I feel better today. Maybe this is the turning point. I haven't been asleep since I woke up this morning - which is good. I do feel a nap coming on though. I am not as sore as I was yesterday. Good things.. Harry Potter is on.. always good for a napping day.
Healing
I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. They removed my uterus and one ovary. I hurt. My belly feels as though it's been ripped out from the insides. The good news is, it's temporary and I will heal. The better news is, there was no sign of anything cancerous in the mass they removed from my ovary. My family has been so wonderful and has taken great care of me since I came home from the hospital. I am a lucky woman. I am not used to being the patient at all, so it's been kind of hard. I really thought I would be feeling much better by today.. Maybe tomorrow will be the big turning point.
In the midst of all of this - Elijah's scans continue to be clean - No Evidence of Disease.. Hannah made it through 10th grade and is now a Jr. - and I made the Deans List carrying 13 hours last semester! woo hoo!!!
I am glad summer is here. Time to heal and rest and regroup.
Life is Good.
The Girls
I had to take the girls to the doctor today. I had my very first ever mamogram. While I can say that it was not fun - it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be either. Sure - they squished them down on the cold machine in ways that shouldn't be repeated. It was not comfortable. I almost laughed when the girl told me to hold my breath. I thought "you have my boob in a vice and you think I am actually breathing right now?" I didn't say it though. It was brief and not so bad. Instead of giving you a gown, they give you a little cape. I actually thought it was kind of cool! I told Britt I felt like "SUPER BOOB WOMAN".. He said I was already super boob woman. I wonder if that was meant to be kinda sexy and cool, or if my husband called me a super boob and got away with it. ha! I guess I will never know because either way, it's kinda funny so I won't question it.
Anyhoo.. All is well with "the girls". I got the "now that you are close to 40, you know you need to come back every year now.." blah blah blah. I know.. I am growing old. I am super boob woman. I will come back when I am ready.
Flood
Our den flooded last night during the storms. Our carpet was soaked. Thankfully, none of the furniture was affected. We ripped the carpet up - it was nasty. Now I have concrete down there. I almost wish that I could get someone to stain the concrete and leave it like that.. but that might be more expensive than carpet, honestly. Carpet is just nasty though. I was so stressed out. Here the den was nasty wet - Britt was coming home early so we could work on it. John was here ready to help. Britt ran out of gas on the way home. Are you kidding me? When he called and talked to Elijah - Elijah said "Mom, dad needs you to bring him the gas can". I SERIOUSLY thought he was joking. Again, another time for me to get back down on my face and thank God for the blessings and put this all back in his hands. Maybe I am being too controlling so he is trying to remind me that no matter how hard I try to control and dictate, it's all out of my hands so I need to give it up to him anyway.
Hannah is doing lifeguard certification this week. I am so proud of her! I never would have had the guts to do that when i was a kid. She amazes me. Now she will be able to work as a lifeguard this summer. What a cool job! I worked at a place called Burgers Plus when I was her age.. and YES - it was a glamorous as it sounds.. :)
The things you learn from facebook.
Wow. Hannah is home. She is looking on her facebook. One of the girls she went to elementary school with has posted on her facebook that she is pregnant. She is 16 years old. Now.. for the most part I would be really concerned, but I think this is the 3rd time that this kid has said she was pregnant. (I think the 1st time was in 4th grade). She has made up so many stories over the years, it's hard to believe anything she says. Hannah is posting on her facebook that she needs to stop lying and get some help. Kids amaze me.
One more weekend to go
After tomorrow, I will have one more weekend to go at work. I will still be there on Mondays.. but no more weekends. I wish I would have told them this would be my last weekend so I could go to church next Sunday for Mother's Day. Oh well. I am tired today. I have high hopes for my surgery and what it will help. I hope I am not just wishful thinking though. I am pryaing that my energy levels will improve, that I will have a more manageable appetite once my hormones aren't so out of whack. I am also praying that my skin and hair will get a little more close to normal. I wish I could get this done tomorrow - I am having pain and am ready to be done. I know I might change my mind when I am hurting and trying to recover.
Prayer
I had an email from a friend of mine not long ago. I was having a few dark days - which are not out of the norm for me. I was very worried about Elijah and in the midst of a full on pity party - streamers and all. I have a few friends that are always a comfort, but one that really makes me stop and think about things and put things back in God's hands where they belong. She said something to me that I just can't put out of my head. She talked about times when she would doubt and have dark days like mine.. She said she got down on her face and prayed. Not on her knees - not sitting in her car or trying to find a quiet spot like I do.. but full on, down on the floor face down.. and prayed. Wow. This blows me away. Such total submission to God and his will. I have thought about it and thought about it.. I can't get it out of my head. I want to be able to give it all over to Him. I want to be able to have all this worry and burden lifted from my shoulders. I need to get down on my face and pray for Him to fill the void inside my heart and soul. The void left by the loss of my Mom. The void of not having a father. The void and guilt from being away from Hannah so much. The pain of watching Elijah go through what he does and feeling inadequate to make it better. The guilt of the things I have done and said to my husband over the past ten years out of fear, anger, and frustration. The guilt of projects and promises that I have not followed through with. I am tired of filling this emptiness with the wrong things. (no, I don't do drugs and I am not an alcholic). It's time to be filled with Life. With God. With forgiveness and moving on. It's time to get down on my face and pray...