up late

Elijah has gotten back in to the habit of not wanting to be in a room by himself again. If he is in the den, he wants someone with him. If he is upstairs, he wants someone with him. It's 1am and he is still awake. His sleeping habits are horrible and I really don't know how to adjust them. He seems to have so much anxiety. With our other kids, if they were up too late one night, I could just get them up early in the morning and after a full day of being tired, they would go to sleep just fine the next night and things would be back to normal. I just can't bring myself to do that to Elijah. He needs his rest so badly - that I would rather let him sleep in - but then the whole miserable cycle starts back up again. I am praying that we will be done with tpn after tonight -and neupogen shots.. and we can sort of try to have a normal schedule next week. As normal as can be for us, that is.
Britt and I are supposed to go to the Lemon Ball in Philly for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation. The dress if formal. (duh.. it's a ball) I must find real spanx and a decent gown. I have no idea where to even look. A friend found a steal at name brand 1/2 of 1/2. Maybe I will go there and see if they have one size fits texas. part of my dilemma is that I hate shoes. most shoes make my feet hurt. I think, actually, it's my fat self that my poor feet are trying to support that make them hurt , but I would prefer to blame the pain on the shoes. :) So.. over the next week, I need to find a dress, get Britt a tux, get my hair colored and nails done. I may even tan a bit so I won't look like the white tundra.. ha
Okay, so serious question. I am a brunette. I have a lot of facial hair and hair on my arms. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced a method of getting rid of said body hair, or at least making it's appearance not so, how do I say, hairy monkey-ish? I must think about this. I would prefer to look lovely for this gala. I am stuck being fat, so I might as well embrace it and do the best with what I got, right? yep.
Diet research is currently underway. I will give a full report with what I have concluded next week.

Map Maker

I have decided that I need to employ someone to map out my life for me. I want everything mapped out.
1. Map out how to get my house organized and clean. After that I want a daily, weekly, monthly list of what I need to do in order to keep in clean. For example. Monday, vacuum floors, clean litter box, do 2 loads of laundry,. Day 2.. etc. etc. Tasks to do every day to keep things on track so my house isn't constantly messy.
2. I would like a map for a personal care routine. I am about to be 40 years old. I would like to be told that in the morning, I need to do A, B & C to my skin. I need to do C. to my hair and then d. to put my make up on and look put together. at night, I need to do D, E & F. for maximum pretty impact.
3. I would like someone to map out exactly what I need to eat every day for two weeks so that I can be healthy. I am tired and lazy and fat and haven't the energy to come up with an interesting meal plan to get things started. I can do the work. I just want pointed in the right direction!!!
4. I would like a fitness coach. I am thinking that either Wii fit or Julian Michaels is doing to fit the bill quite nicely on this one - so I have this covered.
5. I need a style map. I need for someone to pick out five outfits that look nice on me and have some style other than "fat librarian" or "challenged kid that lives down the street".. those seem to be my general themes for attire as of late.
Sick of being the fat chick living in a messy house. UGH. I know I have enough other things to worry with, but our lives are getting away from us. How sad is this: We were playing rock band with Elijah. My character is this really cool rocker chick. She has asymetrical hair. It's purple and has a big long white stripe in it. Now.. how sad is it that I have passed the point in my life where i could actually do that and be cool? And get my cartilage pierced? Can I still do that and not be a total dork? I need to get rid of my butt and thighs so i can wear short skirts with tights and boots!!!! I can still be a really good cancer mom and work on being healthy and cute, can't I? I think I can. So.. if anyone wants to map out my other things, including product suggestions, I would appreciate it. I have oily skin - just in case. ha!

Boxing Day

I am thankful that the stress that goes along with Christmas is over, but am sad that the Holiday is gone now. Britt and I had a really hard time getting in the spirit this year. It was just hard with Elijah being in the hospital until Christmas Eve. We typically do most of our shopping together and weren't able to do that. Christmas Eve dinner was prepared for our family by someone else - which was so nice, but strange. We didn't decorate much this year because we are trying to sell the house and didn't want to drag too much out. It just didn't feel like Christmas. I have to say though, our kids were thoroughly pleased with their gifts. Elijah is rocking out downstairs on Rock Band that Santa brought him. The look on Hannah's face when she opened her gifts was priceless and Britt did an amazing job with gift getting for me. I am spoiled! I didn't do so hot shopping for him this year. They just didn't have anything in the hospital gift shop I thought he would like! ha ha Perhaps I will make it up to him for our anniversary.. hmmmm..
Next year we are going to adopt the "three gift Christmas" policy. In our family we will only get three gifts each. The Baby Jesus only got three gifts.. why should we get more when it's HIS birthday? Just sayin.

Ramblings of a crazy sleep deprived Mom

I am growing increasingly irritated with other people right now. Not over anything different they are doing or anything negative they have done to me. Just in general. I feel as if my "filter" needs to be changed or it's going to completely stop working. There was a girl working up here on the floor last night. I've never seen her before. She looks to be probably in her 40's - maybe late 40's. Way too much fake tanner and way too much fun with a bump-it. It was almost to the point of comical. How terrible is it of me that I wanted to say something to her??? I wanted to tell her that trying to look like a 20 year old was not attractive. It was terrible.
I came in contact with a woman this week that I think is probably one of the biggest snobs I have ever met. Now.. I am far from wealthy.. I am just a step away from a mobile home park sometimes... but I run in some circles through charity work and other things that put me in the company of some very affluent people. I have a couple of friends that live in houses most of us only dream of. These people are some of the least snobby people in the world. This girl.. ugh.. I really just wanted to look at her and tell her "I think you are an unbelievable snob" but I fear she would take that as a compliment! It's not, my friend. You don't seem to exhibit qualities that I would ever want to have. You are not envied - not by me anyway.
My filter grows weaker and weaker as I get older.
I am turning 40 next month. Part of me wishes I could have a big party.. part of me wishes just a few friends could get together and go to dinner. I don't know. I wish I wasn't fat for my 40th.. but I wish I wasn't fat for anything! ha ha.
Cancer complicates everything in our lives. It's impossible to work or schedule anything. We've been in the hospital for 5 days now. We should be at home so Elijah can enjoy our Christmas tree. He should be in school getting ready for Christmas break with his friends. He shouldn't be worrying if he will be in the hospital for Christmas. I haven't done hardly any Christmas shopping. I could leave in the evening when Britt gets here and go do some of it, but I just really don't like leaving the hospital much. I left for a few hours the other night.. and really enjoyed myself, but when I came back I felt as though I had been gone for too long. I will leave for a bit today and go to work - but just for a bit. We have had friends offer to do Christmas shopping for us, but I wouldn't know what to tell them to get.
I think I might get my realtors license next year. Just to have it. Who knows, I might be able to do something with it. I am sure there are a million realtors in Little Rock struggling to make ends meet - why I would want to do that is crazy. Knowing me, I will probably change my mind in the next week or so.

Hospital Stay

We are in the hospital with Elijah. I am sitting on my little couch bed wearing my polka dot pajama pants and my purple "Team Katie" shirt. MaryJo is his nurse tonight. It's really good to have a familiar face taking care of Elijah. One that knows him and knows us. Being here this time is a bit strange. We have all of our normal "at the hospital" gear with us. We've been doing this for a while and though we are out of practice, still have our system down. We are the "old timers" around here now but I wonder if some of these people think we are newly diagnosed because we have a bald kiddo and haven't been seen around here much.
The names of the patients are all unfamiliar. I don't know the faces in the hall or the names on the patient dashboard. As the evening winds down I find myself missing my "cancer croanies". Some of them I am so glad they don't have to stay at the hospital anymore. It means they are done with treatment and are living life to the fullest. Some of them I still wish they still had to come up here because it would mean their kids were still with us.
Elijah isn't talking. His mouth hurts too badly. He has a notepad and is writing me notes. One of them said "I might fall asleep". Another said "No writing on my notepad!". I can always count on him making me laugh. The nurses are all saying they can tell he doesn't feel well because he isn't talking to any of them. He feels okay. His mouth just hurts and he is mad because he wants to eat. Ugh.
We are settled. Watching Annie and prepared to hang out for a couple of days. This might get worse before it gets better.

Home Soon

We are in Philadelphia. I am anxious to go home. I love my kids and my husband, but being in one little room with them for 7 days is a bit much. For all of us, really.
My knees hurt. We have walked A LOT over the past couple of days. I honestly didn't mind the walking, but my knees sure didn't like it. I have had horrible eating habits since we've been here. I must get more active. I am going to start walking my dogs. both of them. They love to go for walks and it will be good for me.
We got carpet in the den.. but the door to the cats bathroom was shut so the cats pooped and peed on the new carpet. Just our luck, huh? Oh well. What can you do? Clean is up and move along.
I am wishing I had the knowledge to become a web designer or new of a job that I could do freelance. This "having a job" thing just isn't working so well. What could I do freelance and still make some money....

Road Block

I have so much to do, that I don't want to do any of it. Yuck. I just sort of hit this block. I know I have things that I have forgotten to add to my list that I will have to do later - so I need to get everything off my list now.. yuck. Bathe dogs, run errands, clean, laundry, pack.. blech blech blech.
Good news today.. We get our carpet put in on Monday!!! I am so sad we won't be here to see it. I pray (always the pessimist) that it looks okay and that the cats don't puke on it while we are gone!!! YIPES!
Okay. I am going to stop procrastinating. I am going to bathe the dogs. Big one first.. I know, I am brave.

Fabulous

Today was a wonderful day. We nearly didn't go to church, but decided last minute to go anyway. I am so glad we did. I really enjoyed it and was so thankful that we went.
Cody came to visit today. I know this might not seem like a major thing, but it's the first time that Cody has been to our house since February - so it was kind of a big deal. That's a very long story and one that I am not so sure I will ever blog about. We will just say that we've spent a long time trying to mend fences that were damaged by others and are just now getting things back closer to normal.
We took all three kids to Magic Springs. Today was the last day they would be open this year. The weather was glorious! The sun was shining, the park wasn't crowded, and Elijah was finally tall enough to ride some of the big rides he has been eyeballing for the past two years. He actually rode The Gauntlet - which is their big scary roller coaster that spirals and loops and does crazy things. He and Hannah have this love for crazy roller coasters and dangerous rides - I honestly have no idea where they got it from!
So.. next week will be a week of laundry, trying to get ahead at work, and trying to get things lined out here at home for our trip to Philly next week. I will probably be a nervous wreck toward the end of the week, so I am really going to try to enjoy some peace of mind over the next couple of days. Elijah has scans and bone marrows next week and it always makes me crazy nervous. I think we will have better news this time than we did last time. I feel certain that we will. I just wonder what Dr. Maris is going to say our next step for treatment will need to be. More unknown...

Happy Halloween!!

It's Halloween. Just about Elijah's favorite time of the year. He just loves getting candy. I think he is an addict.
I am going to try really hard.. I mean really hard.. to be positive today and not be crappy about a few things that are bothering me. I just don't understand people sometimes, so I am going to stop trying. I have to remember that the world doesn't revolve around our family and that other folks have lives too. I mean, I know this.. but sometimes I get my feelings hurt over little things that shouldn't bother me at all. They aren't geared towards me or have anything to do with me - yet I still feel the sting. I guess that's from being paranoid. Oh well.

Stupid Tired

I am so tired, I am stupid. I love my bed and am so excited to sleep in it. I know that sounds crazy, but having slept in some really uncomfortable places for the past four + years really makes a gal appreciate the queen size pillow top. Chair beds, couch beds, uncomfortable beds at the Ronald McDonald House, airplanes, etc.. I love my bed. That commercial where the family is all sunburned and they come home and lay face down on their bed?? Have you seen it? That's me.
This has been an incredibly long and tiresome week. Chemo every day for Elijah, work for me and Britt, and painting in the evenings. We decided last night we were going to take a break from it and just relax. Elijah and I were hanging out (on my wonderful bed, as a matter of fact) watching game 2 of the world series - and the den flooded again. This time worse than ever. I think Britt must have vacuumed 50 gallons of water out of there if any. It was terrible - and the rain just kept coming. So there went our night of rest. Britt decided that the water was coming from the crawl space under the house. He purchased a sump pump today and will be putting that in tomorrow. We think (we pray) that will take care of it and we will not have to deal with the creek running through the downstairs ever again. I mean, I am all for water features in the house - but not like this.
I am about to put clean, lavender scented sheets on my bed!! I am, admittedly, all giggly about this!!! Good Night!

and the beat goes on..

We have been painting the kitchen. If you have ever been in my house, you know that this kitchen had the ugliest and busiest wallpaper in it. It was awful. We successfully removed most of the wallpaper in the rest of the house (and there was a lot) but the paper in the kitchen was stuck pretty good.. and to unfinished sheetrock. This would have meant a lot of work - and a lot of repair to the walls. To make a long story short, we opted to prime and paint over the wallpaper. It looks fabulous!! I am so proud of Britt and how well this project is going so far! I don't have any "in progress" photos, but do have befores and will hopefully have afters in a few days. We are working really hard on getting our close closer to ready to sell. I pray that we can get it fixed up, relax for a month, and then sell it and move. We shall see how that goes.
Elijah is nearly done with chemo for this go around. Three more days and then we get a week off from the hospital - sort of. We have to go to clinic one day next week for labs and an exam. That will be a cake walk compared to the 5 hours a day we have been spending up there. We go to Philadelphia in three weeks. I pray that things are going in the right direction. I have had to write checks for three funerals for little kids for candlelighters in the past two weeks and have attended one. I can't imagine my life without Elijah. I can't imagine him going through the pain and suffering that some of these other children have endured toward the end of their short lives. I don't know how they do it, honestly - the parents. I guess they just do. I don't think I could get out of bed or speak to anyone for a long time, let alone speak at my own child's life celebration or continue to be an activist. Not for a while anyway. I have an extraordinary little boy. He is my best pal and constant companion. I couldn't breath if he weren't with me. I would die if I never again heard "hey mom!" followed by information on some strange creature he just saw on discovery channel. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't leave the hospital without him.
I wish all of this other "life" stuff would just stop and leave us alone for a while so we can be with Elijah and do fun silly things all day long. I want every birthday to be the "BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!" and for Halloween to be the MOST AMAZING EVER.. and for Christmas to be the MOST MAGICAL EVER! I want this for him and for Hannah always. I want the best of memories for my kids. I don't want any "we never got a chance to" or "we should have made time for that" or "we never got around to it" things lingering around. Those are the kinds of things that will bite you in the rear.
Life. It's today. so all this other crap that HAS to be done.. please go smoothly and quickly so that we may move on to more important things. Thanks. Love ya, Mean it, Buh Bye

back again

I haven't blogged in forever. Well, I have.. but on Elijah's website, not my own. I wish I could say "well, just not much going on".. but that couldn't be further from the truth. We have had too much going on and not enough time to sit and write things other than my assignments for Sociology and Creative Writing. Yep.. still in school. I really should have sat out this semester, but I need to keep on going if I am ever going to finish. Some of my grades are going to suffer this semester, but oh well. I made the deans list once. I was proud. Now I need to just get it done with. By this summer, I should have a degree. It will just be an associates degree, but I will have a degree, dang it. I am still toying with nursing school, but the way things can change so quickly around here, I am concerned about starting nursing school and not being able to finish. Some schools will allow you to pick up where you left off if it's within a certain amount of time, but others make you start all over again. I have to research that and see what would be best, if that's what I decide to do. Who knows.
My sisters wedding is weekend after next. I am not looking forward to being the fat girl in the wedding party. I don't feel pretty in this dress - I feel like the ugly step sister! ha ha. Oh well.. it should be fun. It will be nice to get away for something other than cancer related stuff. What's this? a happy ocassion in our family? NO WAY!

Falling

I fell down today. Literally. I was walking Elijah to the pool. The sidewalk is uneven and I am a klutz anyway. I tripped and dove straight down. skinned my palms and knees. I am quite sure it wasn't a pretty site - seeing me tumble. Elijah was a bit shaken - but once he knew I was okay, he was fine. Kids fall all of the time and are just fine, so why did this scare me so badly? I just fell down.. nothing major. I guess because I am older. I am sore now. My shoulders, my left hand, my knees, my pride. At least I was shielded by the trees so no one at the pool saw my little accident. I am sure someone would have laughed. Sadly, I sometimes think it's a bit funny when people take a tumble.. after I know they are okay, that is. Oh well. Guess I should pay attention to where I am going.
The day was actually pretty good. We went to church this morning, which was great. Enjoyed brunch at Shorty Smalls - which we NEVER do anymore.. painted the upstairs hallway, spent an hour at the pool with Elijah, then went to our Financial Peace class.. Wow.. when I type it all in here, it really sounds like an action packed day! Tomorrow begins a busy week.
Prayers for today: rest and peace, healing for Elijah, understanding and courage, financial blessings..

Roller Coaster

Life is really just a big roller coaster, isn't it? Full of ups and downs and scary parts and fun parts.. And just when you think things are smooth and easy sailing, the bottom drops out from under you and you plummet further in to the unknown. Right now I feel as though I don't know what direction I am going in and whats coming up next. I am not enjoying this ride. Crazy thing.. I am not enjoying the ride right now, but I don't want to get off either. I know life isn't supposed to be easy - but I don't think it's fair for it to be this hard either. I am not without hope. I am not without support and love. I am not homeless or jobless. I have my Faith and my Family. Someone wrote the other day that this story is far from over, and there are still great things to be written.. I liked that.

Many Moons

It feels like a long time since I posted to the blog, but I guess it hasn't been that long. I am overwhelmed with busy stuff right now.. so much so that I want to crawl in to a hole and retreat for a bit - but I can't. I am working at a church, still working at the hospital, and then working this week for my sister. School will start before I know it, then Gallery of Hope will be here - and then my sisters wedding. So.. no rest until it looks like early November. I am not planning a single thing for November!!! I guess I will be giving thanks that July, August, September and October will be over!!! ha ha.
We leave Wednesday evening for Chicago for the Neuroblastoma conference. I am excited and dreading it all in the same sentence. I haven't packed a single thing! I am trying to wrap up as much here on the homefront as possible in the next couple of days. So far, not so good. after working today at the church and then tonight at Coach - I was wiped out.
Okay.. enough wining. I seriously think some things will slow down soon.. Just take a little more planning on my part.. I am getting better at the planning stuff - believe it or not!!

Painful lessons

I have to admit, I have always been the kind of person to avoid problems and situations that I thought were ugly or uncomfortable. My grandmother often says that I live like an ostrich and bury my head in the ground at the first sign of trouble. I would rather just ignore some things that I don't like and pray they just go away. Dealing with money is one of those things. I have never liked to know how much money we had in the bank because that way, I could pretend like we had money.. If I went to the ATM - I NEVER looked at the receipt with the balance on it. I would seriously crumple it up as soon as I pulled it out to avoid seeing the awful truth. I can't tell you how many problems this has caused. We have several married friends who keep their money separate. They have individual accounts and they each pay their respective portions of the household expenses. I could NEVER do this simply because I am horrible with money - I would never be able to keep up with how much I have and how much I owe. Britt would still be left with the burden so why bother having it split? I may be tooting my own horn, but I am proud of the way I am now hitting our budgeting and bill paying head on. It's hard - to look at things that need to be taken care of and figure out the best way to get the job done. Especially when I haven't worked in a while and things are so tight. BUT - we are doing it. I think I am going to love the envelope system and hope to be able to incorporate it in a bunch of different areas once we get things organized and get to a fully working budget. Right now we are using it only for groceries and gas. I can see how it would work for school clothes, pet needs, birthday presents - and so many more things. Dave Ramsey has a program for kids too - I would love to get Elijah and Hannah both started on it now so they won't have to go through 20 years of making mistakes and having a hard time with money like I did.
Financial Peace is a good thing.. I wish I had been smarter years ago and could have worked toward this much sooner. We are trying to get things taken care of that cause stress that we can control - there are too many things that Britt and I deal with that we can't do anything about. Having a bit of control feels really really good.

Weigh Day and Envelopes

I weighed today. No change. No change in weight is not a bad thing when doing Weight Watchers. The scale didn't go up - and that's a good thing! I look at it this way - it means I can expect a bigger drop next week if I stay on the program and keep up with my journaling. I shouldn't have eaten that cereal before I went to bed last night! ha! The good news is - I went to the grocery store last night and have our meals all planned out for the next seven days.. Lunch included. So that will make things a bit simpler.
On the Dave Ramsey program - we use an envelope system. You figure your budget for each week for food. You take that amount in cash and put it in the envelope.
The money in the envelope is the only money you spend on food - period. That means if you eat out, it comes out of that envelope. If you go to Purple Penguin for a shaved ice - it comes out of that envelope. Thankfully, after buying groceries yesterday for the whole week, I have enough left in my envelope if I need to get anoter gallon of milk, loaf of bread, etc! My goal is to have money left over in the envelope with each paycheck. Even if it's just ten bucks. (It wont happen the first few times).. If we do that, then I want to take the extra and put it in savings. So.. this means I need to start getting creative with my cooking and grocery money! ha

FPU & WW and a bunch of other letters

Britt and I are enrolled in Financial Peace University. It's teaching us Dave Ramsey principles in money management. The class is awesome! It's foundation is Biblical and common sense. Britt and I talk and talk about making positive changes so we can lead a less stress filled life (stress from things we can control, that is). I think this is the first real step we have taken in that direction. We are trying desparately to figure out ways to get rid of debt and get a bit caught up. It will take time, but we are going to get there. We are also doing weight watchers to try and get control of our health. Having Britt as my weight loss partner is one of the smartest things I have ever done. He is the best motivator and coach! He really keeps me in line, which is awesome. I have lost 11 pounds this go around. Tomorrow is weigh day! yipes! We have been pretty good about staying on program. It's just been challenging to come up with dinner ideas for the whole family.
I started a new job yesterday. Part time, working at a church here in town. I am doing their newsletter, updating the website, etc. I think I will like it. It's going to be an adjustment, for sure!
So.. Prayers for today: Britt and I to come up with creative solutions to clearing up our financial stuff so we can be at peace with all of that, for us to continue to do well on WW (big goal is to get B off bp and cholesterol meds), for Elijah's continued healing.. and for our big kids to make wise choices now that they are getting older.

Camp is Over tomorrow

Tomorrow morning we go pick up Elijah from camp. The H is malfunctioning on my computer and it's really bugging me. I am ready for this whole camp experience to be over!!! It's been quite a challenge.. I have driven to Bald Knob more times in the past 5 days than I EVER care to. Okay.. so I delegated a few things with Gallery of Hope and it made me easier for me.. I also postponed the board meeting because all the info was not available and we had too many folks that would not be in attendance.. THAT relieved a bunch of my stress from this past week - that was replaced with Elijah being unhappy sleeping at camp. He LOVED being there during the day.. just not at night. It was terrible! I felt so guilty for leaving him there at night - even though logically I knew he would be okay. I just think that he has been through so much - why cause him undue stress and unhappiness? I baby him.. I know. He is 8 and should be more independent. I just think he has had to be so independent and brave in other ways so soon, so why push it? I will just be glad when he is home tomorrow.

pouring the guts out

Elijah is away at camp. Hannah is there too. For the past two nights, Elijah has become very emotional at bedtime and has wanted to come home. I am so torn. I want to go get him in the worst way, but I know he is having a good time during the day. It's just at bedtime that he is getting really upset. I am seriously thinking of getting him tomorrow evening and bringing him home for the night, then taking him back in the morning. My heart is aching at the thought of him being so upset. I guess he cried himself to sleep tonight. I can't take that. Would I prefer that Hannah not tell me? No. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to my kids - I don't think it is anyway.
I made the decision a while back to go zero based at work - this means that I basically still work for the hospital but I only work shifts that I sign up for or when they need help. In the past - there have always been plenty of shifts to sign up for so I didn't think it would be a problem to get the hours. My boss even assured me that I would still be able to get the hours. Not so. The well has run dry it seems. There are no extra shifts to be had from now until July and then I only was able to sign up for 16 hours. I am not regretting my decision, but I sure am praying that a solution to my income situation will come along soon. I am really enjoying the time I am getting to spend with my family and still feel this was the right choice though.
I am really second guessing a lot of my decisions lately. I agreed to be president of Candlelighters. A group that I am very proud to be part of and they do great work for families whose kids are battling cancer. What was I thinking? I have soo bitten off more than I can chew with this one. We have a huge fundraiser coming up in a few months that we are ill prepared for. No one has stepped up to agree to chair the project and I don't have the organizational skills to pull it off. I am really worried that it will be a huge flop or I will forget something major. I have a huge heart and a lot of grand ideas - but no organizational skills at all. I don't want this group to suffer because of my lack of skills. I seriously am considering stepping down as president. I have, like many of my friends, overextended myself and am wanting to put my family first. I can't do that when I am stressed out about floral arrangements, art donations, credit card machines, brochures, sponsorship packages, and helping families.. And what is it going to be like when I go back to school in the Fall and so does Elijah?
I wish one of my dearest and most organized friendsin the world still lived close. I would, on bended knee, beg her to chair this project and help me get it on track.
I don't like quitting. It makes me feel guilty and loserish. I agreed to help with a class at church but wasn't able to fulfil my obligation because I just emotionally overextended myself - and we were traveling with Elijah to Philly. I felt awful! I was embarassed to go to church because I thought I had let them down. Why do I agree to do things that I know I shouldn't?
I don't trust many decisions I make any more. Maybe I should take the back seat and let Britt drive the bus for a while.
We are doing some great things though.. Britt and I are attending Financial Peace University to try and get our financial lives in order.. PEACE is the operative word. I have high hopes for that one. We are also doing Weight Watchers - the online program. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he is doing this with me! He is really keeping me on track - and encouraging me - which is what I need. So far it's going well and we are both losing - which is the goal.
Now.. we will one day move along to our house and it's repairs and declutter -
UGH I am so frustrated. I am going to pray that answers come to me tonight or tomorrow for all the things that are troubling me right now. I do have an interview on Wednesday. Is it the job I want? Will it be enough? Will I even get the job?
Prayers needed today, friends.. I need prayer about Candlelighters.. Gallery of Hope.. Elijah at Camp... My work.... Our financial peace quest... our journey to health.. Elijah's continued healing. It's all coming at me at once this week. Deep breath in... deep breath out.

just things

I am sunburned on my shoulders. I was stupid. No excuse for it. I took Elijah to the pool yesterday and made sure he was covered.. Didn't put it on my self. I am not invincible, as Britt reminded me yesterday. yuck.
It seems like there is so much going on, but not a lot going on. My sister moved in last week. Hannah was home for a couple of days. Elijah is doing great and loving spending time at the pool. I am supposed to go for my two week check up today to see what I am allowed to do now and how I am healing after the hystericalectomy. I am feeling great, aside from a few minor issues. I know I need to get back to work, but I really don't want to. As soon as my doctor says I can though, I will be back at work.

Last Day of School

Today is Elijah's last day of 2nd grade! Wow! I can't believe he will be a third grader next year and Hannah will be a Junior! It's crazy. Today I am cleaning in Elijah's room. Boxing up all the toys that he never plays with and trying to get his room pretty much packed up. He doesn't use it anyway.. So I think I am going to move Hannah to Elijah's room and just use Hannah's old room for storage. Elijah takes over the den and sleeps in his bed in our room anyway - so no need for his own room at this point. My sister has moved in with us for a bit before she gets married. I am sure she will spend most of her time with Joe and between here and Dallas so it's not like she will be here much. She is staying in Cody's old room. We actually have a house full now! Wow!!

Junk

I am cleaning out junk today and trying to be very careful in the process. I am not supposed to do any lifting or strenuous stuff for like 5 more weeks. I am being gentle and doing things in small steps. My sister is supposed to be coming to stay with us for a while before she gets married - and I am trying to ready the room. Lots of stuff has been stored in there. Home schooling stuff, Britt's study materials, Cody's things, laundry, ironing board. UGH. It's ridiculous how much junk we have!!! Most of it is trash. This cleaning process has to be done throughout the whole house so we can concentrate on repairs to get it on the market by the end of the summer. We have tons of stuff to do. Carpet in the flooded den is first on the list. yuck.
Elijah's last day of school is tomorrow! I am so thankful that he was able to go to school. He is already excited for 3rd grade!

Day 5

I feel better today. Maybe this is the turning point. I haven't been asleep since I woke up this morning - which is good. I do feel a nap coming on though. I am not as sore as I was yesterday. Good things.. Harry Potter is on.. always good for a napping day.

Healing

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. They removed my uterus and one ovary. I hurt. My belly feels as though it's been ripped out from the insides. The good news is, it's temporary and I will heal. The better news is, there was no sign of anything cancerous in the mass they removed from my ovary. My family has been so wonderful and has taken great care of me since I came home from the hospital. I am a lucky woman. I am not used to being the patient at all, so it's been kind of hard. I really thought I would be feeling much better by today.. Maybe tomorrow will be the big turning point.
In the midst of all of this - Elijah's scans continue to be clean - No Evidence of Disease.. Hannah made it through 10th grade and is now a Jr. - and I made the Deans List carrying 13 hours last semester! woo hoo!!!
I am glad summer is here. Time to heal and rest and regroup.
Life is Good.

The Girls

I had to take the girls to the doctor today. I had my very first ever mamogram. While I can say that it was not fun - it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be either. Sure - they squished them down on the cold machine in ways that shouldn't be repeated. It was not comfortable. I almost laughed when the girl told me to hold my breath. I thought "you have my boob in a vice and you think I am actually breathing right now?" I didn't say it though. It was brief and not so bad. Instead of giving you a gown, they give you a little cape. I actually thought it was kind of cool! I told Britt I felt like "SUPER BOOB WOMAN".. He said I was already super boob woman. I wonder if that was meant to be kinda sexy and cool, or if my husband called me a super boob and got away with it. ha! I guess I will never know because either way, it's kinda funny so I won't question it.
Anyhoo.. All is well with "the girls". I got the "now that you are close to 40, you know you need to come back every year now.." blah blah blah. I know.. I am growing old. I am super boob woman. I will come back when I am ready.

Flood

Our den flooded last night during the storms. Our carpet was soaked. Thankfully, none of the furniture was affected. We ripped the carpet up - it was nasty. Now I have concrete down there. I almost wish that I could get someone to stain the concrete and leave it like that.. but that might be more expensive than carpet, honestly. Carpet is just nasty though. I was so stressed out. Here the den was nasty wet - Britt was coming home early so we could work on it. John was here ready to help. Britt ran out of gas on the way home. Are you kidding me? When he called and talked to Elijah - Elijah said "Mom, dad needs you to bring him the gas can". I SERIOUSLY thought he was joking. Again, another time for me to get back down on my face and thank God for the blessings and put this all back in his hands. Maybe I am being too controlling so he is trying to remind me that no matter how hard I try to control and dictate, it's all out of my hands so I need to give it up to him anyway.
Hannah is doing lifeguard certification this week. I am so proud of her! I never would have had the guts to do that when i was a kid. She amazes me. Now she will be able to work as a lifeguard this summer. What a cool job! I worked at a place called Burgers Plus when I was her age.. and YES - it was a glamorous as it sounds.. :)

The things you learn from facebook.

Wow. Hannah is home. She is looking on her facebook. One of the girls she went to elementary school with has posted on her facebook that she is pregnant. She is 16 years old. Now.. for the most part I would be really concerned, but I think this is the 3rd time that this kid has said she was pregnant. (I think the 1st time was in 4th grade). She has made up so many stories over the years, it's hard to believe anything she says. Hannah is posting on her facebook that she needs to stop lying and get some help. Kids amaze me.

One more weekend to go

After tomorrow, I will have one more weekend to go at work. I will still be there on Mondays.. but no more weekends. I wish I would have told them this would be my last weekend so I could go to church next Sunday for Mother's Day. Oh well. I am tired today. I have high hopes for my surgery and what it will help. I hope I am not just wishful thinking though. I am pryaing that my energy levels will improve, that I will have a more manageable appetite once my hormones aren't so out of whack. I am also praying that my skin and hair will get a little more close to normal. I wish I could get this done tomorrow - I am having pain and am ready to be done. I know I might change my mind when I am hurting and trying to recover.

Prayer

I had an email from a friend of mine not long ago. I was having a few dark days - which are not out of the norm for me. I was very worried about Elijah and in the midst of a full on pity party - streamers and all. I have a few friends that are always a comfort, but one that really makes me stop and think about things and put things back in God's hands where they belong. She said something to me that I just can't put out of my head. She talked about times when she would doubt and have dark days like mine.. She said she got down on her face and prayed. Not on her knees - not sitting in her car or trying to find a quiet spot like I do.. but full on, down on the floor face down.. and prayed. Wow. This blows me away. Such total submission to God and his will. I have thought about it and thought about it.. I can't get it out of my head. I want to be able to give it all over to Him. I want to be able to have all this worry and burden lifted from my shoulders. I need to get down on my face and pray for Him to fill the void inside my heart and soul. The void left by the loss of my Mom. The void of not having a father. The void and guilt from being away from Hannah so much. The pain of watching Elijah go through what he does and feeling inadequate to make it better. The guilt of the things I have done and said to my husband over the past ten years out of fear, anger, and frustration. The guilt of projects and promises that I have not followed through with. I am tired of filling this emptiness with the wrong things. (no, I don't do drugs and I am not an alcholic). It's time to be filled with Life. With God. With forgiveness and moving on. It's time to get down on my face and pray...

Home

I am so thankful to be back home.. Which is ironic because I really want to sell this house and find a new home. We have lived here longer than any house and I really wanted to live here forever, but it's just too big and we need something more manageable. It makes me sad though. Elijah loves this house. It's where we brought him home from both of his transplants. It's the first house we bought.. But I know that's not what makes it home.. It's what we have in it - not stuff, but love and family - that makes it home. We can get that anywhere, right? I sold my dining room set today. We are really trying to downsize and eliminate 'stuff'. It kinda made me sad too.. All the birthday cakes we have shared on that table.. family dinners.. I have no idea why I am getting so sentimental. I have never really liked that dining room set anyway.. It was very country looking.. I am not country.

Near iPhone Death Experience.

It frightens me how addicted to this lovely little gadget I am. I nearly had a panic attack today when I thought it had died. Granted, I am in Philadelphia with Elijah - and without my husband - so being here without my phone would have been a challenge. But I was really most upset over the fact that my precious iPhone was presumed dead! I just knew that it was going to be because of something I had done and it wouldn't get replaced with another iPhone. How would I facebook when I am not supposed to? How would I discreetly check my email (or not so discreetly at times)?? My pictures!! What would happen to the pictures I had taken on my phone? Thankfully, I looked up some information on the internet and determined that I could restore my phone.. so with Britt's blessing I restored my phone to it's original settings and all was right with my world once again. I don't know what I find more frightening.. the thought of not having it.. or how attached I am to it. It's all good now. whew. crisis over.
We are in Philadelphia right now. Elijah has an appointment Tuesday and Wednesday. I am really torn about what we should do for him now. On one hand the ABT has the potential to keep the disease away. On the other hand, it made him sick as hell. I don't want him to be sick, but even moreso, I don't want the cancer to come back. I am so torn. I shouldn't even stress. Dr. Maris may take the decision out of our hands anyway.
For now.. He is doing wonderfully. He is feeling better every day. He is loving school and he seems happier these days. All that matters is today, right?

Ovaries and Recycling

So much going on lately, as usual. With the Earth Day celebrations being this week, Elijah has been learning much about the environment and little things we can do to do our part. We purchased reusable tote bags at the store and have been using those. He requested that I pack his sandwich in a reusable plastic container instead of using sandwich bags. This evening we went to Target and we bought cloth napkins instead of using paper towels all the time. I almost didn't get the napkins because they were $8.00 for a pack of four. Elijah said "Mom, I want to move to California when I grow up so I can be a Marine Biologist. If the air isn't any good in California, I won't be able to do that. Just buy the napkins". So I did..
I am about to share some personal and private information. Oh well. Our lives have very much been open books for the last 4 years with Elijah, so I might as well share my stuff too. I went to the Dr. on Tuesday. It would appear that I have a mass in/on my right ovary. The doctor said from the ultrasound it looks like it could either be a blood clot or a tumor. Either way, the ovary and my uterus have to go. I am having a partial hysterectomy in May. If possible they are going to leave me with one ovary so I can still produce my own hormones. It's not like I was using the other parts anyway - so I am not so bothered by losing them. Just incredibly bothered by not knowing what it is at this point. The good news is they did do a ca125 - which is a blood test that looks for a tumor marker that is present in ovarian cancer. It came back perfect. This doesn't mean for sure that the mass ins't malignant - it just means that it's probably not advance stage ovarian cancer. I am praying that it's just a blood clot and they will remove it - my pain will go away, my hormones will level out, and all will be right with the world in 6 short weeks of recovery time. The sun will shine brighter, my skin will clear up, my hair will be gorgeous again - and I will stop raging on my poor husband. I forgot - after the hysto, I should lose about 40 pounds without effort, right? I am trying to see the rainbow at the other end of the robotic arm laproscopic surgery. Hannah said she was certain it wasn't cancer. She said God never gives us more than we can handle and she thinks this family has had more than it's fair share of cancer. Amen to that.

Good Day

Today was a good day. I worked, and it wasn't so bad. I left a bit early. Elijah was asked to be an honorary co-captain at the Arkansas Twisters Game tonight! He was invited on the field for the coin toss! It was awesome, but a bit overwhelming for him. He has never had to stand in front of so many people before and he does get a bit of stage fright.. All in all it went great. We watched the game with Britt's parents and really had fun. At least I did.. I think Elijah did too. Poor Britt. It was his birthday and we really didn't get to do much to celebrate him. I guess we will have a belated birthday celebration next week. He has to get his german chocolate cake from Silvek's - our favorite European Bakery. It is the best, really.
Tonight at the game we were able to sit and visit for a few minutes with some of our friends from the old neighborhood. It really makes us miss that part of town. We First we must begin the process of starting repairs on our house so we can list it to sell. It's going to take quite a bit to get it marketable. We will be looking in to creative ways of getting some of the materials and resources we need. A bit of wood flooring for the upstairs hall, kitchen hard wood floor repair, painting the kitchen, some tile work, landscaping.. blech. It's going to be a daunting task, but one that I think will pay off for us in the long wrong. Get us back to the neighborhood we love - near friends - and in a smaller more manageable, affordable and efficient home. OH.. and did I mention in the best school district in Little Rock???
I am tired and have to work tomorrow so I will end this rant. I need to post on the Arkansas Twisters and why I think more families need to come out and support them. Maybe in a few days.

More Travel

Tomorrow we fly off to Philadelphia. Elijah will have a scan on Wednesday and we meet with Dr. Maris. I am praying for some answers. I am praying for a day off. We aren't doing much this trip. We all need some rest. I am going to read and do school work. Elijah is going to play with Bennie. We are going to make this as much of a restful trip as possible because it's what we all need.

We really need a vacation.

It's all about change, right?

I am wrestling with a decision about work. I think I want to change my employment status from full time to part time. It would mean a decrease in my benefits, but I could still sign up to work just about as many hours as I work now - but with more flexibility. I am really growing tired of working every single weekend and not spending any time with my family. I know we thought this would be for the best, and for a year it has worked well.. Now I miss my kids and doing things with friends. Elijah is getting ready to go to camps and everything.. with my current schedule, I won't be able to drop him off at camp! YUCK! So.. I am praying about this change. I am not feeling 100% sure that this is the right thing for us just yet because we do need income - I will still have to work and there is no guarantee that I will be able to get all the hours I need. I just need more flexibility. So.. tonight and tomorrow I am going to pray about it. I am not going to come to a final decision until we get back from Philadelphia next week. I am sure that God will show me the path He wants me to take. If this is what I am supposed to do, God will make it an easy and evident decision.

Absorption

I would like to say that I have decided to become self absorbed for a while, but that's not true. I am, however, going to become a bit more talleyfamilyaborsbed, and less interested in the goings on of others. Does that mean that I don't love you and care about what you are doing? Not at all!!! I have so many great friends that are having some of the most awesome experiences in life right now, some great friends who are doing new and fabulous things, and some friends who are experiencing some rough times. All of these have been there for me through everything we have been going through for the past several years and I could not be more thankful for the support and friendship. Support, friendship, and prayers that I will continue to covet. I just have a few things I need to give up for a while. 1. matchmaking. I am giving up the matchmaking business - probably not for good, but at least for Lent and maybe a bit longer. So.. if you are going to ask me to hook you up, that's not in my job description anymore. Besides, I am terrible at it anyway so it would be in your best interest to avoid my services on that realm. 2. Babysitting. I am notorious for offering to babysit when I really can't even get my own crap together. I can't do this for a while. (unless baby Isaac comes to town - then all others better back off cause that baby is mine - that wouldn't be babysitting anyway.) 3. Picking up extra shifts at work. I actually feel kinda bad about this one, because people do from time to time pick up shifts for me. I just can't deal right now. 4. Gossip. I am no longer going to engage in too much gossip. I am incredibly nosy and it really stresses me out until I find out the whole story - so to avoid that stress, I am walking away from that. Again.. I need to insert the disclaimer that not all of this is permanent. I am a creature of habit and I can't give all of this up for too long.. ha! Where was I? oh.. yes. 5. Talking too much about myself and my life. I am going to incorporate a little more privacy in to my life. I will continue to update Elijah's website faithfully - but I am actually tired of hearing myself talk. Really. I am. So quiet time is coming.. Britt, get ready.. don't think there is anything wrong. There isn't. I just need to shut the heck up for a while. 6. Making decisions for other people. (Can you hear my sweet loving husband choking on his glass of milk while he reads that statement?) I know.. Surely those of you who know me are thinking this the impossible. I am saying right now - I am tired of forcing my opinions on those who are perfectly capable of making decisions on their own. These people would probably prefer it this way anyway. Sister, your wedding is your wedding - not mine. Even though I would love to live vicariously through your experience, this is your joyous occasion - not mine. I am sure it will be lovely and I am happy to offer my support and love. I will not, however, tell you how to have your wedding. That is my solemn promise. Husband, oh... what can I say. I am sorry I am such a bossy wife. I admit it. I love you and I know you are a grown man who manages to make it to work each day without me telling you how to drive. I will try to do better and not boss so much. (I said TRY).. Okay.. this is just the beginning though. I need to focus more on my family and living each day rather than focusing on how everyone else is doing.
It's sooo late and I am rambling. Oh well. It's my blog. I am allowed to put whatever I want on here, right?

Late Night

Elijah has been really sick today. Sicker than I have seen him in a long time. He has thrown up several times and is complaining that his stomach hurts terribly. I hate seeing him so miserable. He has actually slept quite a bit today because of iv nausea meds. Now I am sure he will be restless most of the night tonight. Is it possible for an 8 year old to get his days and nights mixed up? I am praying that he feels better tomorrow. It's crazy, but throughout the whole cancer thing, Elijah hasn't been terribly sick. He has tolerated things very well. His feeling bad today has really reminded us just how fortunate we have been. I worry. I try not to show him too much. These stomach cramps, his legs bothering him.. It's awful for us, really.
All he has had to eat today is ativan, oxycodone, and phenergan. I would be in a coma. He wants to watch a movie.

This one is full of bitching.. beware

Okay. I am stinking tired. I feel like I haven't had a good night of sleep in over a week and it's killing me! I have had a near constant headache since last Tuesday evening. How is this fair? I have too much to do to have this headache and be suffering from lack of sleep! Maybe that's why I am not sleeping and have a headache.. because I have too much to do.
I have taken to writing down everything that i need to do so I won't forget it. It seems like I am constantly carrying stuff over from one day to the next and adding things to my daily list of things to do. I am going to try to wipe as much off of there as I can today and tomorrow because Thursday and Friday - I am on vacation. That's right.. I may take one of those days and not even leave the house. I will shower, put on clean pajamas, and do NOTHING!!!!
I bring most of this on myself, really and truly. The other day I thought - I need to fill out my financial aid stuff so I can take some classes this summer.. then I thought better of it. No way. I am not taking any classes this summer. I am taking a stinking break from that too. I will start back in the Fall like normal people do. Carrying 13 hours this semester has nearly killed me! I can't believe I ever bitched about being in school full time when I was younger and didn't have kids or a full time job. What the heck? Why didn't I get this done and over with when I was young and full of energy???
Elijah is not feeling great these days. Thankfully today is his last day of his medicine so hopefully tomorrow he will feel better. I am just worried about his weight so much..
Must go. must get busy on the list. (insert cuss word here)

No Time for Blogging

Okay. I have no time for a big blog entry, but had some stuff to share, so here it goes in this really strange format.

1. I saw Judge Reinhold at Target the other day.
2. When we went to the airport to fly to Philadelphia, the power went out and all the systems went down at the Little Rock airport. When we got to the airport where we were supposed to switch planes, the fire alarm went off in that airport and they had to evacuate because the sprinklers came on. I wondered if we were doomed for tragedy. I was scared, to tell the truth. Elijah thought it was cool.
3. Elijah and I got to play in the snow in Philadelphia this week and met a dog at the ronald mcdonald house that is a cancer survivor. Very cool.
4. This week have I have had several quizes, tons of biology homework, spanish homework, a spanish test and a big essay test in religion. School is kicking my butt.
5. I spoke to a group of nurses about MIBG Treatments at the hospital thursday night. It was nice. I think I like to hear myself talk. Especially when I think I know what I am talking about.
6. We had a candlelighters meeting on FRiday. I think it went okay. We have another one at my house on Tuesday. When am I going to clean???
7. I managed to read a book in the past two weeks. It was good. Mrs. Kimble was the title. Maybe a book review to come soon.
8. Did I mention that I saw Judge Reinhold at Target?

Madame President

Today I was elected president of the Candlelighters of Central Arkansas. Candlelighters is a group that provides assistance to Families who are dealing with pediatric cancer. It's a wonderful organization that I have been honored to be part of for the past few years and am now Blessed to be the president. I have a lot of good ideas an am hoping that I can do what I need to in order to carry them out. I am going to have to be creative in handling a few of the personalities that are in office though.. I think that's a good way to put it.. creative.
First on my agend is to find a chairperson for Gallery of Hope and get that committee organized. yipes.

anyone want to volunteer?

Not Gonna Do It

I have made a decision. I am not going to do something that I don't think would be in my best interest in the long run - just to prove a point. I know this makes no sense - it does to me and I guess at this point, that's all that matters, right? I am not going to make my life more dificult just so I can show others that I was right. How does that help me? It doesn't. Is proving that I am right always what is best? I don't think so. I think sometimes doing what's right is better than being right. I am going to do this one my way - because it's better for me and better for the whole situation. Besides, I know I am right anyway.

Next Week

We are going to Philadelphia on Tuesday to begin Elijah's next phase of treatment. I have a few things that I need to accomplish shortly thereafter for my own peace of mind and in effort to make things better for our family. I am going to write a few of them down so I can keep track..
1. See about getting Elijah in school at Jefferson.
2. Compose an email and some resources for the Candlelighters Cookbook.
3. Work on MIBG presentation for the apon group.
4. Get ahead on school work.
5. Go to WW with Carrie on Saturday
6. Read the book for book club.
7. Find out where my w2 is so we can get our taxes done
8. try to get board meeting for candlelighters set up.

There.. this is just a few things.. I am sure I have more to add.. but wanted to get these down while I was thinking about it.

James Taylor is on tour!!!!

I want to go camping soon.

Just dont get it....

Don't get me wrong.. I like Jimmy Buffett. I really really do. I love a good margarita and can sing most of the words to "Cheeseburger in Paradise". I just don't understand the whole Parrothead thing. I don't understand that whole Deadhead thing either and I do not consider myself a "Fanilow". I did, for a great while, have a Dave Matthews Band sticker on my car.. and love me some DMB. We were even members of the fan club for a while... I also love James Taylor and listen to him as much as I possibly can because his music makes me happy, but have never seen the cultish following for JT a I have for some of the others.. But why are Parrotheads like no other group? Why do they gather in groups of other Buffett fans and travel to far off and distant places for these huge festivals o fun to listen to Buffett music and play in plastic swimming pools? I am jealous of their fun, really. Jealous of their enthusiasm! I have tried long and hard to understand why I am no longer capable of being a huge fan of other things.. I have a friend who is a HUGE American Idol fan.. travels to see idol shows, owns paraphanalia, etc.. There is also a grown woman that I have recently met who is obsessed with all things Twighlight and has seen the movie a million times, read all the books, etc. etc.. I just can't get excited about any one thing like that. I watch Idol. I read the Twighlight books.. I can't think of anything that I love that much that I would want to make it a necessary part of my esistence. Does that make me uncool? I am sure to some Parrothead like people, it would.. I guess I could never be part of their club. I would never get a parrothead tattoo.
I know. I will be a Riverfest Fanatic. What could I call that? I guess just a committee member. The tattoo would be cool.

Bipolar much??

I can't make up my mind what kind of mood to be in today. I think one second I want to be happy for all the strides that Britt and I are making with our financial peace; elated with Elijah's continued healing; happy that both of us have good jobs, cars and a home; pleased with myself for my current weight loss determination and success; and just all around Blessed..
Then there is the dark side of me that wants to just be pissed off. I think I am actually looking for reasons to be angry at SOMETHING today. For example: I think it's ridiculous to repeatedly invite someone to do things with the family only to be turned down over and over again - and then have that person be peeved that they didn't get an invite to ONE THING. I want to be angry about that!!! I really want to be angry about that - but is it worth the negative energy to be angry over something I think is petty? Should I let that suck out my joy and positive attitude of late? No.
I want for people to start owning up to their mistakes and stop blaming other people for what goes wrong and what makes them unhappy. If I don't pay my gas bill, and the gas company shuts off my gas - am I right to be angry with the gas company?? NO! it's not their fault I can't manage my money - it's mine!! (no - the gas company didn't shut off our gas - I am just using that as an example)
My weight gain is not Britt's fault (even though he does bake some really good stuff). My weight gain is not my kids fault - it's not my jobs fault, it's not cancers fault. None of those things controlled the enormous portions of food that I CHOOSE to put in my mouth.. Britt has never tied me down and made me eat chocolate pudding cake. I can't be angry at any of those things because my weight has spiraled out of control. I am the only one that has done this to me - and I am sorry my family has had to suffer the wrath of my unhappiness because of it. At least I can recognize that now. (I can hear the collective sigh and the big "FINALLY!!") I want to be angry about this - but I don't want it to steal my motivation and my pride in how well I have done with my portion control and food choices over the past few weeks. :) I have made huge strides and have reaffirmed that I DO have willpower and I CAN do this.
Okay.. I am stepping off my soapbox now. I just needed to get a few things off my chest. This week is going to be a week of things in the right direction. 10 years of marriage to celebrate - I say that's a big accomplishment in this day and age. I will also be celebrating this week the life of my Mom.. My anniversary is on her birthday. She died 10 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss her terribly. She was an amazingly brilliant, beautiful, funny woman. I will be celebrating Elijah's healing.. and anything else I can think of to celebrate!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. I am now 39 years old. To me, this means nearly 40. I don't guess it's so bad. I do, however, want to accomplish several things before I hit the big "four oh". I want to be in the best shape of my life by the time I hit 40. I want to also be at my goal weight by then. I am on my way to my goal weight - have I mentioned that I have lost 12 pounds since starting back with WW??? Yep. I went and weighed this evening. 12 pounds down - a bunch more to go.. but 12 pounds is A LOT.. I am proud of that.
I don't have to be done with school, but I do want to have at least applied to nursing school by the time I am 40. Wait - aren't most people supposed to decide what they want to be when they graduate high school? Yeah, right.. I have just done things backwards.
My birthday has been good. We went to dinner - chinese buffet. Went to see a movie with Britt and the kids. We went to see Ink Heart. It was good - but not as good as the book. I like Brenden Fraser, but I am not sure if I would have chosen him to play Mo.. But then again, I don't know who I would have chosen instead either.
Britt and Elijah are baking me a cake and it smells really good! No.. it's not a WW cake nor is it low fat or healthy in any way. It's my favorite - yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I am going to enjoy a large piece and a big glass of milk.. Afterall, it is my birthday and the last year of my thirties.. I am going to enjoy it.
Peace

25 Things

Several people have posted a random 25 things about me sort of thing on facebook recently. I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I don't know that I could come up with 25 things that I would really want to share with just anyone. Maybe my closest friends.. maybe Britt or my sister, but don't they know everything they need to know about me? Would any of my "25 things" come as a shock to them? Maybe to my sister.. but not to Britt.. I don't think.

1. When I read a book, I skip over words like if, and, but and the... I finish books really quickly.
2. I like to cook - but don't like the prep work or cleaning up.
3. I used to like to iron clothes. Now it's a pain in the rear.
4. I say the word "shit" way too much.
5. I am petrified of my car going off a bridge and landing in the river. I want one of those little tools that breaks glass out of the car so I can make a speedy escape.
6. I have very strange dreams nearly every night.
7. I want to be a nurse, but am petrified I won't be good at it.
8. I have a tattoo and would someday like to get another one.
9. I only have 9 things on this stupid list and am struggling trying to come up with more stuff.
10. I am a hypochondriac.
11. My husband makes me laugh everyday
12. Sometimes I really hate the fact that my daughter is so much like my exhusband
13. I hate hominy and english peas
14. If I could go anywhere in the world, I would want to go to Ireland.
15. I think it's neurotic that one day I think I need to be a tree hugging hippy and the next day I want to be a soccer mom and the day after that, I want to be a sports nut.. but the next day, I want to be a couch potato. I am just thankful I don't ever want to be a redneck again.
16. The first concert I went to without my mom was Adam Ant.
17. Sometimes I think I am really good at offering advice to other people
18. I used to want to be an English teacher.
19. I sleep with three pillows.. sometimes four if I can steal Britt's
20. I think my children are brilliant
21. I think my husband is brilliant
22. I think that if childhood cancer got half the support that breast cancer does, there would be more effective treatment and better chances for a cure. It makes me not want to buy anything "pink".
23. I wish I had more close friends
24. I used to collect unicorns.. ha ha ha
25. My dream car would be an old volvo, saab or mercedes..

Stress Week Coming Up...

Elijah has scans next week. It's always very stressful for us when he has scans. We don't really know what to expect. It could go either way at this point even though we expect his scans to be good. Cancer never really does what you expect it to, does it? His last scans were NORMAL.. First normal scan he has had since he was in Kindergarten. He has had another MIBG treatment since then too. We have several options for Elijah's continued treatment - we just don't know what option will be best until we get his test results. It feels really good to know we have options though.
I start my work week tomorrow - ugh. I wish I didn't work this weekend.. I have too many other things I would rather be doing!! ha ha. Working on weekends has it's advantages but it's beginning to get old. It is for the best right now though.. I know that for sure.
School starts back up for me on Monday. So.. next week, school, scans, appointments, etc.. Pray for me!

Disbelief

It's no secret that I have been battling with my weight for years. I have joined Weight Watchers a million and one times but still hold fast to the belief that it's the best program for me personally. It's the best program for me as long as I stick to it, that is! I once again took the plunge and joined WW last week with my friend C. I mean, my sister is getting married, Riverfest is coming up in a few short months, my knees are screaming at me on a daily basis to shed these excess pounds, and I really want to get in shape before I turn 40. This is the perfect time, right?
I went today for my first weekly weigh in after starting the program last Tuesday.
I wore the same pants I wore last week and a similar shirt.
I weighed at the same time I did last week.
I have stuck to the program with determination.
I stepped on the scale.
It said I lost 11 pounds.
11 pounds??? What the hell? Is that even possible to lose 11 pounds in one week? Is that healthy? I questioned the lady who weighed me.. She assured me that it was accurate and reminded me that my weight loss each week would not be as amazing as my astonishing 11 pounds. I will not expect it for sure.. I didn't expect it this week. I know that sometimes the first week on any program, you will lose more because you lose a lot of fluid you are retaining - but seriously!! Was I THAT bloated?
Wow.
I will say that it invigorated me - I will stick with this program in the hopes that my weigh in next week will show me still moving in the right direction. I will continue to drink lots of water, practice sensible portion control, and make good food choices.
Some of the girls I go to WW with joked that we will all be wearing leather pants by next New Years.. ha ha ha! I have never worn leather pants in my life, but this would be really funny..

Unsubscribe Me!

So this morning I spent a great amount of time going through my email inbox and unsubscribing to all the useless junkmail that I don't ever read. I love HGTV, but rarely read the emails they send me. Same goes for Victorias Secret and Lillian Vernon. I think I unsubscribed to at least 13 things. Hopefully my inbox will get much smaller and less active.
My husband gave me my birthday present last night. I am now a member of the elite "I have an iPhone club".. I am so excited! Our contract is up with our current carrier and we wanted to switch, so this was my excuse to get the phone.. (Can you see my grin????)
Hannah is on homecoming court for her school and the game is tonight. I will be up there today helping her get ready. I guess I will have to see if I can channel the old "dance recital mom" in me.. ha ha.
I pray next week is quiet. I would love to have a day where I don't have errands to run and appointments to get to.

Thoughts and Ideas

We are determined that 2009 is going to be the best ever for the Talley house. Ideas are running through my head like crazy on how to make it the best. I want to redo Elijah's bedroom so he will sleep in there. I want to do it super cool so he will be so proud of it and so comfortable in there too. He still has his love for sharks so I am thinking either a Sea Captain sort of thing with his shark stuff and ocean stuff - or a Surfer Dude kind of thing and incorporate the shark stuff through that.. Have his headboard be a "surfboard" with a shark bite out of it.. ha ha. I am also trying to think if Britt and I can make it with one vehicle. Two car payments is really not fun. Perhaps we could trade both of them in and get one car.. then save up to pay cash for another car in the near future. I think it might be doable if we could work the trade in of the two cars out.. hmmmmm..
We raked leaves today.. Man, did we ever rake leaves!!! I swear we have thirty bags piled up outside. The front yard looks much much better. I want some of the little lights that are solar powered for the flowerbed and I want some plants too - maybe plants that i could keep alive. ha ha.
I have made a list of home repairs that we need to do - large and small. My goal is to tackle at least one of the things on the list each month. I think that is doable. :)
We had some great friends over on New Years Eve and had a lovely evening. It was nice to ring in the Year of Hope with friends that have been through so much with us. That's what 2009 is for us.. The year of hope. :)
A few things I pray for for this year:
1. Elijah not to have to deal with cancer
2. Financial Peace - or closer to it
3. A real vacation - full of rest and family time
4. Health improvements for me and Britt