Party's Over - Now the fun begins

Vacation is done. It was a blast, but now it's time to get back to "life". Today life began with errands- bill paying, prescription getting, chemo, etc. etc. I started a new WOE. (way of eating). Not really a new one - just started back on the tried and true methods of weight watchers to try and get some of this excess baggage off my bod. I know the plan works. I just have to stick to it, which is the challenge for me.
I am having a strange day other though. Thought wise, I mean. For some reason I thought it would be perfectly okay for Elijah to go to school for first grade. I doubt if Dr. Stine is going to want him to go to school with a port needle in most every day, will he? They can't take it out every day and then put it back in because of the risk for infection. I don't know why I thought it would be okay for him to go to school. I guess I just want him to be able to be as normal as possible and am in a bit of denial. I hate cancer. I hate that it threatens to take him away from me and keeps me awake at night. I hate that he can't have a normal life because of treatment that is working to save him. I wish I could make this all go away, move us to the beach where he could play every day, and not have to worry about anything ever again. ha. I guess most people would wish the same thing.
I feel like I have a good cry always waiting to explode from within. At a moments notice, it could erupt like a volcano of misery. Crying scares me anymore. The last time, I didn't think I would ever be able to stop. It was the heaving waves of nausea, hysterical sobbing, wanting to hit and punch and kick something sort of cry. This is my child. My life. My love. He makes me laugh every single day. How can I get to the point where I just have ultimate Faith that he will be healed completely and I will get to raise him and watch him grow up? How can I not be scared? How can I enjoy every day with him instead of dreading days without him? That's what I feel like I am doing and it sucks.
Stop worrying about stupid stuff. I am going to start coloring with him every day. Playing games with him and reading with him. I want to be amazed at everything he can learn. Happiness wont come from me being skinny, having my home decorated a certain way or driving a certain kind of car.. Happiness will come from enjoying everything I can with my family. Being a better mom. Giving Britt and the kids a life with a wife and mother that loves life and shares that love. I am not worried about school next year for Elijah. We can homeschool if we need to. I am going to be organized, I am going to be healthy, I am going to be more prayerful and Faithful, and I am going to take care of myself so I can take care of him. Those are my goals for today, tomorrow, and every day from here on out.
Peace