Happy New Year!

I didn't get to walk today. I will make sure I walk tomorrow. I ordered a pedometer so I can keep up with how much I walk and track improvement. I doubt I will be able to be as dedicated with my walking and tracking as my friend Susan is with her running, but at least I will have a tool to help me.
I have to say I had a great new years eve tonight. Spending New Years at home with my husband and my best friends is my idea of a pretty good way to celebrate. I wanted to get a picture of me and Susan, but didn't get the chance. I go over to other peoples homes and see pictures of them and their friends doing various things and I don't have pictures up like that so that's one of my goals for 2008. Live more and have photographic evidence! So.. Susan.. keep that in mind when we plan our travels for this upcoming year!!!
Tomorrow begins the process of Britt saying "D, Christmas is over.. don't you think you should take the tree down?" I love Christmas decorations, but I know they need to come down soon. I guess January 2nd will be my day to take down Christmas stuff. yuck.

Silly Me

Okay.. I did something totally out of character for me this evening. We went to dinner at a new restaurant in town.. Famous Daves. I got a salad - and it was okay. It is a bit expensive for a bbq joint though. Anyway.. After we ate, we were going to make a trip to Kroger to get pizza fixings for a little New Years Eve pizza get together tomorrow night. I decided that I would walk to Kroger.. It's not far, really - but definitely in a different a parking lot. After we finished our shopping at Kroger, I asked Britt if he would mind if I started walking home while he checked out with the groceries.. I didn't get far, but I did manage to get out of the parking lot and up the hill before he picked me up. When we got home I helped Britt unload the groceries, grabbed my iPod, and headed back out. I managed to get in a good 25 minutes today - with a hill included! I know it may not sound like much, but it's day two of walking for me.. lots more than I have done in a long time and it feels like a great start. It feels good to be doing something. Tomorrow I will be cleaning house but if the weather is nice, I am going to put on my shoes and do 30 minutes around the track..
Happy New Year!

Walking

I finally got off my rear and went for a walk. I walked for 30 minutes today. We have a track right across the street from our house and it's wonderful for walking. The only problem with it is that it's not lit and it's tucked in the woods a bit so I don't feel comfortable walking over there when I don't have daylight. That is limiting.
I LOVE my new ipod. I have wanted to learn Spanish for a while now so I downloaded a spanish lesson podcast! Each lesson is about 15 minutes in length so I listened to two of them while on my walk. I am glad I was on the track by myself because I must have looked like an idiot walking around the track repeating elementary spanish words to myself!! ha!

Ready, Set, Go.

Okay.. tomorrow I am going to sit down and make out my menu for the next two weeks. Weight Watchers Style! Britt and I were listing all the things we want to work on for the upcoming year and it's all so overwhelming! I think our health and finances are so important though and need to be made priority.
I think I am about to be looking for a job that will allow me to work the bulk of my hours in three days and preferably on weekends. Elijah is getting ready to start radiation soon and still wont be able to attend school for quite some time. I would like to go back to my job at UAMS but I don't see how it's possible without hiring a full time nanny - which is DEFINITELY not in the budget nor is it something I would ever want to do.
I am ready for January 1st to be here, truthfully.

Wonderful Holiday

I have to say that I think this is one of the best ever. I got everything that I asked for this year.. I wanted nail polish, a sleep mask, an iPod, and some perfume.. got every bit of it! I feel so spoiled! My sister was here, we had a great meal, we spent time with friends and family and it was just wonderful. Santa brought the kids a Wii so they have had a great time playing with that. Hannah is getting ready to go to Dallas for a few days to spend some time with my sister. My sister will be back next week so it will be good to see her again.
Weight Watchers will start back day after tomorrow. Tomorrow I will shop and get a few things to get back on the wagon. I need to be walking too. The weather has been perfect for it. I just am not a morning person and by the time Britt gets home. it's dark out. Excuses, excuses. I need to do something.
I am so glad we have good water to drink here in Central Arkansas. We went to visit my sister and her water was gross in Dallas. The water and the ice both. Yuck. I think we take things like that for granted.
I will be searching for good podcasts to listen to on my new iPod. :)
Much Love, Many Blessings, and great things to come...

I can still see the wagon!

I am off the wagon for a brief time, but I am not letting it get too far ahead of me. :) I knew that once the Holidays were here, I would take a break from WW, enjoy Holiday meals with family, and then get back on WW as soon as Christmas is over. I am just hoping that I won't gain back everything that I lost the first week. If I did - it's okay too. Most people gain between 7 and 15 pounds during the Holidays. If I can come out of the Holiday season the same as when I first started WW, I will still feel slightly ahead of the game. People keep saying that I am crazy to do this during the Holidays, but I know if I hadn't, my eating would have been out of control and I would end up weighing more by my 38th birthday than I ever have in my life. Not zesty at all.
Our 9th anniversary is coming up on February 4th. I think for the first time ever, Britt and I are going to try to get away for our anniversary. My former boss has a lake house in Hot Springs that he lets us use so I think we might try to go down there for the weekend - just the two of us. We probably won't know how to act, it's been so long since we have gone away alone! We will probably do crazy stuff like watch stuff on tv other than Disney Channel and prepare meals that aren't kid friendly.. Talk about adventure!

Dread

I will just say that I am dreading the weigh in this week! We have been in Dallas all weekend for my sisters graduation from UNT. We had a couple of family dinners that were arranged and paid for by others, so we didn't have much say so in the food selection! Britt and I decided that we would just make the best choices we could with the menus provided.. The first dinner was a barbecue restaurant and the second was a mexican restaurant!!! oh, this was hard! We were so tempted to just eat what we wanted all weekend, but we were smart.. I really think we made the best possible choices and tried to be careful of portion sizes. We avoided desserts and snacking for the most part. Still, I really feel like I overdid it. The water in Dallas is gross so I didn't drink much water - even the ice tastes funny to me.
We are nearly done with Christmas shopping, thank goodness. I say year after year "next year, I am going to save money and get this done early" but it never works out that way. Maybe this will be the year that it actually happens. I would love to have a bunch of money stashed away and then just order everything online.. ha!

Party #1

As far as food goes, I did really well at our first holiday gathering. We had fajitas and I had two with no cheese and that was it.. I also had a few chips and salsa.. the drinks are what is going to hurt me, I am sure. I had three coctails. They were small, mind you.. but coctails none the less. The upside is I had used very few points throughout the day so I am sure I will be okay. I have looked at the two restaurants that my sister wants to eat at while we are in Dallas and have come up with what I think I will chose - to avoid making a hasty decision and ordering something fried and smothered with cheese!! ha!

Drumroll Please...

Six and a half pounds!!! That's right.. I lost six and a half pounds!!! I was so stoked! Normally I would have celebrated by eating - but not this time. I immediately started plotting how much I plan to lose next week, came home, and started making a weight watchers recipe for supper and had a snack. I feel positive about how well I have done on the program this week and plan to keep it up next week. This weekend will be a challenge since we will be in Dallas and have to dine out twice. At least I will have Britt with me to help keep me in line!! Next week I hope to have lost at least two pounds..

Sunday...

Tomorrow is day 6 and it's still going really well! I can't tell you how much it has helped me to stay motivated having Britt do this with me. If I sound like a broken record, I apologize. He has just been so great. He will lose the weight he wants to lose long before I lose all of mine, but I know he will continue to support me and eat wisely. We are both getting way too close to 40 to backtrack now. We would love to lead active, healthy lives.
Elijah said something to me yesterday that once again - has stuck with me. I was coming down the stairs and he was sitting on the couch with his back to me. He said "hi mom" without turning around and then asked if I knew how he could tell it was me. I said "how?" - he told me he could tell because i was the only one in the family whose knees crackle when I walk up and down the stairs.. OUCH! It's true though.. my knees are awful and I know they would be in such better condition if I could lose this weight.
The weekend is over. Britt will go back to work tomorrow.. We did a bit of Christmas shopping this weekend but are really trying not to overdo it this year. We have a little tree in the dining room that we put ornaments on that the kids made and Eli's nativity ornaments that he got from his chemo angel last year. We will put a real tree downstairs soon but i think we might look in to a prelit tree after Christmas for next years use.
Friday we will be traveling to Dallas for my sisters graduation. We are just going for one night and then coming back on Saturday right after graduation. I think it will be good to get away, even if just for one night. Elijah was going to stay with Britt's mom and dad, but he is still on tpn so we will take him with us. He will have fun..
Tuesday is my weigh in - I plan to be a loser!!! ha ha

Still Going

Today is day 4 of WW. I really thought I had blown it last night. We decided to take Hannah to Cracker Barrel for her Birthday. We all ordered breakfast. I thought I had really done it, but when we got home and i looked everything up, I was okay! I had to use a few flex points for the week, but still have some left over; not a lot, but still a few! I have done the big no no and have weighed myself a couple of times this week. I really should have just waited until the meeting on Tuesday - BUT, the scale says that I am losing so it's motivation to keep it up. I will leave the final judgement for this weeks weight loss up to the Weight Watchers scale on Tuesday.
As if we didn't have enough going on, Hannah's father decided to seperate from his wife - on Hannah's birthday of all days. Needless to say, she is upset and her birthday ruined. I thought it was rather selfish of them to do it today - they have been married for several years, what would one more day hurt? It is sad though. I am thankful that I have a good marriage for her to have as an example of what stable married life is.

Day 2

Still going strong! Today was a great day. I stayed within my alloted points and discovered that one of my favorite snacks (1/2 pita with hummus) is only 2pts! woo hoo!! It's the small victories, right? I am so thankful that Britt is doing this with me. It makes it so much easier for me to stay on track. AND.. he made the best chicken salad yesterday! It was great and a WW recipe. Now I need to get some exercise going. I need to start getting up before Elijah and doing something in the living room.
I have started teaching Elijah at home and I am really enjoying it. I don't think I would enjoy teaching other people's children, but I love the fact that he is learning things from me. I like the cirriculum we are using too. He seems to be challenged by most of it - which is good.
Next week is a week of testing for him so my nerves will be a mess - moreso than they already are.. YIPES! I am trying to really put it in God's hands and trust that He will provide me with the reassurance that I need that Elijah will be okay.
I miss going to church right now with it being so close to the Holidays. It's sad that we can't go to church. I want for Elijah to know more about Jesus and to have a stronger sense of assurance.
Ah.. the crazy thoughts that run through my head. The thoughts that keep me up at night.. The thank you cards that need to be sent, the housework that needs to be done, what to fix for supper, gifts that need to be purchased, we still need to get Christmas decorations put up, Hannah is going to be 15 Saturday (man, I feel old), other kids fighting cancer, Elijah's battle, Elijah's school work, did I ask Britt to make my car payment?, do I think anyone would be offended if I used plastic plates at Christmas dinner?, It's insane - the things that keep me up at night. Maybe since I put a few of them down on here, I will be able to get to sleep tonight - it's already past midnight..
sigh
maybe I will write a few more thank you notes..

Day One

It's gone well today. I have stayed within my points and have been very good today. I really need to get busy planning some meals or I will fall off the wagon in a hurry. That's where my problems are - planning. YUCK. Organization is NOT one of my strong suits. I am thinking that Holiday eating is going to be a problem - but only on a few different occasions. My plan is to enjoy the events, but not overeat - which is what I normally do - and then to exercise to offset what bad I do.

I did it

I went to my first meeting. I was not shocked to see my weight, but I was not pleased either. It's as good a place to start as any, I guess! I deserve to be healthy and feel well and my family deserves to have a wife/mom that feels good too. Elijah saw my thinspiration photo and said he would like for me to look like that again.. yeah, me too kiddo!!! So.. in the morning the journey begins.
The picture above was taken about 10 years ago by my friend John after a hike around pinnacle mountain. It serves as a reminder that not only was I thin, but I was fit and physically active. If I was, I can be again.

today

Today is the day. I am going to my first WW meeting at 6pm tonight. I am excited and nervous. I don't know why I am nervous, but I am. Susan, thanks for sending me Tory's website. I thank you for your continuous motivation and support. Britt said something to me the other day that has really stuck with me.. We were talking about the signs that Chasen made for Susan for the marathon and how funny they were. Britt made reference to "when HE makes signs like that" - and I added, "yeah, for when I run in a race.. ha ha ha".. Britt said - "hey.. it could happen. Look at how much Susan has accomplished".. It stuck. Don't get me wrong.. I am not talking about training for marathons- ha ha ha

Record Breaker

Is there a world record for just how many times a person can join Weight Watchers? If not, I think I am about to be the record holder. Yep. I am going to take the plunge and join once more. Britt agreed to do the program with me, which will help keep me on track. My friend John is going to print out a skinny picture of me for me to put on the fridge for "thinspiration", and I am going to work on a meal plan for the week this evening. Tomorrow I will go to my first meeting and weigh in. So.. I am back to trying to come up with some goals for myself. Why the decision to do this?? I had to buy jeans last night. It was a frightening experience.
Goals for this week: join WW; come up with a menu; walk for 30 minutes at least three times.

Life as I know it

Not much to write about on here that I haven't written about on Elijah's website. What is going on with him is pretty much what I have been doing. I did have a huge weight lifted last week though. My catastrophic leave through my empoloyer was extended through January 8th which means I will be able to keep taking care of Elijah until then.. After that point, I will have to return to work in some capacity. I am praying that he is to a point in treatment where I will feel comfortable going back to work. I think I need to be working. I need to have something to think about and talk about other than what is going on with Elijah.
I have been looking at things on line to continue fixing up our house. I am really excited about Christmas this year. I would love to be able to have our home feel warm and full of holiday spirit. I want this to be a Christmas full of meaning, not just presents.
Thanksgiving has never been much of an important day to me. I think it's because so much of what the Holiday is all about has been lost. It has become more of a family obligation than a reason to give thanks for your blessings. I think we should all give thanks every day - not just one day a year. Now that one day a year just seems to be a hassle.. I wasn't really bothered by the fact that we would be in the hospital for Thanksgiving until yesterday. My in laws were down yesterday and my Father in Law said they would like to come down here and eat Thanksgiving dinner with us in the hospital because so we could all be together. It really touched my heart and made me look at Thanksgiving in a bit of a different light. It's a blessing just to get to be together and share family time. I need to look at it that way instead of an obligation. I am very lucky to be part of the family I married in to. So.. this Thursday I will be giving thanks for many things.. For Elijah's healing, for my family, for being able to be on leave to take care of Elijah, for Britt, and for good things to come for our family.

sounds

It's strange how you get used to the night sounds of a hospital room. The helicopter coming and going, the subtle clicks of his iv pumps gently gliding medication in to his body, the clock ticking, doors opening and closing, and the frequent middle of the night calls of "mom, I really need to pee".
I left the hospital for about an hour this evening to run a couple of errands. I could still hear his iv pump beeping in my head while I was gone.
I felt rested today. I probably slept better last night than I have all week. Probably from being worn out. I never sleep well the first night at the hospital.
Elijah is doing really well. He got sick this evening and we had to give him phenergan and ativan. He is sleeping like a rock now. I doubt he will even move.
My dear friend Susan put together the COOLEST scrap book for him of all the people she organized to run in his honor. He really thought it was cool. I have been sharing it with all of our visitors.. Running friends, we are so honored by YOU.. Susan - I love you. You are the best. It's a great feeling to have your child honored in such a tremendous way by someone you admire so much. I wish we were going to be there to see the St. Jude Marathon, but even if we are out of the hospital, Elijah most likely wont be well enough to travel that far. I am sure we will see lots of awesome pictures.
I got to hold the sweetest baby girl today. She is 19 months old and has the same diagnosis that Elijah does. Her dad needed to go to his vehicle to get his things. I love these cancer kids. I guess that sounds strange, but it's true. They have the most amazing fighting spirits. People really don't understand what all they go through until you walk this road with them. Elijah got to meet a really special guy yesterday. He is 15 and lost his leg to osteosarcoma. Yesterday he got his new prosthetic.. He came in to meet Elijah and show him his new leg.. now.. in true Elijah form he stared - but not because Tray was different and was missing his real leg, Elijah was staring because the new leg looked like a robot and was "really cool!!" I love these kids.

Not Working

Being at home full time has it's advantages - and disadvantages. I mean, I am where I want to be right now. Taking care of Elijah instead of someone else doing it for me while I go to work. I don't think I could focus on work and would suffer endless guilt for not being with him. It does, however, make me realize that I don't think I would ever be happy being a "stay at home mom". Not full time anyway, for sure. I find that I miss adult interaction, but I hide from it all in the same notion unless it's at the hospital. I guess I feel like I fit in there, but not many other places anymore. Britt went to a convention this weekend. I wanted to be there, but then thought that I was thankful for being at home. I don't understand architect speak and really don't feel like I have much to contribute to conversations these days other than Elijah and what's going on with him. I miss working - but not the actual act of going to work. I miss being told by my peers that I am doing a great job or that I am needed. I miss feeling productive, but really have to work hard to be productive at home. Would it be any better if I were at the office? At this point, I really don't think so. In a perfect world, Elijah would be healthy and going to 1st grade with his friends and I would be going to work Monday through Friday to a job that I sort of like - depending on the day and my mood, that is! Not that i think that's perfect.. I guess in a perfect world, Elijah would be healthy - going to school, and I would be going to school too.. :)
I am rambling.
Monday we check him in for his 2nd Autologous Stem Cell Transplant. The first one was in January 0f 2006. I pray this one works and he defeats this beast for good this time. He is really handling it all like a trooper. I worry about him so much - worry about what is really going on in his head and if he is more scared than we know. He goes through so much - and believe me, this transplant is no cake walk. He is going to be one very sick little boy. Thankfully, he doesn't remember much of it from the first go round. Could be his age, or it could be all the pain meds he was on. Either way, I guess it's a blessing he doesn't remember.
Tomorrow is our last day at home for a while. I am stressing. I want this all to go smoothly. I know we all do.
I guess I will try to get some sleep.. I am sleeping better - just on a bit of a strange schedule. going to bed late and waking up around 9. I do feel better though. :)
peace.

Party Recovery.

The party was a huge success thanks largely to our family and friends who helped, brought food, cleaned up, helped entertain kids, etc. I think they all had a blast. We have enough extra candy to make treat bags for the kids on gold on Halloween - which is what I wanted to do with the leftover candy. :)
Now I am getting my house cleaned up again to prepare for checking Elijah in to the hospital next week. I can't believe we only have a week left at home before transplant time. .
I have been praying a lot today. Very specific prayers.
I must go finish washing dishes.

hmmm

I have opened my blog every day for the past two weeks knowing that it needs to be updated, but not knowing what I should write about. Then I figured that I didn't really need to write about anything specific. I could write about nothing and everything. :) I am still on catastrophic leave from my job. I am hoping that will last through December. After that, I am not sure what we will do. I have to have income, but Elijah will still need to be home for six more months. I have been in prayer that a solution will present itself. I feel hopeful it will. My sister is here for a visit right now. Sunday is her birthday. It's nice to have her here.
I am so sleepy today! We didn't go to bed til late, then Elijah woke up around 2am with leg pains. I finally got him calmed down after giving him some tylenol and he went back to sleep. Britt left for work at his usual time so I was going to try to go back to sleep again - but then traffic on our street, the dog, noise, and the UPS man decided that sleep was overrated for me and I needed to get up. I am dragging. I see a nap in my near future.
We are having a halloween party for Elijah saturday. I just realized I am supposed to feed supper to the 30 folks who are going to be here, and haven't a clue what to make. Maybe I will just make a big pot of chili. ha!

Reading

I took the advice of my friend Summer and ordered the Mom's Devotional Bible. I got it about a week ago. I read the first devotional and started reading the book of Genesis. With my nightly reading, I would read a bit more of Genesis. Within a few days, I finished it. (not the Bible - Genesis) Then I read the book of Exodus. I am ashamed to admit that this is probably the most I have read of the Bible. I read a few passages and stories here and there, but never actually sat down and read. Not sure how much I will read in the Old Testament. I may start on the New Testament. I have read tons of stuff on different religions, but sadly have not studied my own at great length. I am just feeling like I need to have more knowledge behind my Faith, if that makes sense.
They had casual for a cause at school on Friday. The kids have to pay a dollar to dress out of uniform and wear what they want on the last Friday of the month. The dollar goes for a "cause". Here is what infuriates me. The cause is not what I would consider a cause. It's not for local charity or anything like that. It's for things that the school genuinely needs that are not provided by tax dollars. Art supplies, the music department, etc. Things the schools should easily have access too without the kids (parents) having to pay for it. If they wanted to do it to plant trees or buy a new piece of wanted but not needed equipment, I could better see it. It's sad. With all the stuff in the news about the anniversary of the Little Rock Nine at Central High, they have been talking about how there is still a division of race in the LR school system and how it's now 64% African American because most of the white students now go to private schools. They tried to say it was about race, but I really don't think it is. I think it's because of lack of faith and opportunity within the public school system. They are overcrowded and underfunded and the kids are the ones who suffer for it. If finances weren't an issue, we would have put the kids in private school in a heart beat. We have been lucky to have great teachers for the past two years or I don't know what we would have done. Oh well. It wont be an issue for us much longer. I am trying to get Elijah enrolled in a virtual academy so he will be homeschooled for the rest of this year.
Enough of my rambling. I know it's Sunday and is supposed to be a day of rest, but we have tons of little home improvement projects that need to be done today, so I must get busy.
PEACE

what do you want to be when you grow up?

I have always envied those who knew what they wanted to do with their lives and never waivered from it. My husband has known for the longest time that he wanted to be an architect. I have friends at the hospital who always wanted to be nurses and now that they are, they are happy and have never thought of doing anything else. I have waivered so much on what I want to be when I grow up - I fear I will never know. I think I am finally getting to the point where I have decided what to do about it. When all this cancer stuff is behind us and Elijah is healed once and for all (and he will be!) I am going to go back to school and study what I LIKE and what interests me. I love English and literature. I love religious studies, and I love psychology. I am done worrying about what I want to BE. I just want to get my degree in what I am interested in. I am sure the rest will fall in to place. We always joke that I should be a rich architects wife! ha ha. Maybe I will be by the time I finish school and then I won't have to worry about it anymore.
We put a twin bed in our room so Elijah is sleeping in his own bed now. Britt and I have our bed back and actually have room to sleep. It's been good for us, I think. Elijah is sleeping better and still feels safe being close to us. I am making progress on my house as far as cleaning and organizing goes. I am almost to the point where I can clean Elijah's room.. That's a scary thought. You can't even walk in there, it's just covered with toys. It's good that he is so well loved!

Giving it Up... and it's not even Lent!

I was up late last night reading the latest slam on Britney's VMA performance and I had a thought: "what does reading celebrity gossip really bring to my life?" The answer was absolutely NOTHING! I saw Britney.. I know it was bad... I saw that she wasn't built like she was when she was 20, but LAWD! The girl has had two kids! I am not making excuses for the lackluster performance.. she looked loaded and like she really just couldn't wait to be done with the whole thing so she could go do something else. What I am saying is, the media is slamming her for being "out of shape".... THAT'S out of shape??? I would give my eye teeth and probably part of a limb to be built like that!!!! Now...I might not put on a bikini in front of millions - but still.. It got me to wondering why I have this fascination with celebrity gossip and why I should care if Brad and Angelina were kissing in public or if Jennifer Anniston has a new boyfriend. Truth is - other than to carry on a conversation with my sister like we actually know these people, it's worthless. . so I give it up. I have changed my homepage to be prayforelijah.com instead of msn (it should be pray for elijah anyway). I am not going to go to cnn.com and scroll down to the entertainment section immediately. And I am not going to succumb to the teasings of comcast about watching celeb news on The Fan. . I am simply giving it all up. (my husband is reading this at work going "yeah, right") Susan and I have discussed many times the importance of surrounding ones self with things and people of value and integrity. Celebrity Gossip does not fall in to that category.. so it's gone. :)
Now.. I can't believe that I have devoted a whole blog to this subject - but it truly has been sort of an obsession with me.. First I give up All My Children and now celeb gossip\?!?! What next?
Prayers for today: healing for Eli, for Eli to want to go to school, to make it to Hannah's volleyball game, happiness and health for my family

It's Been a Week...

Gallery of Hope was this past weekend. It was a beautiful event. I think we raised well over $15,000 to directly help the families at ACH whose kids are fighting cancer. Next week Elijah is going to hopefully go to school and I will have tons of time to get things done around the house. I am really hoping that next week will be a good week to get some stuff organized. :)
I have been thinking that I really need to get a daily devotional book and start reading it daily. I used to have one and I liked it - so I will look for a new one next week or maybe find one online. I like the ones that are in a book format better, I think.
Today has been quiet. I have enjoyed the rain.

pleasant weekend

All in all, I would say it's been a good weekend I got something to wear to Gallery of Hope. We went to a luau. Some friends came with us to visit our church today. It's been good. I have been reminded over the past week that it's so important to live life for each day and stop worrying about the minor stuff. You would think I had that down by now, huh? A sweet girl relapsed with leukemia last week. We love this girl and her family. When I stopped by to see her, she was all smiles. She is Hannah's age and the picture of loveliness. Cancer is such a horrid disease, yet she choses to smile and live each day to the fullest. Amazing. I think it's been a pretty rough week for a lot of us cancer moms. Palmer's relapse, another friend nearing the end of his battle, several newly diagnosed patients. It's just hard. I don't like all the struggles that have come along with all of this. The medical aspect of it all is hard enough - then you get hit with the other stuff.. .The emotional, the spiritual and the daily reminders of the financial. It bites. I told another friend that the OFFICIAL term was "This just sucks". Yep. It sucks.
I am in the process of making a list of all the things that are weighing me down (other than Eli having cancer) and I am trying to eliminate them or deal with them so they won't drive me nuts anymore. I am typically the kind of person who just avoids things and prays they go away.. but they don't. So now they eat me up inside. So.. I am going to try to deal with a few things to eliminate issues. Does that make sense? Oh well.. it does to me.. ha!
Labor day we will be taking Eli to the hospital for chemo - but it wont take long at all. Then Britt and I are going to be organizing some stuff around the house and getting it in presentable shape.. AND.. we are going to make more laundry soap!!! wooo hooo!!!
prayers for today: motivation to get things done in the house, time to do something special with Elijah, and mark one thing off my "get this off my list" list.. ha ha

great friends

I have such great friends. Thank you guys for posting wonderful comments to my last post. Every once in a while I get in one of "those moods". It helps to get it all out by writing it down, I have found.
I am tired this morning. My crazy sleeping patterns are still causing problems. On top of that, I feel I have picked up a stomach virus of sorts. I started throwing up night before last and can't seem to shake the nauseated feeling or the headache that has followed. I went to bed at a decent hour last night and slept off and on until about 1am. I have been up since. Not fun at all.
Things are gearing up for Gallery of Hope. I am excited about it and dreading it all in the same breath. I am going to get a new dress this year though. :) On a positive note, I am getting more exercise.
I watched Elijah sleep for a while last night. It's amazing to me how he can seem like such a big kid one second and then while sleeping, look so little too. He's such a funny kid. We watched The Last Mimzy last night and really liked it. It was pretty good.
My battery is about to die and the charger is upstairs where Britt and Eli are sleeping. Guess I will just close for now..
Peace

Take Two

It's 1am and here I sit. I am disturbed this evening. Not that it's any different from any other evening. We have an acquaintance from the hospital. Their son is approaching his final days. It's infuriating. I pray that we never have to go through that. I pray that what we are about to put Elijah through works and that he is healed. I pray that I never have to tell my son that we have lost and he is going to die. It's maddening. I had a friend call and say that she so admires how strong I am. I don't feel strong. not at all. I really want to just roll up in to a little ball. But.. that wont happen. We will keep fighting. I just want to be able to get some semblance of normal and I am having a really hard time doing that right now. I need to lose weight and get in shape but just can't get motivated to do it. I am in a self loathing phase right now. I am miserable and just not feeling so great about myself these days. I guess sleeping all day doesn't make that any better.... then I just sit up all night and think of what I am doing wrong. Not zesty. Not Zesty at all. How do I get out of this slump? How do I get back on a regular schedule? I lack self discipline. How does one learn that? Okay.. enough of my pity party. Time to dust off and do something. I want to enjoy my life while it's good.

Another late night

I really was going to try to go to bed earlier tonight. I put Eli's name on all of his school supplies, got his uniform together, put his lunch stuff in a convenient locale, and headed upstairs to join my spouse - who was already snoozing. I found Elijah on my side of the bed sprawled out like a starfish! I didn't have the heart to move him so I came back downstairs. Put a load of laundry in the dryer, and started to listen to an audio book. This, I thought, was going to do the trick! I started to fall asleep listening to the book! Yay! I will turn the book off and go to sleep here on on the sofa! Well, that was over two hours ago. I just finished reading some of Will Wheaton's blog. Do you remember who he is? He was in Stand By Me and on Star Trek. My sister had a huge crush on him. I loved Stand By Me for many reasons.. 1. It was a great story. and 2.. a friend of mine actually had a small part in it. Well, I say friend. He was a friend when I was in the 7th grade. HA! He used all of the money he made on that movie to get himself addicted to drugs. He is clean now though.. Making Christian films and has three kids last I heard. Good for him, I say.
This week I am taking a break. While Eli is in school I am going to clean my house, do my nails, give myself a pedi, and get things in order. That is the plan anyway. I am hoping to get some walking in there too.
Maybe I will even sleep from time to time..

Another Story

I have been on a reading kick lately. I think I have read 6 books in the past two weeks. I grabbed another one from the parent room at the hospital today but haven't started it yet. Reading offers me an escape from my own life - even if it is just for a brief moment. I enjoy getting completely submerged in the book that I am reading. It makes it dificult to think about anything other than the words on the page. It's not that I want to totally escape my life. There are a lot of things about my life that I love and wouldn't trade for anything. It's just that my mind is constantly going in 50 different directions. Reading keeps me from doing that. Keeps me focused on just one thing - which doesn't happen very often. I don't think about bills, being fat, or Elijah being sick when I am reading a good book. It's nice to get away from all of that from time to time. Britt hates it when I start a new book because I carry it all over the house with me and read all the time. He will wake up in the middle of the night only to find me on my side of the bed, my bedside light on, and my face buried in a book. :) He gave up complaining about it a long time ago. Now he just rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep. He's a good husband. :)
I think I just realized that this book I got is a cheesy romance novel. Believe it or not, I don't like cheesy romance novels - not even if they have a picture of some Roman god like beefcake on the cover. UGH.

Sunday

Painting of Woods Cove
I had the best dreams last night. I had a dream that I went on a short vacation by myself - sort of. It was one of those "tour group" vacations like retirees take on a bus -only it was cool and it wasn't old people. It ended up surprisingly in Laguna Niguel in California one evening. I spent some time in the Laguna area during a couple of summers when I was a kid and have really good memories from there. In the dream it was like experiencing all of those good things. It was in the evening and there was a cookout at this area called Woods Cove. Woods Cove was my favorite thing about Laguna. There were all these huge rocks that the water used to crash up against making the most wonderful sounds. I loved it. In my dream I sat on the beach at Woods Cove just listening to the ocean meet the rocks and shore. It brought about such a feeling of peace and well being. The dream was like a slide show of happy memories. Very cool. And of course, I was skinny. I usually am in all my GOOD dreams. ha ha. When I am skinny again I am going to buy a gorgeous white cotton dress and a light colored straw hat. crazy me.

Soap and Such

The new homemade laundry soap is a hit. We like it just as much as anything we have purchased at Target - probably more since it's so cheap! yahoo! Here is the link http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/03/15/how-to-make-your-own-laundry-detergent-and-save-big-money/ if you want to make some yourself. Super easy!!
I have to say that i have fallen behind on my blogging in a serious way. I have just been in a bad mood and didn't want to get on here and just bitch.. I know, I know.. Why not? That's what I do anyway, right? ha ha.
I ran in to some friends from high school today. I felt like a cow, I really did. So what did I do about it? I bought ice cream at Kroger.
One more week til school starts. The kids are ready. I am ready. Hannah will be going to school at her dad's this year so that will be a big adjustment for me. I am not used to being away from her and I fear I will miss her terribly thus adding to my stress. It's what's best for her right now though, especially with Elijah back in treatment and getting ready for transplant again. She needs normal. I don't know how normal she can get at her dad's though.
I am tired so I guess I am going to bed now..
Peace!

Laundry Soap

Britt and I just finished making our own laundry detergent! It sounds crazy, but we did it. It was super easy. Laundry detergent is expensive these days and believe me, we do lots of laundry in this house. The laundry detergent was super easy to make and laundry will be pennies per load to wash. The total cost for our supplies was about $6. With what we purchased, we made 3 gallons of laundry soap and have enough supplies to make tons more. I am sooo hoping that this works! We have to let the stuff sit over night and it will be ready for use in the morning. I will post tomorrow how it works!!!

Mysterious Deleted Signing

First - I want to say thanks so much for all the words of encouragement. It means so much to me. Eljiah's website is for him and the encouraging words we get on there mean everything to our whole family.. I know these are just for me and it really warms my heart..
Now.. for the big mystery. I have a comment on here that shows that I have deleted it. It wasn't anything rude or inappropriate. It was just a stupid spam signing saying "Hey.. go to this website to learn how to make a bunch of money".. blah blah blah. I just deleted it.
I am doing better with my eating, but must admit to falling off the wagon a bit the past couple of days. Did y'all know that they make chocolate covered gummy bears???? That should be totally illegal!! ha ha. I want to get rid of caffeine other than an occasional cup of joe. For now, Britt got me some diet coke with no caffeine. I am sleeping in tomorrow.. yep. I am. Elijah goes to camp next week. I am happy for him to have a blast but I am going to miss him like mad! It will give me a chance to get started walking though. That's the plan anyway.
going to bed now.
Prayers for tomorrow: easy chemo for elijah, to hear a start date on my job at ACH, to be in a pleasant mood , and to color with Elijah.

Sticking to it..

I am sticking to my new eating plan so far! I think I have been doing really well and am quite proud of myself! I am loosley sticking to the weight watchers program of counting points and journaling all my food. I thought that weighing myself every day would be a good way to go. I guess it would be if my weight was actually going down, but it wasn't.. It was going up!! I couldn't figure it out! I was eating soooo much better than I had been before starting this - and staying within my points level but the first day my weight stayed the same, which is fine.. then the next two days it went up one pound each day! What the heck?!?! Well, today it went back down to where I started.. so I am hoping that in the next few days it will go down a pound or two. I started this on the 17th.
Elijah had good scan results so my mind set is a bit better on that front - for now at least. It comes and goes. I need to concentrate on today. He has had some pretty big attitude problems over the past few days. I need to get him on a better schedule. I think structure will make him feel better. Easily said - over and over again.

Day 2

I went to Target last night and bought a little notebook to carry with me. It's my food and weight journal. My friend Susan carries a little notebook with her so I thought I would try it. Writing down everything you eat really puts things in to perspective - well, it puts what you put in your mouth in perspective. I have eaten really well the past two days. Fiber One bars are really really good and filling!!! I had one of those and some yogurt for breakfast. Those little bad boys have 9 grams of fiber in them!!
Our AC unit for upstairs is officially dead. We had someone come out today who said it has two things wrong with it and it can not be repaired. It needs to be replaced. We had it serviced last year and we were told it was on it's last legs then and probably wouldn't make it through last summer. We borrowed a window unit that we will put in one of the back bedrooms upstairs. We hope it will cool two of the bedrooms for now. In the mean time, the downstairs is nice and cool because we replaced that unit right after we bought the house. Maybe in the Fall we will be able to replace the smaller unit for upstairs. My grandmother said she would help with the expense of it.
I think I am going to weigh myself every day. I know some people say you shouldn't do that, but I want to be able to write my weight down in my notebook every day. I am realizing how much I eat without thinking about it.. eating for no reason. Elijah had some fries yesterday and I almost had one in my mouth when I realized what I was doing!! Jeesh! I wasn't even hungry! Pizza sounded really good for dinner tonight, so we went. I filled up on a bunch of salad with vinegar instead of dressing and then had two small pieces of thin crust pizza with canadian bacon. It was more than plenty. I was under for my daily points allowance under the WW program.
today was a good day. Eli's scan was good. Britt and the kids are back. I am hoping for a good nights sleep and great news from Eli's scans tomorrow. Goals for tomorrow: color with Elijah, stay on my eating program, marked improvement on eli's scans, to cook a good dinner, and to get the window unit in so we can sleep in our own beds tomorrow night!

Party's Over - Now the fun begins

Vacation is done. It was a blast, but now it's time to get back to "life". Today life began with errands- bill paying, prescription getting, chemo, etc. etc. I started a new WOE. (way of eating). Not really a new one - just started back on the tried and true methods of weight watchers to try and get some of this excess baggage off my bod. I know the plan works. I just have to stick to it, which is the challenge for me.
I am having a strange day other though. Thought wise, I mean. For some reason I thought it would be perfectly okay for Elijah to go to school for first grade. I doubt if Dr. Stine is going to want him to go to school with a port needle in most every day, will he? They can't take it out every day and then put it back in because of the risk for infection. I don't know why I thought it would be okay for him to go to school. I guess I just want him to be able to be as normal as possible and am in a bit of denial. I hate cancer. I hate that it threatens to take him away from me and keeps me awake at night. I hate that he can't have a normal life because of treatment that is working to save him. I wish I could make this all go away, move us to the beach where he could play every day, and not have to worry about anything ever again. ha. I guess most people would wish the same thing.
I feel like I have a good cry always waiting to explode from within. At a moments notice, it could erupt like a volcano of misery. Crying scares me anymore. The last time, I didn't think I would ever be able to stop. It was the heaving waves of nausea, hysterical sobbing, wanting to hit and punch and kick something sort of cry. This is my child. My life. My love. He makes me laugh every single day. How can I get to the point where I just have ultimate Faith that he will be healed completely and I will get to raise him and watch him grow up? How can I not be scared? How can I enjoy every day with him instead of dreading days without him? That's what I feel like I am doing and it sucks.
Stop worrying about stupid stuff. I am going to start coloring with him every day. Playing games with him and reading with him. I want to be amazed at everything he can learn. Happiness wont come from me being skinny, having my home decorated a certain way or driving a certain kind of car.. Happiness will come from enjoying everything I can with my family. Being a better mom. Giving Britt and the kids a life with a wife and mother that loves life and shares that love. I am not worried about school next year for Elijah. We can homeschool if we need to. I am going to be organized, I am going to be healthy, I am going to be more prayerful and Faithful, and I am going to take care of myself so I can take care of him. Those are my goals for today, tomorrow, and every day from here on out.
Peace

The Secret

I am listening to "The Secret" on the ipod right now. It's about the laws of attraction and how the way you think about things, really effects what happens in your life. If you think you will never be prosperous or have happiness, then you won't. If you think you will prosper and be happy - it will come to you. Attracting what you want by thinking positively. I guess it's like affirming - which I believe will work. It's funny that I was listening to this book yesterday because Britt was playing around with one of Eli's pictures and what he did really seemed to sum it all up. I am going to try to have a more positive attitude about everything. Everything from trying to be more organized, my weight, to our prosperity and the success of Elijah's treatment. We have two AC units in our house. One downstairs and one upstairs. The one upstairs stopped working yesterday. YUCK. We slept downstairs last night where it was nice and cool! We don't have time to fix it before we leave on our trip tomorrow. I guess we will take care of it when we get back. Britt thinks it may just need freon. I am praying that will get it taken care of until we can replace the unit. When we get back from vacation, we will take care of that. I should also hear something about my job when we get back too.. I am excited for that!
Prayers for today: rest, Elijah to feel good, and to get things organized for our trip.

The Deck

We decided to begin working on the back yard. The stairs to the deck were not safe so we tore them down.. They aren't necessary anyway as we have two back doors that lead to the backyard - one to the upper part and one to the lower. I actually took off every step myself! I was DRENCHED by the time I finished. When we decided to remove the stairs, we also thought it might be a good idea to make the deck a pooch free zone. Duchess is just too lovable and will lick you to death when you are outside. She is a "slobber dog". Not fun. Britt enclosed the area where the stairs were we wouldn't have any accidents. He will finish closing the area over near the fence tomorrow. Ahhh.. the home improvement projects. I wish I could be more like some of my other friends and completely finish one project before another begins, but sometimes necessity intervenes as it did with Peanut and his wallpaper removal and the unsafe stairs. I need to get some spackle and finish my bathroom downstairs. We have been to home depot twice in the past few days and have forgotten each time. UGH. I just don't want my house to look like one unfinished project after another.
I am reading a book. It's called The Memory Keepers Daughter. I really like it so far. It was a book club selection - the book club that I don't ever go to.
I think I will sleep well tonight. Elijah should too.
Prayers for tomorrow: easy day at the hospital, Elijah to feel great, to get some work done, and to have time to work on the house some more.
Peace

Sleep is overrated, right???

It's 130. I am awake. I don't like not being able to sleep, but I do sort of enjoy a bit of time by myself. At least it feels like time by myself. The house is quiet anyway. :) I have so much work that I need to do and I just really don't want to do it. I am ready for the new job - the one that I don't have yet.. ha!. I say that, but then I will bitch about not having weekends free.. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too, right? I want my backyard to be nice so I can sit out there and watch Elijah play and read my book and drink a glass of wine. It's not a pleasant place to do such things right now. It needs to be cleaned up, some things fixed up, and we need to get the dog under control. I love her, but it grosses me out to have her lick my feet or my legs.. and she does it all the time. Our deck needs to be replaced but I think we will have to do it a piece at a time. That sounds fun, doesn't it? Nope. Neither does raking leaves in 90 degree weather, but I am going to do it tomorrow.. the sweat will do me good. California is in two weeks.. I wanted to lose some weight, but didn't do it.. I wonder if I ever will. I am so negative tonight!! dang! I need to go to bed.
prayers for tomorrow: to work in the yard, to do some work, for Elijah to feel good

Busy Sunday

Today has been a good day. We went to church this morning and really enjoyed that. After Church and lunch, I started back in removing the wallpaper from the downstairs bathroom. I am 99% finished with that part of the project! That will be the 4th part of the house that we have removed wallpaper from. The kitchen will be the next one but we may just paint over that instead of removing. Not sure yet. After that we played with Eljah in his pool we put up for him. He had a blast. I initially wanted to get a larger pool, but am really glad we got this smaller one instead. He will really enjoy it, I think and it saved us a lot of time and money on yard work to prep for a larger one. All in all, a good day.. No house work done, but a good day..

Why Not Me?

So my friend had a good point.. I have a friend that could do some of that for me for free.. it got me to thinking.. I can do most of that for myself for free!!! I got up this morning and got some stuff together to work on my nails.. worked on my cuticles, buffed them down and shaped my nails, applied a nail strengthener and had myself a slimfast.. woo hoo! I need to wean myself off the crack that is diet coke.. I have actually been drinking coke zero lately but am determined to switch to tea and water. I have done it before.. I just usually slip every now and then and then it's right back to the old evil ways. yuck. I have a gym membership. I need to use it. Britt needs to use it and I know he would use it more if I did.

I am going to work on my house today. My sister is coming in to town for a couple of days and I would like the house to look presentable.. so.. not much time goofing off on this computer. I am going to do some work work.. some me work.. and some house work. I am going to try to tackle my eyebrows at some point today.. I may need a beer for that job though!!

No catchy title.. just friday night ramblings..

I am glad it's Friday, even though I haven't been at work hardly at all this week. I had an interview this morning at children's. I hope I get it. It would be working weekend nights in the NICU with the little babies. I am hoping to know something soon. I am wanting to do this primarily so I can be at home with Eli all during the week and not worry about missing work. I could take care of him and still work full time. Some people have said that I am nuts for wanting to work at ACH since we are up there so much anyway for Eli's treatments. Crazy thing is, I am comfortable there. I know my way around up there, and when he goes in for his second transplant, I can still work - but feel close to him too. I think it will make things easier. I love that hospital. I really want to go to nursing school eventually. That's why I started school. I soon realized that taking classes during the day was going to prove challenging while trying to work an 8 to 5 job. Working like this will make it easier for me to go back to school when Elijah gets done with treatment this time. ACH offers a tuition reimbursement too - so that's a bonus. PLUS. I would get to wear scrubs to work!!! woo hooo!!!! ha ha ha.
I sat down last night for some reason and added up how much it would cost to get my hair cut, have my nails done, have a pedicure and get my eyebrows arched.. wow.. It's expensive to be a girl.. and I get CHEAP haircuts by most standards!!

What is Victoria's Secret?

So I wonder.. Do most women just buy underwear and bras from time to time, or do they just wait til it all wears out and then go buy a whole bunch? I have no idea.. you see, I was very spoiled for a long time. My sister was a manager at Victoria's Secret for a few years. Whenever they had big sales, she bought me my bra's and underwear. When it came time for Christmas and Birthdays - I got new panties or the latest "miracle amazing make your boobs stand up and say hello" bra. For the past few years I have had to buy my own stuff!!! What the heck? Not that I am complaining, really. My sister went to work for Coach so I get really cool bags and stuff like that.. and people actually see those! I was just noticing today as I was folding laundry, that I need to go visit my friend Victoria very soon..

lost

I feel a bit lost today for some reason. I feel like there is something I really need to be doing, but I can't remember what it is. It's driving me nuts. I keep looking on my computer hoping that it will come to me in some great epiphany, but it never happens. I just cleaned my kitchen and I guess I will move on to laundry next. I borrowed John's carpet shampooer. I am hoping that will make me feel better about my house. I also started working on Elijah's room. THATS a HUGE chore!!! ugh. He just has so much stuff and I have no idea what to do with all of it. I did take most of his stuffed pals out and put them up.
I slept last night. Slept from midnight to 11am. I haven't slept that late in years!!! I have to say that it felt pretty good though. I got up and cooked a big breakfast / lunch for everyone. It was good and I enjoyed it. Elijah and Britt are playing with some of his toys that the kids at St. James sent. So sweet.
I go back to work on Monday for the week while he is at St. James. I am going to count points for breakfast and lunch and try to prepare somewhat healthy meals. I may even try to go walk on the treadmill at the gym.
It's 2pm. Where has the day gone? I guess that's what happens when you sleep the day away.
Prayers for today: Elijah to feel great, for our family to have a good day, to get a bit of work done, a feeling of peace.

Finally got a call!!!

When I updated my profile on the Arkansas Children's HR website, I noticed that the first time I applied for a job there was in 2004!!! Recently I applied for several positions that would allow me to work from 7pm to 7am on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This would make it possible for me to still have a full time job, but be able to be with Elijah for treatments. I will probably make less money, but I would make a lot less anyway with all the work I am missing. I am hoping this is an answer to a prayer. I think it would make me feel better anyway.. I was in such a FOUL mood yesterday. Just angry at EVERYTHING. Poor Britt has to get the brunt of it. I told my friend on the phone today that I was in such a foul mood that Britt could have brought me home flowers and chocolate, ran me a bubble bath, filled the room with candles and romantic music and I would have still been angry about SOMETHING. It was just one of those days. I am praying that this job thing comes through. I think it will take a huge stress off of me and let me be where I want. I can handle being away from Eli as long as I know Britt can be with him when I am not there. I think that will make things feel better for both of us. I don't want Britt feeling guilty because I am missing work- I really don't care. :)
Vacation is coming soon. I really want to take some time to just sit on the beach and watch the water. I miss the ocean.
prayers for tomorrow: easy day of chemo; good news about job situation; the cleaning fairy to come to my house!!!

Just thoughts

I am not sleeping much these days.. Well, I am but it's usually after 2am. Elijah's schedule is all messed up. Elijah seems to be feeling so much better and I am thankful that he isn't in pain anymore. I am just leary of the treatment. It doesn't seem as aggressive as what it should be. The cure rate for relapse is only about 10%. I really feel that if any kid could be the 10%, it would be Elijah. A friend asked me the other day how I can be so positive on his website and not angry about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong. I am FURIOUS that he has to go through so much again and I am scared to death that we are going to lose him, but I read the other websites of kids going through treatment and hear their moms venting and bitching about everything and it irritates me. I am Blessed for every day I have with this kid and I need to act like it. Also, his website is for friends and prayer pals to see how Elijah is doing - not to hear how angry, hurt, scared, and depressed I am. That's what this one is for!! ha ha ha. There is a website where a mom actually talks about how she just knows that her daughter is going to relapse and not survive.. it infuriates me. Even though you might dread that with every inch of your being, it's just not something I think you should talk about - especially when your kid reads the website.
I want Elijah to have a good summer. I want to play with him and for him to have amazing experiences. He wants to do things..He wants to go back to Florida and stay at the Nick Hotel. He wants to learn to write in cursive (he already taught himself to write his name). He wants swimming lessons. He wants to go to Mexico City and see where Dad went to school. I want so much for him. I want to have family pictures taken at the beach, I want to take him to the grand canyon, I want to take him camping and canoing, - most of all I just want him to grow up. when Britt and I decided to have Elijah, we wanted so much to be parents and actually do it together and do it right. It was pretty tough being single parents for so many years. Why would God give us such an amazing kid just to take him back? I can't fathom that part of this whole thing.
Anyway.. enough of that. It's just what I have been thinking lately. I don't want to go back to work. Elijah gets to go to St. James next week if he feels up to it, so I will be at work. We bought a big pool and were going to put it up for him in the backyard, but it's going to cost too much and be too time consuming to get the backyard ready for the pool so we might take it back and get a smaller one. He wont be able to swim much since his port will be accessed two out of every three weeks. Ugh.
I cut my hair off.. I like it much better now. I wish I could figure a way to fix it and get it to stay fixed!! My face is clearing up, thankfully!! Now if I could just stop eating so dang much.. Sigh.
Prayers for today: positive thoughts for Eli's treatment, get Elijah on a better sleeping pattern, time with Britt, a good week of chemo, quiet weekend of family fun!!!
peace

Deadly Sins

I was reading an article on msn today about the 10 most expensive homes in the world. It just about made me sick at my stomach. People will spend hundreds of millions on these ridiculous houses and here I sit trying to figure out what I am going to do about my work situation and wishing I could go out and buy a $139 carpet shampooer so my carpet in the house doesn't always look like crap. I would like to yank it all out and put new carpet or something else in but we definitely can't swing that right now.. and I see these slide shows with the pictures of the 10 bedroom homes with imported tile floors. .. floors that cost more than my entire house. I get jealous for their ability to do such things, but not for their stupidity for actually doing it. I wish these people could realize how many lives could be positively affected by that much money. How many parents of sick kids struggle because they have to balance working with treatment. how many parents like the Prado family who just lost their son and are struggling with how to even afford to get his body back to arkansas from minnesota. People shouldn't have to worry about shit like that. I think when your child becomes ill, something should automatically kick in and make the rest of your life worry free so you can concentrate on your family - enjoying your family and caring for your family. I think there should be a person that comes in and says "hand over your checking account and all of your bills - I will make sure everything is taken care of every month. Here is your gas allowance, entertainment allowance, and grocery allowance. The rest is all my worry".. and I wish there was someone who would come in and say "I am going to come to your house and clean. all you have to do is keep up with your laundry and pick up after yourselves".. I guess it's lazy of me to think such things though. I dont want to work, I don't want to pay bills (or have britt worry with it) and I don't want to clean my house.. DANG! What DO I want to do??? ha ha ha ha. Right now, I want to sleep. Elijah was up until really late and I tossed and turned even after he did fall asleep.
Prayers for today: rest, chemo to be working in his body, job situation to rectify itself, to be able to hand this all over to God so I can stop worrying with it.. Peace

It's Me Again...

It's been a crazy few weeks. Cancer is back. Treatment starts tomorrow. We are ready to start so he can feel better and we can feel like we are doing something and not just sitting around while this crap grows in his body. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about this. It's nauseating.
I have applied for several jobs working on the weekends or at night at ACH and at UAMS. Britt just started his new job and needs to be there as much as humanly possible which is hard for him because he wants to be with Elijah as much as possible too. I just don't want to have to deal with that torn feeling I had when Elijah was in treatment before. Needing to be with him but feeling guilty for not being at work - then when I was at work I felt guilty for not being with Elijah. My job is just a job to me.. not a career, so I really don't care if I leave it and find another that will allow me to be with him, still contribute to our income (which I have to), but not feel guilty when I am working because he will be with Britt. (that was one heck of a run on sentence).
So many people reaching out to us. It's amazing. We seem to be doing okay and I think it's largely because of our support system holding us up. Britt and I are both angry though and it seems to be showing in the way we react to one another. I wish there was something we could do about that. Maybe we can get back in to the gym and take out some frustrations. That might help.
prayers for today: Chemo to work and for E to tolerate it well, my job situation to resolve itself, motivation to mop my kitchen floor today and do laundry, a peaceful day.

bad

I am having a bad day.
I hate cancer. I wish it had never invaded my sons body and our lives.
It's just not fair. I am pissed off. Elijah isn't feeling well and some of his labs came
back a bit higher than last month so they are scanning him on Wednesday. I have a bad feeling
but I always have a bad feeling, so that's not saying much.

About Time!

I am finally starting to feel better. My headache isn't constant anymore and the yuck feeling in my stomach is only every once in a while during the day instead of all the time.
Last night we decided to clean out the garage and have ourselves a good ole yard sale this morning. We really got rid of a lot of stuff!! What we didn't sell, Britt loaded up in the truck and took to Goodwill. Our garage, that was fully lined with plastic bins, is now nice and clean.. One more step on our way to organization! Now that the garage is cleaned up, we will move on to the house tomorrow and get some more stuff organized here. Tomorrow we tackle the beast that is our laundry.. YIPES!
We have a new addition to the Talley house. His name is Baden and he is a smooth fox terrier. I think this one is actually here to stay. We wanted a small dog that Elijah could play with and got little Peanut from my grandmother.. Peanut didn't want to do anything but tear stuff up, growl at everyone but me, and follow me around everywhere I went. NOT what we wanted in a dog. I was worried he was going to snap at Elijah. He really needed to be a one person dog so we found Peanut a new home. Two weeks ago we were coming home and found a little dog running down shackleford - we brought her home to try and find her parents. No such luck. CARE took her into their foster program to find a new home for her. Last week my sisters boyfriend called and said that his mom had a dog that we needed to come and meet. Well, we did and we fell in love with him so we brought him home. He is a smooth fox terrier and is smart as can be - a bit stubborn, but still a sweet heart. He LOVES to play with his ball.. Tinkerbell doesn't much care for him, but he doesn't mess with her too much.
Riverfest is next weekend. I am not prepared. The yard sale today wore me out so I can only imagine how I will feel after being outside at the festival for three days. I was determined that I would lose some weight and be in better shape before this years festival, but it didn't happen - again. Someday soon.. Now that I am feeling better we can get back in to the gym. When Hannah is gone to her dads during the summer it will be easier for us to eat better - Elijah will eat good stuff like salmon, tilapia, and grilled chicken all the time.. (That's my excuse right now - Hannah is picky so I eat garbage ALL DAY LONG! HA!) I did find all my weight watchers books in the garage yesterday. I really think that's the easiest program when you have kids and a family. It makes it easier to plan meals that everyone can eat.
Well, I guess I haven't written in so long, I had a lot to say.. :)
prayers for tomorrow: health for my kids, a good nights sleep, and motivation to get the house put together tomorrow..

Excuses, excuses..

I wish I could say that I have been studying for my final on Friday and that's why I haven't updated my blog, but that wouldn't be true. :) I should be studying - but I haven't been. I will study tonight.
things are going okay. I have had a near constant headache for about two weeks now. It's driving me nuts. I called Dr. Abel and will go in next week if it hasn't subsided by then. I am wondering if it's not insulin related... hhmmmm... Our class at church is about to wind down. I have to say that I will miss it though. It's kind of crazy that everything seems to be stopping at the same time. Church, soccer, and school for me all quit within the same week. I am sure something else will come along to take the place of all the activities, but I am ready for things to quiet down a bit.. i say that but I know in the back of my head that Riverfest is just around the corner and there is NOTHING quiet about Riverfest for the Talley family. :)
I think one of my goals for the summer, other than my plot for organization, (S, my purse is clean and I cleaned out my car today too... YAY!) is to read more. I love to read and haven't had much of a chance to do it lately.
I think tanning beds are horrible for you, but I really want to tan before riverfest so my legs are not glowing white. It's bad enough that they are big - they don't need to be glaring as well.. I have gone the past couple of years and done the mystic tan (yuck) but I don't want to mess with that this year. It's kind of yucky.i want to have a tan..
prayers for today: health and safety for my kids; my headache to go away; to find the owners of our newest furry houseguest.
PEACE

Late Night Rain

I am addicted to the show "Heroes". I have never watched it before but decided to watch the first episode online. wow! It's really cool!
It's raining. I like it when it's quiet and I can hear the rain. I think that's why I am still up... so I can hear the rain and just hang out in the quiet by myself for a bit.
I had my peer review for my comp class tonight. I got good responses on my paper. I have to finish it and be sure to include all my sources. I feel okay about it. I am almost sad for class to be over, but relieved too. I am tired of being really busy all the time and not having any down time.
I have been doing pretty good with my eating the past couple of days. Now if I can just get back in to the gym!
Prayers for today: health and safety for my kids. organization motivation for work tomorrow. and inspiration to finish my paper

Busy Busy

This week has been crazy busy as usual. I only have another week of school though. After that, things will quiet down a lot. Elijah's soccer will be coming to an end soon and so will Alpha. Then we will be stuck with nothing to do! Yeah, right! I am really bored with work this week. Just not wanting to do the work that I have - at all.
I am busy making a list of ways to get organized at home. My house is in such disarray that Elijah even said "mom, we need to get our house organized" the other night. It's terrible. I always say "this is ridiculous, we need to get organized" and then we never do. I guess because I expect it all to be done at once and it's a slow going process. I see the shows where they bring in a professional to help you organize your stuff... I would be mortified to have a professional see my "stuff".. even though I know it's not nearly as bad as some of the stuff I have seen on TV. I just know that life would be easier if I were more organized. I am angry right now because I can't find Elijah's order form for his field day t-shirts. I would know right where that was if I were organized.
Riverfest is nearly here.. It's unbelievable.
Prayers for today: Health and safety for my kiddos, staff meeting to go quickly, motivation to get a tiny bit closer to organized..

Guess I will be Walking again!

I stayed up doing homework until 11:35 last night so I was not ready to get up this morning. YUCK. My plans always sound really good, but sometimes don't come to fruition. Oh well. The walk will do me good if the rain can hold off. If not, I might go to the gym after work today. On a good note, I did get one whole chapter done in my psychology book, mastered the vocab (there weren't many this time) and did very well on the practice tests.. Now I only have four more chapters to go! I also got my annotated bibliography done on my paper. that took much longer than I anticipated. I need to get started writing that because the rough draft is due next week and this is a six pager.
At the beginning of the semester we did a personality profile. We got the results back yesterday. I hate stuff like that. It's meant to be helpful, but always leaves me second guessing choices and decisions.
prayers for today: health and safety for my kids, motivation to work, no rain so I can walk this evening

I need my own ipod

I think I might take Eli's ipod shuffle over for a while. I grabbed Britt's ipod after we had dinner and headed over to the park. He has an audiobook on there "Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University". I started listening to the first session which is about 45 minutes long and started walking around the track. It really makes the time go by faster! Before I knew it I had walked for 30 minutes! I am going to the gym in the morning.
I have made the decision not to take any classes this summer. The schedule is just too much. During the summer you have to go to class nearly every day and the class periods are longer. I just can't devote that much time right now. I really want to focus on enjoying my family this summer and hopefully getting some things done around the house. Britt and I really want to get a nice entertainment center so I think we are going to start saving up for that. Now I have to go work on my final paper.. yee haw!

good intentions

I guess from now on if I am going to depend on assistance from others for me to carry out my plans, I should make my plans well known. Britt didn't realize that I intended to go to the gym this morning. I almost NEVER wake up until he wakes me up. He sets the alarm and he wakes up.. then he gets me up. Well, he didn't know I wanted to go this morning so true to form, I slept through the alarm he set for himself to get up and go to the gym. He didn't wake me up until he was ready to walk out the door. I am thinking that I should just set my alarm and start waking myself up anyway. It's pretty sad that I have grown so accustomed to him waking me up that I don't even hear his alarm anymore. I know I could go to the gym this evening but it will be packed so I think I will just walk the track across from the house when I get home and go to the gym in the morning. Who knows? Today for breakfast I had natural peanut butter on some Ezekial 4:9 bread. I sliced a big strawberry and put that on there too. It was pretty tasty. I have a healthy choice that I will eat for lunch. I need to be drinking much water too.
School is getting close to being over for me and the kids. Still no idea where I am going to put Elijah for the summer. I didn't sign him up in time for St. James and now it's full. YIPES!
Prayers for today: health and safety for my kids, motivation to walk after work, appetite control, and to be in a pleasant mood.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow...

In the morning it begins again. Our relationship with the gym, that is. I had to take a bit of time off because of my shoulder but now am ready to get back in to it after a weekend of total glutony. I made these little pinwheels for this cookout that we went to last night. Puffed pastry, prosciutto, pesto, and parmesan. They turned out soooo tasty, if I do say so! I found this recipe and it actually called for mustard instead of pesto - but I had some pesto on hand and since Britt isn't a fan of mustard, I thought this might be better. Boy, was I right! I hope everyone at the party liked them as much as we did!
I have decided after a brief conversation with my wise and very inspiring friend Susan, that I need to get myself in to a bed time routine and have a normal bedtime. I know this is important for Elijah so why wouldn't I think it would be important for me as well?
We have had a good weekend. I got a little sun at Eli's soccer game on Saturday but unfortunately it's just a farmers tan. I need a little color, I think.
Time to get Elijah settled so I can get ME settled!
prayers for tomorrow: health for my kids, appetite control, energy for the gym, and a pleasant day at work.
PEACE!

Being Fat Sucks!

Okay.. this is a gripe session about a few things that I dislike about being fat. 1. clothes. I hate shopping for clothes. I hate shopping for clothes in the "big girl" store or in the "big girl" section. It sucks. They are not cute, they never fit right, and it's just no fun to try on clothes. Nothing looks good and everything makes me look fat because I am fat! 2. Clothes again.. Why is it that they can't make jeans to fit a fat girl right that don't go all the way to my armpits? Either they fit right at the belly button and ROLL DOWN every time I bend over, or they are under the belly button so that I have a "muffin top"!!! it's gross! 3. I would LOVE to be able to cross my legs. I know this is minor and may sound crazy, but I noticed at church the other day that all the ladys sit with one leg delicately draped over the other.. I CANT DO THAT ANYMORE. I have to sit with my leg crossed like a man - which is not cute, or sit with my ankles crossed which is uncomfortable as hell. JEESH. 4. Family portrait. I have a serious aversion to having a family portrait made because I am so big. It's awful. We need to have a family portrait done in such a bad way - we haven't had one since Elijah was two and that was just a Church directory picture!
I say all these things, but went to Larry's pizza last night and I swear I ate more than Britt did. Nice, huh? I haven't been to the gym in two weeks.. Riverfest is going to kill me if I can't take off at least 15 pounds before then.

It's About Time

Okay.., He's a sweet kid, but it was time for Sanjaya to go home a long time ago. It finally happened tonight.. I think Britt was ready to stop watching the show if he didn't go soon!

better days

My shoulder is better today, I think. I don't know. One minute it feels fine then the next minute I can't use my arm. It's irritating. I didn't go to work again today. I probably would have but Elijah had clinic appointment and PT today. I really don't like my job. I mean, I like what I do most of the time, but I don't like going to work. Does that make sense? I guess I need to just tough it out for at least another year.
Today is Britt's birthday. We went to PF Chang for lunch and I got him a cake from Silveks. Someone at the hospital asked me if I made him bake his own cake!!!! HA! (Anyone who has had anything Britt bakes understands the comment).
Going to Alpha tonight. We are really enjoying that class. I might miss it next week because of a meeting. Not sure yet.
Prayers for today: health for my kids, shoulder pain to go away, for Britt to have a good birthday, and for the cleaning fairies to come clean my house while i sleep. :)
OH! PS. I won tickets to a Mark Harris concert from the radio station today. :)

pain

I pulled a muscle in my left shoulder. It sucks. I don't know how I did it. It started hurting on Sunday afternoon. I went to the doctor today. She gave me some muscle relaxers and they knocked me out cold. I slept from 10:30 until about 3!!!! Crazy! I actually thought I might be having a heart attack at some point yesterday because my hand kept falling asleep. The doc said the inflamation was most likely pinching a nerve and causing the numbness. I should be better in a couple of days.
Other than that, all is well in the house of Talley. My sis came for a brief visit this weekend. It's always good to see her. We have our first get together with the people at Britt's new firm this weekend - which should be interesting.. but what do I wear??? ha!

Stretched....

I have been a slacker on updating my blog! I guess I just feel like I have been stretched a bit thin this week - and I don't mean that literally!! ha ha. I wish I did! I have a test today that I am not prepared for. My husband keeps saying "you will do fine - you always say you aren't prepared" - but this time I really am not. I have done okay on eating this week (other than the gallons of cheese I consumed at supper club last night!! YUM) but have not been in the gym one time. I have just been exhausted! This weekend will include much house work and laundry. I have so much laundry that I seriously contemplated taking it all to the laundromat and doing it at one time. Is that horrible? I think it is on so many levels. The fact that I am that far behind is disturbing in itself - the fact that I would be willing to spend money and sit in a laundromat for two hours just to get it over with is a bit troublesome as well. Oh well. Better to do that, sit and read a book and be done, then to be overwhelmed with it all weekend. right??? I can justify anything. I bought some lotion with a self tanner in it yesterday. I applied it this morning and laughed the whole time thinking of my friend Michelle. :) (you will have to go to her blog to catch the meaning.. ) After I finished, Hannah said "I hope you didn't put that on your feet, mom.. you will look wierd".. great. No one told me that. I thought I was doomed then I remembered that there is NO WAY it could look worse than my dreadful Mystic Tan experience from last year.. UGH..
prayers for today: health for my kids; to pass this test; to figure out what to cook for dinner; and to have a productive afternoon at work. :)
Peace!

Easter Adventure

As predicted, I am sore today. It's a good sore though. We went to Church this morning and our good friends Susan and Chasen came with us. We enjoyed the service - We like a more upbeat service and today was just that! I doubt there are many people who can say their pastor took his clothes off during their Easter Sunday service! Before you panic, he didn't strip down nekkid or anything.. he just took his suit off to reveal casual clothes underneath. It was quite humorous. Okay.. so after Church we went to shorty smalls where I ate WAY too much. We started to head home for a relaxing Sunday afternoon when we passed our neighborhood park. Britt said he thought someone was at the park on the ground trying to wave for help.. He slowed to see if we needed to go back, but we decided to go ahead and drive home and walk over to the park. There was a lady sitting on the ground next to a tree asking for help. She said she was waving at cars as they passed by, but everyone just waved back at her.. Well, she began to tell us how she ended up on the ground in the first place. At first she said she didn't know if she had a stroke or what, but she didn't have any feeling in her feet. Then she said she was driving down the road when the car in front of her through a suspicious bag out the window into the little creek that runs near the park. She was convinced it was drugs and called the police. They told her it was probably trash and not to worry about. She decided to go investigate herself and fell when she was trying to get down to the creek. She then told us that she was diabetic and that's why she didn't have feeling in her legs. We tried to get her to let us call an ambulance - and at that point she seemed to make a pretty quick recovery. She asked for help getting up and felt sure she could get to her car after that. I went down and retreived the mysterious bag which did indeed have nothing in it but trash. We walked her back to her car and came on home. I think it was a case of an overactive imagination. I felt bad for her, but then even felt worse about myself because I was suspicious from the beginning. What if she really had been having a stroke? I was leary of even helping her up because you never know who is going to try to sue you for something. That's a sad statement for the society we live in today - that I would think of that before helping someone. I am glad we went to help her though.
Happy Easter!

Workout #3

I went to the gym this morning. YAY!! I increased most of my weights on my circuit training workout so I am sure to feel it tomorrow. I know this sounds crazy, but I just didn't feel like I was as sore as I should have been yesterday after my Thursday workout. I am sure I will feel this tomorrow. They tell you that you should work with a weight that you start to struggle with around your 18th rep. I did that today probably more than my other two workouts. I was just afraid of hurting myself before because I haven't been working out at all. Anyway.. I feel like I am on the right track and set up for my three circuit training workouts per week. I will go again on Monday. Hopefully soon we will be able to incorporate two days of straight cardio in to the mix. Maybe by the time I am 40 I will be able to wear a bathing suit in public without too much shame!
Britt has decided that he is going to attempt to fix the cabinets himself so we can get the stove back in it's place. Maybe we can get that done this afternoon. Elijah has a soccer game today and then we will be hunting Easter eggs. My arms feel like overcooked spaghetti right now and I really want to just crawl in to bed!! YIPES!
Prayers for today: Health for my kids, continued motivation with my workouts, to get my kitchen in order, and rest!!!
Peace

yeah, Not so much...

Thankfully I am not as sore as I thought I would be today. :) I guess that means I didn't work as hard as I should have at the gym. I plan to go in the morning and do it again. Hopefully we can get on the "every other day" schedule soon. I am looking forward to getting in a better routine.
The garage is FIXED!!! yay! We called the people at Overhead Door and they came out today to fix it. Whew! That's one thing marked off the list!
My friend Carole moved to Missouri this week. I will miss her terribly, but am so happy for her and her new job and apartment! A fresh start has to be nice sometimes. One time I moved to a new town for a job. I never really planted myself there though. I guess if you don't let go to what you had before, it's not really a fresh start, is it?
So I have tons of projects going on at my house right now that need finishing in a big bad way. I still have to paint the den, decorate the bar, replace the light fixture in the foyer, clean out the ivy bed (it's awful), get the stove cleaned up and in it's place (waiting on the handyman to fix the cabinets) and THEN I get to strip the wallpaper off the downstairs bathroom where the little dog (who we found a good home for) decided he would go ahead and start that project for me. Now, keep in mind, I was not fond of the Christmas plaid wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom at all. It was, however, in decent shape and way down the line on my list of redos in the house. Now it has been bumped up about 8 slots..
Prayers for today: health for my kids, to find a new Easter outfit, and to have the motivation to get some stuff done this weekend!