Depression & Anxiety

 Depression and anxiety both play such a major part of my existence.  I've been wanting to write about it for a while, but just couldn't bare to get started.  It's one of the ugliest things in my life and has been for a very long time.
I think I was 10 years old the first time I saw a psychiatrist.  I have had relationships ruined, jobs lost, goals never achieved, weight gained, weight lost, cystic acne, hair loss, irritable bowel syndrome, insomnia, stress tension headaches,  panic attacks, missed opportunities and so many disappointments - all because of depression, general anxiety disorder, and the insecurity that goes along with both. 
Over the past 30 years I have taken prozac, paxil, zoloft, effexor, celexa, lexapro, trazadone, amitriptyline, and wellbutrin.  I am currently taking celexa and wellbutrin.  I have had countless therapy sessions.  I own enough self-help books to open my own bookstore.  (self help and diet books - I think there's a correlation)  In all honesty, I should be in therapy now but I just don't have time. Before you say "you need to make time" you have to understand my situation.  I have a child with cancer.  We spend half of our time out of state for treatment.  The time I am at home is spent trying to catch up enough to get ready for the next trip.  There is no regularity to my schedule. Since I don't have time to go to therapy, my blog will be my therapy for a while.  Sorry.  This is for me.  Not you - so it won't be sugar-coated.  It won't be pretty.  It may not make sense half the time, but I need to get some of this out. 
I've been having a hard time lately.  A really hard time.  I think my meds are doing okay, but most days I just don't have the will to get out of bed.  I can imagine how hard that is for my husband and my kids.  They just think I'm lazy.  I don't want my kids to think of me as always being in my bed.  That's how my mom was.  I want to be the mom that is involved with my kids and active.  It shouldn't be that my husband is shocked when he comes home and I'm dressed and have make up on and the house is clean.  He should be shocked if I'm still in pj's and the house is a wreck.  Sadly, he's been used to the latter. 
Because I've recognized that I'm in a bad place, I've decided to practice something that a therapist told me years ago.  "Fake It Til You Feel It".  I don't fake my feelings for my family - ever.  But I have been forcing myself to get up at a specific time, make my bed so I'm not as tempted to crawl back in it, shower and get dressed first thing, and come up with a schedule for my day with Elijah.  It helps both of us to be on a schedule even if it is a flexible one.  (with cancer you have to be flexible).  I think it works to a degree.  I'm a bit more confident with my appearance, feel more confident in my parenting skills, and definitely feel as though I am making strides to be a better wife. 
Don't get me wrong.  I'm a great mom.  I love my kids and have a great relationship with them.  I make sure they have what they need.  Make sure they get to their appointments and do their school work.  I have a schedule for Elijah's medication that he takes 3 times a day.  I tell my children that I love them several times a day.  They know that I am proud of them.  I homeschool Elijah and I read to him every night.  I have long, deep conversations with Hannah on a regular basis.  My children are both bright, funny, talented and active.  I'm doing something right.  It's just a struggle.  I have calendars and lists everywhere because I am very forgetful.  Britt sometimes has to tell me things several times.  It's frustrating.
I'm also a good wife.  I love my husband with all of my heart.  I am loyal and faithful to him.  I am proud of him and tell him that regularly.  I pray for him every day.  We rarely fight or argue.  He makes me laugh every day, in spite of my illness.  For so many years he took my "not being happy" personally.  I think he still does to a point.  I am so happy with him, though.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  He is my true soulmate.  It's hard for a man to understand that his wife is unhappy and she really means it when she says she just doesn't know why.   
I've gone through periods of destructive behavior.  Never drugs or hurting myself or anything like that.  Just other things.  Now my mode of personal destruction is compulsive emotional eating.  I'll be looking for self  help books on emotional eating this week.  Suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. 
I've been through some shit in my life.  A lot of shit, actually.  It's quite amazing that I'm as functioning and normal as I am.  I guess it's because I have to be.  I guess my hatred for cancer and my love for my family are stronger than this bit of mental illness that I constantly wrestle with. 
It's 2:19 am.  I took sonata 3 hours ago.  Sometimes I really miss ambien.