pouring the guts out

Elijah is away at camp. Hannah is there too. For the past two nights, Elijah has become very emotional at bedtime and has wanted to come home. I am so torn. I want to go get him in the worst way, but I know he is having a good time during the day. It's just at bedtime that he is getting really upset. I am seriously thinking of getting him tomorrow evening and bringing him home for the night, then taking him back in the morning. My heart is aching at the thought of him being so upset. I guess he cried himself to sleep tonight. I can't take that. Would I prefer that Hannah not tell me? No. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to my kids - I don't think it is anyway.
I made the decision a while back to go zero based at work - this means that I basically still work for the hospital but I only work shifts that I sign up for or when they need help. In the past - there have always been plenty of shifts to sign up for so I didn't think it would be a problem to get the hours. My boss even assured me that I would still be able to get the hours. Not so. The well has run dry it seems. There are no extra shifts to be had from now until July and then I only was able to sign up for 16 hours. I am not regretting my decision, but I sure am praying that a solution to my income situation will come along soon. I am really enjoying the time I am getting to spend with my family and still feel this was the right choice though.
I am really second guessing a lot of my decisions lately. I agreed to be president of Candlelighters. A group that I am very proud to be part of and they do great work for families whose kids are battling cancer. What was I thinking? I have soo bitten off more than I can chew with this one. We have a huge fundraiser coming up in a few months that we are ill prepared for. No one has stepped up to agree to chair the project and I don't have the organizational skills to pull it off. I am really worried that it will be a huge flop or I will forget something major. I have a huge heart and a lot of grand ideas - but no organizational skills at all. I don't want this group to suffer because of my lack of skills. I seriously am considering stepping down as president. I have, like many of my friends, overextended myself and am wanting to put my family first. I can't do that when I am stressed out about floral arrangements, art donations, credit card machines, brochures, sponsorship packages, and helping families.. And what is it going to be like when I go back to school in the Fall and so does Elijah?
I wish one of my dearest and most organized friendsin the world still lived close. I would, on bended knee, beg her to chair this project and help me get it on track.
I don't like quitting. It makes me feel guilty and loserish. I agreed to help with a class at church but wasn't able to fulfil my obligation because I just emotionally overextended myself - and we were traveling with Elijah to Philly. I felt awful! I was embarassed to go to church because I thought I had let them down. Why do I agree to do things that I know I shouldn't?
I don't trust many decisions I make any more. Maybe I should take the back seat and let Britt drive the bus for a while.
We are doing some great things though.. Britt and I are attending Financial Peace University to try and get our financial lives in order.. PEACE is the operative word. I have high hopes for that one. We are also doing Weight Watchers - the online program. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he is doing this with me! He is really keeping me on track - and encouraging me - which is what I need. So far it's going well and we are both losing - which is the goal.
Now.. we will one day move along to our house and it's repairs and declutter -
UGH I am so frustrated. I am going to pray that answers come to me tonight or tomorrow for all the things that are troubling me right now. I do have an interview on Wednesday. Is it the job I want? Will it be enough? Will I even get the job?
Prayers needed today, friends.. I need prayer about Candlelighters.. Gallery of Hope.. Elijah at Camp... My work.... Our financial peace quest... our journey to health.. Elijah's continued healing. It's all coming at me at once this week. Deep breath in... deep breath out.