Sleep is overrated, right???

It's 130. I am awake. I don't like not being able to sleep, but I do sort of enjoy a bit of time by myself. At least it feels like time by myself. The house is quiet anyway. :) I have so much work that I need to do and I just really don't want to do it. I am ready for the new job - the one that I don't have yet.. ha!. I say that, but then I will bitch about not having weekends free.. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too, right? I want my backyard to be nice so I can sit out there and watch Elijah play and read my book and drink a glass of wine. It's not a pleasant place to do such things right now. It needs to be cleaned up, some things fixed up, and we need to get the dog under control. I love her, but it grosses me out to have her lick my feet or my legs.. and she does it all the time. Our deck needs to be replaced but I think we will have to do it a piece at a time. That sounds fun, doesn't it? Nope. Neither does raking leaves in 90 degree weather, but I am going to do it tomorrow.. the sweat will do me good. California is in two weeks.. I wanted to lose some weight, but didn't do it.. I wonder if I ever will. I am so negative tonight!! dang! I need to go to bed.
prayers for tomorrow: to work in the yard, to do some work, for Elijah to feel good

Busy Sunday

Today has been a good day. We went to church this morning and really enjoyed that. After Church and lunch, I started back in removing the wallpaper from the downstairs bathroom. I am 99% finished with that part of the project! That will be the 4th part of the house that we have removed wallpaper from. The kitchen will be the next one but we may just paint over that instead of removing. Not sure yet. After that we played with Eljah in his pool we put up for him. He had a blast. I initially wanted to get a larger pool, but am really glad we got this smaller one instead. He will really enjoy it, I think and it saved us a lot of time and money on yard work to prep for a larger one. All in all, a good day.. No house work done, but a good day..

Why Not Me?

So my friend had a good point.. I have a friend that could do some of that for me for free.. it got me to thinking.. I can do most of that for myself for free!!! I got up this morning and got some stuff together to work on my nails.. worked on my cuticles, buffed them down and shaped my nails, applied a nail strengthener and had myself a slimfast.. woo hoo! I need to wean myself off the crack that is diet coke.. I have actually been drinking coke zero lately but am determined to switch to tea and water. I have done it before.. I just usually slip every now and then and then it's right back to the old evil ways. yuck. I have a gym membership. I need to use it. Britt needs to use it and I know he would use it more if I did.

I am going to work on my house today. My sister is coming in to town for a couple of days and I would like the house to look presentable.. so.. not much time goofing off on this computer. I am going to do some work work.. some me work.. and some house work. I am going to try to tackle my eyebrows at some point today.. I may need a beer for that job though!!

No catchy title.. just friday night ramblings..

I am glad it's Friday, even though I haven't been at work hardly at all this week. I had an interview this morning at children's. I hope I get it. It would be working weekend nights in the NICU with the little babies. I am hoping to know something soon. I am wanting to do this primarily so I can be at home with Eli all during the week and not worry about missing work. I could take care of him and still work full time. Some people have said that I am nuts for wanting to work at ACH since we are up there so much anyway for Eli's treatments. Crazy thing is, I am comfortable there. I know my way around up there, and when he goes in for his second transplant, I can still work - but feel close to him too. I think it will make things easier. I love that hospital. I really want to go to nursing school eventually. That's why I started school. I soon realized that taking classes during the day was going to prove challenging while trying to work an 8 to 5 job. Working like this will make it easier for me to go back to school when Elijah gets done with treatment this time. ACH offers a tuition reimbursement too - so that's a bonus. PLUS. I would get to wear scrubs to work!!! woo hooo!!!! ha ha ha.
I sat down last night for some reason and added up how much it would cost to get my hair cut, have my nails done, have a pedicure and get my eyebrows arched.. wow.. It's expensive to be a girl.. and I get CHEAP haircuts by most standards!!

What is Victoria's Secret?

So I wonder.. Do most women just buy underwear and bras from time to time, or do they just wait til it all wears out and then go buy a whole bunch? I have no idea.. you see, I was very spoiled for a long time. My sister was a manager at Victoria's Secret for a few years. Whenever they had big sales, she bought me my bra's and underwear. When it came time for Christmas and Birthdays - I got new panties or the latest "miracle amazing make your boobs stand up and say hello" bra. For the past few years I have had to buy my own stuff!!! What the heck? Not that I am complaining, really. My sister went to work for Coach so I get really cool bags and stuff like that.. and people actually see those! I was just noticing today as I was folding laundry, that I need to go visit my friend Victoria very soon..

lost

I feel a bit lost today for some reason. I feel like there is something I really need to be doing, but I can't remember what it is. It's driving me nuts. I keep looking on my computer hoping that it will come to me in some great epiphany, but it never happens. I just cleaned my kitchen and I guess I will move on to laundry next. I borrowed John's carpet shampooer. I am hoping that will make me feel better about my house. I also started working on Elijah's room. THATS a HUGE chore!!! ugh. He just has so much stuff and I have no idea what to do with all of it. I did take most of his stuffed pals out and put them up.
I slept last night. Slept from midnight to 11am. I haven't slept that late in years!!! I have to say that it felt pretty good though. I got up and cooked a big breakfast / lunch for everyone. It was good and I enjoyed it. Elijah and Britt are playing with some of his toys that the kids at St. James sent. So sweet.
I go back to work on Monday for the week while he is at St. James. I am going to count points for breakfast and lunch and try to prepare somewhat healthy meals. I may even try to go walk on the treadmill at the gym.
It's 2pm. Where has the day gone? I guess that's what happens when you sleep the day away.
Prayers for today: Elijah to feel great, for our family to have a good day, to get a bit of work done, a feeling of peace.

Finally got a call!!!

When I updated my profile on the Arkansas Children's HR website, I noticed that the first time I applied for a job there was in 2004!!! Recently I applied for several positions that would allow me to work from 7pm to 7am on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This would make it possible for me to still have a full time job, but be able to be with Elijah for treatments. I will probably make less money, but I would make a lot less anyway with all the work I am missing. I am hoping this is an answer to a prayer. I think it would make me feel better anyway.. I was in such a FOUL mood yesterday. Just angry at EVERYTHING. Poor Britt has to get the brunt of it. I told my friend on the phone today that I was in such a foul mood that Britt could have brought me home flowers and chocolate, ran me a bubble bath, filled the room with candles and romantic music and I would have still been angry about SOMETHING. It was just one of those days. I am praying that this job thing comes through. I think it will take a huge stress off of me and let me be where I want. I can handle being away from Eli as long as I know Britt can be with him when I am not there. I think that will make things feel better for both of us. I don't want Britt feeling guilty because I am missing work- I really don't care. :)
Vacation is coming soon. I really want to take some time to just sit on the beach and watch the water. I miss the ocean.
prayers for tomorrow: easy day of chemo; good news about job situation; the cleaning fairy to come to my house!!!

Just thoughts

I am not sleeping much these days.. Well, I am but it's usually after 2am. Elijah's schedule is all messed up. Elijah seems to be feeling so much better and I am thankful that he isn't in pain anymore. I am just leary of the treatment. It doesn't seem as aggressive as what it should be. The cure rate for relapse is only about 10%. I really feel that if any kid could be the 10%, it would be Elijah. A friend asked me the other day how I can be so positive on his website and not angry about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong. I am FURIOUS that he has to go through so much again and I am scared to death that we are going to lose him, but I read the other websites of kids going through treatment and hear their moms venting and bitching about everything and it irritates me. I am Blessed for every day I have with this kid and I need to act like it. Also, his website is for friends and prayer pals to see how Elijah is doing - not to hear how angry, hurt, scared, and depressed I am. That's what this one is for!! ha ha ha. There is a website where a mom actually talks about how she just knows that her daughter is going to relapse and not survive.. it infuriates me. Even though you might dread that with every inch of your being, it's just not something I think you should talk about - especially when your kid reads the website.
I want Elijah to have a good summer. I want to play with him and for him to have amazing experiences. He wants to do things..He wants to go back to Florida and stay at the Nick Hotel. He wants to learn to write in cursive (he already taught himself to write his name). He wants swimming lessons. He wants to go to Mexico City and see where Dad went to school. I want so much for him. I want to have family pictures taken at the beach, I want to take him to the grand canyon, I want to take him camping and canoing, - most of all I just want him to grow up. when Britt and I decided to have Elijah, we wanted so much to be parents and actually do it together and do it right. It was pretty tough being single parents for so many years. Why would God give us such an amazing kid just to take him back? I can't fathom that part of this whole thing.
Anyway.. enough of that. It's just what I have been thinking lately. I don't want to go back to work. Elijah gets to go to St. James next week if he feels up to it, so I will be at work. We bought a big pool and were going to put it up for him in the backyard, but it's going to cost too much and be too time consuming to get the backyard ready for the pool so we might take it back and get a smaller one. He wont be able to swim much since his port will be accessed two out of every three weeks. Ugh.
I cut my hair off.. I like it much better now. I wish I could figure a way to fix it and get it to stay fixed!! My face is clearing up, thankfully!! Now if I could just stop eating so dang much.. Sigh.
Prayers for today: positive thoughts for Eli's treatment, get Elijah on a better sleeping pattern, time with Britt, a good week of chemo, quiet weekend of family fun!!!
peace

Deadly Sins

I was reading an article on msn today about the 10 most expensive homes in the world. It just about made me sick at my stomach. People will spend hundreds of millions on these ridiculous houses and here I sit trying to figure out what I am going to do about my work situation and wishing I could go out and buy a $139 carpet shampooer so my carpet in the house doesn't always look like crap. I would like to yank it all out and put new carpet or something else in but we definitely can't swing that right now.. and I see these slide shows with the pictures of the 10 bedroom homes with imported tile floors. .. floors that cost more than my entire house. I get jealous for their ability to do such things, but not for their stupidity for actually doing it. I wish these people could realize how many lives could be positively affected by that much money. How many parents of sick kids struggle because they have to balance working with treatment. how many parents like the Prado family who just lost their son and are struggling with how to even afford to get his body back to arkansas from minnesota. People shouldn't have to worry about shit like that. I think when your child becomes ill, something should automatically kick in and make the rest of your life worry free so you can concentrate on your family - enjoying your family and caring for your family. I think there should be a person that comes in and says "hand over your checking account and all of your bills - I will make sure everything is taken care of every month. Here is your gas allowance, entertainment allowance, and grocery allowance. The rest is all my worry".. and I wish there was someone who would come in and say "I am going to come to your house and clean. all you have to do is keep up with your laundry and pick up after yourselves".. I guess it's lazy of me to think such things though. I dont want to work, I don't want to pay bills (or have britt worry with it) and I don't want to clean my house.. DANG! What DO I want to do??? ha ha ha ha. Right now, I want to sleep. Elijah was up until really late and I tossed and turned even after he did fall asleep.
Prayers for today: rest, chemo to be working in his body, job situation to rectify itself, to be able to hand this all over to God so I can stop worrying with it.. Peace

It's Me Again...

It's been a crazy few weeks. Cancer is back. Treatment starts tomorrow. We are ready to start so he can feel better and we can feel like we are doing something and not just sitting around while this crap grows in his body. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about this. It's nauseating.
I have applied for several jobs working on the weekends or at night at ACH and at UAMS. Britt just started his new job and needs to be there as much as humanly possible which is hard for him because he wants to be with Elijah as much as possible too. I just don't want to have to deal with that torn feeling I had when Elijah was in treatment before. Needing to be with him but feeling guilty for not being at work - then when I was at work I felt guilty for not being with Elijah. My job is just a job to me.. not a career, so I really don't care if I leave it and find another that will allow me to be with him, still contribute to our income (which I have to), but not feel guilty when I am working because he will be with Britt. (that was one heck of a run on sentence).
So many people reaching out to us. It's amazing. We seem to be doing okay and I think it's largely because of our support system holding us up. Britt and I are both angry though and it seems to be showing in the way we react to one another. I wish there was something we could do about that. Maybe we can get back in to the gym and take out some frustrations. That might help.
prayers for today: Chemo to work and for E to tolerate it well, my job situation to resolve itself, motivation to mop my kitchen floor today and do laundry, a peaceful day.