I am not sleeping much these days.. Well, I am but it's usually after 2am. Elijah's schedule is all messed up. Elijah seems to be feeling so much better and I am thankful that he isn't in pain anymore. I am just leary of the treatment. It doesn't seem as aggressive as what it should be. The cure rate for relapse is only about 10%. I really feel that if any kid could be the 10%, it would be Elijah. A friend asked me the other day how I can be so positive on his website and not angry about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong. I am FURIOUS that he has to go through so much again and I am scared to death that we are going to lose him, but I read the other websites of kids going through treatment and hear their moms venting and bitching about everything and it irritates me. I am Blessed for every day I have with this kid and I need to act like it. Also, his website is for friends and prayer pals to see how Elijah is doing - not to hear how angry, hurt, scared, and depressed I am. That's what this one is for!! ha ha ha. There is a website where a mom actually talks about how she just knows that her daughter is going to relapse and not survive.. it infuriates me. Even though you might dread that with every inch of your being, it's just not something I think you should talk about - especially when your kid reads the website.
I want Elijah to have a good summer. I want to play with him and for him to have amazing experiences. He wants to do things..He wants to go back to Florida and stay at the Nick Hotel. He wants to learn to write in cursive (he already taught himself to write his name). He wants swimming lessons. He wants to go to Mexico City and see where Dad went to school. I want so much for him. I want to have family pictures taken at the beach, I want to take him to the grand canyon, I want to take him camping and canoing, - most of all I just want him to grow up. when Britt and I decided to have Elijah, we wanted so much to be parents and actually do it together and do it right. It was pretty tough being single parents for so many years. Why would God give us such an amazing kid just to take him back? I can't fathom that part of this whole thing.
Anyway.. enough of that. It's just what I have been thinking lately. I don't want to go back to work. Elijah gets to go to St. James next week if he feels up to it, so I will be at work. We bought a big pool and were going to put it up for him in the backyard, but it's going to cost too much and be too time consuming to get the backyard ready for the pool so we might take it back and get a smaller one. He wont be able to swim much since his port will be accessed two out of every three weeks. Ugh.
I cut my hair off.. I like it much better now. I wish I could figure a way to fix it and get it to stay fixed!! My face is clearing up, thankfully!! Now if I could just stop eating so dang much.. Sigh.
Prayers for today: positive thoughts for Eli's treatment, get Elijah on a better sleeping pattern, time with Britt, a good week of chemo, quiet weekend of family fun!!!
peace
Just thoughts
Deadly Sins
I was reading an article on msn today about the 10 most expensive homes in the world. It just about made me sick at my stomach. People will spend hundreds of millions on these ridiculous houses and here I sit trying to figure out what I am going to do about my work situation and wishing I could go out and buy a $139 carpet shampooer so my carpet in the house doesn't always look like crap. I would like to yank it all out and put new carpet or something else in but we definitely can't swing that right now.. and I see these slide shows with the pictures of the 10 bedroom homes with imported tile floors. .. floors that cost more than my entire house. I get jealous for their ability to do such things, but not for their stupidity for actually doing it. I wish these people could realize how many lives could be positively affected by that much money. How many parents of sick kids struggle because they have to balance working with treatment. how many parents like the Prado family who just lost their son and are struggling with how to even afford to get his body back to arkansas from minnesota. People shouldn't have to worry about shit like that. I think when your child becomes ill, something should automatically kick in and make the rest of your life worry free so you can concentrate on your family - enjoying your family and caring for your family. I think there should be a person that comes in and says "hand over your checking account and all of your bills - I will make sure everything is taken care of every month. Here is your gas allowance, entertainment allowance, and grocery allowance. The rest is all my worry".. and I wish there was someone who would come in and say "I am going to come to your house and clean. all you have to do is keep up with your laundry and pick up after yourselves".. I guess it's lazy of me to think such things though. I dont want to work, I don't want to pay bills (or have britt worry with it) and I don't want to clean my house.. DANG! What DO I want to do??? ha ha ha ha. Right now, I want to sleep. Elijah was up until really late and I tossed and turned even after he did fall asleep.
Prayers for today: rest, chemo to be working in his body, job situation to rectify itself, to be able to hand this all over to God so I can stop worrying with it.. Peace
It's Me Again...
I have applied for several jobs working on the weekends or at night at ACH and at UAMS. Britt just started his new job and needs to be there as much as humanly possible which is hard for him because he wants to be with Elijah as much as possible too. I just don't want to have to deal with that torn feeling I had when Elijah was in treatment before. Needing to be with him but feeling guilty for not being at work - then when I was at work I felt guilty for not being with Elijah. My job is just a job to me.. not a career, so I really don't care if I leave it and find another that will allow me to be with him, still contribute to our income (which I have to), but not feel guilty when I am working because he will be with Britt. (that was one heck of a run on sentence).
So many people reaching out to us. It's amazing. We seem to be doing okay and I think it's largely because of our support system holding us up. Britt and I are both angry though and it seems to be showing in the way we react to one another. I wish there was something we could do about that. Maybe we can get back in to the gym and take out some frustrations. That might help.
prayers for today: Chemo to work and for E to tolerate it well, my job situation to resolve itself, motivation to mop my kitchen floor today and do laundry, a peaceful day.
bad
I am having a bad day.
I hate cancer. I wish it had never invaded my sons body and our lives.
It's just not fair. I am pissed off. Elijah isn't feeling well and some of his labs came
back a bit higher than last month so they are scanning him on Wednesday. I have a bad feeling
but I always have a bad feeling, so that's not saying much.
About Time!
I am finally starting to feel better. My headache isn't constant anymore and the yuck feeling in my stomach is only every once in a while during the day instead of all the time.
Last night we decided to clean out the garage and have ourselves a good ole yard sale this morning. We really got rid of a lot of stuff!! What we didn't sell, Britt loaded up in the truck and took to Goodwill. Our garage, that was fully lined with plastic bins, is now nice and clean.. One more step on our way to organization! Now that the garage is cleaned up, we will move on to the house tomorrow and get some more stuff organized here. Tomorrow we tackle the beast that is our laundry.. YIPES!
We have a new addition to the Talley house. His name is Baden and he is a smooth fox terrier. I think this one is actually here to stay. We wanted a small dog that Elijah could play with and got little Peanut from my grandmother.. Peanut didn't want to do anything but tear stuff up, growl at everyone but me, and follow me around everywhere I went. NOT what we wanted in a dog. I was worried he was going to snap at Elijah. He really needed to be a one person dog so we found Peanut a new home. Two weeks ago we were coming home and found a little dog running down shackleford - we brought her home to try and find her parents. No such luck. CARE took her into their foster program to find a new home for her. Last week my sisters boyfriend called and said that his mom had a dog that we needed to come and meet. Well, we did and we fell in love with him so we brought him home. He is a smooth fox terrier and is smart as can be - a bit stubborn, but still a sweet heart. He LOVES to play with his ball.. Tinkerbell doesn't much care for him, but he doesn't mess with her too much.
Riverfest is next weekend. I am not prepared. The yard sale today wore me out so I can only imagine how I will feel after being outside at the festival for three days. I was determined that I would lose some weight and be in better shape before this years festival, but it didn't happen - again. Someday soon.. Now that I am feeling better we can get back in to the gym. When Hannah is gone to her dads during the summer it will be easier for us to eat better - Elijah will eat good stuff like salmon, tilapia, and grilled chicken all the time.. (That's my excuse right now - Hannah is picky so I eat garbage ALL DAY LONG! HA!) I did find all my weight watchers books in the garage yesterday. I really think that's the easiest program when you have kids and a family. It makes it easier to plan meals that everyone can eat.
Well, I guess I haven't written in so long, I had a lot to say.. :)
prayers for tomorrow: health for my kids, a good nights sleep, and motivation to get the house put together tomorrow..
Excuses, excuses..
things are going okay. I have had a near constant headache for about two weeks now. It's driving me nuts. I called Dr. Abel and will go in next week if it hasn't subsided by then. I am wondering if it's not insulin related... hhmmmm... Our class at church is about to wind down. I have to say that I will miss it though. It's kind of crazy that everything seems to be stopping at the same time. Church, soccer, and school for me all quit within the same week. I am sure something else will come along to take the place of all the activities, but I am ready for things to quiet down a bit.. i say that but I know in the back of my head that Riverfest is just around the corner and there is NOTHING quiet about Riverfest for the Talley family. :)
I think one of my goals for the summer, other than my plot for organization, (S, my purse is clean and I cleaned out my car today too... YAY!) is to read more. I love to read and haven't had much of a chance to do it lately.
I think tanning beds are horrible for you, but I really want to tan before riverfest so my legs are not glowing white. It's bad enough that they are big - they don't need to be glaring as well.. I have gone the past couple of years and done the mystic tan (yuck) but I don't want to mess with that this year. It's kind of yucky.i want to have a tan..
prayers for today: health and safety for my kids; my headache to go away; to find the owners of our newest furry houseguest.
PEACE
Late Night Rain
I am addicted to the show "Heroes". I have never watched it before but decided to watch the first episode online. wow! It's really cool!
It's raining. I like it when it's quiet and I can hear the rain. I think that's why I am still up... so I can hear the rain and just hang out in the quiet by myself for a bit.
I had my peer review for my comp class tonight. I got good responses on my paper. I have to finish it and be sure to include all my sources. I feel okay about it. I am almost sad for class to be over, but relieved too. I am tired of being really busy all the time and not having any down time.
I have been doing pretty good with my eating the past couple of days. Now if I can just get back in to the gym!
Prayers for today: health and safety for my kids. organization motivation for work tomorrow. and inspiration to finish my paper