Not Working

Being at home full time has it's advantages - and disadvantages. I mean, I am where I want to be right now. Taking care of Elijah instead of someone else doing it for me while I go to work. I don't think I could focus on work and would suffer endless guilt for not being with him. It does, however, make me realize that I don't think I would ever be happy being a "stay at home mom". Not full time anyway, for sure. I find that I miss adult interaction, but I hide from it all in the same notion unless it's at the hospital. I guess I feel like I fit in there, but not many other places anymore. Britt went to a convention this weekend. I wanted to be there, but then thought that I was thankful for being at home. I don't understand architect speak and really don't feel like I have much to contribute to conversations these days other than Elijah and what's going on with him. I miss working - but not the actual act of going to work. I miss being told by my peers that I am doing a great job or that I am needed. I miss feeling productive, but really have to work hard to be productive at home. Would it be any better if I were at the office? At this point, I really don't think so. In a perfect world, Elijah would be healthy and going to 1st grade with his friends and I would be going to work Monday through Friday to a job that I sort of like - depending on the day and my mood, that is! Not that i think that's perfect.. I guess in a perfect world, Elijah would be healthy - going to school, and I would be going to school too.. :)
I am rambling.
Monday we check him in for his 2nd Autologous Stem Cell Transplant. The first one was in January 0f 2006. I pray this one works and he defeats this beast for good this time. He is really handling it all like a trooper. I worry about him so much - worry about what is really going on in his head and if he is more scared than we know. He goes through so much - and believe me, this transplant is no cake walk. He is going to be one very sick little boy. Thankfully, he doesn't remember much of it from the first go round. Could be his age, or it could be all the pain meds he was on. Either way, I guess it's a blessing he doesn't remember.
Tomorrow is our last day at home for a while. I am stressing. I want this all to go smoothly. I know we all do.
I guess I will try to get some sleep.. I am sleeping better - just on a bit of a strange schedule. going to bed late and waking up around 9. I do feel better though. :)
peace.