Being at home full time has it's advantages - and disadvantages. I mean, I am where I want to be right now. Taking care of Elijah instead of someone else doing it for me while I go to work. I don't think I could focus on work and would suffer endless guilt for not being with him. It does, however, make me realize that I don't think I would ever be happy being a "stay at home mom". Not full time anyway, for sure. I find that I miss adult interaction, but I hide from it all in the same notion unless it's at the hospital. I guess I feel like I fit in there, but not many other places anymore. Britt went to a convention this weekend. I wanted to be there, but then thought that I was thankful for being at home. I don't understand architect speak and really don't feel like I have much to contribute to conversations these days other than Elijah and what's going on with him. I miss working - but not the actual act of going to work. I miss being told by my peers that I am doing a great job or that I am needed. I miss feeling productive, but really have to work hard to be productive at home. Would it be any better if I were at the office? At this point, I really don't think so. In a perfect world, Elijah would be healthy and going to 1st grade with his friends and I would be going to work Monday through Friday to a job that I sort of like - depending on the day and my mood, that is! Not that i think that's perfect.. I guess in a perfect world, Elijah would be healthy - going to school, and I would be going to school too.. :)
I am rambling.
Monday we check him in for his 2nd Autologous Stem Cell Transplant. The first one was in January 0f 2006. I pray this one works and he defeats this beast for good this time. He is really handling it all like a trooper. I worry about him so much - worry about what is really going on in his head and if he is more scared than we know. He goes through so much - and believe me, this transplant is no cake walk. He is going to be one very sick little boy. Thankfully, he doesn't remember much of it from the first go round. Could be his age, or it could be all the pain meds he was on. Either way, I guess it's a blessing he doesn't remember.
Tomorrow is our last day at home for a while. I am stressing. I want this all to go smoothly. I know we all do.
I guess I will try to get some sleep.. I am sleeping better - just on a bit of a strange schedule. going to bed late and waking up around 9. I do feel better though. :)
peace.
Not Working
Party Recovery.
The party was a huge success thanks largely to our family and friends who helped, brought food, cleaned up, helped entertain kids, etc. I think they all had a blast. We have enough extra candy to make treat bags for the kids on gold on Halloween - which is what I wanted to do with the leftover candy. :)
Now I am getting my house cleaned up again to prepare for checking Elijah in to the hospital next week. I can't believe we only have a week left at home before transplant time. .
I have been praying a lot today. Very specific prayers.
I must go finish washing dishes.
hmmm
I have opened my blog every day for the past two weeks knowing that it needs to be updated, but not knowing what I should write about. Then I figured that I didn't really need to write about anything specific. I could write about nothing and everything. :) I am still on catastrophic leave from my job. I am hoping that will last through December. After that, I am not sure what we will do. I have to have income, but Elijah will still need to be home for six more months. I have been in prayer that a solution will present itself. I feel hopeful it will. My sister is here for a visit right now. Sunday is her birthday. It's nice to have her here.
I am so sleepy today! We didn't go to bed til late, then Elijah woke up around 2am with leg pains. I finally got him calmed down after giving him some tylenol and he went back to sleep. Britt left for work at his usual time so I was going to try to go back to sleep again - but then traffic on our street, the dog, noise, and the UPS man decided that sleep was overrated for me and I needed to get up. I am dragging. I see a nap in my near future.
We are having a halloween party for Elijah saturday. I just realized I am supposed to feed supper to the 30 folks who are going to be here, and haven't a clue what to make. Maybe I will just make a big pot of chili. ha!
Reading
I took the advice of my friend Summer and ordered the Mom's Devotional Bible. I got it about a week ago. I read the first devotional and started reading the book of Genesis. With my nightly reading, I would read a bit more of Genesis. Within a few days, I finished it. (not the Bible - Genesis) Then I read the book of Exodus. I am ashamed to admit that this is probably the most I have read of the Bible. I read a few passages and stories here and there, but never actually sat down and read. Not sure how much I will read in the Old Testament. I may start on the New Testament. I have read tons of stuff on different religions, but sadly have not studied my own at great length. I am just feeling like I need to have more knowledge behind my Faith, if that makes sense.
They had casual for a cause at school on Friday. The kids have to pay a dollar to dress out of uniform and wear what they want on the last Friday of the month. The dollar goes for a "cause". Here is what infuriates me. The cause is not what I would consider a cause. It's not for local charity or anything like that. It's for things that the school genuinely needs that are not provided by tax dollars. Art supplies, the music department, etc. Things the schools should easily have access too without the kids (parents) having to pay for it. If they wanted to do it to plant trees or buy a new piece of wanted but not needed equipment, I could better see it. It's sad. With all the stuff in the news about the anniversary of the Little Rock Nine at Central High, they have been talking about how there is still a division of race in the LR school system and how it's now 64% African American because most of the white students now go to private schools. They tried to say it was about race, but I really don't think it is. I think it's because of lack of faith and opportunity within the public school system. They are overcrowded and underfunded and the kids are the ones who suffer for it. If finances weren't an issue, we would have put the kids in private school in a heart beat. We have been lucky to have great teachers for the past two years or I don't know what we would have done. Oh well. It wont be an issue for us much longer. I am trying to get Elijah enrolled in a virtual academy so he will be homeschooled for the rest of this year.
Enough of my rambling. I know it's Sunday and is supposed to be a day of rest, but we have tons of little home improvement projects that need to be done today, so I must get busy.
PEACE
what do you want to be when you grow up?
I have always envied those who knew what they wanted to do with their lives and never waivered from it. My husband has known for the longest time that he wanted to be an architect. I have friends at the hospital who always wanted to be nurses and now that they are, they are happy and have never thought of doing anything else. I have waivered so much on what I want to be when I grow up - I fear I will never know. I think I am finally getting to the point where I have decided what to do about it. When all this cancer stuff is behind us and Elijah is healed once and for all (and he will be!) I am going to go back to school and study what I LIKE and what interests me. I love English and literature. I love religious studies, and I love psychology. I am done worrying about what I want to BE. I just want to get my degree in what I am interested in. I am sure the rest will fall in to place. We always joke that I should be a rich architects wife! ha ha. Maybe I will be by the time I finish school and then I won't have to worry about it anymore.
We put a twin bed in our room so Elijah is sleeping in his own bed now. Britt and I have our bed back and actually have room to sleep. It's been good for us, I think. Elijah is sleeping better and still feels safe being close to us. I am making progress on my house as far as cleaning and organizing goes. I am almost to the point where I can clean Elijah's room.. That's a scary thought. You can't even walk in there, it's just covered with toys. It's good that he is so well loved!
Giving it Up... and it's not even Lent!
I was up late last night reading the latest slam on Britney's VMA performance and I had a thought: "what does reading celebrity gossip really bring to my life?" The answer was absolutely NOTHING! I saw Britney.. I know it was bad... I saw that she wasn't built like she was when she was 20, but LAWD! The girl has had two kids! I am not making excuses for the lackluster performance.. she looked loaded and like she really just couldn't wait to be done with the whole thing so she could go do something else. What I am saying is, the media is slamming her for being "out of shape".... THAT'S out of shape??? I would give my eye teeth and probably part of a limb to be built like that!!!! Now...I might not put on a bikini in front of millions - but still.. It got me to wondering why I have this fascination with celebrity gossip and why I should care if Brad and Angelina were kissing in public or if Jennifer Anniston has a new boyfriend. Truth is - other than to carry on a conversation with my sister like we actually know these people, it's worthless. . so I give it up. I have changed my homepage to be prayforelijah.com instead of msn (it should be pray for elijah anyway). I am not going to go to cnn.com and scroll down to the entertainment section immediately. And I am not going to succumb to the teasings of comcast about watching celeb news on The Fan. . I am simply giving it all up. (my husband is reading this at work going "yeah, right") Susan and I have discussed many times the importance of surrounding ones self with things and people of value and integrity. Celebrity Gossip does not fall in to that category.. so it's gone. :)
Now.. I can't believe that I have devoted a whole blog to this subject - but it truly has been sort of an obsession with me.. First I give up All My Children and now celeb gossip\?!?! What next?
Prayers for today: healing for Eli, for Eli to want to go to school, to make it to Hannah's volleyball game, happiness and health for my family
It's Been a Week...
Gallery of Hope was this past weekend. It was a beautiful event. I think we raised well over $15,000 to directly help the families at ACH whose kids are fighting cancer. Next week Elijah is going to hopefully go to school and I will have tons of time to get things done around the house. I am really hoping that next week will be a good week to get some stuff organized. :)
I have been thinking that I really need to get a daily devotional book and start reading it daily. I used to have one and I liked it - so I will look for a new one next week or maybe find one online. I like the ones that are in a book format better, I think.
Today has been quiet. I have enjoyed the rain.