But Which Ones????

I'm going to take 5 things off my bucket list... and I'm gonna do em! That's right.. 5 things. Now.. which ones should I do???? hmmmmmmm suggestions?

Randomness

Over the years I've filled out several of the little "getting to know you" emails and facebook questionnaires. I don't think they ever serve to really let anyone know anything shocking or terribly interesting. What I'm going to write in here probably won't be too interesting either, but what the heck? I've already taken my Ambien; I can write whatever I want. Have you seen the girl on Glee who says she has Asberger's just so she can blame random outbursts on her mild autism? I love that. I have now decided that my blog entries are AITS: Ambien Induced Turret's Syndrome. So here are some random and not very interesting things about me.
I used to collect unicorns. Lots of them. My grandmother asked me just a few weeks ago what happened to my unicorn collection and she seemed a bit shocked that I no longer had them. I have no idea when I got rid of them or what I did with all of them. I pray that they all have nice homes now.
When I was a young teenager, I listed to Ska, punk and rockabilly music. I listened to the B-52s waaaaaaayyyy before Love Shack came out.
I am an ex-smoker. I was never a heavy smoker, but it was a nasty habit just the same. I haven't had a cigarette in about 12 years. I honestly don't ever miss it either. It's pretty disgusting.
I like all vegetables but hominy and english peas. Those are just gross. I don't eat lamb or veal. Lamb is my choice because I just can't get past the thought of it. Veal is kinda the same, but more because in the Army they served nasty veal every single day and I think it's gross. I know I shouldn't compare Army food to normal food, but that's my reasoning.
I have been thinking that I'm going to start secretly planting little tidbits of information in my blog so I can see if my sister has been reading it or not. Passive aggressive, party of one? Yeah, that's me.
I once fell into my neighbor's recycle bin while rollerblading down my street. It was quite comical. My entire family got a huge kick out of it.
I get pissed off when people talk about not wanting to be around their kids, but then I think that in most cases I don't want to be around their kids either. (I said most, so that means not all. If you are reading this than I definitely am not writing about your kids)
Okay.. ambien is kicking in full force now. I need to sleep before I start talking about alien abductions. I'll save that for another day.

Conflicted

I've decided that I want to become really good at something. Anything. Well, anything other than bitching and whining. I am REALLY good at bitching and whining. So what could I master? I am thinking I would like for it to be something that would actually be of benefit to me or my family somehow. I can't sing. I can't play an instrument. I don't speak any foreign languages (other than Pig Latin, in which I am fluent) and I'm not good at sports. Most people I know are really good at at least one thing. I can't figure out what my one thing is. I'm going to find something, learn it, and become really good at it.
My husband is wishing it would be like, housekeeping or budgeting. Ha!
I need a career. I'm tired of just having a job. I'm frustrated and unqualified for most things that I would love to do because I've been doing what I am able to just to get by. It's time to branch out, friends.. Learn a trade, get me some mad skills other than my already mad ninja typing skills (and Pig Latin)

What a Monday!!

At the request of my darling daughter, I prepared a meatloaf for dinner. I figured it was the least I could do since she picked Elijah up from school and then had to come get me because my car had a flat. Don't I have a spare, you ask? No. The tire that was on the car was the spare. The other tire is flat and happily resting in the trunk of my car. Nice way to end the day, huh? Car repairs are inevitable and I know they need to be taken care of. Why, oh why do they have to REALLY have to be taken care of right before both of my children have their birthdays and just a few weeks before Christmas??? Dave Ramsey would have a field day with this one. I can hear him saying "Emergency Fund" in the back of my mind. I know, Dave. We're working on it.
Hannah put up her pink Christmas tree in her room. It's really cute. Elijah has as little tree for his room as well. I guess I'll put that in there tomorrow. Maybe this weekend I will get our tree put up. I'm really wanting a big real tree this year. We will see how that goes. I'm trying to be in the spirit. I am really trying hard, but the dark forces of bah humbug are getting to me. That and the "broke monster" is keeping me from purchasing things that I want to purchase. I'm trying to remember that It's not about the money and the stuff that you buy, but how can I make my house look festive without spending some bank? I can't. Definitely not on the outside. Oh well.
I need to go to bed. We are a one car family for now and will have to be up early tomorrow to get everyone where they need to be on time.
Ciao

a problem

I really think I have a problem. I can not stop eating. It's making me crazy. I seriously think I need to get help for this! It's not just because it's Thanksgiving. I'm eating stuff that I don't like or doesn't even taste good - just to be eating! I'm going to have to put myself on a diet just to limit what I am free to eat. Maybe that will help. I'm thinking about hypnosis - seriously thinking about hypnosis. This has to stop!

finally,, a post

I haven't blogged since August?? How is that possible? Wow. I know I've been busy, but jeesh. So much has happened over the past four months and I have had a lot to blog about. I can't believe I haven't written anything. I am getting lazy about updating Elijah's website too. I guess I should do that today as well.
So... I shaved my head in September. Crazy stuff, I know. It's at a very awkward stage right now.. I just sort of look like I have this burr of hair on my head. Not cool. I almost liked it better when it was closer to bald, but I sure won't shave it again. (just to avoid having to go through this phase). I shaved it with 46 Mommas. It was a really emotional event, and one that I'm so glad I took part in, even though I hate my hair right now. I am hoping that by my Birthday it will have grown out enough that it will lay down and not stick straight up and out - everywhere. It's terrible, really. I'm very thankful for hats.
I'm trying to find a new job. (shocker, I know) I'm at a point where I would like to go to work close to full time, but it's a challenge because Elijah still has needs above that of a normal kid. He still has to go to clinic every week. He still has to go to Philly every few months, and he still has days where he doesn't feel well enough to go to school. So.. I need a job with great flexibility, or one that I can work from home. I'm praying that I get good news about a job next week - one that would be perfect for our situation, allow me to work part time from the house and make the same that I would make working full time at the hospital. Sounds too good to be true, right? It does to me too, which is why I'm crossing my fingers, saying extra prayers, and doing everything I can so that my karma is good. I think it's time that we had something awesome like this come our way. I have to remind myself that good things can happen too, right? Right.
I'm feeling crafty today and would like to get some projects finished, but it's rainy outside and I'm kinda enjoying things being quiet and CLEAN here in the house. Maybe I will do some things later. I do have some things I've started that need to be finished.. and some things that I need to start before time gets away from me. Britt was busy this morning putting Christmas lights on the outside of the house, but it started to rain and stopped that project. I think we are more in the Christmas spirit this year than we have been in a long time. Things are pretty good. We are still broke as ever, but Elijah is doing well, we are both working, our bills are in decent shape, and we feel like we can actually breath and relax for a bit. It's nice.

My new binder...

I am having some days of clarity, or at least I think it's clarity. Perhaps its just me being oblivious to my normal clueless-ness. Ha!
So here is what I have determined. No big shocker that I need to get things in order. Having things out of order is what creates the majority of my stress. (My hair is still falling out, have I mentioned that recently?) So.. I have read books and read blogs and done exercises and enlisted the help of friends. None of this works unless I actually do the work. With my head being in such a total fog all of the time, I forget to do what I need to do or I lay in bed completely overwhelmed by everything I need to accomplish. Not cool, man. Not cool at all. So.. I am tired of other peoples systems that have bits and pieces that work for me and pieces that don't work at all. There isn't one book that fits the way that I want to do things or that will help me to accomplish all of my goals. My life is different than everyone else on this planet. What I need to do on a day to day basis isn't the same as anyone else that I know. So, I have started my own "system". I have a very large binder that is serving as the center of my universe right now. I have a page for every day and on each page is included what my work schedule is and what appointments I have. I also have what I am preparing for dinner, weekly chores that need to be done that day and daily chores that need to be done that day. I also have notes like "Hannah move in day" or "Elijah drop off at camp" on the top of pages that I need to remember big stuff. In the front of my book I have a zipper pocket that includes all the recipes I need for dinner for the week and a separate page that has weekly menus and grocery list. My plan is to schedule things that I need to do for myself as well as the things I need to do for the house / family. For example, I have scheduled an appointment to give myself a manicure and to tweeze my eyebrows. Some may think this is absolutely ridiculous, but I don't get get manicures or eyebrows done and tend to put things like this off until it's way past time and I look like a sasquatch with a unibrow who has been digging for potatoes. Not pretty.
I am going to expand the binder to include things that Elijah needs for school such as homework, school activities and assignment due dates. For now, it's a work in progress. It's my hope that it will help me keep on track, not forget things as much, and stay on a schedule with housework. I'm hopeful. :)

The Ronald

I am at "The Ronald" with Elijah. We flew in to Philly yesterday morning. We don't normally know until the day we arrive if we will have a room here or not. It's always full so it just depends on whether someone checks out and goes home and how far down we are on the waiting list.
Normally when we are here Elijah doesn't want to stay in the room at all. He wants to go to the teen room and play video games or pool or he wants to look at the movies in the office or do crafts. This time he isn't much wanting to play. He went to bed at 8 last night and slept for 12 hours. Tonight he just wanted to watch a movie and go to bed. He's hurting from his procedure and seems to have a headache from anesthesia. I'm praying he feels better tomorrow.
At times I feel sorry for myself when we are here. Sad because we are away from home and frustrated that he has to go through so much. I feel sorry for myself until we are downstairs in the kitchen and see a tired momma whose just come back from the hospital - and doesn't have her child with her. You can tell her apart from the others. She has on the blue inpatient id band and sits alone staring straight ahead. She eats quietly and slowly. I can't imagine what runs through her mind. I pray for her. I pray for her and I'm thankful that I have Elijah with me. Even when he feels bad, we can still watch movies and talk and laugh. Not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed that he is still with us. I'd come up here every week and not complain about it one bit just to have him with me and well. So.. my goal is to not complain about our situation and what we go through. I am blessed.

Yep. I already took my Ambien..

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Take my ambien, wait for it to start working, and then come up with all of these brilliant thoughts that I simply must put down in my blog. Maybe this is why musicians often do drugs. Funny thing is, I know that what I am about to write really isn't some stroke of poetic or prophetic genius.
I'm shaving my head in just about two months. I seriously need to get some weight off before the big shave or I fear I will look all butch. I just need to learn how to put makeup on for those with no hair and I need to get some very pretty and feminine earrings. Perhaps I should just get some baggy jeans and a couple of wife beaters. I think I still have a pair of Doc Martens. My hair grows super fast, so I'm really not too concerned about me being bald for a terribly long time. I just don't look good with short hair unless I'm thinner. So.. anyone want to volunteer to be my personal trainer for free? How about beauty consultant for the bald and the beautiful?
Okay, I've been interrupted twice and have now forgotten all of the other witty and charming things I wanted to talk about. Darn ambien. I think one of them was an herb garden. Maybe I will blog about that later though.
If you are one of the three people who read my blog, will you share something with your friends? www.46mommas.com and www.gofundme.com/talley-travel-fund
We are trying to raise funds for 46 Mommas and are trying to get help to get us to Washington DC for the big shave. We appreciate any bit of help.
I guess I need to go to bed.

Just The List

Okay.. I have some things on my list that are bugging me - so I'm going to put them down on here. This is not my bucket list - which is full of wonderful things I would love to accomplish at some point. This is just crap that stresses me out that I wish I could fix.

1. For Elijah to be well.
2. For my car to be fixed.(needs a hub cap, tires, and to get the fender fixed - it's falling off)
3. For Britt's car to be fixed.
4. To get mine and Britt's dental work done.
5. To own the house that we live in (or at least get another year on the lease).
6. To have all of our bills caught up.
7. To have my whole house clean and know where everything is. (yeah, crack smoking crazy.. I know)
8. To be able to go to the foot doctor and have my toe looked at.
9. To get the cyst removed from my wrist
10. To be able to get Hannah what she needs for her dorm room and to start school
11. To be able to get Elijah new clothes and shoes for school.

This is what I need to alleviate my stress. These are a few of the things in my life that drive me nuts. Number 1 being Elijah's health. I guess I should start looking at which ones I can do anything about and not worry about the rest. That's kind of hard to do when I have to pop the fender back on my car every time I drive it. Elijah is embarrassed of it.. can't say that I blame him. I do know that it's much better than what my mother embarrassed me with when I was his age. Remember Gremlins? Yeah.. mom had one.. When she didn't have that she borrowed my aunt's Pinto.
I am tired and my ambien has kicked in.. so I know I'm rambling. If I start talking about alien abductions, just stop reading. It doesn't mean I've been abducted, just means that I am no longer coherent. like I ever really am!

Work?

I am working a lot over the next week. I actually don't have a day off until Thursday which means I will have worked 6 days straight. Granted, a few of my shifts have only been 4 hours, but it's work just the same. I am going to like my next paycheck, I think. I think it will really help out with some existing bills and upcoming expenses.
I can't believe school starts in a little more than a month. It seems like they just got out. It will be Elijah's last year at his school. We have loved having him at Jefferson. I'm not certain what we will do for middle school. We are not too keen on sending him to public school even though that's where he wants to go. The public schools here are just too big once you get to middle school. I'm just not comfortable with him being in a large school environment with big classes,crowded hallways and bullies. We can't really afford private school and I am too disorganized to home school. I'm sure that a workable solution will present itself during the next school year.
Dieting sucks. Just so I am clear on that one thing. I did really well and lost quite a bit of weight on CLEAN, but can't get my head into it to do it again. I am thinking I'm going to have to do something middle of the road and just use myfitnesspal or count WW points. I don't want to be fat, but I can't take feeling deprived. It's causing me to binge, which is terrible.
Man, I'm whiny! ha! Maybe I need to go back to the beach. I don't think I whined as much at the beach!

sleep

We've just returned from Lighthouse Family Retreat. It's an amazing experience, to say the least. I loved it. I wish I could work for Lighthouse and be there every week.. okay, maybe not every week. I think perhaps I would be exhausted beyond repair then. I'm pretty tired now and we had people doing everything for us the entire time we were there. Everything but sleep, that is.
I love being that close to the ocean. It calms me and amazes me. To me, the ocean is a reminder to let go. Some things we just can't control no matter how hard we try. It's a reminder that God is in control and there are things that are greater and more powerful than we can ever hope to be.
Lighthouse reminds me that I want to be a better wife. That I want to show Britt that not only do I admire and respect him, but that I am so proud of him. I am thankful that he is such a great dad and a husband that i can be proud to call mine. I have to say there were a few husbands at the retreat that I genuinely felt sorry for their wives. Perhaps I judge too much. I just think I'm pretty blessed in that department.
So the week started with me having the worst kidney infection I can remember in a long time. I was miserable. I went to the doctor before we left and got some antibiotics which seemed to work wonderfully. A few days after we were there, I was horsing around with Hannah and I fell backwards off a very short ladder and broke a shelf in our beach house. ouch. I still hurt (I think I pinched a nerve - guess that's what I get, right?) Then the sore throat starts.. sore throat, runny nose, watery eyes.. YUCK. You aren't supposed to be sick at the beach! I'm still fighting this summer cold. I think if I could sleep for a couple of days, I would be better. I just want to sleep.
So.. time to start working on my bucket list, after I quit coughing and sneezing.

Busy Days

I think my "to do" list is a mile long today. How am I getting it all done? I am blogging! Go me! I had to go to Elijah's school and pick up Hobo and all of Elijah's things this morning. He desperately wanted to say good bye to Mrs. Faulkenberry. We may have to track her down this summer and let him see her. He's had the best luck with teachers at Jefferson Elementary. I am already stressing over who he will have for 5th grade. We are praying for Mrs. Baranek. She's new and supposed to be awesome. We like awesome! i am going to wait til Summer is over and then I will stress over middle school. Elijah wants to go to public school but I think the public school is too large and fear that he will be teased and bullied. He's quite the spitfire, but gets his feelings hurt easily if he thinks he's being made fun of or singled out. Kids can be wonderful and kids can be mean. You just never know what you are going to get. We can't really swing private school but have heard that several have scholarship opportunities so we may look in to that. I'd like to keep him with his friends, but some of them are going off to private school too. hmmmmmm
Elijah is gone to camp right now. It's quiet around the house. No music playing, no computer games in the background, no tv. I just hear birds and the occasional car drive by. I may have to turn on some music while I clean to avoid talking to myself. (Who am I kidding? Music will NOT keep me from talking to myself)
Hannah is all graduated now. She's busy working at her summer job before school starts in the fall. I'm so proud of her! I can't believe she is so grown up.
Not much else going on with me. I am no longer working at the church, which I must say has been great for my stress level. I don't worry about messing things up or forgetting things all the time. I just work at the hospital and when my shift is over, I come home. It's nice. I am working more now than I was when I was at the church and recently got a raise at the hospital, so I am making a bit more money than before. Always an added bonus!
We are getting ready to head to Lighthouse Family Retreat on Sunday!!! I can't tell you how ready I am for this trip. I can't wait to hear the ocean again. We snuck a quick trip to Atlantic City about a month ago when we were in Philly. We didn't spend any money on anything or do much but walk on the beach and the boardwalk. It did my soul good to hear the waves. Why is that such a soothing and powerful sound? To me, the ocean is a symbol of God's power and a reminder that there are some things that are just mightier than I am: things that I can not control. I love it.
I would like to start blogging more. I would really like to write a book. there was a mom in the lobby of the hospital the other day that had written a book called "NICU Mom". I could totally do that. "Onco Mom".. That's me. It sounds like a superhero name though, and I am totally no super hero. Maybe that's what my book should be about: that you don't have to be a super hero just because you have a kid with cancer. You just have to be a mom.

The Bucket List

Someone posted something the other day about a "bucket list". They were asking people to share three things on their bucket list. It got me to thinking - I don't have a bucket list. I figured right away that I had plenty of things on my list of things that I wanted to do, see, or have.. why not just start that list and call it my bucket list? So that's what I did. So far I have 38 things on my bucket list. If I can get to 50, I think I will be satisfied with that. They are not in order of importance or in order of how they will be accomplished. Just 38 (hopefully soon to be 50) random things that I would like to experience in my life. Some materialistic, some selfless, and some just plain ole fun.

1. lose 70 pounds
2. Run a 5K
3. See a play on Broadway
4. Own a nice car (Mine have always been yucky)
5. Put my life story in writing
6. Renew my vows and have a wedding (preferably with Britt)
7. Snow Ski - just once!
8. Learn to cook Beef Wellington
9. Grow a garden
10. Take a Cruise.. doesn't have to be a long one. a 3 day would do.
11. Learn and become good at Yoga
12. Own a diamond ring
13. own a string of pearls
14. visit Europe
15. Play Tennis
16. Develop a personal sense of style
17. Find a career that I would love
18. Have a very best friend.
19. Get another tattoo
20. Create a piece of art
21. Own a large Elizabeth Weber painting
22. Learn to meditate
23. Take a trip with Hannah
24. Develop a stronger and more brave faith
25. Be more environmentally aware in our home
26. Help someone truly in need - change someones life for the better
27. Be in a small play
28. spend more time with kim, sue and Jessica
29. Keep my house clean for a whole year
30. Get Britt to draw me something
31. Camp at the Grand Canyon
32. See Mt. Rushmore
33. Take a vacation that's not cancer related
34. Learn Spanish
35. Take a ballroom dance class
36. Snorkel
37. Become a morning person
38. Volunteer at a soup kitchen

So there's my list. It doesn't have things like shave my head or help find a cure for cancer.. those are things already on my list... things in the works now. So.. if you know of someone who could help me to start marking any of these things off my list, let me know. :) Some of them are actually quite doable.

What can I say?

Sometimes I feel as though I'm making positive steps toward change, and then other times I feel like crippling depression is holding me so far down that i can't catch my breath. I decided not to attend school this semester. I'm going to take a break from it for a great while, actually. I know that I am over 40 and that finishing school has been a goal of mine for a long time, but I just can't get my heart in to it right now. I can't focus, I can't absorb, and I can't keep up. I'm so tired of doing everything half-assed. I actually feel good about my decision. Have had no regrets about it at all. That may change in a few months, but oh well. What do you do? For now, it was the best thing for me.
Britt and I are trying to detox our diet right now. It's been tough, but I've lost 5 pounds in less than a week, so I guess it's worth it. I have cheated a tiny bit here and there, but nothing drastic. I haven't had a diet coke in 5 days - which is a major feat for me. I hope I can stay off of it for good. I've had the habit for 25 years, so it's not easy to kick.
We are looking for a new church. We are visiting one tomorrow that seems to be drawing me in. Maybe it's God telling me that's where I need to be right now. I have to have something positive and uplifting to fill this void I feel. I know that God can do it.. I just have to let him.
I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning. As much as I convince myself it's because of my diet or lack of exercise, I know it's the depression getting worse. I haven't been taking my antidepressants like I should - even though I know they help. I don't know why I haven't been. Mostly because I forget. You'd think lying in bed feeling like your world is about to come crashing down around you would be enough of a reminder to take a dang pill. I will start back with them tomorrow. I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist - but can't get in to see anyone for 6-8 weeks. How crazy is that? I am thankful that I am not one of those people who wants to hurt myself (or someone else).. Having to wait that long is ridiculous. What saddens me is that there are that many people dealing with mental illness, that you can't get an appointment for such a long time.
I want to be happy. I want to have adventures. I want to be healthy. I don't want to avoid my friends because I would rather crawl in to bed and watch movies on the computer. I want to cook and enjoy my family. I want to feel motivated. Life is good right now - and I really want to enjoy it. I'm tired of avoiding everything.

Happiness

This past Saturday marked my 41st Birthday. In spite of the fact that the pedicure guy asked my sister if I was her mother.. In spite of the fact that I think I've gained 10 pounds and am so swollen and puffy... In spite of the fact that my face is broken out like a 15 year old boy..In spite of the fact that I have gray hair running amok.. I was happier this weekend than I can remember being in a very long time. I loved it. I spent time with my family and a few of my dear friends.. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt, I ate great food, saw a wonderful movie, was pampered and spoiled.. did I mention that I ate great food? Wow.. My kids played together at the park and I enjoyed seeing them both laugh and smile so much. That's what life is all about, right there. Yesterday was lazy. We went for our third visit to a church we've been considering and then came home. We didn't leave the house for the rest of the day. I think 3 times is enough to make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue going someplace. I think we've decided that it's not for us and will move on to a different church now.
I am drinking my one diet coke of the day. I am back to using myfitnesspal again and need to get on some sort of exercise routine. I'm just scared of all of the hills in our neighborhood (and really don't want anyone seeing my fat self try to run during the day)
This upcoming weekend will be mine and Britt's 12th wedding anniversary. I think that's a pretty big deal! I can't imagine that someone would put up with me for 12 years. I love that man.. I think I'll keep him.

Snow Days

We've had lovely snow here in Little Rock for the past couple of days. Elijah really enjoyed it. He isn't one of those kids that will get out in the snow and stay out until you force him to come back in. He just goes out in spurts. He will stay outside and play for 10 or 15 minutes and then come in to take a break. Granted, he will want to do this 7 or 8 times, but I think it's better than staying out all day. Britt has had a fire going in the wood stove so the pets have taken up residence on that side of the house and have barely moved. It's pretty funny, actually.
So I know that I mentioned in my last blog entry that we were looking for a new church and I know I said that I probably wouldn't blog about losing my best friend - but the two are a bit related, so I guess I will blog about it. I am not for airing dirty laundry on social media nor am I going to talk badly about anyone on the internet (not anyone that I know, anyway) but I will give the basic outline.
Recently I felt verbally attacked by my (now former) best friends wife. She said some things to me that were really hurtful, but basically expressed what her true feelings were for me - so good on her for being honest, right? She ended the conversation with a threat and then followed up by telling her husband that I said some things that I never said. During the conversation she told me that my life was miserable and that I was mean and venomous. Okay.. So.. Marriage comes first and alliance should always be with your spouse. That's just how I feel. So I think it's best to remove my self from the situation.
Here is the rub.. We had been thinking of possibly finding another church home. We love the church we have been attending but felt as though we really wanted to be more involved and wanted Elijah to be motivated to learn and connect. So far, where we were he hasn't. He loved the people there but had zero interest in getting involved in any of the children's activities - which means it's hard for Britt and I to get involved in any of the adult activities. My friends wife works there so us being on the outs made it a bit easier for us to make the decision to start looking elsewhere. I don't want to be in any uncomfortable situations - especially at church. Avoidance is often how I cope.. I will own that.
so.. we have visited a couple of lovely churches. One Methodist and one not. We enjoyed both of them, but let me say this. Visiting multiple new churches around Christmas is NOT a good way to see what normal services are going to be like. We went to three different churches around Christmas. We heard the same songs at all three and heard the same message at all three. Granted, delivery and environment were all distinctly different but the overall message was the same. You can't really go and change up the story, can you? So.. we will try again. I worked last Sunday and am working again this upcoming. One of the churches we liked has a Monday night service and another we were thinking about has a Saturday night service..
Britt and I really want to make some positive changes this year. I think the way to start with that is to establish a stronger relationship with God. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ - but I want a deeper and stronger relationship with them. I want God to guide and control my life - not me. I'm obviously not doing such a great job controlling it, so it's time for Him to take over.
I am trying to let go of the hard feelings I have had for years. I don't have any hatred in my heart anymore and really just want happiness and peace. Honestly, I want to be able to just completely let all negativity go, put myself in God's hands, and move on with my life. But I'll still be avoiding some people.... for my own sanity. :)

Happy New Year

I haven't been updating my blog lately. I honestly just haven't felt like it. I feel like all I do is whine on here. I thought, "No one wants to read about you feeling sorry for yourself all the time!" Then I realized that my blog only has two followers anyway, so I might as well say whatever the heck I want, right? Who cares?
We were in Philly just after Christmas and got to play in the snow. It was fun and pretty for about 5 minutes, then I was over it.
Classes start for me next week. It should be my last semester. I hope and pray it's my last semester! I have some demanding classes so I am really going to have to buckle down. My GPA is in the toilet right now. I had a 4.0 my first semester back in school. There really isn't a reason I shouldn't still be doing well. Laziness, I suppose.
So I've made my list of goals for 2011. Some I guess you could say are resolutions. They include the usual "get in better shape and lose weight" stuff that I have on my list of everyday woes and gripes. My list also includes developing a deeper relationship with God and getting to a point where Britt and I are comfortable praying together. I want to focus more on my marriage and spend more time with Hannah. I want to finish my stupid associates degree and eliminate stuff that I don't use/need. I want to make my bed every day and keep my sink shiny. I also want a new couch and to get off the carbonated beverages. (Celebrities go to rehab for everything under the sun.. WHY don't they have a rehab for Diet Coke?)
My hair is growing out.. I'm actually liking having long hair again. I will get to enjoy it for about 9 more months and then it's all being shaved off.. I'm going to shave my head completely bald. I'm part of the 46 Mommas this year.. a group of moms from across the country that raise funds and then shave their heads. I'm excited, but nervous.
That's it from me for now. I have a lot more to say, but it will have to wait for another day. We are looking for a new church home - the few we have visited are worthy of a blog entry or two. I lost my best friend - looking for a new one of those too (doubt I will blog about that though) I am forever on the quest for organization and order.. I think 2011 may actually be the year that I get there.