Blogging

I feel like I haven't blogged in a long time, but it really hasn't been that long. Christmas was very nice. I am really going to work this year on making Christmas less stressful for our family next year. Hannah had to run all over the place, so did my sister. It's ridiculous. Elijah and I didn't go to Britt's parents because Elijah ended up in the hospital. I missed it but was thankful that I didn't go there and overeat like I normally do.
My birthday is coming up. 39. wow. After my birthday is mine and Britt's 10th wedding anniversary. I wish we could do something special.
I am growing tired of working every weekend, but I still know that it's for the best with Elijah's treatment. I make no money and I would just like to do stuff on weekends.. go camping, see a movie, just hang out at home. I am having some pity party moments these days and really missing my mom to boot. I don't know that it would be any better if I worked MOnday through Friday from 8 to 5. It would probably be worse. I just miss making decent money. I really need to rethink the way I do a lot of things. I seem to always say that, don't I? I guess I should listen to myself once and for all.

Next Christmas

I think next Christmas I will not buy presents for anyone but my children. We cut things down this year - not doing a gift exchange with adults on Britt's side. I am just tired of stressing over what to get folks. Now I have everyone else taken care of, but my own kids!!! How crazy is that?
I want the kids to know more about Christmas rather than just wonder what they are going to get that's wrapped under the tree. I wish that one year we could go away and stay in a cabin - just the family.. Or enjoy the day at the beach. Seeing the true beauty of this world that God has created for us.
My birthday is coming up next month. I would like to have a dinner party for my birthday. Potluck, lots of friends, no presents. Donations to my favorite charities instead of gifts.
We are kitty sitting this weekend. Our sweet little friend Helen is getting some kittens for Christmas and Santa asked if they could stay at our house until it's time for them to be delivered. I guess it's too cold for kitties in the North Pole right now. :) They are really sweet. Our older cat has no interest in them, Dude, Elijah's cat, is following them everywhere. They are so playful! Elijah is enjoying having them here.
Tomorrow I go back to work. I have enjoyed being off even though we have been so very busy.
My friend Susan tried to sum up the past year in 30 words.. I don't know that I could do the same, but I will try.

2008
Hannah Sweet 16!, New hope for Elijah, new job, Chicago, Philadelphia, New Friends, missing old ones, Britt loves his job, read good books, lots of sorrow and joy, facebook addiction.

ha!

Home Sweet Home

I really like Philadelphia. I love being in the city, riding the train, seeing all the sites and different people walking about. I love all the history in Philadelphia - being in places where the foundation of our country was formed. We went to the most wonderful cafe last night. Naked Chocolate Cafe. Wow. Britt and I both had "sipping chocolate".. It was in a tiny teacup and served with whipped cream on the side. It was LOVELY. It was right next to our hotel that we stayed in after Elijah was discharged. We love our friends that live there and so enjoyed getting to spend time with them.
I like a lot of things about the city - but for everything I like, there are things that I do not like. I do not like the smell - it smells of urine and exhaust all over the place. I do not like the trash. For some reason people dump their trash along the train tracks and they are lined with garbage. It looks nasty. It's not a very safe place to be either.
I am glad we are home. I miss our pets and our bed. I missed our friends and our family. I have been excited to get home and get our Christmas decorations up and get Holiday shopping done. It's hard to come home and realize that you have to get back to the normal day to day business of life - but it still feels great to be here.

Suckish

I was sitting here thinking to myself while my lips are burning how suckish chapped lips are, but then I got to think about it in the whole grand scheme of things and decided that I will take chapped lips any day over some of the things that we have been dealing with over the past several years. Elijah's lips have been so chapped before that they molted, cracked and bled. Yuck. My chapped lips are nothing.
We receive the best news today. Elijah had an MIBG scan and it came back NORMAL.
We haven't heard that with regard to a scan since he was in Kindergarten before he relapsed. It was almost surreal, to tell the truth. It was like a sort of validation. What we are doing is working. The treatment we have researched and chosen for him really was the best thing. I prayed and prayed before his scan. I asked God to please let him have improved or stable disease so he could continue with his treatment. To have no disease show up on this scan was nothing short of God's Miracle in my opinion. Don't get me wrong.. He is far from out of the woods and truth be told he will be dealing with this disease for the rest of his life unless they come up with a cure. It's just a huge gigantic step in the right direction - the direction of keeping him healthy and with us for many years. Sigh.. Can you hear the relief in my typing?
Hannah passed her drivers test. It's more frightening than I can describe - to know that she will be out driving by herself very soon.
We leave on Sunday. I am hoping that it won't be as hard on Elijah as it was before. I am looking forward to being back in Philadelphia and seeing our friends again. Hannah will be with us this time and it will be a good opportunity for she and I to spend some time together. Much of the time in Philly Britt or I were alone because the other had to be with Elijah. Now Hannah will be there to keep us company. I think it will be good.
I guess I need to go to bed. Tomorrow will prove to be another busy day - this week has been crazy busy but I would go through tons more just like it to get the news we got today. I am grateful.

I am a Mom

I have been a mom for almost 16 years now. It's crazy. 8 years ago today, I held my baby boy in my arms for the first time. 16 years ago next Monday it was my baby girl. I am so blessed. We have had a million challenges together over the years but never once did I ever wish that I didn't have my children. I love them both so much and am so proud of them. They are both incredibly strong, brave, beautiful kids. The birthdays of my children is a special day for me too.

Turkey Day

I have to say this Thanksgiving has been one of the best. Britt and I cooked dinner here at our house and shared with his parents, Hannah and Elijah. The food was all wonderful - the weather was nice enough that Elijah was able to play outside for a bit on his swingset, and we really enjoyed the company. After the in-laws left, we cleaned up a bit more and then got a spur of the moment idea. Britt and I ran to the only store open to see if they had a Yahtzee game! They didn't have many games, but they had Yahtzee! We came home and Britt and I played three games with Elijah. It was really a lot of fun.
I have so much to be thankful for this year. I have two wonderful children who I absolutely adore, I have a great husband who is so very good to me and is truly my partner in life, I have a job that I enjoy (even though it would be nice if it paid more!), Elijah is doing well with his current treatment, we have fabulous friends and family, and Britt loves his job. I could go on and on about all that I am thankful for - but I am tired from eating too much today! I am thankful to my Lord for the gifts of life and love.
Tomorrow - I get to enjoy another day with my family. What more could a girl ask for?

Prayer

I have been spending a lot of time praying lately. Some friends of ours have a "prayer corner".. just a little nook in their house with some candles and a few things to remind them of why they pray, a small table to put a bible or reading material on, and a couple of cushions on the floor to sit comfortably on. I would like to have that someplace in this house. I really don't have any open corners though! I guess I could create just a prayer spot next to my bed. I have books and magazines there anyway.
Some things I have been praying about: Elijah's healing, my health, mine and britt's stress levels, financial issues, my eating habits, and getting my house in order.
The prayer is working. My house is coming together nicely. I am gaining better control of my eating habits - and making a few better choices here and there. I wish I could give up the diet coke. I could. I know I could. I need to start drinking more water instead. I started liking a bit of club soda with lime in it. I wonder if that's any better for me than DC. I doubt it.
Prayers for today: Elijah's healing, continued motivation, diet coke to taste nasty to me.

Tomorrow

My work week is done. Tomorrow I need to get back in the swing of doing stuff around the house. I am wondering if I can get Elijah to do the 6 minute challenge tomorrow! Maybe even a couple. If not, I will do a few ten minute stints on my own. Things still look pretty good, but I really need to keep up with it and get more accomplished.
Britt built another lovely fire tonight. I love having a fire going in the living room.
I am tired so I will try to come up with something better to write tomorrow.

And my work week begins...

This is my Sunday night. I am getting ready to go to bed. I have to be up for work early tomorrow. I feel as though this has been a good and productive week, even though I still have much to do. I am starting to get in the holiday spirit!! I really want to start decorating my house for Christmas but I refuse to do so until after Thanksgiving. Britt will probably want me to wait until December 1st but we will be too busy getting ready for our trip. I may go ahead and do it the Friday after since Thanksgiving is so late this year.
It's been a good week. A busy one.. but a good one.

6 Minute Challenge

I have invented a new game of sorts. Elijah thinks it's the best - which really cracks me up. He is calling it "The Six Minute Challenge". I have a really hard time getting him to pick up after himself. He can destroy a room in minutes and I am not exaggerating. I decided today that I would just do a little bit of cleaning in each room of the house rather than focus on one room. In effort to get him to help pick up - the six minute challenge was born. We took small slips of paper and on each paper, we wrote down 8 different areas of the house. The Den, The Dining Room, The Kitchen, etc... We put them in a little box, shuffled them up and drew a slip of paper. We set the timer and went to work in that room - trying to get as much done as we could until the timer went off. Now.. honestly, I thought he would be good for one room and then I would be on my own again. HE LOVED IT! We both worked up a sweat trying to get stuff done quickly. He was such a great helper! He dusted, he swiffered, he picked stuff up.. It was hysterical! I had to stop him after 4 rooms because frankly - I was getting worn out! He didn't want to stop! I made a deal with him and took him out to play for a bit. I told him we would do the other rooms with dad's help once he got home from work. He was so anxious for Britt to get home so we could continue "the challenge"! We finished our 8 areas of the house. It's absolutely amazing how much you can do in a room in 6 minutes!!! My house is in much better shape right now that it has been in a while. Elijah decided that he wants to do the challenge again tomorrow so we made up 8 more slips of paper and will do 4 or 5 over the course of tomorrow. If we keep this up, my house will be spotless!!

Rainy Day

It's raining that nice, slow, steady rain right now. I love that kind of rain, but it doesn't help to motivate me much on organizational projects. It really makes me want to crawl in bed with a book. I guess I shouldn't blame that on the rain. I always prefer to crawl in to bed with a book! ha ha. I will resist. Perhaps later I will read for a bit, but not before I accomplish a few things.
Elijah had clinic today. This might sound crazy, but I love it up there. I feel so comfortable in clinic and at the hospital. Don't get me wrong - I get sick of it when we have to be there every day and would prefer that Elijah NEVER have to set foot in a hospital - but today I saw a bunch of friends and was reminded of what a great support system we have there. One of our little friends is getting ready to check in for her last chemo treatment.. That is so exciting! I almost wanted to cry with joy for her mom. Finishing chemo is such a huge milestone, but one that is followed by unexpected fear as well. It's very bitter sweet. Your kid is taking medicine that making them very sick but it is warding off the disease that is trying to kill him or her - then you stop taking the medicine. The kid feels better - but is that giving the disease chance to come back? It's terribly frightening. Having cancer isn't something like having appendicitis. You don't have it, have the appendix taken out, and then you are done. Cancer stays with you forever - even if the disease is gone. It changes you. Elijah will be in treatment for years now. After we finish MIBG if his disease is gone or remains stable, we will move on to another form of long term treatment. Elijah will be treated as though his disease is chronic. In a way, I think that's almost going to be a bit easier to cope with on a daily basis as opposed to watching and waiting for it to come back. It sounds crazy, I know..
I guess I better get busy with my chores. Lots to do!!!

TGI My Friday

I worked my short shift today. Ten hours. I like Monday's because Britt and I ride together. He and I used to ride together every day - for quite a few years. I miss having that little bit of time alone together so it has been nice. After work we went to get Elijah from the G-parents and then headed to Hannah's volleyball tryouts. She played pretty good - but was not happy with her performance. We will know next Wednesday if she made the team or not. It's nearly 11pm and we are home. Ahh.. home. I have to take Hannah to school in the morning and THEN it will be my day off. My day to rest and continue my organization quest in the house. Not sure what my project will be tomorrow. Five minutes in each of the rooms I have already done, and then find something new. There is sure plenty to chose from!!! For now.. I am off to find my pj's. I wish I had an electric blanket. That would come in handy this evening! Maybe I will ask for one for Christmas.

Another Day... Another small mountain climbed.

This day has been a busy one. For most folks, today is their Friday. For me - it's like my Sunday. My "work week" starts tomorrow. I started my day off late, as usual, because I didn't set my alarm correctly. I got Elijah to his clinic appointment around 9:30. We were able to get his labs drawn fairly quickly and then we headed off to pick Hannah up from school. I called the hospital to check Elijah's lab results because we suspected he would need platelets.(Platelets are the part of the blood that help it to clot - when platelets are low, he is prone to bruising and bleeding) Normal is around 150. Elijah's were 14 today. After a quick run through the BK Drive-thru, we headed back up to ACH so Eli could get a tranfusion. Before tranfusing a blood product, they pre-medicate with tylenol and benadryl so that took a bit.. then we had to wait on blood bank to send them. That took a while. His platelets came, were transfused, and within 30 minutes we were on our way out the door.
My sisters boyfriend called today. Some friends had a sofa they were giving my sister but she needed a place to store it so I offered our house. Joe brought it over today and I put it in the dining room - it's large enough. After I put it in there, I realized how disastrous my dining room looked! We had so much JUNK piled on the lovely bookshelf! I am starting to fear that we are becoming packrats!!!! ARRRGGHHHHH!!! So I rearranged a tiny bit in the dining room and Britt and I went to work on the bookshelf and dining room. We managed to eliminate all things from the shelf and dining room that do not belong there. It looks so much better. Some things we put in their right place, some we found a better "temporary" home for, and others we simply through out. Britt mentioned that it doesn't do any good for me to just put things in closets or drawers. I disagree! I figured that once I got the main parts of the house organized, I could then work on closets and drawers! I think that sounds like a grand plan. So.. now my room is clean, my kitchen is clean, and my dining room is clean.. I guess next week I tackle the den and the bathrooms!!! yipes! All in all, I feel pretty good about the progress I am making in the house. I am hoping that having things around me more organized will help my thoughts to be more organized and allow me some free time. Free time to actually enjoy rather than avoid things I really need to be doing.
All in all, I would say I have put in a full day.

What I did Today

Today, I cleaned my room. To some that may not seem like much. If you had ever been in my room, sadly, you would realize it was quite the task. I took several stacks of magazines, books, Elijah's artwork, notebooks, etc out of my room. I had Elijah help me since a good deal of what was in there belonged to him anyway. He made several trips to his bedroom hauling toys back where they belong. I eliminated any and all laundry out of my bedroom. I don't know why our bedroom always ends up being the laundry room. Baskets of clothes that need to be put away, dirty clothes that need to be sorted and washed. Yuck. It's no wonder neither of us sleep very well. I removed all the clutter from on top of the dresser and the chest. Receipts for things that I have no idea why they were being kept are now safely in their resting place in the garbage. Now.. not only did I elminate clutter in there.. I CLEANED IT. I dusted everything and even shampooed the carpet in there. The bed is made, the carpet looks great, most everything is in its place. Why can't there be more hours in the day when I am in the mood to get things done like that? If there were more hours in the day, do I think I would do more? Probably not.

A time for Change...

It appears we have elected our new President. I have to say that I voted for Mr. Obama. I think it was the right thing to do, even though I had my doubts. The reason I had my doubts was because of race - but not in the way most would think. The headlines today were huge.. "First Black President".. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't he just as much white as he is black? His mother was a white woman. He is half white. It angers me that there were people who voted for him simply because of the color of his skin. To me... that's just as racist as those who did not vote for him just because of the color of his skin. Some of those who voted for him have no concept of the issues or what is at stake in a presidential election. I refuse to believe that "gangster lite" that was on the elevator with me today, sportin his black and silver large as life OBAMA face t-shirt hanging down to his knees took the time to read up on the issues. I am happy that he has someone he thinks he can better identify with - but President Obama does not wear his hat to the side, he pulls his pants up, and he doesn't say "shee-it"

I don't do sick very well.

So I watched the movie with Britt (The Mexican, by the way) and went to bed a bit later than I had originally anticipated. I woke up around 3am with the most horrible stomach pains and nausea. Oh.. it was awful. I threw up so much that my ribs, my back, and my stomach muscles are so incredibly sore today. I stayed in bed (or in the bathroom) all day yesterday. I slept a good deal of it with the help of some phenergan and must admit that I do feel loads better today. I have the "sick hangover" today. The little big hanging on to remind me that I am still not quite up to par just yet. My head aches along with my muscles from hurling. Here is the sad part - in the midst of all of this I am thinking to myself that I should at least lose a pound or two while suffering through this stomach virus - right? Today I woke up not even hungry which is really strange after not eating a thing all day yesterday. I have had a bowl of cereal and a sandwich today. Maybe a stomach virus was God's way of getting me started on eating smaller portions. ha ha. Something needs to. I had a friend who is not much older than I am suffer from a heart attack a few weeks ago. Talk about scary stuff.
I voted today. It felt good. I like voting. I feel like it gives me the right to complain about the state of our country if I vote.
I am worn out now. I have done very little today but am wiped out so I think I will take a nap. Being sick is really suckish.

yeah, not so much.

I read on the blog of a friend of mine that she was going to try to do an entry every day. I decided that I would aspire to the same. Todays entry, however, will be brief. My day today sucked so I don't feel much like writing. One of our little friends from 3 Gold (oncology ward at ACH) passed away today. I had to have a little breakdown in the bathroom at work. So.. rather than dwell on it and write a bunch of stuff that really doesn't matter to much anyway - I am going to go watch my husbands favorite movie with him and then call it a night. Maybe I will feel more chatty tomorrow -

Can you at least say "Trick or Treat"????

Okay.. Last night was Halloween. We stayed home for a few minutes to pass out candy before we took Elijah out. Now.. We have been very consistent with teaching our kids trick or treating etiquette. #1. Wear a costume. #2. Say Trick or Treat. #3. Say THANK YOU. Our neighborhood was invaded last night by children who were not taught any of the above. Their parents drove in to our neighborhood and let their costumeless children run wild up and down our streets and through our lawns! It was terrible! They just come up to the door and hold their bags out. If it weren't for fear of retaliation, I would have said something. A few times I just said "Trick or Treat" to the kids to see if they would at least say it back. Britt won't even answer the door now, it angers him so. A few kids nearly knocked Elijah down trying to get in front of him at the door. I think I liked our Halloween party last year better than the whole trick or treating experience of this year.
Election day is coming up. Most of my friends have already voted. I guess I will wait in line on Tuesday and cancel out my sisters vote. ha ha.

Almost Home..

We are in Nashville tonight in a lovely hotel room. Our friends, the Richardsons, wanted to put us up in a hotel tonight - and they made us a reservation in a lovely hotel.. so once again - I feel like I am in the lap of luxury. It makes me really hope that my house is still clean when I get home tomorrow! I wish I had brand new sheets on my bed! ha ha.
So yesterday when we left Philadelphia, we decided to drive through Hershey!!! Britt LOVES chocolate so we thought this would be like a pilgrimage for him. It was really a great trip! The drive was so beautiful. Lots of farmland - we even saw some Amish folk driving their buggy down the road. It made me think.. so many people go to Lancaster just to gawk at the Amish. I wonder if it bothers them to be such a tourist attraction. The country was lovely though. The trees are all turning up there. Now that we are in Tennessee - we can tell that the trees here aren't turning as much as they were up there.
Hershey was great! We went through a little tour that shows how the chocolate is made and we saw a 3D film that Elijah really loved. He got to package his own kisses, and we picked up a couple of things. It was a nice short stop on our long trip.
We drove from there to Lexington Virginia. I know I sound like a broken record - but Virginia is so lovely! Now.. we had a little adventure on the way. We used a google map to get directions to the hotel we were staying in last night. They were SO WRONG! We drove down this road that looked like it was going nowhere. The next instruction was to turn down "Poor House" road... We followed the directions perfectly until we went through a tunnel - and ended up on a dirt road in the middle of nothing!! No houses, no nothing!!! We quickly turned around and headed back to the highway. I called the hotel and got directions from them instead - and we made it to the hotel just fine. Apparantly we weren't the only ones who went down the road less traveled to middle of NOTHING!!! It was worth a good laugh.. :)
Today we got up and began our journey on to Nashville. Once we got here and checked in to our hotel, we went over to the outlet mall that took the place of Opryland.. (I think it's sad that I didn't even know that Opryland was no longer in existence!) They have an Aquarium Restaurant there and Elijah was in heaven!!! They had several sharks, stingrays, eels and other fish in the HUGE tank.. He loved it!!
We are ready to be at home tomorrow..

Luxury never felt so good...

Since we arrived in Philadelphia, we have had less that comfortable accomodations. The Ronald McDonald House is such a wonderful thing and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to be able to stay there - but our room this time was horrible. We were right next to the laundry room where they have the industrial washing machine and dryer.. and right above the teen room where they have a loud juke box and we could hear the thump thump of the base. They have beds at the Ronald McDonald House that are supposed to be top of the line and really comfortable - but we just don't like them. They are sleep number beds and for the life of me I can't figure out my number! The first night we stayed there, Elijah slept on the majority of my half of the bed - My back hurt so badly the next day! The next two nights I slept on a chair bed in the hospital with a led sheild between Elijah and I. Truthfully, it was almost more comfortable than the sleep number bed!!! In both locations, we had to travel in order to bathe. At the Ronald, we had to walk down the hall and pray there wasn't anyone else using the shower room. At the hospital, we had to get on the elevator and go from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor - then walk through the lobby to another set of elevators and then ride up to the 8th floor to get to the shower. Most of the time you could shower in the patient room, but because of Eli's radioactivity, we had to go use the parent resource center. The parent resource center itself is WONDERFUL - but the journey there was pretty inconvenient. Elijah was released from the hospital today. I feel like I am in heaven now. Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation took care of our hotel room and put us up in a lovely hotel. We have two double beds in our room - with big fluffy white pillows, a view of the Philly skyline, and a bathroom right in the room.. I just soaked in the tub. It was wonderful. Britt, Elijah and I are all in the same room - which hasn't happened much in the past few days. Anyone who knows us, knows that we are usually always together. Things feel more normal now, even though we are still in Philadelphia. We really like Philly and would probably love it more if we could spend more time seeing stuff.
Tomorrow we are going to go to the zoo! I want to take lots of pictures while we are here..More soon!

Strange New World

We are in Philadelphia. It's a different setting than we are used to for hospital stays. It's odd to not to know where things are and to feel at home with everything. We are strangers here. We see all these other families here in the hospital and we don't know them. We don't know their stories. I think I miss that feeling of being connected quite a bit. I miss having our nurses that know when Elijah is really hurting and what is normal for him. I am not saying the nurses here are bad. They have actually been wonderful! Everyone has. I mean, we are in a world class facility that is constantly voted the #1 pediatric hospital in the country.. It's amazing. It's just unfamiliar and not home. I am so thankful that Britt and I researched and found out about this treatment. I really have a good feeling about it and I think it's going to work for Elijah. I just know it is. Elijah is miserable right now. He can't move too much - the catheter is really bothering him. He is asking for pain meds all the time because it's bothering him so much. He doesn't normally do that unless he really needs it. I hope they understand that. They don't know him. They don't know us. Part of me wishes that they did, but then the other part is thankful that we haven't had to be up here too much and prays that we won't be up here enough that they will know us well.

What a difference a day makes...

Oh.. I so needed a day off. I am so thankful for yesterday. I stayed home all day and did odd things around the house, painted a bit in the hall way, did some dishes, and just slowed down. It was wonderful!!! I really think I just needed a day off to not feel so overwhelmed by everthing! I am better...

What a week.

This week seems like a blur to me now. It has been non stop - and my work week starts tomorrow. It's been so busy, but I feel like I have accomplished so very little. My foot has hurt off and on for most of the week. We have been at the hospital so Elijah could get chemo at least 4 hours each day - and we were there for nearly 10 hours today. I am exhausted and stressed. I think Britt and I both are. We are both snappy. I think I cried three times yesterday. I have just been overwhelmed. I am going to bed early tonight. I know. I am whiney and I need to go to bed.
Elijah starts daily shots tomorrow. He was pretty sore earlier from his surgery, but seems to feel better now.
My house is a wreck. I think Tuesday will be a housecleaning day. I hope so anyway. I just haven't had the time or energy to do much of anything in the house this week.
Good news though.. Insurance has approved Elijah's treatment in Philadelphia! Once his stem cell harvest is complete, we should get a better schedule of what is to come. I had a good talk with my sweet friend Lisa yesterday and she reminded me that all of this will happen in God's perfect timing and I need to just relax and let him drive for a while. I have a hard time with that. I need to pray that God help me to be a little bit less of a control freak. Pray that God helps me to keep my mouth shut every once in a while and let Britt talk. I need a day off.

Gallery and More

Gallery of Hope was Saturday. It was lovely, though crowded and very stressful. I think it went well, but am not sure how much money we made. it was still a lovely evening and one I was proud to be part of - even in a small way.
I seem to have hurt my foot - again. I went to the ER on Sunday but was really not satisfied with the answer they gave me. I put my boot back on and now my foot feels better. I need to go back to the foot doctor. I am at work today and feel okay being here in my boot.

I did something I really shouldn't have done - but I am glad that I did it. a few years ago Britt and I attended a 10 week class at our church called Alpha.They ended up in a bit of a bind and needed another small group leader. I said I would do it. What was I thinking? I had to get up and speak in front of about 30 people. YIPES. I was so nervous. I think it will be good for me though. It already feels great to be involved in Church again. We love our Church and not being able to go on Sundays has been bugging me and Britt.

oops

I made the mistake of weighing myself today. Yuck. I guess I should have gotten a starting weight 7 days ago when I began this. I am sure that I am down some, but was still disgusted to see how much I weigh. My wedding ring is sure thankful that I have done this.. Now it stays comfortably where it belongs on my finger whereas before I had days where I couldn't wear it at all. So.. now I have a point of reference for next week. Day 14 is where I have decided to go to before I make a decision to continue or move on to something else. It's still going well - even though last evening I was very hungry for some reason. Not really hungry, just had the munchies in a bad way!
Elijah has clinic today but I still have aspirations of getting my room and the den completely cleaned.

Burritos, por favor?

Okay.. I have to figure out a way to have a burrito or something on this new low carb way of eating. I love mexican food and have been craving it. Probably because I know I can't have it.. Tortillas, rice, etc. I have to admit that even the nasty premade sandwiches in the cafeteria looked appealing this afternoon. I did well - again. Day 5 and still going strong. I am still eating lean meats and veggies for the most part. 5 days without diet coke. I am shocked that I am not biting heads off!!! ha ha. It's going well. I am glad I am doing this.
Work has been particularly exhausting this weekend. We have been so busy the past two days. Nice weather means lots of accidents. When the accidents slow down, flu season will hit and we will be bombarded with that again. I love my job though. One more day and my work week is done.. I love the three day work week.
Tomorrow i am hoping it will be slower so I can research how to make a low carb friendly burrito! ha

Day 4 and still hanging in there...

So far so good. I have not had a carbonated beverage in 4 days and I have also been successful at limiting my carb intake. I have eaten primarily lean protein and veggies for 4 days now. I am feeling retty good, to tell the truth. I am, however, refusing to step on the scale at this point. I am going to judge how well this works on how my clothes fit (or fall off) and how I feel. I swear my face is already clearing up quite a bit. I was shocked.. I mean, I still have a few leftover things to deal with, but for the most part, my skin looks pretty good! Well, good for me anyway. I have been drinking tons of water too. I am still sticking with it.. I will not give up or pass any judgement on the effectiveness of this new way of eating until I have done it for two weeks. That's my committment to myself.

Can I use my superpowers in this room?

We have always said that Elijah is a superhero. Frankly, because he is! Yesterday he had this little stretchy spiky rubber hat thing. He was making up all kinds of stuff about it.. I sat and listened for ten minutes.. "If I put this on my leg, it gives me the power of super speed. If I put it on my arm, it gives me the power of invisibility. If I put it on my head, it gives me the power of supreme knowledge". He did all of this and demonstrated each one. He has such a great sense of humor. I just laughed and laughed. Britt and I were trying to figure something out with the table for the classroom, so I asked Elijah to put on his supreme knowledge hat and help us out. He laughed at me as though he thought I really believed the hat would give him the power of supreme knowledge. Silly Mama.
The week Elijah was diagnosed, he had to have a bone marrow aspirate. They sedated him prior, thank God. When he started to wake up he was very drunk and extremely amusing. He kept Lora (his nurse) in stitches the whole time. Making up songs about his pulse ox light, telling Britt and I that we had three noses, etc. The best one though - and the one that was just a brief glimpse in to what Elijah would be capable of over the course of the next three years.. He looked at Lora and said "I have a question. Is it okay if I use my superpowers in this room?" She gave him permission and he's been using those superpowers ever since.

It's getting there!

I feel pretty good about the strides I have made towards organization today. The classroom space is nearly up and ready to go. All of our supplies are put in their place, the new table is in there, and the world map that I bought is hung on the wall. I think it will be good for Elijah and I both to have a place to do our school work without the distractions of the rest of the house. Just having all of our school stuff in one place instead of all over will be great too.
I started eating better yesterday. I am trying to follow a lower carb way of eating. I am fully addicted to carbs, so this is a huge challenge for me. I just need to cut out the sugar and the processed flour products that I eat. No more diet coke, either. Diet Coke is like crack for me.. I think I may have mentioned that a time or two! I am going to do it this time. The first two weeks will be the hardest, but also the most rewarding. So.. prayers are appreciated! I have done Weight Watchers several times but never seem to have the desire or will power to stick with it so I am trying something completely different. I feel positive about it, but also don't have that "oh, this will be a breeze" mentality - Maybe it's really time.

No place like home

We went to Philadelphia on Tuesday of last week. We took Elijah to the children's hospital there to meet with a doctor who specializes in Elijah's specific cancer. It was a good meeting. While we were in Philly we stayed at the Ronald McDonald House. I was really excited when we got to our room because we saw that there was a sleep number bed in the room. Well, my excitement ended once I got in the bed. No matter what number I put it on, I was NOT comfortable. I felt as though I were sleeping on an air mattress, which I guess is what a sleep number bed is. Neither one of us slept well while we were there. When we got home, Elijah started to run fever so we had to take him to the hospital. He was admitted on Thursday but released today. Tonight will be the first night I will get to sleep in my own bed in 5 nights and I am sooo excited about it. To have the whole family here at home and to sleep in my bed and my room are things that I think I take for granted. My house needs some work and some updating, but I really do love it. If we could fix it up and repurpose some of the rooms, I could live here forever.
Tomorrow is my first day as a full time hospital employee. I have been part time up until now. crazy timing, isn't it? All in all, I am feeling pretty good about the direction things are going in for us and for Eljah. I am getting in to the swing of school for Elijah and I and the house is getting closer and closer to being organized. I am getting a new laptop in 10 days! woo hoo!!!!

Dinner in a box, ripped pants, and heartbreak!

Okay.. A friend at the hospital said that Macaroni Grill is now making boxed dinners - much like hamburger helper only with Mac Grill food and chicken. Seeing as how I LOVE Macaroni Grill, I decided to give it a try and bought two of them. FABULOUS! Well, for dinner in a box, they sure are. We had the marsala last night and are trying another one tonight. Why do I love pasta so much? Anyhoo.. if you want some decent pasta and don't have time to cook, these seriously only take about twenty minutes and are pretty tasty.
Elijah had his last chemo for this round today. It went smoothly for him. Not so much for me.. It was one of those days. I forgot my bottle of water that I meant to bring, brought the wrong book to read, and as soon as we got there, I RIPPED MY PANTS! My favorite old khaki capri pants that I have been wearing for years - I guess they were just too well loved. I SWEAR they were not too tight! I had plenty of room in them. Here is the crazy part - I didn't rip out the seat - I RIPPED OUT THE CROTCH! or the area near the crotch, I guess I should say. Thankfully I had a long enough shirt on that it covered it.. As the 5 hour day in the hospital was wearing on, the hole was wearing larger and larger. My the time we left the hospital, I was lucky my pants weren't falling off. Jiminy. I guess I have to throw away my favorite pants now - so the world does not see my panties.
And now for the heartbreak. As many of you who read my friend Susan's blog already know, she is expecting her first baby! Now - while this is cause for much celebration and jubilation, my heart is broken because they have moved away! For normal friends, they aren't so far away, but for a very dear friend who is having her first baby, it is too far for my taste!!! How in the world am I going to effectively love this little one from so far away????? Good grief. I guess I will just have to figure this out.. I hope she knows she has to share this baby with me. ha!

I Wish....

A friend of mine posted a bunch of things on her want list a few days ago. It really got me to thinking. I have quite a few wishes too.. Some are reasonable, and some are way out there. One of the things on my friends list was a cute hairstyle.. I splurged the other day and went to a REAL salon and got a GREAT haircut! I am so pleased with it..
I am trying to do housework today and it makes me really wish I had a maid. It's not that I am too busy to clean or don't have time.. cause I do. I just don't want to do it! ha! I get in a cleaning mode every once in a great while, but that never comes on weeks like this one where I have time to clean. I just wish I had someone to come in and do all my floors. That would make me happy.. ha!
Now for my list of wishes...it includes but is not limited to.
1. I wish our family could take a beach vacation with friends.. just to hang out in a condo on the beach and relax.
2. I wish we could pay off our mortgage and our cars and never have those big payments again EVER.
3. I wish I could put new carpet in my whole house
4. I wish Elijah had a nice backyard to play in with a super cool swing set
5. I wish I had gone to nursing school when I was younger
6. I wish I wasn't addicted to diet coke
7. I wish all three of our kids were just mine and Britt's and we didn't have "the other parents" to deal with.
8. I wish Elijah's cancer would be gone forever
9. I wish I was skinny and healthy
10. I wish that if I was skinny and healthy, I had cute shoes and clothes
11. I wish I spoke more than one language.

These are in no particular order of importance, obviously. Elijah's healing would be at the top of the list for sure.. Just some thoughts. I know that none of the other things are ingredients to true happiness.. most are just silly wants and thoughts. A girl can dream, can't she? Maybe I can start marking some of this off my list one by one.. starting with Elijah's cancer being gone - forever.

My Saturday

Today is my Saturday. I worked all weekend and now have a day off. Elijah and I are about to run a few errands. After errands, I will come home and begin the process of getting my home and life in order in preparation for beginning treatment again. Britt always says that organization is the key. I know that he is so right, but organization has always been something I have struggled with. I know how to get organized and what needs to be done to stay organized. I am just not great at the implementation! So.. today I begin AGAIN. (How many times have I said that in this blog???) I am going to buy a bigger planner at school today to help me get some stuff down and straightened out. I did plan my menu for the week last night and did my shopping on my way home from the hospital. That's a relief. Hannah is ready to start school so that is marked off my list. I need to get Elijah's classroom in order and get the house cleaned up.
People are already asking what they can do to help us. I am at such a loss at this point. I don't know what to tell them until we know how much time we will be spending in Philly. I think finances and pet care will be our biggest challenges as far as the logistics of all of this. I am sure the answers will come.

Finally a blog entry...

I sat the other day at work and typed an email to myself to post as a blog entry. (I can't access blogspot at work) The events of the past couple of days made me decide to scrap that entry and just type a new one.
I am mad. Elijah's scans came back showing that he still has some disease left.. As a matter of fact, it's new disease that is showing up. I hate Neuroblastoma. We are going to go to Philadelphia to see if there is a better treatment option for him. I hate that he is going to have to go through more harsh treatment - but we really want this crap gone!!! He is taking it all in stride - which is good. We tried to put it to him very lightly and point out the bright side - which is we are going to get to go to Philadelphia! I have to admit, that is pretty cool.
I had my crying fit - then that was over. Today is my mad day, I guess. Hopefully tomorrow I will go into "fight" mode. I have started to try to gather information on Philadelphia so hopefully we will be able to do some fun things while we are there. So much is still unknown to us. We have NO idea when we will be able to go. That part is all in the hands of our doctor and the team up there - when they can get all this coordinated with insurance and get us an appointment. Not knowing is really frustrating to me. We want to go as soon as possible and begin treatment. (Okay, I feel the fight mode coming on).
School.. I have registered for school. I am taking four classes this fall at the local community college. I thought about cancelling it, but then I decided I needed to do this for myself. I did have to change my schedule a bit though. All my classes are online. I am excited about being back in school..
Okay.. I am NOT wonderwoman. I am NOT supermom. I am NOT the worlds best wife and homemaker.. and I am about to be spread even thinner.. My job at the hospital has just gone from 2 days to 3, but will make me full time instead of just part time.. I am now a full time student, Elijah is getting ready to start school and I will be teaching him, not to mention the fact that we are gearing up for another full time cancer battle. What the hell am I going to do?? I HAVE to get my shit together and get organized or not enough xanax in the world will be enough to keep me sane. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and just need to learn what the plan will be for his treatment so we can work everything else around all of that. I think I have frightend myself and must go have a glass of wine.

What a Trip!

We just got back from our trip to Chicago for the Neuroblastoma Conference that is put on by the Childrens Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation. I am so thankful that the opportunity for us to go to this conference was there. I can't even begin to adequately express the wealth of information that we received. Britt and I really feel like we have a better grasp of the other treatment options that are available for Elijah and which direction we need to travel in for our next leg in this cancer journey. We had the opportunity to listen to researchers and Neuroblastoma specialists from all over the country. We also had the chance to speak to some of the doctors with regard to Elijah's care. All have agreed that Elijah has received excellent care here at our hospital, but there are some options available that we just can't get done here. There were nearly 100 families there from all over the world. It was amazing, to say the least.
We didn't have much spare time and were in the suburbs of Chicago, so we didn't get to venture out until our last night there. We rode the train in to downtown Chicago. We hailed a cab at Union Station and went to the top of the Sears Tower. wow. What a view of such a beautiful city. Chicago was so clean and lovely. I wanted so badly to go in to the opera house, but we were running really behind. We had just enough time to eat Chicago pizza at Lou Malnati's and then catch our train back to our car. We had so much fun sharing this with Elijah. I love times like these. Depending on what the scans show in a few weeks, we have a much clearer path ahead. It's a good feeling to know your way - or at least have a better idea..

4th of July Weekend

I have worked all this weekend, but we did manage to go watch fireworks on the 4th. It was really nice. Dickey Stephens Park opened the stands for free for folks to come watch the downtown display. I really never thought about it, but that's a pretty good place to watch the fireworks. The weather could not have been better. There was a nice breeze blowing and it had rained earlier in the day so the rain cooled things off a bit. The concession stands were open and they had the community band playing patriotic music down on the field. It was really a nice night. I loved being there with Elijah and Britt. I just wish I hadn't been so sleepy and ready to get in the bed! I have been in a bit of a funk lately, as I am prone to at times so the evening out with my two favorite guys was really good for me. I need more times like that!

Too early for normal folk

I had to be at work by 3:30 this morning. That's a crazy time to come to work, honestly. I found myself looking at all the houses in my neighborhood to see if there were any lights on. Lots of folks were either in the garage, or left the lights on in there. There was more traffic than I expected though. I figured they must be going to work at the terrible hour of 3:30 just like me, heading to the ER to hang out with folks like me, or they were drunk. I think, based on the huge crowd at Waffle House, they were mostly drunk. Armed with this assumption, I drove with great caution the rest of the way to to work. The house was packed when I got here, sadly. It's good to be busy, but bad that so many kiddos are feeling bad enough to be in the ER at 4am on the 4th of July. I am just glad I am working early today instead of later. I have visions of all these kids with burns because their redneck parents taught them that it's okay to play with firecrackers. Yeah, I know.. I shouldn't judge.

Morbid Thoughts

So when I die, I want to be cremated. I don't want to be buried. Well, I guess if whoever is in charge of all the stuff wants to bury my ashes, that would be okay with me.. but I don't want my body buried unless it's been cremated. Don't ask me why - cause I really don't know. If any of my organs are of any value, give them to someone else. I sure as heck don't need them anymore. I also don't want a traditional funeral. i don't like going to funerals at all and only go most of the time because I feel obligated. Truthfully, funerals make me miserable. So.. no funeral for me. What we did for my mom when she passed would be perfect for me - only I would like for it to be potluck instead of me and my sister cooking all the food - primarily cause I will be otherwise occupied and unable to cook - and my sister tends to improvise in the kitchen too much.. ha! So.. potluck it is. Potluck, Beer, Wine, and shots. Everyone would have to bring one of my favorite dishes. John would bring potato salad, someone else would have to make strawberry shortcake, I don't really know what else.. I want Dave Matthews and James Taylor playing as background music unless I have developed a new taste in music by then and have replaced my two favorites, which I doubt.. I would like to have pictures about of me with people I love... I would like a few people to toast with a favorite memory of me if they have any, and that's it. I don't want a preacher who most likely doesn't know me standing in front of a group of people in a church who would much rather be someplace else preaching to everyone about how they need to give their life to God because eventually they are all going to die like me and hopefully they will get to go to Heaven and be where I am. I just detest funerals. As far as my ashes go.. I really don't know what I would want done with them... unless someone could sneak a bit in to Disneyland. That would be a nice resting place for me, I think. :)

Stuff and Nonsense

Hannah got her braces off today. Her teeth look amazing! I am really pleased with them. Elijah will for sure need braces as well. His teeth that are coming in are terribly crooked. I had braces. They suck. I know she must be glad to have them off finally. It seems like she has had them on forever.
The big kids are going back to Conway today. It will seem really quiet around here for a few days and i am sure Elijah will get lonely. I need to come up with something to do with him tomorrow that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. He wants to go to the pool, but his feet are pretty tender so we need to avoid that for a day or so. Maybe we will go to the library.

Elijah on Two Wheels!

Here is a video of Elijah riding his bike with no assistance from us, or training wheels. Now he loves to ride and wants to do so two and three times each day! I am just so happy that he accomplished this. I think it's an important milestone for every kid.

This sums it up...

One of the other parents on a neuroblastoma message board that I am on wrote this some time ago. It pretty much sums up how we feel on regular basis and what it's like to live with the fear of Elijah relapsing.

Britt and I both agree that this is brilliant.

There's a monster. It lives in our house.

It moved in a long time ago. It must have been hiding in the walls
because we didn't notice him for the longest time. But it was there.
It's the funniest thing because I never really believed in monsters. I
thought they were the stuff of fairy tales. Imaginary beasts that people
made up to explain their fears. They weren't real though. Were they?

But now I know they are real. The thing about monsters is they're not
just big and scary and with sharp teeth. Bears are big and scary with
sharp teeth, but they're not monsters. The difference is that the
monster has a malevolent streak. It's not there because it wants to eat
your garbage; it's there because it means to do you harm.
Disney got it all wrong in Monsters Inc. Don't believe it. That's all
imaginary. Those kinds of cute cuddly monsters don't exist. Steven King
has it right.

The monster sometimes comes into our room at night and slithers
underneath the bed. Its hot breath comes right through the mattress. It
leaves me sweating, scared, unable to sleep. And then a chill settle's
in like the window was left open on a January night.

We've tried to kill it a dozen times. Sometimes it seems like we're
winning, but still it won't die. And even if we kill it, I have this
terrible feeling it will come back from the dead like just like in the
sequel to a bad horror movie.

It's a clever beast and follows us wherever we go. There's no escape. We
can never see it because it hides in the shadows, but it's always there
and has ways of making its presence known. We can't live a normal life.

When we got the dog, we thought maybe he would scare the monster away.
The dog is smart and brave, but somehow he doesn't see the monster. The
monster, though, is keeping its distance. But somehow I think it might
be smarter than the dog and just waiting for its moment.

Try to explain a monster to your friends. They can hear what we're
saying, but they don't quite believe us. We still have all of our body
parts, and none of us has quite gone insane. They've never seen the
monster even though they've been to the house. Still they get the sense
that something isn't quite right. Some of them keep their distance. Now
we just smile and say, "Oh the monster...he's gone back inside the wall.
We're doing fine."

Sometimes our monster doesn't seem so scary. On a sunny day, when the
kids run in the park laughing and playing, we forget that it's back
there waiting for us. You have to forget for a while, or it will get
inside your mind and drive you over the edge.

There are professionals who know how to deal with monsters. Ordinary
folks never meet them other than on a social basis. We feel better when
we're with the professionals. They seem to know what they're doing. But
at night when we are home alone, there is just us... and the monster.
The chill returns.

There's a monster. It lives in our house. It lives in our boy.

I love yard sales

We had a little yard sale this weekend. Elijah and I ran the biz on Friday, and Britt and Elijah ran it on Saturday. We didn't make a million or anything, but we were able to get rid of some stuff that was just taking up space. I actually bought a set of place mats (pier one, no less) at a yard sale a while back for a quarter each. They never made it in the house. I think they were in the garage for a year. I sold them at my yard sale. I bought a piece of garland at a yard sale last year because it was really pretty and a huge bargain. The people had a floral business and this was a 70 dollar piece of garland that I bought for $5. I never found a thing to do with it.. so it was sold. Funny how much of what I got rid of were originally purchased at someone elses sale. Elijah sold lemonade both days and made around $10. He has been saving and saving. He got a coin bank with a digital counter on it a while back. It knows how much money you put in there and keeps track of your balance. Elijah has been saving change for quite some time so he could buy Guitar Hero On Tour for his DS when it came out.. It was $49. Elijah saved $55 just from putting change in there that he found or that Nonna and Papa gave him. Ofcourse, some of the change he "found" was from Britt emptying his pockets at night, or from him looking in my purse for something else and then asking if he could keep the change he found in there.. But.. he managed to save it for something he really wanted. I think that's a great lesson for a kid and he will appreciate that game much more than any that we have just bought for him.
He is learning to ride his bike without training wheels. It's really a great thing to see the look on his face when he is riding without any help. I am getting the biggest kick out of watching Britt teach him too. Stuff like that makes me fall in love with my husband all over again. I watched a video last night of the two of them playing basketball when Elijah was three. It was wonderful.
Hannah is volunteering at a camp for spina bifida kids this week. She was scared to death, but ready for the challenge. I am so proud of her. I know she will be fabulous.
Time to get my day started, I suppose. My house is a mess. Elijah was supposed to go to Vacation Bible school this week - Hannah and I were supposed to help out too. With him having clinic, Hannah being at camp Aldersgate, and us being so out of touch with changes going on at church, I just didn't feel comfortable being there this week. I am really trying to not say yes to every single volunteer opportunity that presents itself. It's hard for me - but I commit to all this stuff and it just stresses me out instead of making me happy.
Okay.. enough whining.

Just a plain ole update

Things are good here in the Talley house. Elijah is safely back from camp and Hannah is home this week. Next week she will go to Aldersgate to be a camp counselor there for spina bifida camp. She is a bit nervous but I think she will do wonderfully.
I think I am about to go full time at the hospital. I will be working some crazy hours, but honestly that's what I need to work right now so I can still be home with Elijah during the week. I may possibly be working a 16 hour shift on Sundays starting the second week in July. Yipes! It will be good to be full time though. I will get more for tuition reimbursement and get more benefits - which is always a good thing!
I am going to have a yard sale on Friday. The kids really want a pool membership so we are going to try to get rid of some stuff to pay for it rather than take it out of the already struggling budget. So far so good - we have $25 to go towards the membership!
I have my two books to start studying for the to CLEP tests I plan to take. I just need to have some spare time to start reading. It just seems like there is so much going on right now. I really want to get these tests done so I can take Anatomy and Physiology in the Fall. Thats my main goal as far as school goes. I want to take A&P so I can apply to nursing school in January and have that out of the way.
We are hosting another lemonade stand in a few weeks! We are super excited about this one. We won't have the tv appearances and such that we did with the other - but we have already made quite a bit on t-shirt sales!
So.. we have that going on, normal summer stuff for the kids, Hannah gets her braces off in two weeks, Gallery of Hope is coming up in the Fall so we are busy with planning that, Elijah and Hannah and camp activities, Britt taking his tests, me trying to do school stuff, both of us working full time - AND the house. Now that Riverfest and the first lemonade stand are over, it has quieted down some though.
Last week when Elijah was at camp, Britt and I had the opportunity to spend some time alone. It was good for us, I think. We don't really get much alone time anymore. It just reminded me how much I really enjoy his company.
Guess I will end this now.. I wanted to write something really deep about something, but I am too tired.. ha!

Riverfest

I had great intentions of getting a few entries in last week, but didn't have time between work, getting stuff ready for camp, kid stuff, doctors appointments, and my daily required lazy time. ha ha! Seriously, I just haven't felt much like writing lately, or reading too much either. It's crazy. I love to read books and generally always have one or two that I am working on, but right now I just don't feel like reading. I think I have so much going on in my head that I know I can't fit much more in there right now.
Riverfest was fantastic this year. I got to hear Huey Lewis sing a couple of songs - and it was fabulous! In all the years we have been doing the festival, we rarely get to hear any of the bands perform. Next year I am going to make it a mission to watch a few songs from at least three artists. This year I heard Huey Lewis and Chaka Khan. very cool. In the years past, Elijah has always hated Riverfest. I think it's because Britt and I are always working, he wants to be there with us, but we send him with Britt's parents. They have been great to bring him out there each year, but he generally gets upset and wants to stay. Last year was even more dificult because we had just found out the week before that his cancer had returned. He was in a great deal of pain and on a LOT of pain medication. This year Elijah felt really good. My BFF John was super uncle and took him down to the kids zone area and he got to make sand art and eat a funnel cake.. He had a blast!! He loved it! One of my other goals for next year is to find a way that we can include Elijah more and let him enjoy more of the festival. I think he doesn't like it because he doesn't get to do much of the cool stuff that we have going on.. So next year, scheduled Elijah time for festival is going to be on the top of the list. I also think he may stay with us some next year too.
It's a lot of hard work to pull off a festival of this magnitude. It's all run by volunteer power and to be the one to help coordinate all the volunteers throughout the weekend is just an amazing opportunity for me. I love seeing the improvements to the downtown area take shape that the festival has contributed to. It's really a great feeling to know that we are doing something to give back to the community that we love so much. Now if we could just do something about our schools......
Elijah is at camp quality this week. It's his first year to go. I am sure he is having a fantastic time, but I must admit that I am a bit lonely without him. Today is an oddity for me. I am home by myself all day. This never happens. I am not sure what to do with myself. I have tons of cleaning to do so I guess I will occupy myself that way. I would like to go get my hair cut.. hmmmmmm Maybe I will just nap.

So Much To Tell...

I have many stories to tell, but not time to put them all down, so I will just give a brief rundown.
This past weekend was Riverfest. Britt and I are on the committee so we were busy from Thursday morning until MOnday morning at the festival. It was great fun. It's alway neat to see something so huge run so well. Riverfest will be my blog topic tomorrow (or the next time I blog)
I was able to sit down and visit with a homeless woman while we were working at Riverfest. Of all the years I have been working the festival, I have always come in contact with many homeless folks. This was the first time I felt compelled to visit (I mean really visit) with any of them. I really felt a connection with her and would love to share her story. Terri's story will come later this week as well.
I have baby birds living in my garage. Not sure how many there are, but they are just now learning to fly. Elijah has really enjoyed watching these babies grow. It makes me glad that I didn't move the nest out right after we found it. We just have to duck sometimes when we go out there!! At one point, a few of the birds fell out of the nest. Zach had to pick them up and put them back in there.
Duchess got out the other day and took off up the street in the rain. She came back, but not after Eli got good and upset. It was storming and she is petrified of storms. He wasn't so much worried that she wouldn't come back, but that she was really scared because of the thunder. Sweet boy.
I am going through all of this "I wish we could start from scratch" phase, I guess. I think it has something to do with my friend Susan moving away (:( I miss you!). I wish we could just sell this house, move to something smaller, get rid of both of our cars, and live more simply - but we are too far in the hole with all of it. yuck. If our house had a working AC upstairs, I think we could patch the rest of the stuff up enough to sell it - but not with a repair that major.
I am going to fix the tv for Eli and chill for a bit. We have been running errands all day.
Peace

I need a new picture

I need to find a halfway decent picture of myself and put it on here, instead of the one that is on here. I don't know why I just thought of that. I just did. It's nearly 1am. I just got home from work and I am tired, but not ready to go to bed yet. I feel like I have really been working a lot lately. I had Monday off and I have Friday off. Thank goodness Friday is almost here.
A little girl really touched my heart at work tonight. They just found out today that she has diabetes. She is about 9. So sweet. I had to help hold her arm and keep her still while they started her iv. She had never been in a hospital before in her life and she was petrified. She was scared to death, but didn't move a bit and didn't make a sound. She was so good for everything. I wanted to hug her and tell her it would be okay. Her family had that overwhelmed look that I have seen so many times in newly diagnosed cancer families - a look that I remember us having. That look that tells you these people realize life will never be the same from this moment on.
I am doing okay. Working too much to work on my quiet reflection that I really want to work on. I have been in prayer a lot lately, which is good for me.
Mother's Day is coming up. I think that's a whole different blog topic though. I have been missing my mom something terrible over the past few months. I will blog on that maybe tomorrow. Now, I am going to bed.

Plans for the weekend

Work is going really well this weekend. I got to work with a doctor today that I really like. He had to suture this little boys thigh (big nasty cut) and I got to help. I like helping with stuff like that. It really makes me feel like I am doing something of value. That's important to me. I have been thinking a lot over the past few days. Just more about what kind of wife, mother, and friend I want to be. Trying to be a bit quieter and pay attention to everything going on around me.

Uh Oh!

I made a big mistake today! I thought I was doing really great, and added all my work shifts to the calendar on my gmail account. That way I could share it with Britt and keep up with extra shifts that I sign up for. I doubled checked them the other day and was so proud of myself for this small step in the long journey to organization. Today Britt called me and said there was a message from me on our home voice mail. (he gets email notifications) It was from work. They said it was after 12 and I was supposed to be there at 12. OH NO!!! I did not think I was supposed to work today! I thought I signed up for TOMORROW! They double checked the schedule and sure enough, I had it wrong! I got to work, but over an hour late. Thankfully John (my BFF) had taken a vacation day today. He abandoned his plans and came over to get Elijah so I could run to work. Elijah was really excited to get to spend the day with Uncle John. I felt confused and out of sorts for hours this afternoon! I guess just making such a mistake really threw me for a loop. They said it happens all the time, but still.

Enough, Already!

This week has not been such a great one for this family. We have had two deaths in the family and both were from cancer. One on Britt's side and one on my side. Britt's Uncle Ray passed away in the morning, and my cousin Michael passed away that night. I hate cancer. It just sucks.
Britt's Uncle was always telling silly stories and always the "life of the party" when we had family gatherings. He is Britt's mom's brother. She has been pretty shaken up about the loss, obviously.
My cousin Mike was diagnosed with a form of lymphoma a few months ago. They hit him pretty hard with treatment and his body just couldn't take it. It's devastating. He has the most beautiful little angel girl that is now without her daddy. My Aunt Murr, who is so dearly loved by all of us here in the Talley house, has lost her only child. My heart just aches for her. She is the most loving and kind person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and for her to have to suffer a loss like this is just unimaginable to me. I know it's always said that God has a reason for everything.. Cancer and suffering are things that I have such a hard time finding justification in. I don't know that I ever will understand. I still have my Faith and still believe in God's purpose for us all, but sometimes things like this are just hard for me to swallow.
I told Britt yesterday that we needed to start praying for and expecting good things to happen for our family. I started yesterday and today, the Lord answered. We felt God's favor today in a big way. I am praying this is the beginning of many great things to come. This has been a rough year. Things need to look up from here on out.

Is it really necessary?

I think I have mentioned before that we have been talking about the benefits of frugality and not spending money on things that are not necessary. With that having been said, I think we are going to really give it a shot. We have elected to not dine out anymore. Dining out sucks up a major portion of our income. Sad thing is, we don't normally dine out because of pleasure, we dine out because of lack of planning. I go through spurts where I am really good about planning out a menu for a week, then doing my shopping accordingly. I have been out of that habit for quite some time now and it's time to get back in to. Britt has been listening to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace seminar over the past several days. We have both listened to the whole course before and find it inspiring. Now we just need to implement his plan. So... rather than say we aren't going to spend any money on things that are not absolutely needed, we are going to start out with the big one. No more eating out for the Talley Family until further notice! We will be sticking by our menu and working on a budget for the rest of our expenses. I will be sure and keep you posted of our progress.. Our plan is to get caught up and then build up savings so we can take trips with our family and enjoy them knowing that our bills are paid and we aren't blowing money.

A plan... for now anyway.

So after a lot of thought and Britt and I talking it over and weighing all the options, I have decided what to do about my returning to school. I am going to go to a local community college in the Fall and knock out the rest of my pre-requisites. I only lack 6 classes to have all of those taken care of so I will get those done in two semesters at the community college at a much lower cost than the same classes at UALR. I will apply to nursing school in the Spring of next year. That is my plan for TODAY anyway.. I have mulled this over, stressed about it, prayed about it, gotten angry about it.. and now I have decided to be at peace about it. :) Most of the classes I took at UCA when I first went to college were for an English or Business degree and do me very little good towards a degree in nursing. World History I and II are of no use.. Neither is German. Oh well. Now most of what I have to take are science classes so the two semesters at the community college will be rough ones. I will have to take Chemistry and Anatomy and Physiology in the same semester.. Yuck. I do think I am a much better learner than I was the first go round in college though. My last semester at UALR I did really well.. I am hoping to repeat that performance and maintain a good GPA at the community college.
I have been thinking about all the things I want to be sure Elijah has the opportunity to do. Silly little things like ride in a convertable or ride on a motorcycle. He wants to see Mt. Rushmore too so a road trip may be in order! ha ha. It's crazy the way the mind of a cancer mom works - or at least mine anyway. I just spent the last couple of years worrying about what could happen to him and it seems as though we have forgotten to live and enjoy life. I want to start doing that. I want Elijah to experience everything he can. It's sad for me to say "just in case" because I really don't want to think that way.. But I would rather we let him LIVE and really enjoy life, than to regret later on that we spent too much time waiting for his life to end. That would truly be the tragedy, in my opinion.. I wish I had this foresight with the other kids. I thought about it yesterday. A girl at work is getting ready to have a baby. She was being told about how her baby is going to want to be held all the time because she holds her tummy all the time. She just smiled and said "That's okay!". It nearly made me cry. I told her to rock that baby, love that baby, and hold her as much as she could. Cherish every single minute. It's kind of cheesy to quote the song "live like you were dying", but I think it's true. I am tired of waiting for the stars to align, the budget to work out, and the timing to be right. I want to live, enjoy life, and have Elijah experience everything he wants to experience - in his long healthy life. :)

Much Better, Thank You.

I can't begin to write how much better I finally feel. I am coughing very little. My eye is perfectly fine now. Other than being tired, I can honestly say that I don't have any aches or pains at this moment! Yay!!! I am at work and shouldn't be blogging, but it's quite slow and I have already cleaned everything up here that I can clean.
Last night I did a little "Dawn Care". I did a mud mask and I filed and painted my fingernails. My little stubby nails are all pink now. :) it's not much, but its enough to make me feel a little better about myself.
I am going to make my best effort to start journaling my food starting today. My eating is completely out of control. So.. Journaling starting now. Britt worked really hard and made me a little journal sheet to make things easier for me. I just need to use them.
I guess I should go back to work and do something useful. Either that or look up some menu ideas for supper for next week.
Peace

Just Call Me Peggy Ann McKay

One of my favorite poems by Shel Silverstein is called Sick.

Sick
by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"


I feel like Little Peggy Ann McKay only I don't feel like going out to play.

I started out with a sore throat. Then came the cough. Nice. Keep in mind I am still wearing the boot. The cough and sore throat got worse so I went to my new doctor who told me it was most likely something viral and I was going to have to just let it run its course. I go to work on Sunday and one of the doctors in the ER just writes me a prescription and tells me I have pink eye. Okay, now I feel like QuasiMoto. I have the cough, the sore throat, the boot, and now the nasty pink eye. My husband won't come near me for fear he would catch just ONE of my ills. Jeesh. I feel like climbing to the top of the bell tower and screaming "SANCTUARY!!"

Today I woke up feeling a bit better. My eye looks lots better and the cough seems to be weakening. I am resting, cleaning house a bit, and hanging out with Elijah. It's a rainy day here.. a good day for doing nothing much at all.

Being stupid is NOT an excuse

We had several patients today. It was pretty busy. One case in particular really made me angry. 3 week old baby - lovely baby. parent not only didn't strap the baby in the car seat, but didn't strap the carseat in to the car. They had a wreck. This little innocent baby had multiple broken bones but will thankfully be okay - this time.
I was angry about this for a good part of the day. One of the nurses commented that cases like that make her want to be a foster parent. Cases like that just piss me off. Britt and I are good and responsible parents - we have to fight for our child's life and not because of anything we did. The staff at the hospital is fighting for this babies life because of something so stupid and careless that this mother did (or did not do in this case). Ugh.
If my life wasn't so chaotic, I would want to be a foster parent for little ones. Not big ones with major issues - just little ones that need someone to care for them and love them for a while.

Boot

I have to say that I am not as big a fan of my boot as my friend Susan. My foot does feel much better, but the boot is a pain! My boot goes all the way up to my knee and is on my right foot, which makes driving with it a bit of a challenge, not to mention unsafe. Oh well. Three weeks isn't long.
I went to the grocery today. I bought healthy snacks that I like to eat. Yogurt, string cheese, v8. Stuff to hopefully keep me from snacking on what I don't need to be eating. :)
I was reading an article today about these people who decided to take a whole year and not buy anything that they didn't truly need. I wonder how hard that would be in such a superficial society. Spend money on NOTHING other than what you need. No movies, no dining out, no extras around the house. Interesting concept though. I think this would be where what is truly defined as a need would come in to play. I need cable and internet and I NEED my cell phone.. hmmmm.. What could I do without?

Foot

My Boot
I went to the foot doctor today. I have been having trouble with heel and ankle pain. Come to find out, I have heel spurs and achilles tendonitis. Not fun. She gave me cortisone injections in my ankle and put me in a boot! This thing is crazy!! It's like "Air Boot".. Remember the Air Jordans that you used to get that had the pump in them? This boot has one of those! Anyway.. I have been wearing it since I left her office. Honestly, my heel hurts in the boot too. I will give it some time. I didn't expect a miracle or anything. She said to rest it, so rest it I will.
Tomorrow I go to the regular doctor. It's a new doctor. I am tired of feeling like garbage the majority of the time. I know that diet and exercise play a big part in that, but I really have to get to a point where I can do that.. and get some assistance. I am not just "slightly" overweight - I am very very overweight. I have a good 80 pounds to lose. I have headaches nearly every day (not the severity of last weeks, thank God) and it really makes things difficult. I have taken so much ibuprofen that I am sure I have messed up my stomach. Today in Target I just got a horrible hot flash and then my stomach started to hurt. What the heck??? I took pepcid complete, but it didn't help. I am thinking I might need to get some aloe vera juice and add that to my diet. It helped my stomach before when I had an ulcer. So.. that's whats going on with me on this day.. Tomorrow I am certain it will be something totally different. And I wonder why my sister thinks it's funny that I have a Life Is Good sticker on my car... ha ha ha

Home

I made it through my work day okay today. I am glad to be home though. Work went well. It was busy in the ER. Today was Easter and a good majority of the kids that came in were all dressed in their Easter duds. On one hand I was sad because I didn't get to spend Easter Sunday with my kids, but on the other hand it was okay. I got to see Elijah color eggs yesterday and do the Easter egg hunt at the park. We wouldn't have gone to Church anyway since there would have been too many people there. I wonder how much longer Elijah will believe in things like the Easter bunny, tooth Fairy, and Santa. I often stop and think of how lucky we are to have Elijah with us for another Easter. It makes me want to make every single holiday special for him (and for us). I honestly think that's where cancer has been a blessing to our family. Yes, that sounds strange, but it's true. Elijah having cancer has made us face just what a truly precious gift this child is and has made us want to enjoy everything with him. Things we would have probably just taken for granted had we not been smacked in the face with the possibilty of losing him - more than once. That's it.. That's my little rant for this evening. Nothing new. Just being appreciative of having another Easter Sunday to spend with my little boy.

Aches and Pains

I ended up in the ER yesterday afternoon with what I think was a migraine. It lasted for nearly 31 hours. With this lovely headache came vomitting, dizziness, and just feeling like garbage. To top all of it off, I couldn't keep anything down so they couldn't get an iv started because of dehydration. It took six different times to try and get the iv started. I felt like a pin cushion. I was thankful when they did get it started though. They gave me some pain medicine and some fluids and I started to feel better.
John kept joking that the personal trainer had done this to me and he can't believe I ended up in the ER just from exercising.. ha! I seriously doubt this had anything to do with the trainer or with exercising! More likely the lack of exercising!!
American Idol is in full swing and yes, I am a fan and we watch it without fail. I heard on the news the other day that Simon, one of the judges, recently paid off someones mortgage because they had a young child diagnosed with cancer and he just wanted to make things a bit easier on the family.. Wow! What an amazing gesture! I wish I knew how to get on the list to have that done!! You know, some famous person pay off our mortgage. Maybe there should be an organization where famous people can sign up to help a family like that. Wouldn't that be nice..
My headache is better now. I feel like I am operating at about 70% capacity. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel about 80% and can go back to work.

I think I will die now...

Just got back from the gym. The trainer tried to kill us - but was very nice about it. We started out with 10 minutes on the recumbant bike to warm up, then we moved in to the circuit training room. This is where the torture began. We worked our way through 12 power circuit machines - doing twenty reps on each machine with 30 seconds of high stepping on an aerobic step in between each machine. My arms feel like jello and my legs feel like spaghetti. I am most definitely going to be very sore tomorrow. It hurt, but it was good to be doing something. He wants us to go four times each week, so we will have to figure out how we can do that. Britt and I need to schedule it and stick to it or we won't go as much as we are supposed to. After our work out session, our trainer took us in to a little room where he weighed us and did our body fat analysis. We also got the lecture on drinking water. MUST DRINK WATER.. 80 ounces per day minimum. Well, my arms are shaking, so I need to go. I imagine I don't smell to great either.

Trainer

Britt and I have made an appointment to meet with the trainer at our gym tomorrow. We have been members of the gym for a long (LONG) time and have only been a handful of times. When we meet with him tomorrow, he will weigh us, check our body fat, and put us on the program. We have to write down everything we eat for three days - then they will tell us what we are doing wrong and what we need to do right. If I remember correctly, they don't really put you on a diet, they cut out everything carbonated, increase protein, and tell you no sugar, nothing fried. Anyway.. I am anxious to get started. Britt and I doing it together will really be a good thing, I think. He will help me to stay on track. I am thinking it might be best if we schedule our time to go to the gym - and not waiver from it, rather than just go spur of the moment or "try to make time".. That never works for us. After tomorrow, I think we will do that - say okay, we go to the gym on this day this day and this day at this specific time - and schedule other things around that as much as possible. I have already lined John out to come and sit with Elijah while Britt and I go tomorrow. Maybe we could set him and Elijah up on a weekly date or something - Elijah would love that and it would be one for sure night that Britt and I have scheduled. hmmmm...

Concert

We went to see the Newsboys tonight. Our neighbor across the street works for the Christian radio station that we listen to (K-Love) and he gave us tickets.. It was FANTASTIC! I missed the opening bands because I didn't get off work until 8, but made it there just in time to see Newsboys. I almost didn't go because I was tired - I really am glad that i did. I have never been one for the whole altar call or "being saved" religious experience.. but I do have to say that events like tonight make me miss being more in tune with my Faith. I go through periods like that though - where I feel really strong and then I start to slack. I am happier when I live my life in a more Faith driven manner - if that makes sense. As we were leaving the concert, Elijah said "now THAT was a concert!!".. He really enjoyed it too.
I think I would sleep really well if it weren't for the ringing in my ears!! Glad the boys wore ear plugs!

Tomorrow

I go back to work tomorrow. Earlier this evening Britt asked me if I felt like I had a big enough break. No. I don't feel like I did. Does anyone ever though? Weekends are never long enough. Right now I don't feel like there is a weekend. When I am at work, Britt is home and when I am home, Britt is at work. I don't think he and i have spent any real time together in forever. I guess I am ready to go back to work though. I like my job. I still have tons of stuff to do around the house and I hate (I mean HATE) having to send Elijah away every week so I can work - even if it is just one night. I know he will be home on Friday, but still.. I miss him when he isn't here. I know the inlaws enjoy time with him too though. Selfish me, huh?
I filled out a federal student financial aid thing on line the other day. Pretty much the only thing I qualify for are student loans. I hate to incur more debt, but I really want to go back to school and since I will have to pay for it myself anyway - a student loan may be the way to go for me. It's just two years of school - Britt did a year and a half while we were in Fayetteville and it went by pretty quickly. This should too. I think it will be a challenge though.. to work full time and go to school full time.
Anyway.. must finish packing for Eli.

Me? School?

My friend Summer brought up an interesting subject in her message regarding my last posting. Have I ever thought about going to nursing school? The answer to that question is a very loud, booming, vibrant, YES. I have thought about it quite a bit. Back when I was quite a bit younger, I applied for and was accepted to Baptist School of Nursing. I chickened out. My grandmother had me convinced that I wasn't cut out for nursing and that I wouldn't stick with it, I was scared that I couldn't pass the science classes, and my (at that time) husband wasn't too excited about me going to school in Little Rock. So.. I was talked out of by all three of us. I opted to stay close to home and take classes I was fairly comfortable with at UCA. I never finished.
I went back to college for the first time last year. I took two classes because I was scared to death to do anything more than that. I just didn't know if I had what it took to go to school anymore. After a bit, I learned that I loved being in school. I really enjoyed learning and being back in that environment. I took Comp II (a writing class) and Psychology. I made A's in both classes and was ready to take two more classes the following semester. My plan was this.. take two classes at a time until you have all the prerequisites taken care of.. Then apply to nursing school.. Then Elijah relapsed.
I went to work in the NICU for a little bit just before his transplant. While I was working there, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to go to nursing school anymore. I was very uncomfortable with the fragility of the babies in there. It made me think "do I think I could emotionally handle having someone elses life in my hands like that?" My answer was that I didn't think I could.
Well, we went in for Elijah's transplant and I became, once again, more comfortable with what was going on. My desire to go to nursing school once again rearing its head. My husband is now thinking, more than ever, that I am so wishy washy and wont ever be able to make up my mind about what I want to do.
Now that I am working in the ER, I want to go back to school more than ever.. and am convinced that nursing is what I want to do.
Now I just have to figure out how to make it happen.

Exhausted

I am done with my work week and I must say that I am exhausted. I keep meaning to wear my pedometer to work so I can see just how many steps I take now that I am working and on my feet a good portion of the day.
Elijah has had the flu much of this week. I have HATED being away from him while he has been sick. I am just used to being the one that takes care of him when he doesn't feel well. I am selfish that way, I guess. It's hard to convince a mom that anyone else can do as good of a job as she can when it comes to taking care of her kiddo.
I have to remind myself when I am at work that I AM NOT A NURSE. It's irritating me, to tell the truth. There are so many times that I want to open my mouth - but I don't.. And times that I have opened my mouth that I wish I hadn't. It's just that I want the oncology kids to be taken care of the way I would want Eli taken care of - and some of the nurses just don't get it. They were going to catheterize a little one yesterday - and that's something you just don't do with oncology kids unless it's absolutely necessary and it wasn't with this one - so I spoke up.. You don't cath those kids and you don't do rectal temps. Plain and simple. but then I have to remind myself that I am an employee and a secretary.. I feel like I am probably overstepping my bounds and to do that only after 4 weeks of working there is a bit on the arrogant side.. I am frustrated with that aspect - but loving my job just the same. I like the excitement down there and the fact that there are always things going on.. there aren't constant trauma's like you see on ER or anything - but it's crazy busy just the same. I see a lot of God working in there too.. Just yesterday a girl would have died if it weren't for the fact that the nurse (who I really like) just for some reason took a notion to go in there for a second - realized that her heart rate had plummeted and took immediate action.. That's God at work right there.. He sent her in there for a reason. I love stuff like that.
I am comfortable in that environment.. I feel like I fit there. Who would have thought.
Tomorrow I rest and clean my room. I am hoping to get to work on Elijah's room tomorrow too. Britt did an awesome job taking care of stuff around here this weekend while I worked - kept the dishes done and had dinner waiting for me both nights.. What a man! I have to say that I do miss him though.. he works so hard during the week and then I work all weekend.
I must sleep before I start to ramble about things that are even more meaningless than what I have already been going on about..
Prayers: continued healing in Elijah, for Hannah to be the strong girl I know she is, for Britt and I to get some time together, for motivation to take care of myself, and for a good night of sleep.