it, I think, was that I just didn't want to cook. One of the girls that hosted bunco a couple of months ago used some recipes from The Pioneer Woman Cooks cookbook. I loved the lasagna she made and went to go buy the cookbook. I discovered when looking at the book that she has a blog and pretty much has all of her recipes on the blog. I would much rather look at a free blog than pay for a cookbook! So far I've made three of her recipes. Meatballs, mashed potatoes, and tonight I made chicken parm. The meatballs are now a family favorite and will probably be added to our list of regular meals. The mashed potatoes are rich and creamy (made with half and half AND cream cheese) and while they are wonderful, will have to be an "every once in a while" treat. The chicken parm was good. The chicken was the best part. I didn't much care for my sauce but I think it was my fault and not the recipes. I didn't have decent wine to use and I accidentally got petit diced tomatoes instead of crushed. I really think it made a difference. My boys liked it though. I will just do a little tweaking next time and I am sure it will be awesome. I am looking through her blog now to see what I want to fix next. I watched Julie and Julia the other night and LOVED it.. Maybe I will cook a bunch of Ree Drummond's recipes and blog about it.. but wait.. she already does that - wouldn't I look like an unoriginal ninny. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to pick a few more recipes from her blog to fix, but I would love for friends to recommend recipes to me for me to try. Doesn't have to be super easy, but not uber challenging either. I don't eat veal and I don't eat lamb. I don't typically eat chicken with the bones still in it either. I am pretty much open to all suggestions - so please tell your friends as well.. send me recipes.. good ones... yummy ones... I'm in the mood to cook in my tiny kitchen. I even want an apron that says something catchy about a tiny kitchen.. I will have to look on cafepress for something entertaining.
I've taken my ambien and my words are starting to look as though they are quilted on the page. It's cool, but a definite sign that I need to go to bed soon.
ugh
Tomorrow is the board meeting for Candlelighters. I am currently President but gave my resignation a week ago. So far, no one has surfaced to show any interest in the position. This pisses me off to no end. This is a great organization with an amazing purpose. The board is full of many talented but overstretched people.. Okay.. so my question is this: Why don't they resign if they can't commit to help this organization grow? Seriously... Just because it may look good if you ever get in High Profile to say that you serve on a board for a group that helps cancer kids - you are doing NO ONE any favors by staying where you are. I'm not doing anyone any favors by spreading myself so thin.. So I am resigning. tomorrow will be my last board meeting and I am done. I will work with the new officers to get them situated and then I will go back in to my mode of parent helper person, if I can.
It looks like we might have a good offer from a solid buyer on the house. Now waiting for the appraisal, which was delayed because of the weather, to see when we can move in to the contract phase and set up a closing. We are told this could be middle March before it happens. This is actually good with me.. We are going to Philly the end of February and I hated to think that we needed to move right before or the week we returned. Now we at least have a couple of weeks. Huge sigh of relief.
So.. after I scrape Candlelighters off my plate and then find a rental house and get us moved, I'll be searching for more things to eliminate that cause me unnecessary stress. I feel great about this!
Ready
This time, I think I'm finally ready. I'm serious. I mean it. It's 12:24 in the morning. I am angry and fed up and I'm through playing around with all of this crap. Tomorrow things are different. When I wake up, things will be different. The change will be evident over a bit of time. It's past time though. I'm ready. Bring it!!!
For Sale
Our house is on the market. "For Sale" sign in the yard and everything. woo hoo! Although I am not excited at the prospect of having to load up our pets and get them out of here so strangers can walk through our house, I am ready to start the process of selling this house and moving on. I will be getting my wish of downsizing in a month or so. I may be regretting it when we are all crammed in to a small three bedroom house someplace!! We have had more room that we needed here, but have grown accustomed to the space. I am hoping that all of our stays in one room at the Ronald McDonald House will have done a bit of good in preparing us for this. Less space to keep clean, less space to heat and cool, less space to have to pay for. I just hope and pray we can find a rental that fits in our budget, will let us have our pets, and is clean and nice. Asking for a lot, huh?
Classes started last week. It seems like right off the bat I have a ton of reading to do. I need to spend my entire afternoon reading. I love to read, so it's not really an issue. I just find that I keep falling asleep while I am reading lately! I guess that's what you do when you get this close to 40! ha ha.
My 40th birthday is in less than 2 weeks. I'd like to have a birthday party simply because I can't remember the last time I had one other than with the kids and Britt. I don't know. Is it selfish to want a birthday party? I mean, I don't want one so bad that I am going to plan it myself and invite folks over or anything.
Elijah is doing really well. He has felt better over the past few days than he has in weeks, I think.
I guess I am going to make up with Jillian Michaels and start the 30 day shred over this evening. ugh. I dread it, but I hate being fat and out of shape.
It's what time already????
Okay. It seems like we just got home and now it's MIDNIGHT! Seriously?? I don't understand how this happens. Really, I guess I do. We have a million errands to run after work and it ends up not getting us home til 9pm. Then we have things around here to do and before we know it - it's midnight. All I can think of is "oh crap, I have to get up early tomorrow to take Elijah to the dentist". Then I remember how pleasant he is to get up early in the morning. YIPES. Fun day for me tomorrow.
Britt got me a new bucky for Christmas. Bucky makes the "40 blinks mask". It's the best in the world. It's really light and has a shape that creates a seal around your eyes, but has room so that your eyes can move. He got one for me a couple of years ago and I LOVED it. It really makes sleeping in the hospital easier. There are tons of lights - and people who open doors in the middle of the night to let light in - so for someone like me who prefers to sleep in a dark room, this little mask is a life saver. well - I got a new one and I am super excited! I am going to wear it tonight. I just wish I had a snazzy new nightgown to go with it! Hannah gave me some amazing lotion for Chistmas - so my new bucky, my lotion, and a comfortable night gown are about to hit the pillow. All that's missing is an electric blanket and one of those bedtime noise machines that plays ocean sounds. ha ha!
Goals, Not Resolutions
I can't believe is 2010 already. Wow. Time flies. Hannah said the other day "Mom, for my next birthday, I think I want to sky dive". I calmly replied, "Hannah, you can't sky dive until you are 18". "uh, Mom,I will be 18 on my next birthday." oh crap! How could this happen? How could she be so close to alleged adulthood? Elijah is 9 years old now! It seems like he was just born a couple of years ago!
I wish I could sit here and reflect on how wonderful the past year was. Truth is, it wasn't all that great. It's been a whirlwind of travel between home and Philadelphia. Elijah's disease returned again this year and we have been in heavier battle than I think we ever have. I think this past year of treatment has been harder on him than the first year of chemo was. He's frustrated and irritated. I can't say that I blame him. We've had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil this year. Not just from Elijah's treatment and the search for the right drug, but from some other sources as well. I do think, however, that while it has been challenging and heartbreaking, we've handled things okay. While I say 2009 hasn't been great - it hasn't been all bad either. We have done some pretty amazing things this year. We had a great summer hanging out by the pool. Elijah had a wonderful time at camp. We attended a fabulous conference in Chicago. Elijah was featured in a local magazine, on a Philadelphia news station, in numerous things for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, and in CHOP's annual report. We were able to attend a professional hockey game in Philly. Elijah rode in a limo for his birthday and met Tony Luke, Jr. We've spent lots of time with our dear friends in Philadelphia. We've come to call a major city our second home. Elijah has had the most amazing class for 3rd grade and an awesome cubscout troop. We learned much about our finances and our goals for the future. It's definitely been a year of learning for us - and that's not a bad thing.
I have some goals for 2010. First and foremost is our continued search for the right medicine that will keep Elijah's disease in check and let him be as much of a normal little boy as possible. Second is to finish my associates degree - long overdue. (then maybe I will figure out what to be when I grow up - until then, I am not stressing over it) I want to sell our house and get out from under the pressure of homeownership. I know that sounds crazy, but it's one thing that we can eliminate for now. I would like to actually be able to take a vacation this year. We are gone so much - but all of it is for treatment or is cancer related. I want a weekend away with my husband.. Just one. We haven't done that in what seems like forever. I think before Elijah got sick, actually. That was over 4 years ago. I have many other things I want to do in 2010. Most involve being a better mom and wife. Spending more good quality time with my kids. Less time on facebook. More time with friends. I am working on being more aware - of everything.