It's 1am and here I sit. I am disturbed this evening. Not that it's any different from any other evening. We have an acquaintance from the hospital. Their son is approaching his final days. It's infuriating. I pray that we never have to go through that. I pray that what we are about to put Elijah through works and that he is healed. I pray that I never have to tell my son that we have lost and he is going to die. It's maddening. I had a friend call and say that she so admires how strong I am. I don't feel strong. not at all. I really want to just roll up in to a little ball. But.. that wont happen. We will keep fighting. I just want to be able to get some semblance of normal and I am having a really hard time doing that right now. I need to lose weight and get in shape but just can't get motivated to do it. I am in a self loathing phase right now. I am miserable and just not feeling so great about myself these days. I guess sleeping all day doesn't make that any better.... then I just sit up all night and think of what I am doing wrong. Not zesty. Not Zesty at all. How do I get out of this slump? How do I get back on a regular schedule? I lack self discipline. How does one learn that? Okay.. enough of my pity party. Time to dust off and do something. I want to enjoy my life while it's good.
4 comments:
Life IS good! It is as good as we make it.
You are a phenomenal woman. I suggest taking a walk. Not only will you burn calories, but you'll clear your head and probably sleep better.
Chin up!!!
You are strong .... strength is when you feel like rolling up in a ball and shutting the blinds, but instead you roll up your sleeves and fight and smile and see that life is good every single day.
I'm always here for you.
Dawn,
Its good to discuss it when you get frustrated. Some people bottle it up, then end up in a ball on the floor (insted of talking about it).
You have every reason to be frustrated. Sometimes I read what you write both here and on Elijah's website. I keep wondering what magic bullet, what little piece of writing, what words of inspiration I could give you to have you feel better.
All I can say is that you are not in this battle alone. I'm on your side and support you. I know that others feel the same way. I know that there is a team running in October in support of Elijah and through Elijah, you.
Chin up! People care. They care about you. Everyone gets in a funk from time to time. If you are in a funk, use it to get better. We are all cheering for you!
Charlie White
Dawn,
I cannot even begin to imagine the enormous strain you are under... You ARE strong. You may not feel it, but it's there. It's understandable that you have no motivation for yourself right now -- everything you are/everything you have is being poured into your son. But you need to take care of yourself, too. You need to do this for yourself and for him. Unless you are healthy and rested, you cannot be strong for him. Don't dwell on what could be or might be or what could have been... focus only on what you can affect. Give everything else to God.
You ARE strong and I am in awe of you.
Much love,
Summer
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