Just thoughts

I am not sleeping much these days.. Well, I am but it's usually after 2am. Elijah's schedule is all messed up. Elijah seems to be feeling so much better and I am thankful that he isn't in pain anymore. I am just leary of the treatment. It doesn't seem as aggressive as what it should be. The cure rate for relapse is only about 10%. I really feel that if any kid could be the 10%, it would be Elijah. A friend asked me the other day how I can be so positive on his website and not angry about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong. I am FURIOUS that he has to go through so much again and I am scared to death that we are going to lose him, but I read the other websites of kids going through treatment and hear their moms venting and bitching about everything and it irritates me. I am Blessed for every day I have with this kid and I need to act like it. Also, his website is for friends and prayer pals to see how Elijah is doing - not to hear how angry, hurt, scared, and depressed I am. That's what this one is for!! ha ha ha. There is a website where a mom actually talks about how she just knows that her daughter is going to relapse and not survive.. it infuriates me. Even though you might dread that with every inch of your being, it's just not something I think you should talk about - especially when your kid reads the website.
I want Elijah to have a good summer. I want to play with him and for him to have amazing experiences. He wants to do things..He wants to go back to Florida and stay at the Nick Hotel. He wants to learn to write in cursive (he already taught himself to write his name). He wants swimming lessons. He wants to go to Mexico City and see where Dad went to school. I want so much for him. I want to have family pictures taken at the beach, I want to take him to the grand canyon, I want to take him camping and canoing, - most of all I just want him to grow up. when Britt and I decided to have Elijah, we wanted so much to be parents and actually do it together and do it right. It was pretty tough being single parents for so many years. Why would God give us such an amazing kid just to take him back? I can't fathom that part of this whole thing.
Anyway.. enough of that. It's just what I have been thinking lately. I don't want to go back to work. Elijah gets to go to St. James next week if he feels up to it, so I will be at work. We bought a big pool and were going to put it up for him in the backyard, but it's going to cost too much and be too time consuming to get the backyard ready for the pool so we might take it back and get a smaller one. He wont be able to swim much since his port will be accessed two out of every three weeks. Ugh.
I cut my hair off.. I like it much better now. I wish I could figure a way to fix it and get it to stay fixed!! My face is clearing up, thankfully!! Now if I could just stop eating so dang much.. Sigh.
Prayers for today: positive thoughts for Eli's treatment, get Elijah on a better sleeping pattern, time with Britt, a good week of chemo, quiet weekend of family fun!!!
peace